A Grim Fairy Tale – THREE STUPID WHALES

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Once upon a time there were three grey whales trapped under the arctic ice.

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That alone is enough to make anyone wonder:  what is wrong with these three whales?  What kind of whales get themselves trapped beneath ice so they will most likely die because they can’t hold their breath long enough to swim beyond the frozen ice and out to the open sea?

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Okay, let’s just get past the fact that these whales were unusually stupid. Whales, for the most part, are fairly intelligent. They’ve survived for millions of years and the stupid ones have died out because they were too stupid to avoid obvious dangers – like getting trapped beneath an arctic ice sheet.  But every now and then one or two whales don’t get enough oxygen when they are born and they end up just a  little bit stupid. 

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The whales trapped beneath the arctic ice are three very stupid whales. They’re trapped. They are gonna die. That’s that. It is what it is. It has happened before. It will happen again.  Stupid is as stupid does, and  – over the course of geological time – stupid tends to die.

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But sometimes even the stupid get lucky.  In this case, the three stupid whales were discovered by a little blond girl who decided to try to save them.

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In all honesty, the details are a bit boring.  To make a long story short, the little blond girl convinced a bunch of white people to cut holes in the ice that the three stupid whales could use to breathe while they swam to the open sea.

And it worked. The whales – although stupid beyond reasonable belief – used the air holes carved out of the ice to breath as they made their way to the open ocean.

And when they got there – when they were finally free of the consequences of their own stupidity, when they finally broke into the open sea – they were set upon by a band of Native Americans in big canoes who  thrust hand-made harpoons into their flesh, puncturing their lungs, and killing them.

“Hey, thanks, white people!” the Native American arctic hunters shouted as they attached ropes to the three dead gray whales to tow them to their village, where the whales were beached and butchered for the traditional nutritional pleasure of the village.

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And the shame of it all –  the real tragedy here – is that the white people who helped bring the whales to the open sea were not allowed to eat any flesh of the whales they saved because, by law, only Native Americans are lawfully entitled to eat whale meat.

Sometimes, life isn’t fair.

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6 Responses to “A Grim Fairy Tale – THREE STUPID WHALES”

  1. “Sometimes, life isn’t fair” but it can break irony meters

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  2. Its like all those whales that beach themselves every year. The pilot whales in particular seem to be pretty fucking stupid and people still desparately fail at saving them. If we had any sense we’d sell these ‘special needs’ mammals to the Japanese. For research puproses. Funny thing is I would have thought the Japs’ research projects would have brought to light by now why these beasts beach themselves.

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  3. Barnes – so fucking true, brother.

    Therbs – yes, absolutely.

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  4. Happy New Year, PNB! Haha. I love your grim fairy tales, Paul. You have a sick mind. I hope you get a book of your demented fairy tales together for adult reading pleasure. Joanna :))

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  5. Interesting analysis. A couple of critical errors –

    ► It’s a MOVIE

    ► At the time that this happened, there was no cute little white girl that spearheaded the “rescue.”
    A script writer put that in there because Americans require a leading lady role or they won’t watch a film. Producers routinely write in an attractive Angelina Jolie/Drew Barrymore, or is there is no production. American actresses depend on this and go to great lengths to look good instead of being great at the craft.

    ► The whales weren’t set upon by a bunch of wild Eskimos in big canoes. Dude – it was full-on middle of winter in the arctic circle.
    Go ahead and be snarky, but at least have a foundation based on reality. Do your homework before you bitch.
    You might like the story of what they DID do (emotionally compelling and heart-warming), but you’re probably not open to it, so I won’t bore you and your audience.

    “…the white people who helped bring the whales to the open sea were not allowed to eat any flesh of the whales they saved because, by law, only Native Americans are lawfully entitled to eat whale meat.”
    Not true. Why would it be? That’s just stupid. You’ve confused your ideas with the Marine Mammal Protection Act. White people are forbidden by law to HUNT arctic marine mammals.
    Because they are wasteful. Everything they touch turns into a profit margin. White people would commercialize it, just like they already did. Which decimated the northern hemisphere’s marine mammals by the turn of the century. Because white folk DON’T eat it – they SELL it.

    ► Where in white America do the good folks routinely and historically source their protein from marine mammals?

    Food for thought.

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  6. paulboylan Says:

    I’m confused? This was a joke, mate – inspired by an insipid movie based on an idiotic true event perpetrated by tree hugging morons.

    No matter how you slice it, those were three stupid whales.

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