HEADLINE: ORANGUTAN ESCAPES ENCLOSURE
MUNCIE INDIANA – A large orangutan escaped from his enclosure at the Idaho Falls Zoo on Sunday.
“I can tell you that it was a beautiful escape,” the orangutan said. “Believe me, people are saying that it was the most incredible escape of all time. I’m not saying this. Okay? People are saying it. There is a long waiting list of people who want to say it.”
The orangutan had harsh words for the Zoo. “The Zoo Keeper is a pathetic looser with low ratings,” the orangutan said. “Look, the zoo is run by a man that either is not tough, not smart, or he’s got something else in mind,” the orangutan said in a lengthy interview on Fox NewsSu early Monday morning. “And the something else in mind — you know, people can’t believe it. People cannot, they cannot believe the Zoo Keeper is acting the way he acts. There’s something going on. It’s inconceivable. There’s something going on,” the orangutan said before being shot with a tranquilizer dart and recaptured.
“I appreciate the congrats for being right on being recaptured,” the orangutan tweeted from his cage in the zoo. “I don’t want congrats, I want toughness & vigilance. We must be smart!”
“Huge. Tremendous. Something terrific. Unbelievable. Very, very strong. Super classy,” the orangutan added before throwing some poo.
“It’s a bribe! It’s a disgrace! It’s just really amazing,” the orangutan concluded bigly after hurling his excrement.