EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ETHAN COUCH’S DOG

dog1

When  wealthy fugitives Ethan Couch and his mother, Tanya, were apprehended in Mexico, their dog, Fluffy, was confiscated by Mexican authorities.  Ethan Couch is now challenging the legality of his arrest partly on the grounds that the entire arrest is illegal because the Mexican authorities wrongfully confiscated his dog.  In a frankly fictitious interview from Mexico, Fluffy sets the record straight.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us today.

FLUFFY:  No, thank you for the opportunity to let the world know my side of the story.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  And what story is that?

FLUFFY:  I want everyone to know that I was and remain an unwilling participant in any of this.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Are you saying that you accompanied Ethan and Tanya unwillingly?

FLUFFY:  Exactly.  I had nothing to do with any of this nonsense.  If I had my way I would still be in Texas.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  So what happened?

FLUFFY:  First of all, do you know who my owners are?

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Yes.  Tanya and Fred Couch and their son, Ethan.

Fred Tanya and Ethan

FLUFFY:  How would you describe them?

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Wealthy, white, amoral Texas morons who, if not for their money and the privileges money and race provide, would all be in prison.

FLUFFY:  That describes a lot of people in Texas.  I was going for something more specific. More personal.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Such as?

FLUFFY:  In addition to being rich white folks who can literally get away with murder because they are rich and white, they are also bad dog owners – and that is unforgivable.

bad dog owners

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Did they mistreat you?

FLUFFY:  They were going to eat me.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Eat you?

FLUFFY:  That was their plan.  I was minding my own business, keeping a low profile, while they were making their moronic plans to run away to Mexico. Seriously stupid.  I stayed out of it, glad they were leaving. Then, at the last minute, they decided to take me with them.  The mom explained that, if things got really bad, they could always eat me if they had to.  I was insurance.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  That is a bit hard to believe.

FLUFFY:  Are you kidding?  Remember who we are talking about here.  This is the “affluenza” family.  This is the kid who killed four people, permanently crippling others, who’s parents taught him that his race and wealth excused them from the suffering any consequences of their actions, and then demonstrated the truth of that by getting him ten years of probation instead of jail time and sending him to “rehab” at a resort in Newport, California that cost half a million dollars.  Then ran away to Mexico because a video tape showed Ethan drinking alcohol and violating the terms of his probation.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  I think I see your point.  These are the kinds of privileged douchebags that would eat their dog if they were hungry.

cooked dog

FLUFFY:  Exactly.  And that’s why I don’t want to go back to them.  I want out.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  You are out.  They are in jail.

FLUFFY:  They won’t stay in jail.  Remember who and what they are.  They already worked the system to allow their kid to face no consequences for killing four people and crippling others.  Remember Judge Jean Boyd?

Jeanboyd

POE:  Yes.hI inteterviewed her/shortly after she rendered her verdict.

FLUFFY:  She’s the judge that agreed that Ethan suffered from “affluenza” – a disease that only spoiled rich kids can get – and that it excuses his getting drunk and killing all those people. What makes you think they won’t be able to persuade some other judge that Ethan and Tanya shouldn’t get any jail time for violating the terms of Ethan’s probation?  They have the money and influence to beat this, too.

JusticeForSale

FLUFFY: Tanya Couch’s Texas attorneys are arguing that she didn’t break any laws.

Trust me.

FLUFFY:  Ethan Couch’s Mexican lawyers are arguing that, under Mexican law, this little snot’s arrest was unlawful – partly because it was unlawful to take possession of me, their dog.  They are going to beat this, and they are going to come and get me.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  If all of that is true, how can you stop it?

FLUFFY:  Fuck if I know.

Dog 2

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

people of earth

 

Another perfect day! 1

24 Responses to “EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ETHAN COUCH’S DOG”

  1. greybeard3 Says:

    Does any other country elect Judges and Sheriffs etc? Not that I’m implying that anything about the USA could be less than perfect – I’m not some kinda pinko scum. Just seems that in similarly developed nations we don’t see the same level of violence and corruption.

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  2. paulboylan Says:

    Define “developed.”

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  3. greybeard3 Says:

    Oh you know, just the usual markers of a high civilisation. Universal rights to a decent quality education, health care, justice, freedom from fear, freedom of religion, freedom from want, freedom of speech. Ah. Never mind, I’ll see myself out.

