HEADLINE – Bin Laden sought name change, rebranding for Al Qaeda

The new, smiling, friendly face of international terror.

WASHINGTON—As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that Al Qaeda was suffering from a marketing problem. He proposed Al Qaeda get a fresh start with a new name.

A friendlier image.

“The Crusader war against us has caused our name to lose its positive, favorable impression with the public,” Bin Laden wrote sometime in 2010. “We need a new, friendlier image,” Bin Laden concluded.

Bin Laden went on to make suggestions for a new name, including “Pal Qaeda,” “Jihad Is Us” and “Wahabi Wally’s Freedom Emporium.”  Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQR) lobbied hard to change their name to “Starbucks” or “Target” but Bin Laden warned his followers against choosing a name “that will only serve to draw us into protracted and expensive litigation, not to mention one that will cause great consumer confusion.”

Some of Starbuck's lawyers.

Al Queda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) suggested “The Ass Bomb Group” but Bin Laden chided AQAP and warned them not to choose a name that limited Al Qaeda’s operational parameters.

“I know how much you guys like to hide bombs in the rectums of idiot converts,” Bin Laden wrote, 

Idiot recruit (they actually convinced him to let them shove a bomb up his poop chute).

“…but a joke – even one that is rich with dramatic irony – should not create the framework within which we operate. If we called ourselves the Ass Bomb Group, that name choice would create a momentum to only use ass bombs to sow fear among the opponents of God.  As funny as that would be, humor should not limit our operational options.”

Bin Laden wrote one final letter instructing his followers to hire “some New York public relations firm” to help Al Qaeda come up with a catchy new name, a PR firm “preferably with a lot of Jews. Jews are so good at that kind of thing.  The Irish, not so much,” Bin Laden stated.

 

a public relations disaster.

The letter, which was undated, was discovered among bin Laden’s recent writings. Navy SEALs stormed his compound and killed him before any name change could be made. 

Federal Express

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Source: bin-laden-sought-name-change-rebranding-for-al-qaeda

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7 Responses to “HEADLINE – Bin Laden sought name change, rebranding for Al Qaeda”

  1. blackwatertown Says:

    We need more of this sort of geopolitical analysis.

    Like

  2. paulboylan Says:

    I couldn’t agree more.

    Like

  3. I bet the NY agency was the Burson-Marsteller group.

    Might I suggest they rename themselves

    عملية الحرية الدائمة

    which translates roughly as Enduring Freedom.

    Like

  4. paulboylan Says:

    Not true. It translates to “Mind the Gap.” I’ve seen it many times in the Jiddah underground.

    Like

  5. I was going to go with Apple but that’s been taken by some computer company, the Beatles and Gwyneth Paltrow’s eldest child.

    So after a rethink, I decided they should adopt the Kentucky Fried Chicken philosophy – if you abbreviate to KFC, nobody will even remember the “fried” bit which is what you want when your product is almost 90 percent saturated fat.

    So how about AQ? As a bonus, if you say it as a word, it sounds roughly like the exclamation you’d make if a bomb went off in your ass.

    Like

  6. The Jolly Jihadi? It sounds like a fast-food outlet.

    Like

  7. Big A.
    Its a shame the AQ marketing team never followed through with this and simply continued to put advertising pamphlets and coupon vouchers in the pockets of the explodey vests.

    Like

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