Archive for the ανόητο άτομα stupid people Category

STATE MANDATED RAPE – An Interview With Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Crime and Punishment, Dogs, Fiction, GOP, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, Michele Bachmann, Mordor, Orcs, Politics, pork, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, سياسة on February 23, 2012 by paulboylan

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[In this frankly fictitious interview, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell talks candidly about the latest attempt by Republicans in the Virginia State legislature to pass a law requiring women who seek an abortion to submit to having a large, long wand shoved up their vaginas as punishment.]

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“The wand is at least this long,” said Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell

 

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Let’s cut to the chase, Governor.  What the hell is this law that everyone is talking about?

 MCDONNELL:  I presume you are referring to House Bill 462.

 POE:  That depends. What does House Bill 462 do?

 MCDONNELL:  It punishes women who want an abortion by mandating that they first get this big thing shoved up their hoo-has.

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 POE:  That’s the one.  How did this happen?

 MCDONNELL:  Through the democratic process that made our nation – and the great state of Virginia – great.  And here is the best part: we got a woman to introduce the bill! Haw haw haw haw!!!

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 MCDONNELL:  How great is that?

 POE:  Why is that great?

 MCDONNELL:  Because it is ironic, you moron.  Whatsamatter? Don’t you appreciate irony? I bet you went to a public school, huh? Are you Italian?  One of them Cath-o- licks?

 POE:  What does that matter?

MCDONNELL:  I take that as a big “yes.”

 POE:  What exactly does House Bill 462 say?

 MCDONNELL:  It requires doctors who perform abortions in the first trimester of pregnancy to perform an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus.

 POE:  That doesn’t sound so bad.

 MCDONNELL:  Yeah, well, that’s what we hoped everyone would think, but some nosey Jew liberal found out that the only way to determine the age of a fetus during the first trimester of pregnancy is by performing a transvaginal probe ultrasound.

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 POE:  And what is that exactly?

 MCDONNELL:  Well, to do it, a doctor or qualified nurse has to shove what looks like a long pole up inside a woman’s lady parts. The pole is called the “transducer.” He he he. Guys around here are now referring to their Johnson as their “transducer” like “hey, Ted, is that a transducer in your pocket or are you thinking about voting for House Bill 462?”

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 POE:  Is there a medical reason for requiring a transvaginal ultrasound?

 MCDONNELL:  Nope. No medical reason or medical benefit whatsoever. But is sure as hell is gonna make ’em think twice about getting an abortion, I know that for damned sure.

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POE:  Can the woman refuse?

 MCDONNELL:  Nope.  If she refuses we throw her in jail along with the doctor who did the operation without first shoving a transducer up her.

POE:  So if she wants an abortion she has to first spread her legs for the transducer.

MCDONNELL:  Hey, come on.  This isn’t virgin territory we are talking about.  She wouldn’t be there if she hadn’t had a “transducer” up in there in the first place.

POE:  But she has no choice about the procedure.

 MCDONNELL:  Exactly. Did I mention that the transducer has this bulb at the end? Eh? (Wiggles eyebrows suggestively.)

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Coincidentally similar to this.

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 POE:  Forgive me, but the whole thing sounds like state sponsored and mandated rape.

 MCDONNELL: Now wait a minute, as a Kath-o-lick you should be 100% in favor of a law that punishes women who want an abortion.  Isn’t that what Rick Santorum is all about?  Bringing back the moral foundation of the 12th Century when the Pope was in charge, no one was allowed to have any fun and witches were burnt?

 POE:  I’m not Catholic.  I am Greek Orthodox.

 MCDONNELL: What the hell is that?

 POE:  It is the oldest form of Christianity on earth.

 MCDONNELL:  I sort of doubt that.

 POE:  Why?

 MCDONNELL:  Because I never heard of it, and that means it probably doesn’t exist.  Look, I am unusually well-informed about the customs of mud people and I never heard of no Greek Orthodox Jews.

 POE:  We were talking about House Bill 462.

 MCDONNELL:  Oh yeah, the “Stick up the Hoo-ha” bill.

POE: Why isn’t that rape?

 MCDONNELL:  I am deeply offended by any attempt to compare a transvaginal ultrasound to a TSA airport patdown.

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 POE:  What?

