Today I fulfilled a fantasy, and I just had to share it with y’all.

Every year, my wife throws an “Oscar party.”  If you know what that is, skip ahead in the story to where I go to the hardware store in my hit man outfit. If you don’t know what an Oscar party is, allow me to explain:

Every year the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences holds a gala event where they hand out awards for excellence in motion pictures arts and sciences.

The award is nicknamed the “Oscar.”  The United States is a movie culture (wrap your head around that one, if you can) and many, many Americans celebrate this pinnacle of commercialism and hold parties where groups of people watch the televised masturbatory splendor, eat, drink, make snide comments about the celebrities and hope that Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson or Gabrielle Union experience a spectacular wardrobe malfunction. Preferably all three simultaneously.

A Gabrielle Union impersonator

My lovely wife is one of these Oscarphiles, and every year we throw an Oscar party.

This year, as part of her party preparations, my wife purchased meat via the internet.  Not just any meat. When I opened the enormous box left at my front door and dug through the space age insulation, I found an enormous pork roast – so large that it won’t fit the largest roasting pan in existence, which we own and keep in the garage because it frightens small children and upsets our two cats when it is left unattended.

I can hear you saying “So what?  Just take a sharp knife and cut off a chunk so it will fit in the roasting pan.”

That is not an option – not with this roast.  There is bone running through it.  To cut off a chunk I need to cut through that bone, and I don’t have anything suited to do the cutting.

I called my local butcher, who declined my request to cut a chunk off of that big hunk of pork.  I offered to pay him. He still refused saying “We have a policy not to cut meat that wasn’t purchased from our store.”

Won't cut strange meat.


So my only option was to go to my local hardware store and buy a hacksaw and do it myself.

And that’s when I realized this was a rare opportunity to fulfill a fantasy.  Before I drove to Ace Hardware, I found and put on an old double breasted suit, a white tie and a pair of sunglasses.


I looked a lot like this.


I drove to the hardware store, walked in and approached the first employee I could find.


He looked a lot like this.

“Can I help you?”  the hardware store clerk inquired.

“Yeah. Sure. Maybe,” I said.  “See, I got this problem.  I need to cut through a large piece of bone.”

“Bone?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah, bone,” I replied, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.  “I never realized until very recently just how difficult it is to cut bone. My usual apparatus isn’t up to it,” I continued.  “You got any type of bone saw or something?”

“I – “

“You know, I figured a hacksaw would do, but if you got anything better, let me know.  I don’t mind paying for quality, if you know what I mean.”

Quality bone saws.

“I – I’m not sure we –“

“I bet you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Quality. Something I can hang onto just in case I need to cut through a couple of bones and I got a deadline and a car boot space problem, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, don’t you?”

By this point the nice gentleman was clearly upset and I was afraid he was going to run, so I laughed and told him I was kidding, and I told him the whole story about the huge piece of meat my wife bought on the internet and the bone I had to cut to reduce the size of the roast so it would fit my roasting pan.

And would you believe it? I ended up buying a genuine bone saw. They had one behind the counter in the back.

18 Responses to “A FANTASY REALIZED”

  1. That’s awesome.


  2. I will cherish the memory.


  3. yikes


  4. Oh please. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing under identical circumstances. True, I had a laugh at the expense of another, but I feel it was well-played.

    And I got a bone saw out of it in the end. Do you have a bone saw? I suspect not.


  5. Well played Herr Doktor Boylan, well played.

    The HLDW is going to love this story.

    Having fun at the expense of others is what makes life worth living.

    That and driving our enemies before our swords and hearing the lamentations of their women. That’s right up there too.

    When are you getting to Atlanta?


  6. “That and driving our enemies before our swords and hearing the lamentations of their women. That’s right up there too.”

    Yes. That is good.

    “When are you getting to Atlanta?”

    As soon as humanly possible. A recent troublesome illness, followed by an attempt to get selected to fill a vacancy on the Davis City Council (see top photo) and sudden deluge of work mean postponement in my travels. So we are looking at early fall at the soonest.

    As I’ve mentioned, let’s get Jenny there and then the three of us seppo burgers can gloat on Skype.


  7. “That’s magnificent’ or as the french say ‘that’s magnificent’.

    I can only hope that the store had a security camera and the footage turns up on youtube soon.

    Well played.


  8. deer hunters
    your deserve an Oscar
    great cat
    You will be happy to hear I have continued driving our enemies before our swords


  9. I must say, yes, I am happy to hear that.

    That clerk didn’t think I am a deer hunter with a venison leg problem.


  10. Stylish gold. I just loves me a classy joke I does. That store clerk is going to recount that story for decades to come. You should get your picture taken of you wearing the same outfit and get someone to go to that store, show the pic to the clerk and ask questions, alluding to something more sinister than a big slab of pork needing cutting.

    Maybe not.


  11. paulboylan Says:

    Maybe so. I like the idea.


  12. “That clerk didn’t think I am a deer hunter with a venison leg problem.”
    Of course not, that is why you deserve an Oscar; but once you saved the poor soul from a heart attack, or dirty pants, that’s why he had the answer to your problem–deer hunters, or perhaps wild boar hunters.
    So, the answer is yes, I would believe it. Although in my neck of the woods there would’ve been several.
    OK, OK so it was a rhetorical question, but that’s the answer none the less.
    Food via the internet, found it on the doorstep? Tis a brave new world.


  13. paulboylan Says:

    A brave, new world, yes. With such people in it.


  14. Thanks Miranda


  15. paulboylan Says:

    I had no idea that was a quote, Barnes.

    I am so sick and tired of Shakespeare always getting there first.


  16. Flinthart Says:

    See, I could never get away with that in this small town. The hardware people all know me. They’d never for an instant fall for it. And that’s depressing, ’cause it’s a lovely jape.

    Now… if I had to carve my way through an inconvenient bone in a chunk of meat, I think I’d work my way down to said bone with my large and dangerous cleaver. And then I think I’d put on my eye-protection, and fire up the reciprocating saw. Because the chances of my local hardware stores carrying any kind of bone saw are absolutely zip.


  17. paulboylan, just think of the quote this way: great minds think alike, or the idea has been floating around long enough that its time had come again and it landed on you, or perhaps your brain just held on to it waiting for the chance to use it, or if you had to be beat nice to be beat by one of the best.

    Hey, glad to see this is still active… I have an Australia question:
    My daughter is in Australia for a semester and finds the brown bread she is getting at the dining hall much like our white bread, only brown. She wrote me asking what she should ask for, whole wheat or whole grain, to get the healthiest bread. So, any health nuts, or health conscience Australians I could use some help. . .


  18. STrikert009 Says:

    Now that’s funny.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: