HEADLINE – Colonoscopy Patients Opt for Painless Approach

MUNCIE – Physicians and health care professionals all over the world are mystified as to why so many patients who undergo a colonoscopy opt for a painless procedure.

“I don’t get it,” Dr. Hans Gruber, a Gastroenterologist with the Sam Houston Institute of Technology, confessed. “I always discuss both procedures with my colonoscopy patents – the painless approach and the one that hurts like hell.  Overwhelmingly, my patients choose the painless procedure.”

“The German doctors who pioneered the colonoscopy designed the procedure to inflict as much pain as possible,” said Dr. Krista Schnurstein, a painful medical procedure historian with the Friendlyy Foundation. “The theory was that patients at risk of cancer or bowel disease would benefit medically by being absolutely terrified.”

“People get sick by choice,” said Rick Santorum, ultra conservative Republican candidate for President of the United States.  “Especially poor, lazy people.  That’s why I am against any kind of socialized medicine that provides medical care to the poor. It will only encourage them to get sick so they can eat free hospital food,” Santorum said.

“Thats why I get a rigid sigmoidoscopy once every other week. I make my wife and kids get one, too,” Santorum bragged.  “Does it hurt? Heck yes, it hurts.  But pain is natural. It is part of life.  And, truth be told, I sort of enjoy it.”

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4 Responses to “HEADLINE – Colonoscopy Patients Opt for Painless Approach”

  1. Which approach does Ellie Goulding prefer?

    Like

  2. This reminds me of a very rude song that is often sung at football matches. I won’t sing it here, but I’ll hum a few bars:

    mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mmmm,
    mm-mmmm,
    mm-mmmm,
    mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mmmm,
    mmmm mm-mm mmmm.

    (apologies for the bad language).

    Otherwise, I refuse to discuss rectal procedures. You’ve all heard heard how I got my roast chicken phobia.

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  3. The incidence of pain in the United States is at an all-time high these days. Over 110 million Americans are currently dealing with chronic pain, which is one third of the population. A significant amount of these individuals on a yearly basis would normally qualify for some type of surgery to relieve the pain. This may range anywhere from a joint replacement surgery, to a spinal fusion surgery, or maybe a discectomy surgery for simply a herniated disc.
    Mark

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  4. Anonymous Says:

    Stupid. You should be sued!!

    Like

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