EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH WILLIAM TODD AKIN
[William Todd Akin is the U.S. Representative for Missouri’s 2nd congressional district, and has served in congress since 2001. He is a member of the Republican Party. He is a “pro life” politician, opposing abortion for any reason or under any circumstances other than “forceable rape.” Akin recently stated that it is “really rare” for women who are the victims of “legitimate rape”to become pregnant. In this frankly fictitious interview, Congressman Akin explains his argument.]
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Congressman Akin, thank you for agreeing to speak with us today.
WILLIAM TODD AKIN: My pleasure, Paul.
POE: Let’s cut to the chase: the Internet is abuzz with reports that you recently stated that women who are raped don’t get pregnant.
AKIN: Well, that’s not true, Paul. I did not say that women who are raped never get pregnant. I said that, when women are legitimately raped, they tend not to get pregnant because the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down.
POE: Sort of a “Jedi uterus trick?”
AKIN: Conservative Republicans prefer to call it “God’s little protective shield.”
POE: But this shield only works in cases of “legitimate rape?”
POE: When is a rape illegitimate?
AKIN: An illegitimate rape happens when a woman asks for it, Paul. For instance, if she wears a sexy dress, or puts on lipstick, or leaves the house. When that happens, the woman who claims she was raped bears some responsibility for what happened, and that means she wanted it, so it isn’t really a rape, is it?
POE: Let me see if I understand your argument. Are you saying that, if a woman gets pregnant, she wasn’t raped?
AKIN: Yep. That’s what I’m saying. When a woman is raped, her body magically rejects the sperm of the rapist, preventing pregnancy. But if she wanted it or enjoys the experience, then she will get pregnant. *
POE: So you are saying that if a woman gets pregnant, her pregnancy is proof she wasn’t raped?
AKIN: Exactly. Yes. Praise God.
POE: What about the idea that no means no?
AKIN: Well, son, take my word for it – sometimes no means yes. Heck, if a young fella couldn’t have any fun unless a woman gives him permission, then our race would die out. And if she gets pregnant then that is proof she changed her mind, isn’t it?
POE: I think that’s one of the most antediluvian, backward, repugnant things I have ever heard in my life – and I’ve heard a lot of antediluvian, backward repugnant things.
AKIN: I didn’t understand a lot of those words, Paul, so I interpret what you said as disrespecting my Christian values. Jesus hated women, Paul. It’s right there in the Bible. I believe that a woman’s place is in the home, and if she leaves her home – especially without a male escort – then she has no one but herself to blame for what happens next.
AKIN: And even if she didn’t ask for it, and she gets pregnant, it would be wrong to punish the child for the mistake she made.
POE: The mistake of going outside without a man to protect her?
POE: You’re a candidate for the United States Senate, right?
POE: How are you doing?
AKIN: I’m way ahead of my Democrat opponent in the polls.
POE: And the people of Missouri know your views on legitimate and illegitimate rape?
AKIN: They sure do. **
POE: Then God help us all.
AKIN: No, Paul. God is not going to help all of us. He is going to help conservative, God fearing Republicans like me regain control of our government, bring back the America we want, and wipe the liberal communist socialist slime off of our great nation by putting women, minorities, homosexuals, liberals and miscegenists back in their place. Oh yeah, and He is going to help us get rid of all those immigrants, too. Mud people, Paul. I’m talking about mud people.
* The “legitimate/illegitimate” rape distinction is virtually identical to the medieval English belief that a woman could not get pregnant unless she enjoyed having sex with a man. More specifically:
Misunderstandings of medieval medical men abound on the topic of pregnancy, and by extension, rape. Inspired by the Classical physician Galen, medieval medicine taught that women could only get pregnant if they had derived pleasure from the sex—and not mere pleasure, either; in order to conceive a woman would have to reach orgasm. There may be a small kernel of logic to this assumption, considering that medieval medicine understood women’s bodies in large part only though comparison to the bodies of men. In most cases, a man can only impregnate a woman if he ejaculates, which by definition means orgasm. Centuries later, science and psychology is still trying to understand the female orgasm. But one thing modern science can say without any doubt is that there is no link between a woman’s orgasm and her ability to become pregnant. The medieval belief that this link existed was the cause of great distress for many medieval Englishwomen who were victims of rape. If a woman can only conceive a child after having experienced orgasm, then all pregnant women enjoyed the sex that got them pregnant…and therefore the sex could not have been rape.
Social conservatives who use the GOP as a platform to correct the errors of social programs consider this exact argument as scientific evidence that a woman who is actually and truly raped cannot get pregnant. A social conservative pundit, Peter Cornswalled, summarizes the argument as follows:
It is not possible for a woman who is actually raped to become pregnant. A woman who becomes pregnant must have had a moment of issue, meaning she enjoyed what happened. Regardless of how the encounter began, by achieving a moment of issue the woman has consented to all that went before. The act of becoming pregnant is, due to the biology with which God gifted us, proof that the woman was not raped.
Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan co-sponsored a bill in congress outlawing all forms of abortion except for pregnancies resulting from “forceable rape.” The “forceable rape” versus “non forceable rape” distinction mirrors the medieval concept described above – i.e., Ryan and Akin believe that rape is an awful, violent experience that no woman could take pleasure from – which means a raped woman cannot get pregnant. But a woman who gets pregnant after sex must have enjoyed the experience and therefore wasn’t raped.
** CNNPolitics reports: “Akin was one of the first members of Congress to join the Tea Party Caucus in 2010 and has easily won re-election in recent years. The lawmaker has raised a notable $2.2 million this cycle, as of July 18.”
This entry was posted on August 19, 2012 at 12:46 p08 and is filed under American Decline, GOP, Headline, Headlines, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Religion and Politics, The Wrath of God. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.