Archive for the Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes Category

Possibly one of the best poems ever written.

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, 재미, αστείος, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه on March 9, 2012 by paulboylan

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O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.

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Source:  http://www.phantomranch.net/folkdanc/articles/hokeypokey.htm

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That's what it's all about.

THE SECRET TO MY EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY MARRIAGE

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, космическая девушка, пицца, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, gülen yüz, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), greannmhar, Humor, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Lord of the Rings Knock-Knock Jokes, love, neşeli, смешной, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده on January 26, 2012 by paulboylan

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Sex?  Sex is overrated.  Good sex is not the key to a successful and happy marriage.

Don’t get me wrong – sex is great.  Good sex is even better. And it is key.  But, in all honesty, by itself, it isn’t enough. I know plenty of guys great in bed who ended up alone.

The secret to my incredibly successful and happy marriage is the simple fact that, at least once a day, I make my wife laugh.

I don’t even pretend to understand it.  But, for some incredibly fucking mysterious reason, the tides of time and evolution have programmed women to want to be with men who make them laugh.

I think it has something to do with demonstrating that you “care.”  I don’t know what that means. Seriously.  I am, at rock bottom, an average guy. I have no idea what women want or need, especially when it comes to “caring” – which seems so important to women, but is so alien to men.

But, in order to make a woman laugh, you have to really, really, understand her. You have to know exactly those aspects of her personality and psyche that trigger a belly laugh. Preferably an uncontrollable belly laugh.  Yes. That is the best.  When your woman experiences an uncontrollable belly laugh that you engendered it is an amazing event, a magical moment, and it ends with love light shining out of her eyes.

And to be able to do that, a man must truly understand his woman. And, perhaps, that demonstrates the “caring” women seem to crave.

Whatever. Tonight I am waiting for the exactly perfect time, the perfect moment when something I say results in my wife, the love of my life, involuntarily laughing, with – if God is with me – champagne shooting out of her nose.

Verweile doch; du bist so schön. So, so schön.

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HEADLINE – Elderly Arab recluse killed in robbery

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Mad Men, News, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 9, 2011 by paulboylan

ISLAMABAD –  A prominent Arab recluse was killed during what appears to be a “home invasion” style robbery.

Witnesses say that a notorious gang that calls itself the SEALs forced their way into the elderly man’s Abbottabad vacation home, killed the home owner and some of his house guests and then ran off with the old man’s computers and extensive collection of personal videos documenting his quite home life.

The SEALs are lead by a Kenyan born warlord rumored to be ruthless and tricky.

Pakistani law enforcement officials are investigating.

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The Funniest Poster Ever

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Humor, Internet Fun!, Nichola Tesla, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , on April 22, 2011 by paulboylan

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A FANTASY REALIZED

Posted in Antique surgical instruments, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), It's not what you think, morbidly obese gymnasts, Our animal friends, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Small Town America, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 27, 2011 by paulboylan

Today I fulfilled a fantasy, and I just had to share it with y’all.

Every year, my wife throws an “Oscar party.”  If you know what that is, skip ahead in the story to where I go to the hardware store in my hit man outfit. If you don’t know what an Oscar party is, allow me to explain:

Every year the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences holds a gala event where they hand out awards for excellence in motion pictures arts and sciences.


The award is nicknamed the “Oscar.”  The United States is a movie culture (wrap your head around that one, if you can) and many, many Americans celebrate this pinnacle of commercialism and hold parties where groups of people watch the televised masturbatory splendor, eat, drink, make snide comments about the celebrities and hope that Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson or Gabrielle Union experience a spectacular wardrobe malfunction. Preferably all three simultaneously.

A Gabrielle Union impersonator

My lovely wife is one of these Oscarphiles, and every year we throw an Oscar party.

This year, as part of her party preparations, my wife purchased meat via the internet.  Not just any meat. When I opened the enormous box left at my front door and dug through the space age insulation, I found an enormous pork roast – so large that it won’t fit the largest roasting pan in existence, which we own and keep in the garage because it frightens small children and upsets our two cats when it is left unattended.

I can hear you saying “So what?  Just take a sharp knife and cut off a chunk so it will fit in the roasting pan.”

