EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ETHAN COUCH’S DOG
When wealthy fugitives Ethan Couch and his mother, Tanya, were apprehended in Mexico, their dog, Fluffy, was confiscated by Mexican authorities. Ethan Couch is now challenging the legality of his arrest partly on the grounds that the entire arrest is illegal because the Mexican authorities wrongfully confiscated his dog. In a frankly fictitious interview from Mexico, Fluffy sets the record straight.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us today.
FLUFFY: No, thank you for the opportunity to let the world know my side of the story.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: And what story is that?
FLUFFY: I want everyone to know that I was and remain an unwilling participant in any of this.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Are you saying that you accompanied Ethan and Tanya unwillingly?
FLUFFY: Exactly. I had nothing to do with any of this nonsense. If I had my way I would still be in Texas.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: So what happened?
FLUFFY: First of all, do you know who my owners are?
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Yes. Tanya and Fred Couch and their son, Ethan.
FLUFFY: How would you describe them?
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Wealthy, white, amoral Texas morons who, if not for their money and the privileges money and race provide, would all be in prison.
FLUFFY: That describes a lot of people in Texas. I was going for something more specific. More personal.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Such as?
FLUFFY: In addition to being rich white folks who can literally get away with murder because they are rich and white, they are also bad dog owners – and that is unforgivable.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Did they mistreat you?
FLUFFY: They were going to eat me.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Eat you?
FLUFFY: That was their plan. I was minding my own business, keeping a low profile, while they were making their moronic plans to run away to Mexico. Seriously stupid. I stayed out of it, glad they were leaving. Then, at the last minute, they decided to take me with them. The mom explained that, if things got really bad, they could always eat me if they had to. I was insurance.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: That is a bit hard to believe.
FLUFFY: Are you kidding? Remember who we are talking about here. This is the “affluenza” family. This is the kid who killed four people, permanently crippling others, who’s parents taught him that his race and wealth excused them from the suffering any consequences of their actions, and then demonstrated the truth of that by getting him ten years of probation instead of jail time and sending him to “rehab” at a resort in Newport, California that cost half a million dollars. Then ran away to Mexico because a video tape showed Ethan drinking alcohol and violating the terms of his probation.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: I think I see your point. These are the kinds of privileged douchebags that would eat their dog if they were hungry.
FLUFFY: Exactly. And that’s why I don’t want to go back to them. I want out.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: You are out. They are in jail.
FLUFFY: They won’t stay in jail. Remember who and what they are. They already worked the system to allow their kid to face no consequences for killing four people and crippling others. Remember Judge Jean Boyd?
POE: Yes.hI inteterviewed her/shortly after she rendered her verdict.
FLUFFY: She’s the judge that agreed that Ethan suffered from “affluenza” – a disease that only spoiled rich kids can get – and that it excuses his getting drunk and killing all those people. What makes you think they won’t be able to persuade some other judge that Ethan and Tanya shouldn’t get any jail time for violating the terms of Ethan’s probation? They have the money and influence to beat this, too.
FLUFFY: Tanya Couch’s Texas attorneys are arguing that she didn’t break any laws.
FLUFFY: Ethan Couch’s Mexican lawyers are arguing that, under Mexican law, this little snot’s arrest was unlawful – partly because it was unlawful to take possession of me, their dog. They are going to beat this, and they are going to come and get me.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: If all of that is true, how can you stop it?
FLUFFY: Fuck if I know.
TO BE CONTINUED…