Dear Canada:

First of all, how is the weather?  Good I hope?  Global climate change is going to be really good for you.  As the U.S. heartland transforms into a vast desert, the wheat growing regions are moving north into Canada, making you into the bread basket of the world (like we used to be).  And don’t even get me started on how much money you are going to make when the Arctic Ocean ice cap melts, opening up direct shipping from Canada to Asia, not to mention the resources of the Arctic you will be well-positioned to exploit, like easy to get offshore oil and natural gas (you lucky stiffs!). I hear you already have plans to sell that oil to China, transporting it cheaply across the Arctic Ocean to Russia and then via pipeline or train to China. Hot damn (no pun intended)!



And how is your population?  Growing?  Healthy?  Life expectancy better than your neighbors to the south?  Great.  Really good.



I’m writing to apologize, in advance, for the mob of stupid people who are headed your way from the United States.  Here is what happened:  the United States Supreme Court has upheld President Obama’s attempt to create a national health care system like you have, like Europe has, and like the rest of the civilized world has.



This has upset a lot of really stupid people.  They don’t want improved health care. In response to the Supreme Court’s decision, this group of really stupid people have vowed to leave the United States and emigrate to Canada.



No. Seriously.  Seriously.  I’m not kidding.  I know I am a kidder, and we’ve shares some really good jokes, but this time I’m not joking. Look, here are some tweets from some of the stupid people headed your way:



Yes, I know how funny that is. Yes, I know that Canada has a national health care system.  But I told you these are stupid people.  And they are on their way north to you.




Thank you for taking our idiots.

Consider it payback for Celine Dion, curling and that joke you call bacon.

Even though they are idiots, I think they are in for a big shock.





  1. Don’t forget that the Canadians have monopolised the world’s supply of maple syrup.


  2. I don’t know whether to laugh or weep. They have the whole internet at their disposal yet still, so fucking ignorant.


  3. paulboylan Says:

    Therbs – The US still produces maple syrup, but, with climate change, the growing region for sugar maples is also shifting north, and soon enough the Canadians will hold the monopoly on sugar maple products. But it couldn’t happen to nicer people.

    Melbo – What prevents you from laughing and crying at the same time? That’s what I do when I think about this.


  4. Or they could move to Australia, or NZ, or… pretty much any other Western country, all of which have more ‘socialized’ healthcare than USAnia. The lolz, lulz and or laelz (may not be a thing)


  5. paulboylan Says:

    Or, perhaps they can exercise their right not to be told what to do and be irresponsible, get roaring drunk, get behind the wheel of a car and drive over a cliff, thereby performing an accidental but substantial service to the world – i.e., taking themselves out of the gene pool.

    I had a dream once where all the stupid people in America ran through the streets chasing the illusion of their freedom to be stupid and eventually made it to the sea where they ran into the surf and drowned. It was a good dream.


  6. bondiboy66 Says:

    Thats a fabulous pic at the end of that piece there Paul. I’d vote for you. Heck, I’d even buy a used car from you!

    Hmm….time to move to the USA I think!


  7. And now all I can think of is Ren and Stimpy’s Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen song:


  8. NowhereBob Says:

    I smell an alterior motive.


  9. Of course you do. Do you know how hard it is to wash a yak?


  10. Oh my. Some people believe some extraordinary things, and greatly resist being dissuaded of them don’t they?


  11. paulboylan Says:

    They sure as fuck do.


  12. My mum was born and raised in Newfoundland. I wonder if it is too late for me to get my passport?


  13. paulboylan Says:

    Hell no, buddy. All of this is theater for foreign types. You and I are Americans. As Americans we can laugh, but we can’t leave, not in the middle of a fight. Like the ancient Spartans, either we return with our shields, or on them.

    For all the ridicule and invective I spew, I am a patriot, fighting for an American that my father was willing to die for during WWII and that I, in turn an willing to die to defend. The major difference is that my father fought on a very different beach than we do.

    When I took my son to Omaha Beach and walked out into the surf, turning my back to the sea and facing the shore, I wished for two things. I wished the Big Wish that my son would understand one day why his crazy old man brought him there. And I wished a much darker, hopeless wish that the war I was fighting could be as simple and clean as the one our fathers fought against a foe they could see. Fighting something tangible is easier, really, than fighting ideas or something powerfully intangible like ignorance and intellectual dishonesty for the purpose of turning citizens into de facto slaves.

    But we fight the war we are given, not the one we want, and, in this brave new world, they also serve who sit and blog. I suspect you feel the same.


  14. Step outside your political bias for just a moment and here’s what you might see.

    –The TSA grabs your junk whether you voted Republican or Democrat.
    –The drones fly over your backyard and won’t fly around you if you’re a Republican or a Democrat.
    –When the bank comes to foreclose people’s homes, they don’t care if you’re a Republican or a Democrat, you still get put out in the street.
    –Studies show Republicans and Democrats both continue to file for bankruptcy.
    –You must purchase health care insurance, or pay a penalty, regardless of whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat.

    Did I miss anybody? Sure I did, lots of other individuals, who might be black, white, believers, non-believers, the list goes on and on, but none of them are exempt either. Anybody feeling free yet?

    If you say, I Want My Country Back, its not about race or party or ideology, its about freedom. Sure I want affordable health care, just don’t force me to buy it, and penalize me if I don’t. What if the government decides you should get a smart phone, or a smart car, or something else they tell you you just have to have. Where does it stop? Who ultimately benefits? How many times have both parties lied? What about your individual rights?

