Archive for the Food Category

HEADLINE – OFFICIALS CEASE WHALE RESCUE EFFORT

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Food, Headline, Headlines, News, Newt Gingrich, Our animal friends, snaaks on December 9, 2013 by paulboylan

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TAMPA, Florida –  Florida state officials have officially stopped their efforts to rescue ten pilot whales stranded in the Florida Everglades.

“Screw those whales,” said Cooter Babcock, appointed as Head Whale Rescuer by the State of Florida.

“I hate whales,” Babcock admitted.  You can’t hunt ‘em. You can’t eat ‘em. And you can’t claim you killed ‘em because they made you afraid for your life.  No jury would believe that. Not even in Florida,” Babcock concluded.

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Not a whale.
Not a whale.

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HEADLINE – CLEAR DEFINITION FOR “HABITABLE PLANET” URGED

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Astronomy, bilim adamları, buffo, dada, космическая девушка, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, ученые, Research and Development, Science, Science Fiction, snaaks, Space, Stupid News, Travel, بشار الاسد on November 26, 2013 by paulboylan

Never gonna go there

MUNCIE, Indiana – Experts have issued a call for scientists to establish a clear definition of “habitable planets” to make the search easier. They recommend researchers to take a conservative approach when looking for these planets.

“We want to clearly define what we are wasting our time looking for,” said one of the experts referenced above.

In related news,/after 10 years and at a cost of six million dollars, NASA scientists have finally completed the menu that will regulate what astronauts eat during a space voyage from earth to Mars that will never happen.

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A GRIM FAIRY TALE – THE SOMBER TURKEY

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Grim Fairy Tales, Hapax Legomenon, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Monsters, neşeli, Orcs, Our animal friends, Politics, Rage Against the Machine, rimshot wav download, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA!, سياسة policy on November 24, 2013 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

It is that time of year again.  I post this story every November as we North Americans get closer to our Thanksgiving feast – which invariably features a big roasted turkey.

My friends, I give you…

The Somber Turkey

Once upon a time, outside of the Kingdom of Woodland, east of Winters, in the Land of California, there lived a happy turkey farmer named Hannigan.  He loved raising turkeys, killing them, and selling them – in part or in whole – to clients all over California – where turkey eating was a big thing, especially during Thanksgiving and Christmas.


On Hannigan’s turkey farm lived a happy turkey named Norman.  Norman was the happiest and most contented turkey the world had ever known because he was the biggest turkey anyone had ever seen.  Farmer Hannigan often brought other humans to marvel at Norman’s size and physical beauty.

“That’s gonna be some big turkey,” the human visitors would always say.

“Yep,” Farmer Hannigan would always reply.

Farmer Hannigan was happy, which made Norman happy. Norman was proud of the fact that he was so big and fat with lots of white meat, whatever that was.

The other turkeys knew how Norman felt, because he was always bragging about himself.

“I’m gonna be some big turkey!” he would say.

The other turkeys got fed up with Norman’s bragging.  One day Leonardo decided to do something about it.

Leonardo was not an especially big or happy turkey. Not being big didn’t make Leonardo unhappy.  He could give a rat’s ass about how big he was.  He didn’t buy into that neo-fascist farmcentric value system.  Leonardo was a fiery-eyed revolutionary with a strong interest in pragmatic Marxism.

Leonardo

“You are one fine, big turkey,” Leonardo said to Norman one day.

“Yes, I am,” Norman preened.

“You know what they’re going to do to you because you’re so big?” Leonardo asked.

“Admire me,” Norman said, meaning it.

“Sure they are.  They’re going to admire how good you taste,” Leonardo said.

“I beg your pardon?” Norman asked.

“They’re going to eat you, buddy.  In a couple of months they’re going to catch you, kill you, cut off your head, pull out all of your feathers and your internal organs, cook you and eat you, and they’re going to pick you first because you’re so big.  Lots of white meat.”

“Oh, my god!” Norman said.  “They’re going to eat me!”

Norman realizes the truth.

“You mean you didn’t know?”

“No!”

“Everyone else knows.  Why do you think that so many turkeys die while they’re drinking water?”

“Because they forget to breath?” Norman suggested.

Leonardo laughed. “You believe that?  It’s a lie invented by the Man.  Have you ever forgotten to breath?”

“No.”

“Of course not. You got to be really stupid to forget to breath.”

“But we are pretty stupid.”

“No we’re not.  That’s just a lie to keep us down, to ruin our self esteem so we will be easy to exploit and so we won’t cause any trouble.  I’ll tell you why some turkeys die drinking water. Depression.  They’re depressed.  Why else do you think those other “stupid” things happen?  Why do you think some turkeys kill themselves by opening their throats in the rain and drowning?  Why do you think hens sit on their eggs so hard they break the eggs?”

“Oh my god, they’re killing their babies,” Norman said, in horror.

“Right.  They know what’s in store and they can’t take it. Would you want someone to eat your babies?”

“No,” Norman said.  “What can I do?” he asked, whispering in abject terror.

“Maybe I can get you out of here,” Leonardo said.  “On the outside there is an underground network of birds and humans who can take you to a place where you will be free.”

“Interested?”

“Of course!”

“Okay  I’ll see what I can do.”

Time went by.  Leonardo often spoke with Norman, teaching the bigger bird the truth about the world, teaching him hatred for the seemingly unbreakable power structure that doomed him and his race to be imprisoned, enslaved, slaughtered and devoured by killer apes.

“But remember,” Leonardo cautioned one night. “Not all humans are ravenous cannibals.  Some are good, and eat only plants and bugs.  These are the ones that help some of us get away.”

