Archive for the Barry Goldwater Category

HEADLINE: TRUMP ADMITS HE IS A “LOSER” – PLANS NEW BLACK VOTE STRATEGY

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, Bigotry in America, Captain America, Crazy People, Donald Trump, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Money and Power, Mordor, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Occupy Mordor, Politics, presidential candidate, Putin on the Ritz, Pycho-Social Trauma, Russia, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, פיצה, سياسة policy with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2016 by paulboylan

I'm a Loser with Low Ratings

MUNCIE, Indiana – In a speech delivered at a neo-Nazi bake sale today in West Virginia, Donald Trump openly and frankly acknowledged that he is losing to Hillary Clinton in the race for the White House.

“People are saying that I am a pathetic loser with low ratings,” Trump painfully admitted as he bit into a cupcake.

 

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“I’m not saying this,” Trump continued. “People are saying it.”

 

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 “They could be right, they could be wrong. Who knows? I don’t know. People are saying this, not me,” said Trump.

Trumps admissions of “low ratings” is apparently a reference to all polls showing Trump far behind Hillary Clinton in the electoral votes needed to win in November and Trumps reference to “people” appears to be the opinions of his own election staff.

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“The Orange God is losing big time,” said Trump campaign official Trip Henderson on the condition of anonymity.

 

Trip Henderson

Trip Henderson

“He is losing with the coons. He is losing with women, even the ones who aren’t lesbos or bitches.”

Not voting for Trump

Not Voting for Trump

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“He is losing with wetbacks, even the ones who aren’t criminals and rapists. He is losing with fags and queers, even the ones who don’t dress and talk funny. He is losing with Jews, even the good ones. He is losing with the gooks, even the ones that know how to drive. He is barely winning with whites when all of them should be supporting him because Trump is a member of their race,” said Henderson. “Frankly, I’ve sent my resume to the Aryan Nation, the KKK and the American Nazi Party and hope there is a job opening available in Idaho, Oklahoma, Alabama or West Virginia.”

 

Northwest Front

 

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Not all of those in Trump’s inner circle have given up hope. “The polls aren’t telling the truth,” said Trump’s new campaign manager and paranoid schizophrenic, Kellyanne Conway.

 

Conway

Kellyanne Conway

“Donald Trump performs consistently better in online polling where a human being is not talking to another human being about what he or she may do in the elections … it’s become socially desirable, especially if you’re a college educated person in the US, to say that you’re against Donald Trump,” said Conway.

Conway believes that millions upon millions of Americans are secretly racist, misogynistic homophobes who lie to anonymous pollsters on the phone when they say they hate Trump.

 

Trump Supporters

Trump Supporter 2

 

“The voices in my head assure me that these lying liars will vote for Trump in November,” said Conway as she used copious amounts of hand sanitizer to “keep the bugs away.”

 

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“The “undercover” Trump voter is an example of irrational magical thinking,” said Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Director of the Institute of Political Analysis. “To win the election, Trump needs to convince minority voters who despise him to vote for him. He cannot win without their support,” said Schnurstein.

 

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Trump plans to do just that. “My Lord and Master, Donald Trump the First, has a plan for wooing black voters that is sure fire,” said Donald Trump protégé Omarosa Manigault, who appears to be African-American.

 

Omarosa

Omarosa Manigault

“He will win black voters the same way he won white voters – by inflaming race hatred,”Manigault said before revealing the word “Trump” branded on her posterior. “This means he owns me,” Manigault explained.”

According to Manigault, Trump’s strategy for winning over black voters is to encourage their hatred for white people, especially what Trump refers to as “white trash.”

 

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“Those who inhabit the White underclass are despicable,” said Trump spokesperson Leroy Jefferson. “They are uneducated, unemployed, pathologically violent, lazy welfare cheats with no sense of rhythm living in ghettos called “trailer parks” who are taking jobs away from the blacks.”

 

white race too

 

“We need to build a wall around Idaho, Oklahoma, Alabama and West Virginia until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” said Jefferson.

“And they can’t jump,” Jefferson added. “And they can’t spell.”

 

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Despite these plans, Trump himself appears to be unconvinced of his chances against Hillary Clinton in November.

