Archive for the Australia Category

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PROFESSOR X BOYLAN

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Australia, Early-onset dementia, Fiction, Geopolitical Insults, Hapax Legomenon, Horrible Coincidences, It's not what you think, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, بشار الاسد, سكارليت جوهانسون on June 7, 2015 by paulboylan

CATS FLOATING

 

John Birmingham is a prolific writer who’s most recent three novels – Emergence, Resistance and Ascendance – tell the story of how an oil drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico drills so deep that it accidentally breaks the “cap stone” separating our world from a demon hoard that once ruled the earth and used people for food.  They plan on reconquering the surface world only to discover that humans aren’t the timid, frightened “cattle” they were thousands of years ago, but have evolved from helpless savages into a global technological civilization with weapons that seem like magic to the invading demons.

 

kill dragon

 

And the demon hoard didn’t count on Dave Hooper, an oil rig worker, becoming the demon-killing champion of Humankind.

 

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Dave Hooper carrying Lucille.

 

Professor X. Boylan  is a fictional character depicted in Resistance, the second novel in the series.

 

Resistance

Resistance

 

We were fortunate enough to locate and interview Paul Nicholas Boylan, the real life basis for the fictional character.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Welcome Mr. Boylan.  Thank you for coming here today.

PAUL NICHOLAS BOYLAN: No problem, Chief.

POE: We here at People of Earth are big fans of John Birmingham’s novels and we feel his most recent  “technology v. magic” Dave Hooper novels are possibly the best Birmingham has written.

PNB:  Yeah, that’s what people are telling me.

POE:  You haven’t read these books yet?

PNB:  I’m waiting for the graphic novel adaptations to come out.

POE:  Why?

PNB:  ‘Cause I like comic books.

 

LostInSpaceAnnuals

POE:  Aren’t you at all curious about Professor X. Boylan, the character you inspired?

PNB:  Let me explain somethin’ here, Chief. It is sort of my policy, if you will, to not read any of the books that have characters based on yours truly.

POE:  Why not?

PNB: I got my reasons.

POE:  Are there other characters based on you?

PNB:  Yeah.  I’m sort of like a “muse” if you know what I mean.

POE:  What other authors have you inspired?

PNB:  Dean Koonz put me in Odd Thomas and that grenade launcher put me in Fifty Shades of Grey.

POE:  Which characters?

PNB:  I’m not sure but I’m told I’m in there.

POE:  I haven’t read either of those books –

PNB:  Me neither.

POE: – but let’s compare Professor X. Boylan to the real you.

PNB: Knock yourself out, Chief.

POE:  To start out with, this is you.

pnb shades
Paul Nicholas Boylan

PNB:  Hey, thanks for not using one of my mug shots.

POE:  And this is what Professor X. Boylan is supposed to look like.

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Professor X. Boylan

PNB:  I got no complaints.

POE:  Nellie over at  onebooktwo.wordpress.com reviewed Resistance and said

Professor X Boylan, attorney at law, is an interesting character.  He’s obviously brilliant, but he’s also an attorney, which makes him a wordsmith.  He is very funny without meaning to be funny.

PNB: Funny?

POE:  Oh yes. Hilarious.  Nellie, also at onebooktwo.wordpress.com, wrote “Boylan make great comic relief.”

PNB: What the fuck does that mean?

POE:  It means the character based on you is funny.

PNB: What do you mean I’m funny?

POE: It’s funny, you know. Your character is a funny guy.

PNB: Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it?

POE: Just, you know, you character is funny.

PNB: Let me understand this, ’cause, ya know maybe it’s me, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown?

 

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POE:  No, not like a clown –

PNB: I amuse you? I make you laugh? What do you mean funny? How am I funny?

POE: Just… you know, your character –

PNB: No, no, I don’t know.  You said I’m funny. How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what’s funny.

Disgruntled Republican

POE:  Nothing. Nothing is funny about you at all, and I apologize for implying anything at all that you find objectionable.  Truth be told, you are actually more similar to Joe Pesci’s character, Tommy, in the movie Goodfellas.