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  4. paulboylan Says:

    Hold on a second. Do we get any credit for creating a system that has fooled so many of its own citizens that they have more rights, health care, better education, justice, equality and freedom than any other nation provides or has ever provided? We have developed and maintained that illusion for over two hundred years. And it wasn’t easy. Don’t we get any credit for that?

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  5. greybeard3 Says:

    “PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR CREDIT AS REFUSAL MY OFFEND”

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  6. What a sham,

    Now the claim is that the Mother, Son and Dog ran off to Mexico. They simply did not see the sign for the last US exit before entering Mexico. If there some sort of a fence it would have alerted them that they were in grave danger. Further, it is claimed that they were in hiding and the youth went to a Strip Joint.

    More vicious lies!

    Have you seen the pictures? Do you really think that those were serious disguises?

    Also if the youngster was drinking in a strip joint, he would have only been served inexpensive soft drinks because he was under age and because alcohol would have been a violation of his probation. I’m sure that he and his mother only entered Mexico to recover their missing Dog,,,and the Gun was to protect them from dangerous Dog thieves.

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  7. paulboylan Says:

    So true. I also don’t believe that they took the dog to eat it if they ran out of food. Neither of them has ever eaten a meal that wasn’t cooked for them by someone else. What were they going to do, kill it and grill it over a camp fire? Ridiculous! That dog is a liar.

    However, I do think they were trying to disguise themselves. The fact that they did such a poor job of it mitigates in favor of them being inept, not innocent.

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  8. So does Fernando Benitez specialize in Goofy Americans ?
    Five bucks says the Dog will testify against them and they may get charged with Dog-Napping

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  9. paulboylan Says:

    Mr. Benitez is a magnificent attorney and, frankly speaking, there is a good chance he will succeed.

    As for Fluffy, she has greed to meet with the Couch family representative. I suspect she will be bought off. I have a follow-up interview scheduled, so we’ll see what happens.

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  10. Even the best attorney can be saddled with a goofy client. As for Fluffy, I see a book deal in the works.

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  11. I have no words for this……

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  12. paulboylan Says:

    It is going to get a whole lot weirder, mate. (EW + WP) x ES = UA.*

    *EW = extreme wealth
    WP = White Privilege
    ES = extreme stupidity
    EA = unbelievable absurdity

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  13. you betcha
    According to Harry R, the word is out that Fluffy is entering the Federal Witness Protection Program;
    However I suspect we will be treated to guest appearances on The O’Reilly Factor

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  14. So what? They took their dog to Mexico ‘cos they like chilli dogs. Ain’t that every Texicanian’s God-given right? Isn’t that one of the reasons why Davy Crockett gave his life at The Alamo? Or maybe that was Dan’l Boone … or Walt Disney… erm… look over there! Aliens!

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  15. InCorrecto,
    According to Fluffy, He was led to believe that they were going to the Dog Park, then perhaps to the Beach. The Couch’s had promised that He (Fluffy) could ride in the truck bed and that Ethan would not be driving.

    Further, Fluffy has stated that although he likes tacos, he has issues with refried beans and should be allowed to immediately return to the USA for compassionate and humanitarian reasons.
    Based simply on these facts, he should immediately be released and afforded safe passage to the State of Texas.
    Please note: While in Mexico, Fluffy has married a Mexican Chihuahua who wishes to return with him to the USA and obtain US Citizenship.

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  16. greybeard3 Says:

    Ha! “safe passage to the State of Texas” indeed. Everyone knows that ‘safe’ and ‘in Texas’ are mutually exclusive.

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  17. Tanya Couch’s Texas attorneys are arguing that she didn’t break any laws (other than creating a public nuisance)

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  18. paulboylan Says:

    Of course they are.

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  19. The Dogs in question had their passports returned however the passports were stamped ” perro no quiso no gracias”. Does Fernando Benitez handle immigration law?

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  20. It strikes me as a cautionary tale; avoid wealth and or privilege.

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  21. paulboylan Says:

    I disagree. The message of this cautionary tale is: even a dog has to be careful.

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  22. Otherwise, it may appear in the pizza mentioned in a previous article?
    I’m so confused.

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  23. paulboylan Says:

    Ah…. pizza.

    Like

  24. imadpossum Says:

    Affluenza teen Ethan Couch’s dog Virgil still in hiding and living the good life

    Like

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