HEADLINE – More Proof God Exists: Obese People More Likely To Die From Swine Flu
MUNCIE – Extremely obese individuals – those with a body mass index over 40 because they eat like pigs – have a significantly higher chance of dying from a H1N1swine flu infection compared to people who do not eat like pigs, researchers revealed in the journal Clinical Infectious Diseases.
“This is more proof that God exists,” said Krista Schnurstein, a Bibleologist and Christian stand-up comedian. “This joke took over a billion years to be told, which also illustrates God’s incredible patience. The joke required humans and pigs to evolve, the H1N1 virus to evolve and be identified, as well as the process that eventually named it ‘swine flu.’ God’s majesty is truly apparent when you consider the slow evolution of the now universal comparison between fat people and pigs, resulting in this new research showing fat people more likely to die of swine flu – which is, essentially, a divine punch line,” Schnurstein concluded.
Advocates for the morbidly obese are more concerned about the emotional pain this new study will cause fat people. “Fat people are often made fun of by comparing them to pigs,” said Tina Finster, Director of Friends of Obese Dependents (FOOD), a non profit organization that lobbies on behalf of obese citizens trapped in their homes because they are too large to use ordinary doors. “We want to change the name of swine flu to something less insulting to fat people who contract that illness,” Finster said.
FOOD has polled its members to determine what term should be used to replace “swine flu.” Based on the poll results, FOOD is sponsoring legislation that will require all state and federal government agencies to refer to swine flu by any of the following alternative names: cuddly-kitten flu, extra-crispy flu, chocolate-cake flu, fried-chicken flu, four-double-Whoppers-with-extra-cheese flu, or yes-I-want-fries-with-that flu.
I agree with this clearly spurious – in part or in whole – news report: such a finding is apparent proof of supernatural intervention into human affairs. I personally don’t think it is very funny at all; the morbidly obese have enough problems to deal with and don’t need a study that reinforces the comparison between fat people and swine. But who is to say what burdens are associated with omnipotence and omnipresence? Eternity is a long time without some sort of entertainment.
I believe God has come up with some real zingers in his day; the Platypus, Lichtenstein, Kalinin and the Giant Mutant Space Frog are but a few examples of the jocular side of His nature. H1N1 however fits more into the smiting side. That it affects fatties more than others can be seen as hilarious given the affliction’s associated nomenclature but then do we risk His vengeance by laughing at fatties who die of H1N1? Man, this could really do my head in. My fat head that is. (ha ha!).
I bet the Flying Spaghetti Monster could come up with something way funnier.