PNB:  Nope. Much as I’d like to, I can’t take credit for that. Nick and Marty came up with that all on their own.

POE:  Well, that’s a fucking relief.

 

people of earth

DISAPPOINTED WITH THE SYDNEY MORNING HERALD

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Artists Rights, Australia, Captain America, fairness, Geopolitical Insults, greannmhar, kluchtig, lächerlich, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, Travel, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on February 16, 2014 by paulboylan

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disgruntled seppo

This is me, disappointed with the Sydney Morning Herald. My disappointment looks a lot like a terrible, preternatural anger, doesn’t it?

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People of Earth, I am deeply disappointed with the Sydney Morning Herald.  Allow me to explain why.

As some of my regular visitors know, I feel a strange affinity for Australia and the exceptional people I’ve met there.

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Brisbane 1

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Brisbane 3

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M and S

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melbourne 5

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Melborune 4

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Sunshine Coast Crowd

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Sourced

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R

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Melbourne 4

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 I have special affection for Sydney.

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Sydney

View from the Rocks

Ouside the Sydney Opera House

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View from the Rathouse

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Hot sell the good taste

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stunning dycotomy

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Warrior Princesses

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You can imagine my delight when I received this email invitation:

Herald Invite

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The Herald explained what they wanted as follows:

The Sydney Morning Herald is challenging you to help us tackle the prevalence of alcohol-related violence and anti-social behavior in Sydney.

Put your ideas to work and create a 30 second video ad or an A4 poster for our Safer Sydney campaign. Your ad should speak to those heading out for the night, especially young men. The winning entry will receive $2,500 as well as being featured across The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper, online and tablet editions.

How could I resist such an invitation?  I myself am guilty of perpetrating alcohol-related anti-social behavior with the very worst hooligans and yobbos Sydney has to offer.

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Sydney Hooligans

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Sydney Yobbos

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The worst of the lot

So I was delighted to have received a request from the Sydney Morning Herald to use my many creative talents to help the good people of Sydney to improve their quality of life.  I snapped into action and put this poster together:

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Stay Classy, Sydney

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I felt fairly pleased with my effort.  It was pithy and to the point. It directly spoke to those headed out for the night, especially young men – who are always primarily interested in impressing the ladies with the hope of persuading them to engage in sexual congress.  I felt my poster was a sure fire winner.

Then I read the contest rules:

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

General Terms
1. Information on how to enter forms part of the terms of entry. Entry into the competition is deemed acceptance of these terms and conditions by the entrant (referred to as entrant or you in these terms and conditions).

2. The Promotion is a game of skill, and chance plays no part in determining the winners.

3. Entry is open to residents of Australia only.

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WTF???

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The boy who has talked to us said, ‘We were bored.”

Posted in American Decline, Australia, Brave New World, Grim Fairy Tales, Mordor, pandemic on August 21, 2013 by paulboylan

The boy who has talked to us said, ‘We were bored and didn’t have anything to do, so we decided to kill somebody,'” say police about the brutal murder of a collegiate baseball player in Oklahoma.

I feel the need to apologize for this.   I am more than horrified; I am ashamed.  I know so many people who are afraid to come and visit my country.  They think Americans are armed sociopaths.  They fear that, if they walk our streets – my streets – that someone could be watching them, could plot and carry out their murder.

Exactly what happened to Christopher Lane.

His father said “To try to understand it is a short way to insanity.”

I wish I didn’t understand it.  I wish what happened to Christopher is so unthinkable that one would risk insanity to contemplate it.  But I know those young murderers.  I understand them and why they decided to kill another human being to alleviate their boredom.  I think they are everywhere around me.  I know what created them – the poor parenting, the negligent and intentionally substandard schooling.  I know a culture of violence, a culture that discourages empathy and sympathy – the very qualities that make premeditated murder unlikely. I know that the fifteen year old boy who killed  Christopher used a gun, and if that boy did not have a gun, Christopher would be alive.

I don’t know what to say other than that I am sorry for all of this and horrified that I am helpless to do anything to fix what is broken.

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HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Australia, Barry Goldwater, Bigotry in America, Dogs, Evil Smiley Face, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, Money and Power, Mordor, News, pandemic, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 16, 2012 by paulboylan

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DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.'”

