BEYOND THE GRAVE – Interview with Ned Kelly
Famed “Bush Ranger” Ned Kelly returns from the dead to participate in a frankly fictitious interview where he reveals the issues he cares about most.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Mr. Kelly –
NED KELLY: Call me Ned, cobber.
POE: Okay. Ned. It is a true pleasure and a real thrill to be speaking with you today. I don’t mind saying that you are one of my all time biggest heroes.
KELLY: (Laughs, phlegm rattling in his bronchia, followed by a small cough) Hero? You don’t know anything about me, do you?
POE: Actually, I know quite a lot about your life.
KELLY: Don’t come the raw prawn with me. You ain’t even Australian.
POE: True, but I’ve spent time drinking heavily with Australians.
KELLY: Oh, okay, that explains it, then.
POE: Ned, on 28 June 1880, in Glenrowan –
KELLY: I don’t want to talk about that.
POE: What? What else is there to talk about? That’s when –
KELLY: I know what happened. I don’t want to talk about it.
POE: But the shoot out, the armour you made and wore, it is legendary.
POE: It was possibly the most important moment of your –
KELLY: Yeah, yeah. I’m sick and tired of hearing about it and I don’t want to discuss it.
POE: Well, then what do you want to talk about?
KELLY: I want to talk about the film.
POE: What film?
KELLY: The one with Mick Jagger.
POE: Ah… eh… what?
KELLY: I want to talk about that awful film where Mick Jagger played me.
POE: What about it?
KELLY: Awful film. Jagger was terrible.
POE: Yeah, okay, so?
KELLY: Jagger was nothing like me.
KELLY: Know what I want? I want that movie made again, with a different cast.
POE: Do you have anyone in mind?
KELLY: As a matter of fact, I do. I want Daniel Craig to play the role of Ned Kelly.
POE: Daniel Craig?
KELLY: Or Johnny Depp.
POE: Johnny Depp?
KELLY: Yeah. Did you see him in Ed Wood? Incredible performance. Me and my mates were shocked he wasn’t nominated for the Academy Award. Fucking tour de force.
POE: Mr. Kelly –
KELLY: Or a Golden Globe, although, between you and me, I suspect that show isn’t really on the up and up. I think the fix is in, if you know what I mean.
POE: Thank you so much for –
KELLY: Don’t get me wrong. I love Ricky Gervais. That munter is comedy gold, he is.
POE: I thank Ned Kelly for spending quality time with us.
KELLY: That was quality time?
POE: Next time, my guest will be Mary Watson, and I will finally get to ask her what animal she would be if she could be any animal at all.