EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH WILLIAM TODD AKIN

U.S. Congressman William Todd Akin

[William Todd Akin is the U.S. Representative for Missouri’s 2nd congressional district, and has served in congress since 2001. He is a member of the Republican Party. He is a “pro life” politician, opposing abortion for any reason or under any circumstances other than “forceable rape.”  Akin recently stated that it is “really rare” for women who are the victims of “legitimate rape”to become pregnant. In this frankly fictitious interview, Congressman Akin explains his argument.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Congressman Akin, thank you for agreeing to speak with us today.

WILLIAM TODD AKIN: My pleasure, Paul.

POE: Let’s cut to the chase: the Internet is abuzz with reports that you recently stated that women who are raped don’t get pregnant.

AKIN: Well, that’s not true, Paul. I did not say that women who are raped never get pregnant. I said that, when women are legitimately raped, they tend not to get pregnant because the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down.

POE:  Sort of a “Jedi uterus trick?”

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“These aren’t the rapists you are looking for…”

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AKIN:  Conservative Republicans prefer to call it “God’s little protective shield.”

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POE: But this shield only works in cases of  “legitimate rape?”

AKIN:  Exactly.

POE: When is a rape illegitimate?

AKIN:  An illegitimate rape happens when a woman asks for it, Paul. For instance, if she wears a sexy dress, or puts on lipstick, or leaves the house. When that happens, the woman who claims she was raped bears some responsibility for what happened, and that means she wanted it, so it isn’t really a rape, is it?

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POE: Let me see if I understand your argument. Are you saying that, if a woman gets pregnant, she wasn’t raped?

AKIN: Yep. That’s what I’m saying. When a woman is raped, her body magically rejects the sperm of the rapist, preventing pregnancy. But if she wanted it or enjoys the experience, then she will get pregnant. *

POE:  So you are saying that if a woman gets pregnant, her pregnancy is proof she wasn’t raped?

AKIN:  Exactly.  Yes.  Praise God.

POE:  What about the idea that no means no?

AKIN:  Well, son, take my word for it – sometimes no means yes.  Heck, if a young fella couldn’t have any fun unless a woman gives him permission, then our race would die out.  And if she gets pregnant then that is proof she changed her mind, isn’t it?

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POE: I think that’s one of the most antediluvian, backward, repugnant things I have ever heard in my life – and I’ve heard a lot of antediluvian, backward repugnant things.

AKIN: I didn’t understand a lot of those words, Paul, so I interpret what you said as disrespecting my Christian values.  Jesus hated women, Paul.  It’s right there in the Bible.  I believe that a woman’s place is in the home, and if she leaves her home – especially without a male escort – then she has no one but herself to blame for what happens next.

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AKIN: And even if she didn’t ask for it, and she gets pregnant, it would be wrong to punish the child for the mistake she made.

POE:  The mistake of going outside without a man to protect her?

AKIN:  Exactly.

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POE: You’re a candidate for the United States Senate, right?

AKIN: Yep.

POE: How are you doing?

AKIN: I’m way ahead of my Democrat opponent in the polls.

POE: And the people of Missouri know your views on legitimate and illegitimate rape?

AKIN: They sure do. **

POE: Then God help us all.

AKIN: No, Paul. God is not going to help all of us.  He is going to help conservative, God fearing Republicans like me regain control of our government, bring back the America we want, and wipe the liberal communist socialist slime off of our great nation by putting women, minorities, homosexuals, liberals and miscegenists back in their place.  Oh yeah, and He is going to help us get rid of all those immigrants, too.  Mud people, Paul. I’m talking about mud people.

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*  The “legitimate/illegitimate” rape distinction is virtually identical to the medieval English belief that a woman could not get pregnant unless she enjoyed having sex with a man.  More specifically:

Misunderstandings of medieval medical men abound on the topic of pregnancy, and by extension, rape. Inspired by the Classical physician Galen, medieval medicine taught that women could only get pregnant if they had derived pleasure from the sex—and not mere pleasure, either; in order to conceive a woman would have to reach orgasm. There may be a small kernel of logic to this assumption, considering that medieval medicine understood women’s bodies in large part only though comparison to the bodies of men. In most cases, a man can only impregnate a woman if he ejaculates, which by definition means orgasm. Centuries later, science and psychology is still trying to understand the female orgasm. But one thing modern science can say without any doubt is that there is no link between a woman’s orgasm and her ability to become pregnant. The medieval belief that this link existed was the cause of great distress for many medieval Englishwomen who were victims of rape. If a woman can only conceive a child after having experienced orgasm, then all pregnant women enjoyed the sex that got them pregnant…and therefore the sex could not have been rape.

See  http://cold-wombs-and-fatal-motherhood-womens-sexual-safety

Social conservatives who use the GOP as a platform to correct the errors of social programs consider this exact argument as scientific evidence that a woman who is actually and truly raped cannot get pregnant.  A social conservative pundit, Peter Cornswalled, summarizes the argument as follows:

It is not possible for a woman who is actually raped to become pregnant. A woman who becomes pregnant must have had a moment of issue, meaning she enjoyed what happened. Regardless of how the encounter began, by achieving a moment of issue the woman has consented to all that went before. The act of becoming pregnant is, due to the biology with which God gifted us, proof that the woman was not raped.