“I am hearing people on the internets saying that I am a pathetic loser with low ratings. Believe me,” said Trump at a recent rally in Lincoln, Nebraska.

 

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Trump in Nebraska doing his famous “Mexican Ferret” impression.

“They are saying that I flip flopped on my plan to deport all illegal immigrants. I’m not saying this. People are saying it. Who knows? I haven’t denied it. Why haven’t I denied it? Do I have something to hide? I don’t know if I do. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I do. But reliable sources looking into this can’t believe what they are seeing. Believe me. They say my tax returns show I am a bad businessman, a billion dollars in debt, that I donated to NAMBLA – the North American Man/Boy Love Association – believe me, that’s what NAMBLA means. That’s what it means. And that I went on an all-male cruise with Vladimir Putin using money I collected for veterans.”

 

trump putin horse

 

“If I did that’s fine. It’s fine. It’s okay. I don’t know. But if I didn’t then I should deny it. And if I don’t deny it then that means I did it. Okay?”

 

trump putin

 

Reliable sources confirm that Trump will also attempt to win the Irish vote by promising that everyone named “Cromwell” will be deported.  The same sources say Trump plans on appealing to Jewish voters by attacking “stupid goyum buying furniture from a catalogue.”

 

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End

 

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people of earth

 

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Disgruntled Republican

 

Another perfect day! 1

 

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HEADLINE – ROMNEY STEALS COLBERT’S ‘BETTER TOMORROW, TOMORROW’ JOKE

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, buffo, Early-onset dementia, Headline, Headlines, kluchtig, lächerlich, Money and Power, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, Politics, presidential candidate, Stupid People, The Wrath of God, سكارليت جوهانسون on November 6, 2012 by paulboylan

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SANFORD, Fla. – Mitt Romney’s final event in the Sunshine State struck an optimistic tone when he told a white, uneducated crowd of supporters – 90 percent of which are unemployed and have no health insurance – that a “better tomorrow, tomorrow” awaits them.

The enthusiam of the crowd — which chanted “kill the niggers and jews!” — appeared to energize Romney, as he took a detour from his prepared remarks.

“Tomorrow, we begin a new tomorrow,” he said. “We can begin a better tomorrow tomorrow, and with the help of the people in Florida, that’s exactly what’s going to happen tomorrow.”

“Mitt likes the word ‘tomorrow,'” explained Trip Tripperson, a Romney campaign aide. Tripperson immediately added that Romney is a big fan of the broadway musical Annie.

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“That’s my joke, and he stole it,” complained Steven Colbert, a late night comedian, who’s parody super pac has the slogan “Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”

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“‘Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow’ summarizes the stupidity of the American political process,” Colbert said. “It is the perfect satire of vapid, meaningless political slogans.  How can I continue using that as the slogan for my parody super pac if it becomes an actual vapid, meaningless political slogan said as part of Romney’s attempt to fool people into voting for him?”

“This is a theft of intellectual property, that’s what it is,” Colbert continued. “Romney has diluted my trademarked joke by using it as an actual slogan, hoping to persuade stupid people to vote for him.  He has drained all of the value out of what was a very clever and funny – and very trademarked – joke.”

“Comedy Central’s attorneys will be contacting Romney’s attorneys,” Colbert concluded.

Comedy Central is the cable network that produces and airs the Colbert Report, a satirical parody of conservative pundits like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.

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IS BROWN FACE AS OFFENSIVE AS BLACK FACE?

Posted in American Decline, amusant, Barry Goldwater, bilim adamları, buffo, Fashion Forward, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار on September 20, 2012 by paulboylan

Mitt Romney recently appeared on Univision – a Spanish language television station – in an attempt to appeal to latino voters. hPeople noticed something differentsabout how Romney looked before the Univision appearance and during.  See if you notice any difference:

Romney on September 16, 2012:

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Romney on September 17, 2012:

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Romney on September 18, 2012:

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Romney on September 19, 2012, appearing on Univision:

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I think Romney was drawing inspiration from former Mexican President Vincente Fox.

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“Mi pene es este ancho.”

The person who convinced Romney to rock the soul patch has a lot to answer for.

