A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE
As most of you know, I recently returned from a really wonderful visit to Australia.
While there, I was enormously fortunate to spend a bit of time with the magnificent and munificent author, John Birmingham, during which we shared one or two or three really excellent meals.
I returned from Australia about 10 pounds heavier than when I left. Apparently, John gained a bit of weight too, for which he blamed me.s
In response, I admitted causing John’s increased girth and explained that I did it for revenge. This is what I said:
“I readily admit it. Why did I go through so much trouble at such high cost and such low profit to “visit” Oz? I did it to prompt the otherwise preternaturally svelte Mr. Birmingham to pack on unsightly kilos. I did it for revenge. Revenge! Birmingham’s failure to model a significant recurring character after me demanded revenge! Murph gets to be president. The Rhino gets to be, well, the Rhino. What do I get? Zilch! Bupkis! Maffi! Nada! Nichts! Nothing (I added that last one for you out there who don’t speak any Yiddish, Arabic, Spanish or German. Fucking Philistines)!
I am not an unreasonable man. I realize that a short, bald, fart-joke-loving, seppo lawyer of mixed Greek and Irish ancestry doesn’t really lend itself to military/tech adventure novels or histories of Sydney. So? So what? This is about respect!
I am not, however, responsible for the advent of the restaurant review season. That’s our own damned fault.”
Feeling rather pleased with my creative invective, I showed it to my wife, Lori. After reading it, she looked up at me and said:
“I would be careful what I say if I were you. For all you know, you might end up as a gay zombie in one of his books.”
I… didn’t consider that possibility. But now that I have considered it, I must agree with my wife: I need to be more careful.