HEADLINE – Toxic Waste Bars Have Hazardous Levels Of Lead, Recalled

LOS ANGELES –  Candy bars called “Toxic Waste Chew Bars” have been recalled because a sample lot was found to have high levels of lead – 0.24 parts per million, as opposed to the FDA tolerance of 0.1ppm.

“We clearly labeled those candy bars as Toxic Waste,” said Vinnie Slimp, Vice President of Marketing for Circle City Marketing and Distributors, producers of Toxic Waste Chew Bars.

Vinnie Slimp

“It states quite clearly on the wrapper that the ingredients include three kinds of lead, arsenic, dioxin, chromium 6, spent nuclear fuel and there is also a clear warning that the candy may contain traces of tree or ground nuts,” Slimp said.

“It isn’t our fault when someone ignores these clear warnings and actually eats that stuff,” Slimp concluded.

Circle City Marketing and Distributors  is also recalling  “Deadly Poison Gum Drops” which they also produce and market.

Both Toxic Waste Chew Bars and Deadly Poison Gum Drops are manufactured in China.

Source: http://www.ecoworld.com/agriculture/toxic-candy-bars-recalled-for-lead-content.html


4 Responses to “HEADLINE – Toxic Waste Bars Have Hazardous Levels Of Lead, Recalled”

  1. Brilliant stuff reminds me of the Python sketch

    Praline (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Parrot and goes to desk) Mr Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?

    Milton I am.

    Praline Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad.We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the Whizzo Quality Assortment.

    Milton Ah, yes.

    Praline (producing box of chocolate) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can’t prosecute you for that.

    Milton Agreed.

    Praline Next we have number four, ‘Crunchy Frog’.

    Milton An, yes.

    Praline Am I right in thinking there’s a real frog in here?

    Milton Yes. A little one.

    Praline What sort of frog?

    Milton A dead frog.

    Praline Is it cooked?

    Milton No.

    Praline What, a raw frog?

    Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy.
    Milton We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.

    Praline That’s as may be, but it’s still a frog!

    Milton What else?

    Praline Well don’t you even take the bones out?

    Milton If we took the bones out it wouldn’t be crunchy would it?

    Praline Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.
    Parrot Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)

    Praline Well, the Superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won’t expect there to be a frog in there. They’re bound to think it’s some sort of mock frog.

    Milton (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!

    Praline Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words ‘crunchy frog’, and replace them with the legend, ‘crunchy raw unboned real dead frog’ if you want to avoid prosecution.

    Milton What about our sales?

    Praline I’m not interested in your sales! I have to protect the general public! Now what about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn’t it? (superintendent nods) Number five Ram’s Bladder Cup. (exit superintendent) What sort of confection is this?
    Milton We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram’s bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark’s vomit.

    Praline Larks vomit?

    Milton Correct.

    Praline Well it don’t say nothing about that here.

    Milton Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.

    Praline (looking) Wel I hardly think this is good enough. I think it’s be more appropriate if the box bore a great red label warning lark’s vomit.

    Milton Our sales would plummet!

    Praline Well why don’t you move into more conventional areas of confectionary, like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavor, I’m lead to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one ‘cockroach cluster’, (superintendent exits) anthrax ripple! What’s this one: ‘spring surprise’?

    Milton Ah – now, that’s our speciality – covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.

    Truth in advertising


  2. Yep. Exactly.


  3. Imagine the advertising campaign:

    “Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Bars – they’ll put some lead in your pencil!”


  4. Thanks heaps, mate. Its bastards like you who tear down the work of honest businessmen. I have three pallet loads of that stuff and its worth the same as a pile of Queensland sludge. Hmmm. Hang on. A bit of re-wrappig and some new ‘marketing.
    “‘Sludge Bars. Nature’s Tweet.


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