 MCDONNELL:  I am on record as saying that the full body patdowns the TSA forces you to endure at the airport crosses the line in regards to concerns about privacy and civil liberties.

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 POE:  So you believe that forcibly patting you down at the airport, fully clothed, to make sure you aren’t carrying a weapon violates a person’s privacy and civil liberties?

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 MCDONNELL:  That’s right.

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 POE:  But forcibly inserting a 10 inch wand up a woman’s vagina doesn’t invade her privacy and civil liberties?

MCDONNELL:  Nope.

 POE:  I mean no disrespect, Governor, but it sounds like the Virginia legislature has its collective head up its collective ass.

 MCDONNELL:  So you’re against states’ rights, huh?

 POE:  States’ rights has nothing to do with it.

 MCDONNELL:   It sure as hell does.  This is another example of Obama trampling on states’ rights.

 POE:  No one in the Obama administration has said anything about this.

 MCDONNELL:  Yeah, but he’s thinking about it.  I can feel it.  He’s got these beady eyes that stare at you.  There’s all kinds of bad stuff he wants to do, a whole bunch of rights he wants to take away, but hasn’t talked about.  That’s why he can’t be reelected.  You know he hates white people, don’t you?

 POE:  Obama has nothing to do with this. States’ rights has nothing to do with this.  This is all about non-consensual, invasive sexual contact.

 MCDONNELL:  You hit the nail on the head, Paul.  And that’s how we’re gonna fix the problem.

 POE:  I don’t understand.

 MCDONNELL:  Well, the feminist lesbians, the Jews, the uppity negroes and illegal Mexicans and the liberal media are all upset about House Bill 462 because it forces women to go through a really horrible ordeal if they want an abortion.  So we’re changing the law so that it is consensual.

 POE:  You mean that women will be able to refuse to have the procedure performed?

 MCDONNELL:  Exactly.  The procedure will be performed only on women who want it.

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 POE: That means the law is dead. No woman will consent to a sexually invasive procedure that has no medical benefit.

 MCDONNELL:  Not necessarily.  There are a lot of freaky women out there. And, as you surely know, women aren’t all that bright.  I mean, look at the facts – we got a woman to introduce House Bill 462. Most women aren’t even going to know what a transvaginal ultrasound is.  So when someone asks them, “hey, darlin’ how would you like a free transvaginal ultrasound?”  I bet 99.9% of the time the woman will say yes, and embarrassment alone will prevent her from saying no once the procedure starts.  Heck, we’re thinking of legally changing the name of the procedure to “personality test” or “pedicure.”  Heck, they got their feet up anyway. Maybe they’ll think they’re gonna get their toe nails polished.

POE:  Why don’t you just buy them dinner afterwards?

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MCDONNELL:  Hey! That’s a great idea!

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POE:  No.   It isn’t.  It isn’t a good idea. Like House Bill 462, it is a very bad idea.

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“Hello, darlin’, would you like to take a free personality test or have a free pedicure?”

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MCDONNELL:  You worry too much. Look, if things for the good old boys get too hot, if the public outcry gets too loud, we can always withdraw the bill all together.

 POE: You think that will end this?

 MCDONNELL:  I’m sure of it. Because Americans have short attention spans, short memories and are, more or less, morons – especially in Virginia. God Bless illiteracy and generational poverty.  Look – I am clearly a fascist misogynistic ultra right wing sadist. Most of the men in the Virginia legislature are, too.  We don’t try to hide it.  It is a lifestyle choice. We like it when women feel pain.  They deserve it.  Heck, they want it.

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MCDONNELL: They need to be punished, first, for seducing Adam into eating the Apple of Knowledge and then later for learning to read and agitating for the right to vote and getting jobs outside of the home, which is against the Laws of God.  We’ll just tell the stupid woman who introduced House Bill 462 to withdraw it, she will do what she’s told, and, with enough time, all of this will blow over. And we can try it again when no one is looking.  We know what kind of Virginia we want. We know what kind of America we want. We want to be able to have all the sex we want without any risk of pregnancy because we can afford to buy birth control, but we want to make sure that poor people can’t because we like hurting them. Fun is for us. Suffering is for everyone else. We know how women should think and behave. And we are going to get it all because we are in charge.

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Update at 3:30 p.m. ET: Governor McDonnell said he would sign House Bill 462, The Washington Post reports.

