THE NEW TWILIGHT ZONE
Nightmare at 20,000 Feet
Monsters are Due on Pennsylvania Avenue
I love the poorly educated. I will tweet a major policy announcement after taking office. I feel very strongly about our constitution. I’m proud of it. I love it. But it’s a rigged system. A crooked system. I would bring back waterboarding and I’d bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding. There has to be some form of punishment for women who want an abortion. Commentators are saying on television that they’ve never seen anything like this. Sad! Very sad. Unbelievable. I am fighting the dishonest and corrupt media. I think the media is among the most dishonest groups of people I’ve ever met. They’re terrible. It is not “freedom of the press” when newspapers and others are allowed to say and write whatever they want even if it is completely false! With me, they’re not protected, because I’m not like other people. I am gonna open up our libel laws so when they write purposely negative and horrible and false articles, we can sue them and win lots of money. I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke. You may get AIDS by kissing.
Nervous Man in an Oval Room
I know what I’m doing, and I listen to a lot of people, I talk to a lot of people, and at the appropriate time I’ll tell you who the people are. But I speak to a lot of people, but my primary consultant is myself, and I have a good instinct for this stuff. I talk to myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things. My I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it. You know, I’m, like, a smart person
A Thing About Nuclear Weapons
I’ve always thought about the issue of nuclear war. I believe the greatest of all stupidities is people’s believing it will never happen, because everybody knows how destructive it will be, so nobody uses weapons. What bullshit. The United States is totally predictable. And predictable is bad. Why can’t I use nuclear weapons? Why are we making them? Why do we make them? The United States must greatly strengthen and expand its nuclear capability until such time as the world comes to its senses regarding nukes. Let it be an arms race. We will outmatch them at every pass and outlast them all. What’s going to happen is they will come to their senses, and we will all be just fine. As far as temperament I think I have a great temperament. Believe me, my temperament is very good, very calm. Bing bing, bong bong, bing bing bing.
The Night of the Meek
I will be the greatest jobs president God ever created. Nobody knows about the U.S. government system better than I do. Nobody knows more about international trade than me. I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me. Nobody knows more about taxes than I do, maybe in the history of the world. Nobody in the history of this country has ever known so much about infrastructure as Donald Trump. I know more about renewables than any human being on Earth. Nobody knows more about debt. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand. I’ve never had any trouble in bed. My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body. Women find my power almost as much of a turn-on as my money. It doesn’t really matter what the media writes as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. There’s nothing I love more than women. I think viagra is wonderful if you need it. I’m not bragging. I’m just lucky. I don’t need it. With a proper woman, you don’t need a vagina. Deeply troubled women are always the best in bed. You don’t want to be with them for the long term. But for the short term, there’s nothing like it. My favorite part of ‘Pulp Fiction’ is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: ‘Bitch be cool.’ I love those lines. I know words. I have the best words.
Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?
I do business with the Martian people, but you have aliens coming through inter dimensional portals that are from all over. And they’re bad. They’re really bad. You have aliens coming in, and I’m not just saying Martians, I’m talking about aliens that are from all over that are killers and rapists and they’re coming into this country. I want a total and complete shutdown of Martians entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on. Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10. Such a nasty woman. That I can tell you. We’re rounding ’em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way. I think people are going to find that I have not only the best policies, but I will have the biggest heart of anybody. I have so many fabulous friends who are Martians, but I am a traditionalist.
The Obsolete Progressive
I hate to tell you, he’s a loser. A loser with low ratings. He failed, really failed badly. Like seriously failed. It’s a disgrace. He fought me and lost so badly he just doesn’t know what to do.
It’s an Unbelievably Good Life
I will bring back all your jobs. You will win so much you will get tired of winning. Believe me. People have said this very greatly. It’s a phenomena. Single greatest phenomena. Tremendous phenomena. ObamaCare was a fraud. We’re gonna replace it with something terrific. No one is going to lose their health care. You can believe me. I think people are going to find that I have not only the best policies, but I will have the biggest heart of anybody. That’s what people are saying. I’m not saying it. People are saying it.
The Midnight Sun
The earth is not getting hotter. It’s really cold outside. It’s a disgrace. The whole thing was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive. It’s a hoax. I mean, it’s a money-making industry, okay? It’s a hoax, a lot of it. Snowing in Texas and Louisiana, record setting freezing temperatures throughout the country and beyond. Global warming is an expensive hoax! I have many, many friends in Texas. Many friends.
To Serve Man
We ought to get on with our lives. I don’t believe it was Russia. Dishonest media. The Media is very dishonest. Very, very dishonest. Extremely dishonest. Unbelievably dishonest. I think it’s unfair if we don’t know. It could be somebody else. It could be someone sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds. I also know things that other people don’t know so we cannot be sure. Unless you catch “hackers” in the act, it is very hard to determine who was doing the hacking. I got this from my sister, who is a fantastic person, an amazing person. I just want them to be sure, because it’s a pretty serious charge, and I want them to be sure. I think it’s unfair if they don’t know. And I know a lot about hacking. And hacking is a very hard thing to prove. However, I will tell you this, Russia: If you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press. I’m very very strong on Russia. Look at Putin — what he’s doing with Russia — I mean, you know, what’s going on over there. I mean this guy has done — he’s doing a great job in rebuilding the image of Russia and also rebuilding Russia. Vladimir, will you be my new best friend? I think I’d get along very well with Vladimir Putin. I just think so. He’s running his country and at least he’s a leader, unlike what we have in this country. Sure, he kills a lot of his enemies and reporters he doesn’t like. I think our country does plenty of killing also. I have no relationship with him other than he called me a genius. And even if Russia tried to influence our presidential election, when are we going to start talking about the other side of this, which is what did Hillary Clinton do to influence the election? Is she being punished in any way? There is something going on. It’s very unfair to Russia.