“How?” Norman asked in the star lit darkness.

“Every now and then there is a condition called Dark of the Moon, when there is no moon out and the darkness is as total as it can be.  During this time, a human jumps the fence and opens a big box. As many of us run in as we can.  We call it the Box of Freedom.”

“Just one box?”

“Yes, one box, but it is a big box, and it is better that some of us escape to keep the flames of hope burning.”

“I hope we both make it, brother,” Norman said.

“Me too, brother.  Me too.”

Then came the Dark of the Moon.  The turkeys were all quiet, making sure that there was no reason for Farmer Hannigan to investigate.

Suddenly the man with the box appeared.  He placed a big box on the ground and opened the side.

“This is it, brother!” Leonardo said, running.  Norman followed.

Leonardo made it into the box.  Norman didn’t get in before the man closed the box.

“Don’t worry, brother!” Leonardo cried from inside the box. “I’ll be waiting for you in paradise!”

But it didn’t happen.  The friendly human with the big box didn’t come back.  And Thanksgiving approached.  Leonardo was right – they came for Norman first.

Farmer Hannigan and his employees placed Norman in a big wooden crate built out of slats so that Norman could see and breathe.  Then Norman was carried to a truck, to an airport, into the belly of a jet, into another truck, and onto a large lawn next to a big white house.  Eventually, humans came to set up a lectern, chairs and cameras.  More humans came.  Some talked at the lectern in front of the crowd.

And then Norman’s cage was opened and gentle hands removed him from the crate.

“My god,” one human said.  “This had got to be the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s why the President is getting it,” another human said, not trying to make a joke.

Norman was brought to the front of the crowd.  One human in a black suit made a short speech to another man, also standing in front of the crowd.  Humans in the audience took pictures with still and video cameras.

And then Norman did it.  He thrust out his neck and tried to bite the man who wasn’t giving the speech.  Norman knew that he just couldn’t go gently into that good night.

The man giving the speech reached out, grabbed Norman’s long neck and choked Norman.  Other humans helped stuff Norman back into the crate.

“That is one feisty bird,” the President quipped, and the reporters laughed.


In those days it was customary for the President to display generosity, and pardon the White House Thanksgiving turkey.  So Norman was taken to a farm in Virginia, where he lived for the rest of his natural days.

Leonardo was not so lucky. He ended up as dinner for the man with the big box, who was nothing more than a thief who just couldn’t get over how stupid those turkeys were and how they would be so quite and just waddle into the box, as if they wanted to be eaten.

Which was, from the thief’s point of view, always possible.  After all, turkeys are so stupid.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

HEADLINE: LIL WAYNE’S SEIZURES NOT DRUG-RELATED, BIRDMAN SAYS

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Food, Headline, Headlines, ανόητο άτομα, Joseph Bleckman, News, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه on March 19, 2013 by paulboylan

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MUNCIE, Indiana – Pop sensation Lil Wayne’s recent seizure was not caused by illegal drug use, said Harvey Birdman, Lil Wayne’s attorney and spokesperson.

harvey_birdman_attorney_at_law-show

“My client is not a drug user,” Birdman said at a press conference he called for the purpose of “clearing the air” about Lil Wayne’s seizure. “He is allergic to wheat,” Birdman explained.

Birdman ended the conference with a warning about the perils of food allergies.

 

 

HEADLINE – STUDY SHOWS ORGANIC FOOD NO HEALTHIER THAN NON-ORGANIC

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, bacon, Food, Getting it Right, Headline, Headlines, health care, ανόητο άτομα, Money and Power, morbid obesity, News, скарлетт йоханссон, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, Research and Development, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God on September 22, 2012 by paulboylan

(Reuters Health) – Organic produce and meat typically isn’t any better for you than conventional varieties when it comes to vitamin and nutrient content, according to a new study from Stanford University sponsored by corporations supporting chemical companies.

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Where food comes from.

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“I knew that there or-ganic stuff was a lie,” said Skip Henderson, a morbidly obese registered Republican welfare recipient without health insurance suffering from type 2 diabetes. “It don’t say nothin’ about no or-ganic food in the consitution or the bible,” Henderson added before devouring a triple patty extra cheese cheeseburger topped with bacon, ham and onion rings (described with approval in Leviticus).

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Skip Henderson and his little friend.

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“You can pay more for ‘organic’ food at some hippy farmers market, but why do that when it costs less to buy chemically enhanced food at your local supermarket that, due to the magic of preservatives, won’t spoil for years and years and years?” said Dr. Ernst Henderson, a spokesman for Cargil, a corporate food giant that co-sponsored the Stanford Study.

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Ernst Henderson

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“Organic food is a fraud,” said Henry Henderson, Junior Vice President of Goldman Sachs, an international investment firm with strong ties to the chemical industry that also co-sponsored the Stanford Study. “The study we paid for concluded that there is nothing wrong with eating foods rich in pesticides, preservatives, manufactured sugars, fats and other chemical additives that have been linked to cancer, obesity, diabetes, an increase in infant mortality and a decrease in life expectancy.”

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Henry Henderson

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“But here is the important thing to remember,” Henderson added.  “The studies that concluded the chemicals our clients produce and sell at obscene profits, these studies weren’t paid for by the chemical industry or corporations with chemical industry ties, so those studies were unfair, anti-American and probably socialist.”

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Anti-American Socialists.

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“Let’s face it,” said Karen Henderson, a spokesperson for the Monsanto Corporation, “people who buy organic food and don’t buy industrially processed foods rich in chemical bonus materials, these people hate capitalism.” Henderson said.

