AFTER THE ELECTION – EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH GOD

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[Since Barak Obama’s surprise and seemingly inexplicable re-election, Republican pundits have been struggling to figure out what went so horribly wrong.  They have considered multiple explanations, most of which focus on blaming Karl Rove for persuading them to declare war on women, minorities,  immigrants, homosexuals and the science.  There is a consensus, however, that the true culprit responsible for Barak Obama’s re-election is bad weather – aka Hurricane Sandy.   God – the Supreme Being and Creator of the Universe – agreed to sit down with PEOPLE OF EARTH and discuss this theory.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  First of all, how would you like me to address you?

GOD:  Call me Ted.

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POE:   Ted?

GOD:  Sure. Why not?  I like the name Ted.  I’m God. I can do what I want.  A week ago I was Debbie. What of it?

POE:  I was thinking more in the line of “Lord” or “Jehovah.”

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GOD:  That’s so old fashioned. I suggested Jehovah because the ancient Hebrews had difficulty pronouncing Ted. Or Debbie.

POE:  Okay. Well, Ted, let’s cut to the chase:  Haley Barbour, who served as Mississippi governor when Hurricane Katrina hit his state, asserted Thursday that “Hurricane Sandy saved Barack Obama’s presidency.”  Doesn’t that imply divine intervention to influence the election in Barack Obama’s favor?

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GOD:  I see what you are getting at: I’m God, I make storms, so I must have sent that hurricane to break Mitt Romney’s momentum, allow Obama to appear presidential, and swing the election to an Obama victory. Is that it?

POE:   That is sort of what the Republican’s are arguing.

GOD:  Well, then they are a bunch of idiots.  Seriously. I could go on and on about everything they did wrong. I mean, come on, it doesn’t take a supreme being to notice how important women and latinos are to any candidate’s election prospects.  But the Republicans declared war on everyone who wasn’t an uneducated white male – and then expected women and blacks and latinos and homosexuals and immigrants and students to vote for them. What a bunch of maroons.

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POE: So you are denying responsibility for Sandy?

GOD:  Not in the least.  I made that.  I mean, do you have any idea how many unbelievably unlikely variables had to be in play to get that storm to hit as hard as it did, where it did, when it did?  That’s Divine Intervention, baby.  That was all me.  But I didn’t do it to help Obama win re-election.  Contrary to what you are being told by guys who claim to talk to me, I do not get involved in elections or wars or anything like that.  Hell, the thing that annoys me most is when some stupid fuck of a high school football quarterback says that he owes a recent victory to me.  I had nothing to do with winning a football game. I mean, come on, I made the universe. Do you really think I am going to say “hmmmm, I want the Blue Devils to win and the Honkers to lose.” Are you kidding? Like I care.

POE: So you are admitting responsibility for Hurricane Sandy?

GOD:  Of course I am.  I am responsible for the volcanic eruption that wiped out the Minoan civilization. I am responsible for the earthquake that leveled Lisbon in 1755 and all but destroyed Haiti in 2010.  Those are my works. So was Sandy.  But I didn’t send Sandy to help Obama. I sent Sandy to punish the US east coast. New York City in particular.  I hate that Mayor Bloomberg. He banned big soft drinks.

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POE:  You sent Sandy because you dislike Mayor Bloomberg?

GOD:  Do I need a better reason?

POE:  I guess not.

GOD:  But the important point to take away from all of this, other than apparent divine arbitrary and capricious behavior, is that Republicans are fooling themselves if they think Sandy got Obama elected.  Republican stupidity got Obama re-elected. I had nothing to do with it. Sandy had nothing to do with it.  I mean, come on, they selected Mitt Romney to challenge Obama, not Chris Christie or Jeb Bush or even Jim Huntsman.  Then they actively and vigorously alienated the voters they needed to win.  What were they thinking?  I’ll tell you – they weren’t thinking. They were living in a dream world where history from 1950 to the present didn’t happen.  They were trying to wish it all away back to the good old days when women, minorities and homosexuals knew their place. They did this to themselves, and their attempts to blame anyone other than themselves and anything other than their stupid strategy and tactics only proves how pathetic they are and is ultimate proof that they don’t deserve to hold the reins of power.

POE:  Well said.

GOD:  Of course it was well said, you idiot. I’m Ted.

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5 Responses to “AFTER THE ELECTION – EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH GOD”

  1. You really can’t blame Ted for thinking all those quarterbacks are dickhead, arse lickers. I mean the bloke has the qualities of Omnibenevolence, Omnipotence, Omnipresence and Omniscience, hes got the patience of Job. He is all encompassing and can see everything at one. Like all intelligent beings he finds American Football (sic) to be the most utterly lame and boring game of football ever invented, even compared to Rugby League, and that’s saying a lot.

    Being summoned by an over exited jock after one of these snoozefests must really give him the shits, especially if at that time he’d been keenly following a decent cricket Test.

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  2. After spending some quality time with Him/Her/It I am forced to conclude the Supreme Being is a bit less supreme than those of us inclined to believe imaging Him/Her/it to be. A bit of a petulant jerk, to be honest about it – more in the keeping of the ancient Greek concept of the divine. Maybe they knew something we’ve forgotten.

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  3. Careful, Paul. Them’s smitin’ words.

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  4. I always thought Ted would be a little more polite. It explains a lot.

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  5. Ted’s a bit up himself really. He probably amuses himself by dicking around with traffic lights and tv reception. I reckon he’s the one who cut Billy Idol’s sound in the Rugby League Grand Final a few years back. What an arsehole.

    Like

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