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Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.'”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

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“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

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Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

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Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

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Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

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Ron Severstone

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“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

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Singing Pigs (and a piece of singing bacon)

Posted in Australia, bacon, Food, Our animal friends, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Tornadoes hit Birmingham

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Australia, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Globalization, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, Kansas City, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mysterious Mysteries, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые scientists, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, Travel, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 23, 2012 by paulboylan

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BRISBANE, Australia – A series of tornadoes have hit local author and radio personality John Birmingham, causing minor injury.

“This is perfectly normal for this time of year,” said Nick Perriam, Director of the University of Queensland Meteorological Institute in Sydney. “Every January inclement weather sneaks up on and thumps authors as far south as Melbourne, especially those writers demonstrating a history of meteorological defamation,” Perriam explained.

Birmingham went afoul of the elements when he described bad global weather conditions in Without Warning, a novel based in a world where a mysterious force kills virtually all American citizens.

“Bloody weather,” Birmingham complained from the relative safety of his front porch.

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Depicts terrible weather conditions.

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BEYOND THE GRAVE – Interview with Ned Kelly

Posted in Australia, おかしなふるまいの, Celebrity, Cinema, Cowboys and Aliens, Crime and Punishment, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, пицца, good guys and bad guys, greannmhar, IN MEMORIAM, 재미, kluchtig, lächerlich, скарлетт йоханссон scarlett johansson, Review, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, Uncategorized, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 14, 2012 by paulboylan

Famed “Bush Ranger” Ned Kelly returns from the dead to participate in a frankly fictitious interview where he reveals the issues he cares about most.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Mr. Kelly –

NED KELLY:  Call me Ned, cobber.

POE: Okay. Ned. It is a true pleasure and a real thrill to be speaking with you today.  I don’t mind saying that you are one of my all time biggest heroes.

KELLY: (Laughs, phlegm rattling in his bronchia, followed by a small cough) Hero? You don’t know anything about me, do you?

POE:  Actually, I know quite a lot about your life.

KELLY: Don’t come the raw prawn with me. You ain’t even Australian.

POE:  True, but I’ve spent time drinking heavily with Australians.

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KELLY: Oh, okay, that explains it, then.

POE:   Ned, on 28 June 1880, in Glenrowan –

KELLY:  I don’t want to talk about that.

POE:  What? What else is there to talk about?  That’s when –

KELLY:  I know what happened. I don’t want to talk about it.

POE: But the shoot out, the armour you made and wore, it is legendary.

POE: It was possibly the most important moment of your –

KELLY:  Yeah, yeah. I’m sick and tired of hearing about it and I don’t want to discuss it.

POE:  Well, then what do you want to talk about?

KELLY:  I want to talk about the film.

POE:  What film?

KELLY: The one with Mick Jagger.

Mick Jager

POE: Ah… eh… what?

KELLY: I want to talk about that awful film where Mick Jagger played me.

POE:  What about it?

KELLY:  Awful film. Jagger was terrible.

POE:  Yeah, okay, so?

KELLY:  Jagger was nothing like me.

KELLY:  Know what I want? I want that movie made again, with a different cast.

POE:  Do you have anyone in mind?

KELLY:  As a matter of fact, I do. I want Daniel Craig to play the role of Ned Kelly.

POE:  Daniel Craig?

KELLY:  Or Johnny Depp.

POE:  Johnny Depp?

KELLY:  Yeah. Did you see him in Ed Wood?  Incredible performance.  Me and my mates were shocked he wasn’t nominated for the Academy Award. Fucking tour de force.

POE:  Mr. Kelly –

KELLY: Or a Golden Globe, although, between you and me, I suspect that show isn’t really on the up and up.  I think the fix is in, if you know what I mean.

POE:  Thank you so much for –

KELLY:  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ricky Gervais.  That munter is comedy gold, he is.

POE:  I thank Ned Kelly for spending quality time with us.

KELLY:  That was quality time?

POE:  Next time, my guest will be Mary Watson, and I will finally get to ask her what animal she would be if she could be any animal at all.

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