HEADLINE – SUSPICIOUS MONKEY DEATH IN DAVIS

DAVIS –  The death of a monkey found  in a research lab hanging from a light fixture with a bungee cord wrapped around its neck has been ruled a suicide.

“Our preliminary investigation has determined that Jojo killed himself,” said Sgt. Helen Smedby of the U.C. Davis Police Department.

“Why would a monkey commit suicide?” asked animal rights advocate Jason Dante. “This monkey didn’t die by his own paw.  This wasn’t the result of auto erotic asphyxiation gone wrong.  This monkey was killed because of what he knew.”

“What can a monkey know?” asked UCD Primate Researcher Center Director Hans Gruber. “They know lots of things. They know bananas taste good.  They know they like to throw their poo.  But they don’t know anything that could get them killed. We’re talking about monkeys here.   They aren’t subject to depression or ennui,” Gruber added.

Jojo was described by those who knew him as a loner who kept to himself.

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4 Responses to “HEADLINE – SUSPICIOUS MONKEY DEATH IN DAVIS”

  1. That monkey was assassnated man.

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  2. UC Davis eh. Was he involved with Occupying the Lab? Any smell of pepper spray?

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  3. Come on, PNB, you’ve gotta provide us the links to this stuff! I wanna know about these monkey-hating conspirators and why they did it. And was there a one-armed man involved? Or a smoking man?

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  4. I think it was kinky sex that went wrong, Erotic asphyxiation.

    Like

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