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Pretending to engage in open market commerce.

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Skip Henderson agreed. “The liberal commies won’t let folks buy super large servings of soda!  What happened to freedom?  I say it is my right as an American to eat whatever I want as often as I want and as much as I want even if it is bad for me.  You can’t make me eat any commie organic food!”

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GEOPOLITICAL OUTLOOK: THE AMERICAN DROUGHT

Posted in Arab Spring, Brave New World, Captain America, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, Globalization, Grim Fairy Tales, Isnt nature wonderful?, Politics, The Wrath of God, سياسة on August 19, 2012 by paulboylan

It is often said that when America sneezes the rest of the world catches a cold. Even though the American Century is over, and American power and influence is declining, what happens in the United States still affects the world as a whole.  This has never been more apparent than it is right now: a drought in the United States is going to cause millions to die around the world.

Allow me to explain.

In the last century – especially after World War II – the United States used the lure of its comparative prosperity to seduce the world into remaking itself into America’s economical image. When China finally embraced the Western economic model, it became the 2nd largest economy on Earth in only a few decades.

We now know, however, that the American model was and remains deeply flawed. American-style capitalism, embraced by Europe, Asia, South America, and increasingly embraced by Africa, is essentially a shell game governments play to create the illusion of prosperity which in turn fuels consumption, leading to ultimate breaking points.

Prior to the Bretton Woods Accord, the cycle of boom and bust inherent in American-style capitalism was not much of a problem. The United States’ economy was just one economic system in a world composed of multiple economic systems typified by multiple currencies. It is well understood and accepted that the interplay of these separate economic systems was inefficient, typified by the chaos of international currency exchange rates. However, although inefficient, independent economies insulated the world from global economic crises.

That all changed after World War II. On July 22, 1944, the world’s major industrial states signed an agreement setting up the current world economic order more commonly known as the Bretton Woods Accord. That agreement established the  International Monetary Fund, the World Bank and what ultimately became the World Trade Organization (WTO).

The Bretton Woods Accord, combined with the United States’ unlateral decision in 1971 to terminate the gold standard (i.e., the convertibility of the American dollar to gold), resulted in the U. S. Dollar becoming the reserve currency for the world – which meant that all major international transactions took place in U. S. Dollars, and this essentially transformed the U. S. Dollar into the de facto world currency.

And this is why, even now when America sneezes the rest of the world catches a cold. Even though the American Century is over, and American political power and influence is declining, the entire world is still inextricably tied to the American economic system.

One of the consequences of the American economic model becoming the dominant economic model for all the world is the fungibility of agricultural products. Before the Bretton Woods Accord and the advent of the WTO nations zealously protected their food production capability. Prior to Bretton Woods, the foundation of a country’s national interest was domestic food production capability: wars were won by destroying your opponent’s ability to feed their armed forces.

However, after Bretton Woods such protectionism slowly ended and all nations aspiring to become part of the new, prosperous, economic system were required to place their agricultural production onto the world market. Prior to Brenton Woods the price of a bushel of corn depended on where it was grown and where was sold. After Bretton Woods corn production globally sets the price and a bushel of corn purchased in India costs virtually the same as a bushel of corn purchased in the United States.

Demand and the ability to purchase food dictates food availability.  For example, Dixon California is famous for its lamb production.  However, due to international demand for lamb fueled by growing middle classes in India and China, for short periods of time in 2011 people in Davis – which is a few miles from Dixon – could not purchase lamb; Dixon lamb producers were selling their entire production to Chinese and Indian meat distributors.

Nations can still play games with commodity prices and can engage in acts of quasi-protectionism, such as the recent decision of the United States government to aid American pork producers by buying their products at a higher price than the price the worldwide market imposes in order to ameliorate the effects of the American drought on American pork production. But these  protectionist manipulations only drive the price of agricultural products higher on the international market by reducing the supply.

And that is why millions of people around the world are now facing inevitable hunger and death. Millions of people around the world depend for their lives on surplus American agricultural production that keeps the price of food low enough for them to be able to buy it. The American Heartland –the breadbasket of the world –is experiencing a terrible drought causing a dramatic drop in American agricultural production. This shortage will cause the price of basic staples like rice, corn and soybeans to increase beyond the point where millions of people can afford to purchase them. And this means they are going to starve.

The international economic system dictates where this starvation will occur.  Despite the WTO rules against protectionism, nations that produce food surpluses will manipulate their agricultural systems to make sure that food supplies for their national populations remain affordable. For example, when the United States government purchases pork products from American farmers at prices higher than those dictated by international markets, the United States government supports the ability of those farmers to buy food with prices set internationally.

The same is true for nations with strong natural resource exports, such as Australia, United States, and Russia. Natural resource sales provide the liquid Capital necessary to buy food at inflated world prices.  However, this is true only for nations with robust economies.

For example, Venesuela imports food but exports oil and gas. However, Venesuela’s economy is collapsing; their oil and gas production is dropping due decaying infrastructure that is too expensive to repair.  The government of Venesuela is already bound by long-term contracts with other nations exchanging oil for food at prices set before the American drought. Consequently, Venesuela’s energy exports to not generate liquid capital that can be used to buy food at increasingly expensive international prices.

The nations that will be hardest hit by the consequences of the American drought will be nations that neither produce food surpluses nor export natural resources. Those nations will face food riots and eventual mass starvation.  These nations include Niger, Mali, Chad, Mauritania and Senegal.

