HEADLINE – STUDY SHOWS ORGANIC FOOD NO HEALTHIER THAN NON-ORGANIC

(Reuters Health) – Organic produce and meat typically isn’t any better for you than conventional varieties when it comes to vitamin and nutrient content, according to a new study from Stanford University sponsored by corporations supporting chemical companies.

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Where food comes from.

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“I knew that there or-ganic stuff was a lie,” said Skip Henderson, a morbidly obese registered Republican welfare recipient without health insurance suffering from type 2 diabetes. “It don’t say nothin’ about no or-ganic food in the consitution or the bible,” Henderson added before devouring a triple patty extra cheese cheeseburger topped with bacon, ham and onion rings (described with approval in Leviticus).

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Skip Henderson and his little friend.

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“You can pay more for ‘organic’ food at some hippy farmers market, but why do that when it costs less to buy chemically enhanced food at your local supermarket that, due to the magic of preservatives, won’t spoil for years and years and years?” said Dr. Ernst Henderson, a spokesman for Cargil, a corporate food giant that co-sponsored the Stanford Study.

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Ernst Henderson

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“Organic food is a fraud,” said Henry Henderson, Junior Vice President of Goldman Sachs, an international investment firm with strong ties to the chemical industry that also co-sponsored the Stanford Study. “The study we paid for concluded that there is nothing wrong with eating foods rich in pesticides, preservatives, manufactured sugars, fats and other chemical additives that have been linked to cancer, obesity, diabetes, an increase in infant mortality and a decrease in life expectancy.”

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Henry Henderson

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“But here is the important thing to remember,” Henderson added.  “The studies that concluded the chemicals our clients produce and sell at obscene profits, these studies weren’t paid for by the chemical industry or corporations with chemical industry ties, so those studies were unfair, anti-American and probably socialist.”

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Anti-American Socialists.

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“Let’s face it,” said Karen Henderson, a spokesperson for the Monsanto Corporation, “people who buy organic food and don’t buy industrially processed foods rich in chemical bonus materials, these people hate capitalism.” Henderson said.

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Pretending to engage in open market commerce.

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Skip Henderson agreed. “The liberal commies won’t let folks buy super large servings of soda!  What happened to freedom?  I say it is my right as an American to eat whatever I want as often as I want and as much as I want even if it is bad for me.  You can’t make me eat any commie organic food!”

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5 Responses to “HEADLINE – STUDY SHOWS ORGANIC FOOD NO HEALTHIER THAN NON-ORGANIC”

  1. How pertinent – have just been having a discussion with another friend about the problems with food additives. Shall instead just send them this link as it explains everything.

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  2. There’s an awful lot of these studies around:

    http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/diet-nutrition/story/2011/07/Doctors-group-says-hot-dogs-as-dangerous-as-cigarettes/49665266/1?csp=ylf

    There are similar articles about meat, eggs, barbecued food and bacon.

    According to all these articles, we should all be eating nothing but ethically grown organic raw fruits and vegetables, washed down with rainwater. No, this won’t make us live longer. It will just feel like it.

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  3. I want to know, when is someone gonna produce cheesey bacon in a can? That would be wonderful.

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  4. And that can had better have a spray nozzle on it. I want to dollop that shit.

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  5. Andres Cabanillas

    (Reuters Health) – Organic produce and meat typically isn

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