BEYOND THE GRAVE – Interview with Ned Kelly

Famed “Bush Ranger” Ned Kelly returns from the dead to participate in a frankly fictitious interview where he reveals the issues he cares about most.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Mr. Kelly –

NED KELLY:  Call me Ned, cobber.

POE: Okay. Ned. It is a true pleasure and a real thrill to be speaking with you today.  I don’t mind saying that you are one of my all time biggest heroes.

KELLY: (Laughs, phlegm rattling in his bronchia, followed by a small cough) Hero? You don’t know anything about me, do you?

POE:  Actually, I know quite a lot about your life.

KELLY: Don’t come the raw prawn with me. You ain’t even Australian.

POE:  True, but I’ve spent time drinking heavily with Australians.

.

.

KELLY: Oh, okay, that explains it, then.

POE:   Ned, on 28 June 1880, in Glenrowan –

KELLY:  I don’t want to talk about that.

POE:  What? What else is there to talk about?  That’s when –

KELLY:  I know what happened. I don’t want to talk about it.

POE: But the shoot out, the armour you made and wore, it is legendary.

POE: It was possibly the most important moment of your –

KELLY:  Yeah, yeah. I’m sick and tired of hearing about it and I don’t want to discuss it.

POE:  Well, then what do you want to talk about?

KELLY:  I want to talk about the film.

POE:  What film?

KELLY: The one with Mick Jagger.

Mick Jager

POE: Ah… eh… what?

KELLY: I want to talk about that awful film where Mick Jagger played me.

POE:  What about it?

KELLY:  Awful film. Jagger was terrible.

POE:  Yeah, okay, so?

KELLY:  Jagger was nothing like me.

KELLY:  Know what I want? I want that movie made again, with a different cast.

POE:  Do you have anyone in mind?

KELLY:  As a matter of fact, I do. I want Daniel Craig to play the role of Ned Kelly.

POE:  Daniel Craig?

KELLY:  Or Johnny Depp.

POE:  Johnny Depp?

KELLY:  Yeah. Did you see him in Ed Wood?  Incredible performance.  Me and my mates were shocked he wasn’t nominated for the Academy Award. Fucking tour de force.

POE:  Mr. Kelly –

KELLY: Or a Golden Globe, although, between you and me, I suspect that show isn’t really on the up and up.  I think the fix is in, if you know what I mean.

POE:  Thank you so much for –

KELLY:  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ricky Gervais.  That munter is comedy gold, he is.

POE:  I thank Ned Kelly for spending quality time with us.

KELLY:  That was quality time?

POE:  Next time, my guest will be Mary Watson, and I will finally get to ask her what animal she would be if she could be any animal at all.

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12 Responses to “BEYOND THE GRAVE – Interview with Ned Kelly”

  1. You know who would be perfect to play Ned Kelly?

    Heath Ledger

    too soon?

  2. Are you sure you’re American? I think you’ve captured Ned better than most local pundits.

  3. Hey, the interview speaks for itself.

    Heath Leger would have been a PERFECT Ned Kelly.

  4. lol You’re an odd man, Professor Boylan. An odd man indeed.

    You need to write the history of Australia … the untold version…

  5. I might do just that one day.

  6. I think Therbs should play Ned. Anyway… great piece of creative non-fiction, sir. A suspect group of Australians if ever I saw one. Love the photos, Paul. Glad you didn’t capture me in convict mode. I come from convict royalty, you know.

  7. Flinthart would make a brilliant Ned. They have the same wicked sense of humour – unlike Ricky Gervais, who wouldn’t know humour if it bit him on the tucus. I have yet to hear him say anything funny.

  8. Daniel Craig would make an excellent Ned Kelly. He already did it in Cowboys v. Aliens.

  9. Cat – are you saying you didn’t enjoy Ghost Town or The Invention of Lying? Also, his HBO special was, in all honesty, really hilarious.

    And, now that I think about it, if Seth Rogen can play Brit Reed (aka the Green Hornet) then Gervais would make an excellent dada version of Kelly.

    I’ll ask him what he thinks of the idea the next time I channel his spirit.

  10. It was remade, but I don’t think Ned will be pleased.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107930/
    Reckless Kelly with Yahoo Serious

  11. Ned didn’t tell me about the remake. I wonder if he knows about it?

  12. He probably blinked and missed it. There was an alternative history novel done on the consequences of Ned Kelly surviving and leading a revolution – ‘Kelly Country’ by Bertram Chandler. Its a bit silly really.
    Ned of course was great at fart jokes. That’s why he’s much admired.

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