We are already seeing signs of this happening. Farmers in Niger are selling their cows, goats and sheep to obtain currency sufficient to buy food.  Nomads dependent on their camels are selling them for the same reason. This is a desperate move and the positive effects are temporary. When the money runs out, they will starve.

China – despite its seeming economic strength and the flexibility of its capitalist dictatorship – is one of the nations that will be hardest hit by the American drought. Although Chinese coastal regions have experienced the benefits of unbridled capitalism in the world economic order, the rest of China is poverty-stricken. Even if this were not true, the Chinese economy is dependent on food and natural resource imports.  Egypt is also vulnerable.

So it is fairly certain that the poorest populations of our world will experience famine, food riots, and starvation. So the question is: how will the world respond?

The answer is fairly clear: the world community will do nothing substantial to prevent the humanitarian disaster that is rapidly approaching. The existing world economic order does not provide mechanisms for any meaningful response to the consequences of the Great American drought. The world’s industrialized powers that are best capable of shifting resources to alleviate world hunger are busy dealing with their own economic crisis. They simple cannot afford to respond to the pending crisis in any meaningful way.

This is not to say there won’t be a lot of activity. Certainly there will be at least one telethon where celebrities from around the world join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony and ask the viewing audience to send money. Nations around the world will contribute millions of dollars toward aid relief. But, beyond the “feel-good” result of such efforts, millions will still die.

This crisis will not be remedied; it will be managed. Food will be distributed as it always is – to those with sufficient political capital to assure their survival. Those without sufficient political capital will die.

There are those who will argue that we should let them die, that all of this is for the best, that this is a result of the earth exceeding its carrying capacity, that there are just too many unproductive people and that their population must be reduced, that if we feed them now, all they will do is reproduce so that even more will die tomorrow.

So it seems quite certain that a lot of people are going to die. But before they die, they will fight. And the authorities controlling food distribution will attempt to suppress any unrest with force.

So the ultimate question is whether or not suppression efforts will succeed. If they succeed, the result is likely to be more repressive governments consequently better able to manage the next round of food riots that are sure to come.

If governmental suppression efforts do not succeed, however, it could lead Revolution.  The French Revolution was caused by food shortage. The Arab spring movement was likely started by a food shortage in Tunisia.

There is really no way to predict what will happen because American corn and soybean farmers did not meet their expected production goals. But it is fairly certain that the world is in for a bumpy ride.

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HEADLINE – NASA DEVELOPING MENU FOR MARS MISSION

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Crazy People, Food, Headline, Headlines, News, photograph, Photography, pork, Research and Development, Science Fiction, Space, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, TRIPs, USA! USA! USA! on July 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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NASA recently revealed for the first time that NASA is working on a menu for a mission to Mars (the “Red Planet”) envisioned for “sometime in the 2030′s.”

NASA’s Director of Space Food Science, Reginald Quince, agreed to discuss this exciting news with PEOPLE OF EARTH.

Reginald Quince

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Director Quince, thank you for agreeing to speak with us today to discuss this new Mars menu that NASA recently announced.

REGINALD QUINCE:  No, thank you for the opportunity to let the world know about the amazing work we are doing to make sure that the first people on Mars have the very best food available to celebrate their great achievement.

POE:  I don’t want to misrepresent the reach of this forum. My blog is somewhat exclusively read.

QUINCE:  How exclusive?

POE:  If this interview is read at all, it will be read primarily by people in Australia, New Zealand and isolated rural parts of the Orkney Islands.

QUINCE:  I was under the impression that your blog communicated to all of the people of earth.

POE:  Theoretically yes, but in practice, unfortunately not.

QUINCE: Well…. I’m here, we might as well talk.

POE:  Thank you.

QUINCE: Better than nothing.

POE:  Well let’s get right to it.  Tell me more about this menu NASA has announced.

QUINCE:  My pleasure, Paul.  After months and months of meetings and reading endless positions papers, it was finally decided that it will be a tasting menu.

POE:  Tasting menu?

QUINCE:  Yes!  NASA has worked diligently to create the finest, most flavorful dishes made from the best ingredients from around the world paired with the perfect wines!

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POE:  Aren’t you putting the cart before the horse?

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QUINCE:  If by that you mean have we put the cart of culinary excellence before the horse of gastronomical delight, then yes, that is what we did, what we are doing and what we are striving to achieve!!

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POE:  Let me approach this problem from a different direction.  Before you start spending money to plan what astronauts on Mars will be eating, don’t you think you first have to figure out how to get there and how to pay for it?

[At that point, Director Quince left our recording studios and would not return our calls.]

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“PUT THAT BACK! YOU KNOW WE CAN’T AFFORD NO TANG!

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AN UNFORTUNATE MISTRANSLATION

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, greannmhar, health care, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Missile Defense, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, pork, rimshot wav download, Russia, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on June 2, 2012 by paulboylan

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AWFUL FORTUNE

Posted in amusant, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, космическая девушка, Food, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on May 5, 2012 by paulboylan

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I don’t know about you, but I expect a little more from my fortune cookies.

For example:

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PROOF DOGS CAN READ

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Dogs, космическая девушка, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, 재미, αστείος, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Small Town America, snaaks, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار on May 1, 2012 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Good news for penguin lovers

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bacon, buffo, пицца, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, News, neşeli, смешной, snaaks, Sports, The Great State of Montana!, Travel, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson with tags , , , , on April 15, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana - Due to the harsh antarctic climate, coming up with an accurate number of Emperor Penguins has proved to be extremely difficult. However, a new study using satellite imagery has done what may be the most accurate count of the large flightless birds yet done, pegging their population at around 595,000 birds — nearly twice the previous estimate.

