HEADLINE – DEMOCRATS ACT TO SUPPRESS CONSERVATIVE VOTERS

MUNCIE –  To counter Republican efforts to prevent poor people, minorities and women – groups that traditionally vote for democrats – from voting, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has embarked on a campaign to prevent stupid people from voting.

“Smart voters will never, ever vote for Republican candidates,” former GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorumisaid recently.m

“Stupid voters are the bedrock of Romney’s re-election effort,” Santorum continued.  “Stupid people traditionally vote Republican,” Santorum said. “If they have a college education or read for pleasure you can be sure they aren’t going to vote for Romney.”

Mitt Romney’s campaign has spend millions of dollars in an effort to appeal to Birthers, knee-jerk jingoistic patriots, NASCAR enthusiasts, anti-abortion fanatics, proud morbidly obese Type 2 diabetics who don’t have or want health insurancei even Snooki fans.I

 “We are currently negotiating to get an endorsement from the Octomom,” said an anonymous Romney campaign strategist. “If we can appeal to stupid voters while simultaneously suppressing the poor/minority/woman vote then we should be able to win this thing in November,” the Romney strategist said.

The DNC is fighting fire with fire. “If the Republicans try to prevent democrats from voting, then the DNC going to attempt to suppress the stupid vote,” said Trixie LaRue, a DNC spokesperson.

The plan is fairly simple:  the DNC will set up fake polling places/voting areas on election day with signs outside that read:

“A smart person will read that sign, understand the warning and not vote at that location.  A stupid person, however – i.e., a likely Republican voter – will probably not read the small print, will be impressed by the bright colors, and go into the fake area to vote,” LaRue said.

And when they get into the fake voting booth, they will be given the following fake ballot:

“The average stupid voter will believe they voted for Romney/against Obama, feel pleased with the result, go home, and never realize they didn’t really vote,” LaRue said.

“Early fake voting” is scheduled to begin tomorrow in Mississippi, Texas, Missouri, Indiana, West Virgina and Arizona.

8 Responses to “HEADLINE – DEMOCRATS ACT TO SUPPRESS CONSERVATIVE VOTERS”

  1. I’m not sure about that ‘ballot paper’. There seems to be way too much punctuation. Commas, a full stop, even a hyphen. I also noticed the judicious use of capital letters; are you sure this won’t confuse people?

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  2. Democrats do tend to over complicate things. But I suspect from my own encounters with abysmally stupid people that they aren’t comfortable unless they are in at least a slight state of confusion. I suspect that, when stupid people vote, they are always a bit confused. So perhaps the DNC “over worked” fake ballot will still achieve the goal of convincing stupid voters they actually voted.

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  3. I’m pretty sure that “Snooky” is usually spelled with an -i at the end, not a -y. I feel that’s an important point to raise here.

    Perhaps I should vote Republican.

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  4. I have no idea what you are talking about.

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  5. Sounds like Romney’s playing both ends – appeal to the stupid people one minute, then write them off the next.

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  6. Early voting – this could backfire. By the time the real election comes around, they will have forgotten they already fake-voted and they will probably vote again. This time for real.

    Bonus points for Octomom reference.

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  7. I’m reading Greg Palast are sure you’re idea won’t be stolen and used?

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  8. If any of my ideas are stolen, then I will be in good company.

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