HEADLINE – DEMOCRATS ACT TO SUPPRESS CONSERVATIVE VOTERS

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, Kansas City, kluchtig, Michele Bachmann, News, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, مصارعه, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, بشار الاسد, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on September 17, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE –  To counter Republican efforts to prevent poor people, minorities and women – groups that traditionally vote for democrats – from voting, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has embarked on a campaign to prevent stupid people from voting.

“Smart voters will never, ever vote for Republican candidates,” former GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorumisaid recently.m

“Stupid voters are the bedrock of Romney’s re-election effort,” Santorum continued.  “Stupid people traditionally vote Republican,” Santorum said. “If they have a college education or read for pleasure you can be sure they aren’t going to vote for Romney.”

Mitt Romney’s campaign has spend millions of dollars in an effort to appeal to Birthers, knee-jerk jingoistic patriots, NASCAR enthusiasts, anti-abortion fanatics, proud morbidly obese Type 2 diabetics who don’t have or want health insurancei even Snooki fans.I

 “We are currently negotiating to get an endorsement from the Octomom,” said an anonymous Romney campaign strategist. “If we can appeal to stupid voters while simultaneously suppressing the poor/minority/woman vote then we should be able to win this thing in November,” the Romney strategist said.

The DNC is fighting fire with fire. “If the Republicans try to prevent democrats from voting, then the DNC going to attempt to suppress the stupid vote,” said Trixie LaRue, a DNC spokesperson.

The plan is fairly simple:  the DNC will set up fake polling places/voting areas on election day with signs outside that read:

“A smart person will read that sign, understand the warning and not vote at that location.  A stupid person, however – i.e., a likely Republican voter – will probably not read the small print, will be impressed by the bright colors, and go into the fake area to vote,” LaRue said.

And when they get into the fake voting booth, they will be given the following fake ballot:

“The average stupid voter will believe they voted for Romney/against Obama, feel pleased with the result, go home, and never realize they didn’t really vote,” LaRue said.

“Early fake voting” is scheduled to begin tomorrow in Mississippi, Texas, Missouri, Indiana, West Virgina and Arizona.

(FURTHER) CONFESSIONS OF A DISGRUNTLED REPUBLICAN

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Bigotry in America, GOP, Michele Bachmann Crazy, Newt Gingrich, Occupy Mordor, Politics, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God on September 12, 2012 by paulboylan

And you kids – get your dog off my lawn!.

I know I am shouting my dissatisfaction in the political wilderness.  Explaining (again) why I am so unhappy with the GOP isn’t going to provide me with a better Republican choice for president in the 2012 general election.

But I am going to do it anyway.

When McCain lost to Obama, I saw it, not as a defeat, but as a victory for conservative moderates.  McCain lost his bid to become president because he kissed the ass of the Right Wing lunatic fringe and selected Sarah Palin as his running mate.  He picked Sarah Palin to appease the vocal lunatic fringe on the right who refused to support McCain picked an inexperienced, intellectually challenged demagogic ideologue that fit into their sick and twisted world view, rejected education and science, and gave lip service to their false Christian values.

Moderate conservatives like me – the former bedrock of the Republican Party – looked at Palin, read the notes she wrote on her hand to prepare for a debate, evaluated the odds of McCain’s poor health failing him under the pressure of the presidency – leaving Palin as President – and reluctantly decided to vote for Obama.  Any chance of Palin becoming President because McCain died in office was simply unthinkable and too horrible to contemplate.

It was our votes that made Obama president.  We did so hoping for two things: we hoped that McCain’s loss would prompt the GOP to reform itself, shrug off the right wing lunatic fringe like a dog shakes off a bad case of fleas, and provide the American people with a viable presidential and vice presidential candidate for 2012 that reflected the traditional Republican values of integrity and honesty.

That didn’t happen.  Instead of rejecting the lunacy that caused McCain to pick Palin,  the lunatic fringe was allowed to virtually take over the GOP, while the very flawed GOP primary system gave us Mitt Romney as the best of an awful field of candidates (Newt Gringrich?  Michelle Bachmann?  Rick Perry?  Herman Cane???).  And Romney won because he outspent his moronic opponents and for no other reason.