This is good news for people who love penguin./“Tonight I am making Emperor Penguin tacos for dinner, and I was feeling a little guilty about it,” said Marge Ridgewood, housewife from Cleveland, Ohio. “But now that I know there are lots of the little buggers, I don’t feel so bad,” Ridgewood added.

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When Pigs Fly

Posted in Ahmadinejad, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bacon, Celebrity, Food, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, when pigs fly, 滑稽, פיצה, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار on February 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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Singing Pigs (and a piece of singing bacon)

Posted in Australia, bacon, Food, Our animal friends, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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A Grim Fairy Tale – THREE STUPID WHALES

Posted in Food, Grim Fairy Tales, Isnt nature wonderful?, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Sports on January 12, 2012 by paulboylan

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Once upon a time there were three grey whales trapped under the arctic ice.

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That alone is enough to make anyone wonder:  what is wrong with these three whales?  What kind of whales get themselves trapped beneath ice so they will most likely die because they can’t hold their breath long enough to swim beyond the frozen ice and out to the open sea?

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Okay, let’s just get past the fact that these whales were unusually stupid. Whales, for the most part, are fairly intelligent. They’ve survived for millions of years and the stupid ones have died out because they were too stupid to avoid obvious dangers – like getting trapped beneath an arctic ice sheet.  But every now and then one or two whales don’t get enough oxygen when they are born and they end up just a  little bit stupid. 

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The whales trapped beneath the arctic ice are three very stupid whales. They’re trapped. They are gonna die. That’s that. It is what it is. It has happened before. It will happen again.  Stupid is as stupid does, and  – over the course of geological time – stupid tends to die.

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But sometimes even the stupid get lucky.  In this case, the three stupid whales were discovered by a little blond girl who decided to try to save them.

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In all honesty, the details are a bit boring.  To make a long story short, the little blond girl convinced a bunch of white people to cut holes in the ice that the three stupid whales could use to breathe while they swam to the open sea.

And it worked. The whales – although stupid beyond reasonable belief – used the air holes carved out of the ice to breath as they made their way to the open ocean.

And when they got there – when they were finally free of the consequences of their own stupidity, when they finally broke into the open sea – they were set upon by a band of Native Americans in big canoes who  thrust hand-made harpoons into their flesh, puncturing their lungs, and killing them.

“Hey, thanks, white people!” the Native American arctic hunters shouted as they attached ropes to the three dead gray whales to tow them to their village, where the whales were beached and butchered for the traditional nutritional pleasure of the village.

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And the shame of it all –  the real tragedy here – is that the white people who helped bring the whales to the open sea were not allowed to eat any flesh of the whales they saved because, by law, only Native Americans are lawfully entitled to eat whale meat.

Sometimes, life isn’t fair.

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WONDERFUL NEWS!!!

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, Get a job, Getting it Right, Kim Kardashian, News, ученые, Paying Attention, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, טילים, פיצה on December 20, 2011 by paulboylan

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My Bananahead Nightmare (continued)

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Artists Rights, Banana, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, Mysterious Mysteries, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, The Great State of Montana!, urinary tract infections, Weird Stuff on December 13, 2011 by paulboylan

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Apparently, some of you out there misconstrue my prior post’s serious nature.  I really am not kidding.  There is something about people putting bananas on their head that creeps me out. Big time.

I felt the GIF of Freddy Mercury fondling a bunch of bananas on his head would be horrifying enough. But it wasn’t.  So I am forced to show you the true extent of this sick perversion.

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A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Family and Friends, Food, 스타게이트유니버스, pandemic, Photography, zombies on November 19, 2011 by paulboylan

As most of you know, I recently returned from a really wonderful visit to Australia.

While there, I was enormously fortunate to spend a bit of time with the magnificent and munificent author, John Birmingham, during which we shared one or two or three really excellent meals.

I returned from Australia about 10 pounds heavier than when I left.  Apparently, John gained a bit of weight too, for which he blamed me.s

In response, I admitted causing John’s increased girth and explained that I did it for revenge.  This is what I said:

“I readily admit it. Why did I go through so much trouble at such high cost and such low profit to “visit” Oz? I did it to prompt the otherwise preternaturally svelte Mr. Birmingham to pack on unsightly kilos. I did it for revenge. Revenge! Birmingham’s failure to model a significant recurring character after me demanded revenge! Murph gets to be president. The Rhino gets to be, well, the Rhino. What do I get? Zilch! Bupkis! Maffi! Nada! Nichts! Nothing (I added that last one for you out there who don’t speak any Yiddish, Arabic, Spanish or German. Fucking Philistines)!

I am not an unreasonable man. I realize that a short, bald, fart-joke-loving, seppo lawyer of mixed Greek and Irish ancestry doesn’t really lend itself to military/tech adventure novels or histories of Sydney. So? So what? This is about respect!

I am not, however,  responsible for the advent of the restaurant review season. That’s our own damned fault.”

Feeling rather pleased with my creative invective, I showed it to my wife, Lori.  After reading it, she looked up at me and said:

“I would be careful what I say if I were you.  For all you know, you might end up as a gay zombie in one of his books.”

I… didn’t consider that possibility.  But now that I have considered it,  I must agree with my wife: I need to be more careful.

A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

Posted in Australia, Brave New World, Food, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, 스타게이트유니버스, ανόητο άτομα, ученые, Travel, Vegemite, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים on November 9, 2011 by paulboylan

As you know, I just returned from a two week trip to Australia.