 

Update at 4:19 p.m. ET: The Virginia House of Delegates has approved a substitute bill that would not fordce women to undergo the invasive transvaginal ultrasound before getting an abortion, the Richmond Times-Dispatch reports.  Women could choose to have the transvaginal procedure.  The vote in the Republican-controlled House was 65-32.

 

Update at 5:45 p.m. ET: Virginia State Senator Jill Holtzman Vogel – the Republican senator who sponsored House Bill 462 – now says she plans to withdraw the bill, according to news reports.

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POSTSCRIPT

This isn’t over.  House Bill 462 is a potent symbol of what has gone wrong with the Republican Party, and it will resonate for years to come.  And it’s true. The GOP is being “occupied” by political and religious fanatics who are so outside the American mainstream that it is hilarious, but isn’t funny.

They’ve alienated African Americans. They’ve alienated Hispanics. They’ve alienated homosexuals. And now they’ve alienated women as a class. Even those women, and men, who are pro life are horrified that House Bill 462 was even attempted.  These kooks have alienated the vast middle of America. And that means it is over for the GOP.

And the gaggle of clowns the GOP has thrust in our faces as an alternative to Obama have drifted away from the message of the economy and smaller government. Instead, they are fighting the culture wars again, focusing on social issues like birth control when jobs are all that should matter.  This is a strong sign that even they know they cannot win and are simply pandering to the republican “base” so they can have influence after they lose and make money like Sarah Palin did.

Obama is going to be reelected. Nothing can stop that now. The alternative is simply to horrible to contemplate.  And when that happens, the GOP will fragment into smaller parties that fight with each other for the power to go into people’s homes and tell them how to live their personal lives.

Our hope for smaller government is dead.  And rightly so.  We didn’t provide the American people with a coherent, acceptable alternative.

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Married to the Sea

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Science, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson, سياسة policy on February 16, 2012 by paulboylan

For the second time, Married to the Sea/is my website of the week.

Married to the Sea/takes public domain drawings and cartoons and pairs them with funny captions.  This is the most recent one they’ve posted:

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Click on Image to Enlarge

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Married to the Sea/features a new drawing every day and has a large archive of past posting.  I highly recommend it to you.

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الأمريكي العظمة 你应该很害怕。Mach dir keine Vorwürfe Europa.

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Barry Goldwater, buffo, Captain America, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, lächerlich, Mordor, neşeli, смешной, Politics, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on February 6, 2012 by paulboylan

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[In this frankly fictitious interview, Mitt Romney talks about his campaign for the presidency of the United States]

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Let’s start with the recent controversy where you said you weren’t concerned about the very poor because they have a safety net.

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MITT ROMNEY:  No, that isn’t what I said. What I said was that I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.

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POE:  I stand corrected.

ROMNEY:  And I went on to say that if the net needs fixing that I would fix it.

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POE:  How would you fix it?

ROMNEY:  By cutting social services and taxing the poor.

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POE:  That sounds like it would make it even more difficult to be poor.

ROMNEY: Exactly!  Really poor people have two problems. First, they are lazy. And second, it is easy to be poor because they get free things like health care and welfare.  So why would they work? Would you work if you were paid to stay at home?  Of course you wouldn’t.  So we need to make it more difficult to be poor, which means cutting them off from free health care and free food.

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POE:  So if it is a choice between working and starving, poor people will get jobs and work?

ROMNEY:  Yes!  Exactly!

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POE:  But millions of Americans are out of work and looking for work.  If they can’t find jobs, where are the jobs going to come from to employ the poor?

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ROMNEY: Well, my plan is comprehensive.  At the same time I am increasing taxes on the poor I am decreasing taxes on rich people.

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POE:  I don’t see how that helps.

ROMNEY: Rich people are job creators!  The richer they are the more jobs they create!

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POE:  And the middle class?

ROMNEY:  As I said, I am not concerned with the very poor; they have a safety net. And I’m not concerned with the very rich. They are just fine.

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ROMNEY:  I am concerned about the middle class.  We need to protect the American middle class.

POE:  Why?

