HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

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DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.'”

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Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.'”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

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“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

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Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

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Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

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Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

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Ron Severstone

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“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

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32 Responses to “HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.””

  1. There are few words to describe how brilliant that post you put together is, just as there are fewer words to describe how deep in the doodoo you country is finding itself in with people like James Bolger running the show.

    Like

  2. paulboylan Says:

    Whatever do you mean, Michael?

    Like

  3. I see your country is run by dickheads, as well. Strangely, this is somewhat comforting.

    Like

  4. paulboylan Says:

    I see that Flinthart and son had a smashing good time in Mebourne, due in large measure to your guidance. Well done.

    Like

  5. paulboylan Says:

    Melbourne, of course.

    Like

  6. paulboylan Says:

    GOD FEARING dickheads, you commie bastard.

    Like

  7. Comrades! Old school Soviet Communists such as your’s truly wonder at the irony. Peace loving former Soviet Union spent many a Ruble trying to end Capitalist Imperialism!
    With the surfacing of moles like House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck), (although have suspicion “Bumfuck” is fictitious location.) One must regret spending a single Ruble, since the Honorable House Speaker is destroying from the Hallowed Halls of American Government that which peace loving Soviet and Russian real estate speculators were incapable of! Is funny!

    Like

  8. Damn, that is some funny stuff.

    Like

  9. paulboylan Says:

    It’s funny because it’s true.

    Like

  10. bondiboy66 Says:

    Clearly these folks do not like vaginas. I, on the other hand, do like them. ‘I heart vagina’ you might say.

    My favourite euphamism for them is ”fluffy sausage wallet’.

    Like

  11. Annonimous Says:

    Sex is original sin and Eve a woman seduced Adam so sex is evil unless to make children and it is sin if it is fun or pleasurable and woman need to stay covered up and stay indoors and they shouldn’t go to school and shouldn’t learn how to read and shouldn’t vote so sayeth Jehovah who is Jesus’ father so maybe Jesus got it wrong but Jehovah has the last word and so the laws of the Bible need to be the laws of America and that is what this election is all about.

    Like

  12. Ann Onimous, you forgot to mention that it is immoral for a woman to expose her nose or her index finger in public. They must always be kept covered according to religious law:

    “Yea, thou shalt keep coverd thy nostrils and thy index finger, lest thou inflamest thy neighbour’s loins or his goat or his city gates.”

    Any woman found picking her nose in public is actually masturbating, and must be beaten with a sack full of bibles until she gets nosebleed, or at least promises not to do it again.

    Like

  13. That is a brilliant post, Paul. Seriously. Well done, matey.

    Like

  14. Annonimous Says:

    Everything immoral should be illegal and it is immoral for a woman to disobey her husband who St. Paul said is the servant of her husband in the same way her husband is the servant of God and that means just as her husband worships and obeys God she should worship ad obey her husband in all things. That is what Christian Marriage means. That’s what it says in the Bible and that’s what our laws should say. Woman working outside of the house and voting and wearing makeup and tempting men is going to be illegal when we succeed in replacing the law of man with the law of God.

    Like

  15. Annonimous Says:

    It is God’s law that women be silent. Rep. Lisa Brown should sit down and shut up and do what men tell her to do.

    “Let the women learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.” (I Timothy 2:11-14)

    This is in the Bible. It is God’s law. It will soon be the law of the land.

    Amen.

    Like

  16. Paul, that is one great post.

    Annonimous – That is some of the best satire I’ve seen for a long time. Brilliant work!

    Like

  17. Annonimous Says:

    Go to helll blastfemur.

    Like

  18. Annon – you crack me up!

    Like

  19. Annonimous Says:

    Proper spelling isn’t as important as proper faith and obedience to God’s word.

    Like

  20. Annon, Annon, Annon…. Maybe you should read the Gospels. Jesus had a few things to say about faith and obedience that blow your comments out of the water. You remember Jesus, don’t you? God’s son? I’ve got a funny feeling that He might know a bit more about His Father’s will than you do.

    Like

  21. Annonimous Says:

    I don’t know what you are talking about and you could be lying to mebut even if your right then I know in my heart that Jesus, my Lord and Savior, was misquoted. The Bible is the literal word of God except for the times that it isn’t.

    Like

  22. Comrades, in the gospel according to Mary Magdalene, (which was excised from the cannon of the church because she did not have a penis), it was writ: The Lord said, “Mary Magdalene, what art thou going to do with all these corns thou hast cut off my feet caused by these blasted tight sandals I hath been wearing?
    Mary Magdalene said, “Lord, throw Thine corns to the dog. He needs a snack to bolster his stamina.”
    Upon eating the Lord’s Holy Corns, the old dog was struck by Godliness, he started running around like a puppy, rolling over and doing tricks so as to receive another Holy Corn.
    The Apostles who had observed this incident desired a Holy Corn too, so as to cure their earthly ailments.
    They said, (through their spokes-apostle, not as a group), “Lord, we desire a Holy Corn, so our earthly afflictions can be cured, if you please.”
    The Lord said, “I am plumb out of corns as the mice seem to have pilfered the corn shards, but here , have a chaw on these little pancakes. I will pass My hands over them and imbue them with my Holy Vigor.”
    This gospel explains how the use of little pancakes as the “Body of Christ” came into use.
    They were actually left over from “Jesus’ Loaves and Fishes Snack Bar” but after the bruschetta was scraped off, they looked a little more divine. But with a little imagination, the tomato sauce could be foisted off as, “The Blood of Christ”.
    This was the gospel known as, “Mary Magdalene’s Recipes for Feeding those Lazy Bastards the 12 Apostles.” which was another reason it was left out of the cannon of the Church. Plus, she did not have a penis and therefore had no right to be a lazy bastard like the other apostles.

    Like

  23. Ah, so corn dogs ARE a blessed nom.

    Like

  24. CC – I think you may find that Annon isn’t fair dinkum.

    Like

  25. paulboylan Says:

    Leave Annon alone, Therbs. Despite his (or her) clearly idiotic views (shared by hundreds of millions of Americans) he (or she) is a warmly welcomed and highly valued alter ego.

    Like

  26. Therbs, I didn’t realise that until Annon said “The Bible is the literal word of God except for the times that it isn’t.” How embarrassment!

    Like

  27. paulboylan Says:

    Cat – I don’t see how that might have enlightened you. I’ve had five different “Christians” tell me exactly that on five different occasions over the last 10 years. They said it. They believed it. They were utterly unaware of the irony and horror associated with their belief.

    Which makes it only horrifically funnier.

    Like

  28. And that is why I love Annon.

    Like

  29. paulboylan Says:

    And that’s why I fear Annon. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers, and Annon is in the majority here.

    Like

  30. paulboylan Says:

    All of a sudden a bunch of people are interested in this post. I don’t remember writing it and think I might have been drunk when I did, but, if you can get past the horror of it all, there are some funny jokes here.

    I was funnier when I drank. Life of the party.

    Like

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