While there, someone provide me with a freshly baked bread roll.


I asked what it was in it and was told “cheese and Vegemite.”

The roll was delicious.

Last night I brought the subject up while chatting with my wife, sort of suggesting that maybe she could make me some.

In response, my wife fixed me with a cold, piercing stare.

She said (and I quote):

“This is what those people do: they take you somewhere, they cloud your mind – like the Shadow – they feed you Vegemite, and you think you love it.”

So I guess I ain’t gonna get any more until I visit again.

My Trip to Oz Thus Far

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Food, Horrible Coincidences, ανόητο άτομα, ученые, Paying Attention, Photography, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים, سياسة on November 2, 2011 by paulboylan

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Here are a few of the pics I’ve taken with my new big deal IPhone. There are hundreds, but the following will give you a bit of the flavour of my visit thus far.

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BRISBANE

 

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MELBOURNE

 

 

 

SYDNEY

That’s it for now. Tomorrow Birmo hits town, and the next day I fly back home.

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“Aftertaste without end.” Now that’s a quality I treasure in anything I eat.

“Hot sell the good taste.” I most certainly will follow that instruction.

“Lick and Sip.”  Excuse me?  Licking is a given, but if you are sipping afterwards, then you are doing it wrong.

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A Grim Fairy Tale: BUMPKIN THE COUNTRY PUMPKIN

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Family and Friends, Food, Grim Fairy Tales, Isnt nature wonderful?, Mordor, Rotwang, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on October 29, 2011 by paulboylan

So I am sitting in this tavern in Melbourne with my mates Flinthart, Banger, Melbo, Mayhem and Catty, eating and drinking and otherwise faffing up a storm, exploring the random furphy and otherwise having a grand time, when the topic of writing comes up.

I mentioned the inappropriate series of children’s stories I wrote many years ago told by my alter-ego, an evil old man named Brother Grim.

One of my dining companions actually encouraged me to post those awful stories here. I think all of them are secretly laughing at me.  Australians are inscrutable.  I can’t think of any way they can be scruted. But, what the heck, it is nearly Halloween, so why not trot out Bumpkin the Country Pumpkin – posted a couple of years ago at the Mini Burger.  I’ve added illustrations.  I recommend that all of you read it to your children, the younger the better.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you

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BUMPKIN THE COUNTRY PUMPKIN

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Once upon a time there was a little pumpkin named Bumpkin.

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He lived in the country, far away from the Big City, on the side of the road next to the pumpkin patch.  He was a bit scrawny and small.  He began as a stray seed that accidentally flew to the roadside to sprout and grow without the benefit of regular water, fertilizer and pesticides. 

So he sat by the side of the road, watching the pumpkins in the pumpkin patch grow big and orange and proud.

“We are Halloween pumpkins!” the pumpkin patch pumpkins would say to Bumpkin.  “Children will buy us and make us into Jack-o-lanterns for Halloween!” they bragged shamelessly.

Bumpkin wished he, too, could be a Jack-O-Lantern for Halloween, but the pumpkin patch pumpkins laughed when he confessed his deepest desire.

“We are big and orange,” they would point out.  “We will be picked at harvest and taken to the supermarket where we will be examined and fawned over and picked by children, who will carve us into scary and silly faces.  We will be illuminated by flickering candles, glowing yellow out from our carved eyes.  We will be remembered forever by children who grow into adults, who will take their children in turn to the supermarket to pick a Halloween pumpkin.”

“Maybe I will become a Jack-o-lantern too!” Bumpkin squeaked from the roadside, interrupting the litany of self-admiration.

“You?” the other pumpkins sneered. “Who would pick you?  You are funny-looking, and besides, you are growing out by the roadside, away from the pumpkin patch.  You will never be harvested and taken to the supermarket.”

When harvest came, Bumpkins saw that it was true.  The truck loads of migrant workers were paid by the pound, so they concentrated on the bigger, oranger pumpkins in the pumpkin patch.  They didn’t even notice little, scrawny, misshaped Bumpkin.

But then one of the workers, for reasons unknown, and to the righteous shock of the finer pumpkins, reached out and picked Bumpkin and placed him on the pile with the other pumpkins.

And so Bumpkin was taken to the supermarket and placed on display. 

But no one picked him.  Many children came and looked.  Some touched and weighed, some seriously considered, but they all ended up choosing the bigger, oranger pumpkins.

On Halloween Eve Bumpkin found himself all alone on the wooden display sitting between two rotting pumpkins.  He felt it was all over when he heard a woman’s voice ask:

“How much for the pumpkins?”

“I’ll give you all three for a penny a piece,” the voice of the produce manager said.

And so the woman bought Bumpkin and the two rotting pumpkins and brought them to her home.

The woman lived in a bad neighborhood in a small appartment near a busy street.  When she got home, she took all three pumpkins out of the bag and began cutting and cleaning the two rotting pumpkins, who had died from despair many days earlier.

“I guess I’m going to be a pie,” Bumpkin said to himself in bitter disappointment. 

But then a little boy walked into the kitchen.  His name was Timmy, and Timmy wanted – more than anything in the world – to carve a jack-o-lantern for Halloween.  He saw Bumpkin lying on the counter beside the sink, and Timmy fell in love.  Bumpkin was the most beautiful pumpkin Timmy had ever seen.

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“Please, Mamma. Please, can I have that little pumpkin?” he asked.

“No,” his mother said.  “We are very poor, and we need these pumpkins for food.  It is wrong to play with food.”