ROMNEY:  Because they pay all the taxes used to run the country.  The poor don’t do it.  Under my plan they will pay more, but it really won’t add up to much because they don’t have much to begin with.  And the rich have used their wealth to buy political influence to make sure that they really don’t pay any tax either.  So we need the middle class to pay for everything. Like the bailout for the banks. Middle class money was taken to pay the debts of rich people so they could get even richer. Isn’t that great?

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POE: Why do you think you will beat Obama in the general election?

ROMNEY:  Because he is a failed president.  His policies have failed.  Unemployment is high. He hasn’t created any jobs.

POE:  The unemployment rate recently dropped because jobs were created.

ROMNEY:  That may be true, but that success really hurts Obama because it makes people say “hey, why did it take you so long to fix everything?”

POE:  So good news is bad news?

ROMNEY: Exactly.

POE: So black is white?

ROMNEY: It sure is.

POE:  So Obama is black, but he’s really white, and everyone who hates him really loves him?

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ROMNEY:  Yes.  Wait.  No, that’s not what I meant.  The people who hate Obama don’t hate him because he is black. They hate him because of his policies.

POE:  So race will have nothing to do with the choice between you and Obama.

ROMNEY:  Absolutely not.  My campaign will not pander to racists.

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POE:  Let’s take a look at an email circulating that has been traced back to conservative voters who support your candidacy. It includes a photo referred to as the “spook pic” showing all of the American presidents, with Obama depicted as two wide eyes staring out.

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ROMNEY: What’s wrong with that? Those people are awfully hard to see in the dark.

POE:  You don’t think there is anything racist about it?

ROMNEY:  Oh my heavens, no.

POE:  Okay, let’s look at something else. Here is another email traced back to your supporters:

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Click on image to enlarge.

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ROMNEY:  That’s exactly what I was talking about.  The person who sent that email is criticizing Obama’s stimulus package.  This is criticism of Obama’s failed policies.

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POE:  What about the references to fried chicken, prayer rugs, corn bread and Spanish?  You don’t see anything racist in any of that?

ROMNEY:  That’s not the message I got.  Gosh, you sound like you are obsessed with finding racism where there isn’t any. Maybe this is a problem you have, not my supporters.

POE:  There is a joke at least 80 years old that goes like this: “Why don’t niggers take aspirin? Because they have to pick cotton to get them, and because aspirin are white, and they work.”  What do you think about that joke, Governor?

ROMNEY:  It is deplorable and you should be ashamed for repeating it.  If that joke was ever told it certainly isn’t told anymore.

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ROMNEY: The American people are fair and free of racism. They elected a black president.  We are a great people who have moved beyond the legacy of slavery.

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POE:  Really? Here is another email, very recent, circulating on the internet traced back to your supporters:

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Click on image to enlarge.


ROMNEY:  I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.

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Romney said this in January 2012

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POE: What??

ROMNEY:  Did I mention how much I love this country? Can you sing that song? I love that song. Do you know that song?

POE: What song??

ROMNEY: Oh beautiful/ for spacious skies/for amber waves of grain…  Sing it with me, Paul.  You know the words. For purple mountains majesty…

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Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Get a job, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, News, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Orcs, Paying Attention, People who suffer from abject pretension, Politics, Pop Culture, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 21, 2012 by paulboylan

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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HEADLINE – Doctor dies in chimney

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Astronomy, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, IN MEMORIAM, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Life, News, neşeli, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Weird Stuff, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on September 1, 2010 by paulboylan

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Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. – A doctor involved in an “on-again, off-again” relationship apparently tried to force her way into her boyfriend’s home by sliding down the chimney, police said Tuesday. Her decomposing body was found there three days later.

Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac, 49, first tried to get into the house with a shovel, then climbed a ladder to the roof last Wednesday night, removed the chimney cap and slid feet first down the flue, Bakersfield police Sgt. Mary DeGeare said.

It was a good plan, and might have worked, but Dr. Kotarac apparently forgot that, when she became a physician, she lost the powers of Santa Claus,” DeGeare said. “The same thing happens to lawyers, accountants and professional writers.”