See http://petercornswalled.blogspot.com/2012/03/myth-of-rape-pregnancies.html

Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan co-sponsored a bill in congress outlawing all forms of abortion except for pregnancies resulting from “forceable rape.”  The “forceable rape” versus “non forceable rape” distinction mirrors the medieval concept described above – i.e., Ryan and Akin believe that rape is an awful, violent experience that no woman could take pleasure from – which means a raped woman cannot get pregnant. But a woman who gets pregnant after sex must have enjoyed the experience and therefore wasn’t raped.

** CNNPolitics reports: “Akin was one of the first members of Congress to join the Tea Party Caucus in 2010 and has easily won re-election in recent years. The lawmaker has raised a notable $2.2 million this cycle, as of July 18.”

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She’ll be put back in her place real soon.

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19 Responses to “EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH WILLIAM TODD AKIN”

  1. When the time comes, it is people like you that we will round up first. Blasphemers. Fornicators. Free thinkers. Intellectuals. People who question authority. And yes vegetarians too. When Romney and Ryan take power it will be all over for you and your socialist faggot friends.

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  2. *shudder* to quote my hero,
    “it’s funny because it’s true.”

    Brilliant.

    Like

  3. “I’m way ahead of my Democrat opponent in the polls”. Hopefully his recent comments have fixed that mistake.

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  4. Dino not to be confused with Says:

    This is years old isn’t it PNB ?
    Or this a new guy, same logic?
    As long as you don’t kiss there will be no pregnancy ?
    What does he think about electricity?
    If you fart you’ll get a brown out ?
    You Yanks win.

    Like

  5. Comrades, I foresee a vagina drain from Missouri. Brain drain from the US in general, Britain, France, all debt laden countries.

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  6. Lawrence Chase Says:

    It really, really and most truly, is time to go to France and live. The GOP is giving me heartburn and idigestion. Besides, the republicans hate good food and classy women, much less any kind of discussion that requires exercise of the mind. It is an affront to their sense of rugged american manhood.

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  7. At least remove this legitimate douchebag from his seat on the House Science and Technology Committee as suggest by Greg Laden over at his science blog.

    “The question at hand can be divided into two parts: 1) What is the chance of a given intromissive internally insemnating sexual event leading to a pregnancy in a woman not on birth control of average fecundity? Then, 2) Does this probability go down, as the good Congresman claims, or does it stay the same.

    The answer to the first question is that it is not terribly high. We are not a one-copulation=one baby species. It takes a bunch of tangos to turn out a tyke, on average (but statistics is NOT a birth control method!). As to the second question, it turns out that according to certain data it actually goes up. It is reasonable to suggest that the chance of a single copulation leading to pregnancy if that copulation is rape is about double the overall average. Maybe.

    This has been discussed by Thornhill and Palmer, authors of the controversial book “A Natural History of Rape: Biological Bases of Sexual Coercion” and subsequent to the storm of debate that arose from that it has been looked at more carefully and a little bit verified. Our estimates of fecundity are based on reported data, vague estimates, and a lot of thumb sucking. So, when we have a couple of rape-related studies that show a higher pregnancy rate than background, unless it was a lot higher, we would need to take that with a grain of salt.

    In any case, the difference is not large.

    But, there it is also not lower. The chance of pregnancy from what the Good Congressman calls “legitimate rape” … a term that will surely live in infamy … is not lower. It might be higher. But it is not lower. The man is an ignorant fool. He is wrong.

    Greg said it better than I could

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  8. Also Akin was Paul Ryan’s co-sponsor on a House bill just last year banning the use of federal funds for abortion except in cases of “forcible rape.” (another delightful malapropsim and yes I am being bitterly sarcastic about calling it that, damn you interwebz with no emoticom for sarcasm). This bill would see If the measure had passed, a 13-year old emotionally manipulated into having sex with an older friend or relative would no longer be able to use Medicaid to terminate a resulting pregnancy. Nor would her parents be able to use their tax-exempt health savings fund.

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  9. Paul it may be time to move, the stupid is spreading.

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  10. paulboylan Says:

    If only it were that easy.

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  11. Aha. Another example of USAnian politics at its very finest.

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  12. paulboylan Says:

    There are strong indications the same dark madness is beginning to infect the Australian body politic.

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  13. “same dark madness is beginning to infect the Australian body politic.” if so any ideas what’s the cure? you’ve been fighting this infection for longer than us?

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  14. and now you can add Republican Senator.Campfield last week falsely claiming “nearly impossible for someone to contract AIDS through heterosexual contact.”

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  15. paulboylan Says:

    I know exactly what the cure is: free but compulsory education that emphasizes critical thinking skill development. No exceptions or perks for any school – such as one run by a religious organization.

    There is a movement quietly spreading throughout all Australian states to allow schools that control their own curriculum and can make decisions like not teaching evolution to accommodate religious views. So maybe it is too late for you.

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  16. Does your bashing of the Grand Old Party know no bounds?

    Your belittling of your betters can only indicate that you are completely surfeit of any decent rejoinder. Surely it behooves you to offer your discerning readers some alternative views.

    I suggest you begin watching Fox News to perhaps gain a better understanding of the current issues, and therefore be able appreciate the nuances of political argument.

    Like

  17. Legitimate Rape Birth Control Ad: New & Improved Way to Shut This Whole Thing Down!

    http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/videos/legitimate-rape-birth-control-ad/

    Like

  18. OMG Janelle. That was amazing.

    Like

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