“Oh, please Mamma!  If you give me the pumpkin, I promise to get a job and work real hard to earn enough money to buy another pumpkin so you can cook it!  Please!”  Timmy said, and began to cry, because he knew full well that there were no jobs for poor little boys like him.

His mother knew it, too, but she gave Timmy the little pumpkin anyway. She really didn’t want to cook it.  She was suspicious of Bumpkin’s sickly color and odd shape.  She thought Bumpkin might be diseased.  So she gave it to Timmy.

“Make sure to wash your hands afterwards,” Timmy’s mother instructed.

Timmy didn’t care what Bumpkin looked like or the risk of pathogen contamination associated with cutting into Bumpkin’s flesh.  Timmy was overjoyed.

And Bumpkin was overjoyed.  He was going to be a jack-o-lantern!  At last, his dream was coming true.

Bumpkin became a little hesitant when he saw Timmy spread some newspaper on the floor and take hold of a long carving knife.

 

And it hurt a lot when Timmy clumsily stabbed into Bumpkin’s flesh, cutting a hole in Bumpkin’s top and reaching in to scoop out Bumpkin’s guts.

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Bumpkin fainted more than once.  And, as Timmy’s little hand scooped out Bumpkin’s insides, reaching in over and over again,  Bumpkin screamed over and over again, screams that only other pumpkins could hear – as well as the occasional banana squash.

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Between fainting and screaming, Bumpkin could hear, out in the black night, the howling screams of the bigger, oranger pumpkins who, like Bumpkin, were being eviscerated by smiling, laughing children, as well as the occasional perverted adult.

After what seemed to be a timeless eternity of suffering without end, Bumpkin was transformed into a jack-o-lantern.  Timmy beamed as he placed a candle in Bumpkin, lit the candle and set Bumpkin in front of the apartment door.

Bumpkin’s pride overshadowed his excruciating pain.  He looked up and down the street at the other jack-o-lanterns carved from the fine, cultivated pumpkins.   Bumpkin could feel their surprise – and a little outrage – when they noticed him.  Bumpkin decided that he was just as good as any of them.  And he was.

The magic of that night went on and on.  Bumpkin watched as the costumed children went door to door yelling “trick or treat!” holding out their bags for candy.

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And then it was Timmy’s turn.  Bumpkin watched as Timmy and his mother left the apartment to go trick or treating.

“Isn’t my jack-o-lantern beautiful?” Timmy beamed.

“Yes, dear,” his mother said, and they walked off.

It wasn’t long before more children came to the door.  But no one was home to give them candy, and the children walked away, dissappointed. Some of them said foul and impolite things, angered by the lack of candy caused by Timmy and his mother’s absence.   Then one group of boys came by who weren’t dressed in costumes.

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When no one responded to their baritone cries of “trick or treat!,” the boys threw eggs at Timmy’s apartment and wrote rude remarks with bars of soap on the apartment windows.  Then they picked up Bumpkin and ran off.

Bumpkin remained with those terrible boys through the night.  He was with them when they threw more eggs, sprayed shaving cream, and frightened other children.  The boys even used Bumpkin to terrify the littlest kids.  The boys would thrust Bumpkin into the faces of children and yell “boo!”  The little kids would look at Bumpkin, scream and run away crying.

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Just before midnight, the boys climbed to the top of a building, ran over to the edge of the roof and threw Bumpkin down to the pavement below.  Bumpkin smashed into a million pieces.

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But he didn’t die. 

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In the morning someone swept up the pieces of Bumpkin and threw them into a garbage can.

As the pieces of Bumpkin lay there in the dark, smelly garbage can, Bumpkin heard a little boy crying.  It was Timmy, and he was crying because someone had stolen his first and most favorite jack-o-lantern.  Timmy’s mother came to comfort him.

“Don’t cry, dear. It was only a vegetable,” she said.

And then, alone in the trash, Bumpkin died.  

THE END

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HEADLINE – Antibiotics beat cranberries at fighting urinary tract infections

Posted in American Decline, Food, Headline, Headlines, health care, News, The Wilhelm Scream, urinary tract infections on July 28, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE – A recent study concludes that antibiotics beat cranberries at fighting urinary tract infections.

“Woo hoo! In your face, cranberries!!” shouted an ecstatic Erythromycin.

“Suck it, cranberries!” proclaimed Ciprofloxacin in triumph.

“Oh yeah?” said a disgruntled cranberry.  “Try making a sea breeze or cosmo with Tetracycline.”

Source:  http://antibiotics-beat-cranberries-5  


HEADLINE – Binge drinking impairs memory in women

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Moral Rights, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, News, neşeli, смешной, Research and Development, Science, snaaks, Stupid People, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on July 17, 2011 by paulboylan

They won't remember a thing.

MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.

“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.

The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found at http://www.duh.edu.

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SOURSE:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14154404

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HEADLINE – Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces

Posted in Brave New World, dada, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Isnt nature wonderful?, Mad Scientists, News, ученые, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Science, Stupid People, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 17, 2011 by paulboylan

TOKYO - Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement. 

“The process is very complex and expensive,” Ikeda explained. “The result is definitely edible. The problem is that it tastes like shit.”

“That tsunami really messed those people up,” said Evan Boylan, a student at Illinois State University, upon learned of the Japanese excrement-to-meat scientific breakthrough.

“That’s worse than f**king Soylent Green,” Boylan added.