That is not an option – not with this roast.  There is bone running through it.  To cut off a chunk I need to cut through that bone, and I don’t have anything suited to do the cutting.


I called my local butcher, who declined my request to cut a chunk off of that big hunk of pork.  I offered to pay him. He still refused saying “We have a policy not to cut meat that wasn’t purchased from our store.”

Won't cut strange meat.

 

So my only option was to go to my local hardware store and buy a hacksaw and do it myself.

And that’s when I realized this was a rare opportunity to fulfill a fantasy.  Before I drove to Ace Hardware, I found and put on an old double breasted suit, a white tie and a pair of sunglasses.

 

I looked a lot like this.

 

I drove to the hardware store, walked in and approached the first employee I could find.

 

He looked a lot like this.

“Can I help you?”  the hardware store clerk inquired.

“Yeah. Sure. Maybe,” I said.  “See, I got this problem.  I need to cut through a large piece of bone.”

“Bone?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah, bone,” I replied, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.  “I never realized until very recently just how difficult it is to cut bone. My usual apparatus isn’t up to it,” I continued.  “You got any type of bone saw or something?”

“I – “

“You know, I figured a hacksaw would do, but if you got anything better, let me know.  I don’t mind paying for quality, if you know what I mean.”

Quality bone saws.

“I – I’m not sure we –“

“I bet you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Quality. Something I can hang onto just in case I need to cut through a couple of bones and I got a deadline and a car boot space problem, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, don’t you?”

By this point the nice gentleman was clearly upset and I was afraid he was going to run, so I laughed and told him I was kidding, and I told him the whole story about the huge piece of meat my wife bought on the internet and the bone I had to cut to reduce the size of the roast so it would fit my roasting pan.


And would you believe it? I ended up buying a genuine bone saw. They had one behind the counter in the back.


HEADLINE- Rep. Chris Lee resigns after reports of Craigslist flirtation

Posted in American Decline, Art, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Family and Friends, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Internet Fun!, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Moral Rights, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Small Town America, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 12, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana – Rep. Chris Lee of New York abruptly resigned after a gossip Web site reported that the married Republican had allegedly sent flirtatious e-mail messages and a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met online.

“In February of 2011 Representative Chris Lee was found to have been posting personal ads on Craigslist looking for women and lying about his age and marriage after e-mails and risque photos he sent to a woman were uncovered.”


“The liberal media is at it again,” said Shirley Blond-Bigbreast, Fox News anchor and GOP apologist.


“The real story here is that this latest incident is proof that the Republican Party is making progress solving right wing sex scandals,” Blond-Bigbreast said.  “Sure, Chris Lee solicited multiple strangers on the internet for sex and lied to them about his age and marital status, but least he isn’t gay.”


Sources:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906912.html

http://gawker.com/#!5756377/craigslist-congressman-resigns

Filed Under: RepublicansCongressRepressed homosexuality among conservatives
Tagged: chris leechris lee craigslistchris lee resignationchris lee shirtlesschris lee trying to look buff to impress what he clearly hopes is a stupid woman


HEADLINE – Nun’s Bones Found in Monk’s Bag

Posted in Art, Artists Rights, Barry Goldwater, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Family and Friends, Globalization, Headline, Headlines, Life, Mad Men, News, Our animal friends, Smiley Face, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, Weird Stuff, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on January 20, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE – Three monks and one pastor were arrested at the Eleftherios Venizelos airport in Athens, Greece after security personnel discovered the remains of Eleni Vathiadou, a former nun, in their luggage as they tried to board a flight to Cyprus.

The four suspects provided Greek authorities with conflicting explanations.

“I was holding that bag for a friend,” said Father Spiro Papastavros.

“Look man, those bones are intended for my own personal use only,” said Father Gus Poulos. “I wasn’t going to sell them.”

“My sister sent them to me,” claimed Father Nicholas Dimos.

“In my defense, she was delicious,” said Pastor Ted Schultz.

Source:

http://news.travel.aol.com/2011/01/19/monk-caught-with-nuns-skeleton-in-luggage/?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7Cdl6%7Csec2_lnk1%7C37641

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