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[Romney’s choice of Paul Ryan as running mate seemed, at first, to be a positive event.  Sure, it was done for the same reason McCain picked Palin – i.e., to kiss up to the GOP’s lunatic fringe – but he wasn’t stupid like Palin was, and that was a big difference.

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But it didn’t matter.  Within the first few weeks of his being chosen as Romney’s VP, Ryan revealed himself to be something of an idiot, and a dishonest one, too.  He was transformed from thoughtful young conservative to brain dead attack dog.]

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So the GOP has given me the choice of voting for Romney or allowing 4 more years of Obama.

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My problem is that I really, really don’t like Romney.  His primary strategy for winning against Obama tells us everything we need to know what kind of man he is and what kind of President he will be.  His strategy is based on cheating, deception and outright lies.

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He is blaming our current economic mess on Obama.  But every thinking American – or at least those with any kind of long term memory – knows that Obama inherited a mess so big that it almost took out the whole world.

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George W. Bush is not solely responsible for the crisis that happened during his second term.  The conditions that caused the disaster we are still deep within are the result of policies and inaction stretching back to the 1970’s.  But Bush’s decisions to cut taxes for the rich, to create brand new expensive unfunded entitlements for seniors, to pay for two wars with borrowed money and to do nothing to resolve the growing real estate and derivative bubbles – despite ample warning – were the straws that broke the world’s economic back.

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The point is that Romney’s attempt to criticize Obama’s failure to solve in four years what took over 40 years to happen is disingenuous and misleading.

Romney compounds this problem by avoiding talking about what he plans on doing to fix the problem that Obama didn’t or couldn’t.  And there is good reason for this: Romney plans on doing exactly what Bush did – the very tax, spending and regulation cutting policies that brought the crisis to full flower in the first place.

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If Romney succeeds in implementing his plans, he himself will save hundreds of thousands of dollars on his taxes – which are ridiculously low to begin with. And I don’t like that. 

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Romney is pinning his hopes for success on GOP state voter suppression efforts.  He is hoping that enough people who ordinarily vote for Obama won’t be allowed to vote because the republican controlled legislatures in swing states have passed laws making it more difficult for minorities and the poor to vote.

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This is victory through trickery, not through the battle of ideas.  It stinks and I don’t like it.

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I really hate Romney waffling all the time.  He will change his position any time he feels doing it will win him a few votes.

For example, throughout this election Romney has stated that on “day one” of his presidency he will repeal Obamacare. Period.  But it turns out Obamacare is popular. So Romney just announced that he won’t repeal all of Obamacare, just those parts he doesn’t like.  Then he had the audacity to claim that his obvious shift isn’t a change in his original position.  He thinks the American people are morons.

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But worst of all, Romney is willing to lie to win.  I won’t bore you with all the lies he has said, all of the deceptive statements obviously designed to mislead people into believing things that aren’t true.  I will give you only the most recent example.  A few hours ago from when I wrote these words, the American Ambassador to Lybia and three of his staff were murdered by a crowd upset with an American produced video insulting Islam (I’ve seen it; it is pretty horrible. It doesn’t excuse murder, but the film is really over the top insulting. People would riot if the same kind of movie was made about Jesus and Christianity).  In response to these murders, President Obama said:

I strongly condemn the outrageous attack on our diplomatic facility in Benghazi, which took the lives of four Americans, including Ambassador Chris Stevens. Right now, the American people have the families of those we lost in our thoughts and prayers. They exemplified America’s commitment to freedom, justice, and partnership with nations and people around the globe, and stand in stark contrast to those who callously took their lives.

I have directed my Administration to provide all necessary resources to support the security of our personnel in Libya, and to increase security at our diplomatic posts around the globe. While the United States rejects efforts to denigrate the religious beliefs of others, we must all unequivocally oppose the kind of senseless violence that took the lives of these public servants.

On a personal note, Chris was a courageous and exemplary representative of the United States. Throughout the Libyan revolution, he selflessly served our country and the Libyan people at our mission in Benghazi. As Ambassador in Tripoli, he has supported Libya’s transition to democracy. His legacy will endure wherever human beings reach for liberty and justice. I am profoundly grateful for his service to my Administration, and deeply saddened by this loss.