Source:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100901/ap_on_re_us/us_woman_in_chimney;_ylt=AtbQBQyyKtOwWcjgF.pksXGs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFpZWZrdGI2BHBvcwMzOARzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX21vc3RfcG9wdWxhcgRzbGsDY29wc2NhbGlmZG9j

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MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

Posted in amusant, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, пицца, greannmhar, Isnt nature wonderful?, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон scarlett johansson, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Wrath of God, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽 on February 4, 2010 by paulboylan

It has been a while since I’ve posted anything in this blog. Due to national security concerns – and because witches might be watching – I can’t tell you where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing, but I can tell you that I’ve been fighting the Liberal Menace, and by that I mean my gay next door neighbor, Ted.

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My gay neighbor, Ted, and his special "friend" Glenn.

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And by fighting I mean avoiding him at all costs and calling the police every time he has a party and complaining about the noise even when there is no noise.  Although the police no longer respond to my complaints, and I’ve been warned – and I quote – to “cut it out or Mr. Friedman [that’s Ted] will press charges,” I remain ever vigilant in my quest to utilize any and all means to oppose what I call “the Gay Tide” – and by “Gay Tide” I mean the swelling, undulating wave of liberalism penetrating our country and threatening the very fabric of the American way of life.

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In other words, my gay neighbor, Ted.

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But I digress. It is a new year and the beginning of a new decade. I feel confident in my impression that, as each of you greeted this New Year, you wondered “what are Paul Boylan’s New Years Resolutions?”

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Ordinarily I don’t resolve anything when a new year starts.  It seems silly to make promises that either can’t or won’t be kept. It is so dishonest that it is un-Christian. Celebrating the New Year is really a pagan tradition founded by devil worshipers who glorified the “solstice” or something like that.  It is just like Satan to create a holiday where people get drunk and make promises they can’t keep.

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So this year I decided to defy the Dark Lord and make resolutions that I CAN keep. Here are a few of them:

1.  Destroy my gay neighbor, Ted.

Since my local police department has clearly been infiltrated by homosexual sympathizers – or worse, by vegan vegetarians – and, consequently, is unwilling to do anything about my gay neighbor – who is, by the way, filthy – I’ve decided to take a more direct approach.  I will go door to door and speak to all of my other neighbors and explain why we must all shun Ted.  If we shun him, he will have no choice but to either stop being gay or move away. Either result will satisfy me.


2. Run over fewer cats with my car.

In 2009 I ran over way too many cats, causing expensive damage to my car.

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Please do not judge me callous or uncaring because I mention cost as my first reason for resolving to kill fewer cats.  Even if I could run down cats cost-free, I would still resolve to do it less because I am quite fond of cats.

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But other animals that are not cats – such as dogs, squirrels, raccoons, possums, wild hogs, ducks, geese, turkeys, quail, pheasants, pigeons, crows, egrets, blue herons, deer, elk, snakes and/or emus – had better get out of my way.

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If I have to stop and wait for every dog, squirrel, raccoon, possum, wild hog, duck, goose, turkey, quail, pheasant, pigeon, crow, egret, blue heron, deer, elk snake, emu and baby seal to stroll across the road on their little legs or flippers, then I wouldn’t ever get anywhere and I might as well walk.

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3.  Ask more often “What would Jesus do?”

I take great pride in my sense of self-honesty, which is eclipsed only by my humility.  As I’ve said and written many times and say again right here right now without the risk of hyperbole, I am possibly the most humble man who ever lived.  But, in all humility, my sense of self-honesty compels me to admit that I could be a better Christian.  And central to being a good Christian is asking the question “What would Jesus do?” when confronted by problems.

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For example, I intend to ask myself the following questions during 2010:

What would Jesus do to stop Socialists form taking over America and taxing the wealthy so that poor people can get medical care?

If Jesus stands for anything, he stands for low taxes, property rights, helping working homeowners and punishing lazy poor people – like he did in Haiti.  I am fairly sure Jesus would not want poor people to have free medical care.

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What would Jesus do about the Negro problem?

You know what I’m talking about.

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Who would believe that American voters would choose Obama because McCain picked Palin as his running mate?  Since when did stupidity matter more than race? It’s downright un-American.

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And now we have a black Miss America (again). Doesn’t the Miss America Pageant know that picking a black Miss America will only encourage those people?

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I can’t figure it out, so I think I need to ask what Jesus would do about it.

Well, that’s it for now. My wife is reading over my shoulder and just told me that I am going to Hell.

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I need to take some time and explain to her why God would never do that to me. But what I really need to do is ask “What would Jesus do about a wife like this?”

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