    Without freedom, you can’t be anything–not even a blogger.
    Without freedom, you can’t do anything–except what you’re told to do.


  15. paulboylan Says:

    Political bias? Buddy, the odds are that I have far less political bias than you. I am 55 years old and have always considered myself a conservative Republican and an American patriot. I come to my conclusions reluctantly and with a certain amount of horror that someone biased cannot every understand or experience.

    And here is what I know for a fact, and wish I did not know:

    “I want my country back” is an expression that originally was said by white racists infuriated that a black man could possibly be elected to the nation’s highest office. “I want my country back” is code for “I am unhappy that a black man, who I fear will have sympathy for poor people, is president.” I wish that were not true, but it is.

    However, although the expression may have begun as an expression of racism, not all people who use it are racist. Non racist people who are truly and honesty fearful about the loss of their personal freedoms over the last 50 years have adopted the slogan as a summary of what they are afraid of.

    But their fear has been focused onto one man, our first black president. Prior white presidents are responsible for the mess we are in, not the new guy. Republicans and Democrats ignored economic problems, allowed government to grow and let our personal liberties slowly decay into what it is today.

    Obama hasn’t helped solve this, but then, he did what Republicans and Democrats have done since the end of WWII. “Obamacare” is a Republican proposal. Obama adopted it as a naive sign of bipartisanship. The Republican party flip flopped on this to pander to vocal racists who where looking for any and every reason to find fault with our new, young – and black – president. The GOP even supported ridiculous arguments like Obama being unqualified for the presidency because he was born in Kenya. The GOP supported this with vigor until the silliness of it overwhelmed even their desire to pander to our once great nation’s lowest common denominator.

    And this forced health care buy in you protest – it has nothing to do with freedom. You shouldn’t be free to have no healthcare, use emergency rooms at no expense to you – expenses passed on to me in the form of higher insurance premiums. That’s the freedom you champion? Bullshit.

    We already have insurance requirements in many states with penalties for not purchasing insurance – and it works great. In many states, you are forced by law to purchase auto insurance and if you don’t you are penalized. My auto insurance rates used to be sky high, and increasing, to pay the costs of uninsured motorists when they were in accidents. But not now. Now my auto insurance rates are dirt cheap because everyone is insured in my state and the costs/risks are spread out.

    That is what Obamacare is trying to do – and it is a good idea. It protects my freedom from having you – a poor sick fuck – pick my pocket by getting free emergency health care at my expense.

    There are plenty of problems with Obamacare. I cannot even list them all here. But the mandate isn’t one of them. But you’ve been told that it is, and so you are fighting to prevent it – like a cow. Like a dog. Like a domestic animal being exploited by masters you cannot even see and who manipulate you into taking political positions against your interests.

    Stupid boy. Trying to school me on my “bias” and tutor me on “freedom?” You are a slave and don’t even know it.


  16. paulboylan Says:

    Unite For Freedom, I owe you an apology. I’ve thought about what I just wrote and conclude I was unfair to your position or your beliefs, which are legitimate if not important. After reading your post again, I find we agree on many things. I know libertarians and Ron Paul supporters who believe the same things, and I count them as my friends and admire what both they and Ron Paul stand for.

    But we disagree on the legitimacy of the power of the majority to coerce behaviors against the will of the minority through legislated penalties for behaviors the majority seek to impose – which seems to be the basis for your argument against a national health insurance scheme that includes a penalty for anyone who doesn’t purchase medical insurance.

    I don’t think the freedom to be free of coercion from the majority has ever been a freedom recognized in any form of government the world has ever known. All government, from the beginning of time, have been defined by the exercise of power. The primary debate hasn’t been whether or not exercising power is legitimate. The primary question has been who gets to exercise power and how they get to do it.

    We live in a system of government that was designed like all systems of government to exercise power, but our system was specifically designed to place certain limits on government’s ability to exercise power, requiring power to be essentially granted by majority vote (with the term “majority” being defined differently for different purposes).

    The power to tax and regulate behavior with rewards and punishments is central to our system of government. The idea that any coercive power is illegitimate is very new. Being new doesn’t mean it lacks value. But being new means it has a long way to go to be accepted by the majority as legitimate.

    Back to the point: I disagree with your view that government manipulation of behavior through the imposition of costs for some behavior and benefits for other behavior is illegitimate. I disagree that being free requires being free from the essential function of government. It sure would be nice not to have to do anything against our will or our whim of the moment, but that is never going to happen.

    Finally, I feel that imposing a penalty on an American citizen who does not purchase medical insurance is a legitimate exercise of the majority’s will – which could change with the next election, and very well might change. It is also legitimate to require me to pay taxes to pay for infrastructure, such as water, sewer and roads, that I benefit from indirectly even if I do not use these services.

    Again, I apologize for demonizing your position and lumping you in with the lunatic fringe of brain dead voters who are being manipulated by what amounts to the American Ruling Class. That is not what you were expressing or revealing.


  17. Yes, we must fight to the death for the freedom to die of untreated injuries and curable diseases! Without this freedom no other freedom is worthwhile and in fact doesn’t exist anyway!

    Seriously, I think there’s no clearer illustration of ideology than this elevation of the a very abstract, arbitrary and narrow definition of “freedom” over practical and real human concerns and interests. Because there’s no doubt there: it is an abstraction, one that has no referent in the world outside the heads of those who subscribe to it. It’s an ideal, in the purest sense of that word. One that has no rational basis nor any practical import other than to deny one’s own interests.


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