The brave Americans we lost represent the extraordinary service and sacrifices that our civilians make every day around the globe. As we stand united with their families, let us now redouble our own efforts to carry their work forward.

Here is what Romney said in response to the President’s statement:

 When our grounds are being attacked, and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation. And apology for America’s values is never the right course,he said, slamming the Obama administration for “sympathiz[ing] with those who waged the attacks.

 I think it’s a — a — a terrible course to — for America to — to stand in apology for our values. That instead, when our grounds are being attacked and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation.

An apology for America’s values is never the right course.

They clearly — they clearly sent mixed messages to the world and the statement that came from the administration and the embassy is the administration. The statement that came from the administration was — was a statement which is akin to apology and I think was a — a severe miscalculation.

But it’s also important for me, just as it was for the White House last night, by the way, to say that the statements were inappropriate, and in my — in my view, a — a disgraceful statement on the part of our administration to apologize for American values.

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Is he kidding?  Romney so utterly misrepresented what Obama said that it amounts to a lie.  The President’s statement didn’t apologize for American values. Romney is trying to feed into the whisper campaign that Obama is a muslim sympathizer, possibly a secret muslim himself, and that he apologizes for being American.  This is a calculated attempt to deceive the electorate in order to get a few votes.

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I really, really don’t like that about Romney – that he is willing to do anything, say anything to anyone to win.

And this is the man the GOP has placed on the ballot for me to vote for.  Not Chris Christie.  Not Tim Pawlenty.  Not Marco Rubio.  Not John Huntsman.

Out of all the people they could have chosen, they gave us Mitt Romney: a morally bankrupt rich guy, trying hard to hide just how rich he is, a bully and gay basher when he was a teenager, and willing to sell his soul to become President of the United States.

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DEAR CANADA: SORRY ABOUT ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Barry Goldwater, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, dada, Early-onset dementia, GOP, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, health care, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, photograph, Photography, Politics, Rage Against the Machine, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, urinary tract infections, USA! USA! USA!, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on June 29, 2012 by paulboylan

Dear Canada:

First of all, how is the weather?  Good I hope?  Global climate change is going to be really good for you.  As the U.S. heartland transforms into a vast desert, the wheat growing regions are moving north into Canada, making you into the bread basket of the world (like we used to be).  And don’t even get me started on how much money you are going to make when the Arctic Ocean ice cap melts, opening up direct shipping from Canada to Asia, not to mention the resources of the Arctic you will be well-positioned to exploit, like easy to get offshore oil and natural gas (you lucky stiffs!). I hear you already have plans to sell that oil to China, transporting it cheaply across the Arctic Ocean to Russia and then via pipeline or train to China. Hot damn (no pun intended)!

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And how is your population?  Growing?  Healthy?  Life expectancy better than your neighbors to the south?  Great.  Really good.

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I’m writing to apologize, in advance, for the mob of stupid people who are headed your way from the United States.  Here is what happened:  the United States Supreme Court has upheld President Obama’s attempt to create a national health care system like you have, like Europe has, and like the rest of the civilized world has.

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This has upset a lot of really stupid people.  They don’t want improved health care. In response to the Supreme Court’s decision, this group of really stupid people have vowed to leave the United States and emigrate to Canada.

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No. Seriously.  Seriously.  I’m not kidding.  I know I am a kidder, and we’ve shares some really good jokes, but this time I’m not joking. Look, here are some tweets from some of the stupid people headed your way:

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Yes, I know how funny that is. Yes, I know that Canada has a national health care system.  But I told you these are stupid people.  And they are on their way north to you.

THANK YOU, CANADA!

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Thank you for taking our idiots.

Consider it payback for Celine Dion, curling and that joke you call bacon.

Even though they are idiots, I think they are in for a big shock.

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Sincerely,

Paul

HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Australia, Barry Goldwater, Bigotry in America, Dogs, Evil Smiley Face, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, Money and Power, Mordor, News, pandemic, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 16, 2012 by paulboylan

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DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.'”

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Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.'”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

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“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

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Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

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Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

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Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

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Ron Severstone

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“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

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