SOURCE: http://japanesescientistscreatesmeatoutoffeces-

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A Grim Fairy Tale – THE NOVICE

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Art, Astronomy, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Food, Getting it Right, Grim Fairy Tales, Kim Kardashian, Mysterious Mysteries, ученые, Pop Culture, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, The Wrath of God, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים, سياسة on May 22, 2011 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

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THE NOVICE

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Once upon a time in a city carved out of the Central American jungles,  a novice priest of the Feathered Serpent sat on a stone bench in the High Priest’s ante chamber, waiting for the High Priest to finish with a sacrifice.

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The novice rehearsed in his mind what he was going to say to the High Priest. Suddenly, the door opened, and the usher – resplendent in his brightly feathered robes – came out and beckoned the novice into the audience chamber. The High Priest was standing at the window, looking down at the bustling metropolis.

“Praise the Feathered Serpent,” the novice intoned.

The High Priest looked away from the window and barely acknowledged the salutation.

“Please sit down,” the High Priest said. He gestured to a stone bench by the wall. Both novice and High Priest sat down together.

“How long have you been a novice here at the temple?” the High Priest asked.

“Two years, Excellency.”

“Two years. I talked to the faculty about you. They tell me that you are a good student. Hard working and spiritually gifted.”

“Thank you, Excellency.”

“So what went wrong out there today?”

The novice expected the question, but not the bluntness of its delivery. He swallowed hard before answering.

“I have no excuse, Excellency.”

“I’m not looking for excuses. I want an explanation. You’ve been here two years. You’ve probably assisted in hundreds of sacrifices. Today was your first unassisted solo. So what went wrong?”

“I really don’t know, sir. Everything was going fine. I recited the prayer, made the first incision and reached into the prisoner’s chest cavity. I felt the Feathered Serpent watching over and guiding me, I swear. I’m sure the crowd felt it too. I found myself holding the beating heart up high, showing it to the crowd. It was glorious.”

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“And then…” The High Priest prompted.

“And then the heart just slipped out of my hand and went flying. I think it hit someone in the head.”

The novice sat silent in his shame and disgrace. But then, to his utter amazement and relief, the High Priest laughed.

“You know,” the High Priest said. “many in the crowd hope that the priest performing the sacrifice will slip up.”

“You really think so?”

“It’s human nature. Heck, its cheap entertainment. The peasants even wager on it.”

“They do?”

“Yes. We tried to stop it once, but we gave up. I’m sure the betting was rather heavy on your first solo.”

“And I am thoroughly ashamed -”

“Don’t be. It happens to the best of us. I know.”

“To you?” the novice asked.

“No, but it happened to my great and noble predecessor.”

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“Really?”

“Sure. I was there. The old coot hadn’t performed a sacrifice for over ten years, you know, being busy with administrative duties. But it was the Feast of the Flatulent Twins and he decided to do it himself. I’ll never forget it. There he was – on the sacrificial platform at the top of the pyramid – he made the cut, reached into the chest cavity, pulled out the heart, and lifted it up – still beating – to show it to the crowd below on the steps. And then, pop! It shot out his hand and up into the air. You never saw an old man move so fast. He tried to catch it with his other hand, but that heart shot into the air again. This went on for about five grabs when he finally missed and the heart plopped onto the steps in front of him. Talk about embarrassing.”

“It’s hard to believe.”

“Believe it. But the next day it was forgotten, and my old master served as high priest for another ten years, and even performed – successfully – a sacrifice or two. And that’s my point. Don’t let this little mistake shake your confidence. When you fall off of a llama what do you do? You get right back up on that llama and ride it!”

“Yes sir!”

“You have potential, young man. You might even have my job one day.”

“Oh, no, I’m not -”

“Sure you are. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. Anyway. There’s an opening for tonight’s sacrifice. Interested?”

“Yes, of course!”

“That’s the spirit.”

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But it happened again. The Novice slipped at the evening sacrifice and the heart went flying.And the novice was banished from the priesthood forever.

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HEADLINE -Antarctic penguin colony vanishes

Posted in Family and Friends, Food, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Globalization, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, Our animal friends, Science, The Wrath of God, Travel, Uncategorized, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on April 27, 2011 by paulboylan

CHRISTCHURCH – A small colony of emperor penguins on an island off the West Antarctic Peninsula is gone, and the most likely culprit is a resident of Rio Grande, Argentina named Ted who thinks penguins are delicious.  

“I’m not saying I am the only cause for the disappearance of the entire colony, but I can tell you that they barbecue up real nice,” said Ted in a rare television appearance.

The researchers studying the situation, however, caution that their study is hampered by a lack of long-term information on just how delicious emperor penguins are,  both at the site in question and in general.

Emperor penguins are regal, if bulky, birds that stand as high as 4 feet (1.2 meters) and can weigh as much as 84 pounds (38 kilograms). This colony, first spotted in 1948 on an island dubbed Emperor Island, was a small one that had approximately 150 breeding pairs.

Observations are spotty, but the populations appear to have been relatively stable until the 1970s when Ted began visiting the island.  A report in 1978 showed a sharp drop in population, a trend that continued until an airplane survey found the island empty in 2009.

“All I know is that when I’m not eating penguin I am thinking about eating penguin, they are that delicious,” Ted added, “so I am especially concerned that the entire population on this island has been eaten – I mean wiped out by unknown and mysterious causes. Yeah, its a big mystery. I’m sure global warming had something to do with it,” Ted concluded prior to embarking to locate new and previously unknown emperor penguin colonies.

Source:  

http://biologists-document-loss-of-emperor-penguin-colony/

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HEADLINE – FDA claims no need to test Pacific fish for radioactivity

Posted in American Decline, Brave New World, Fiction, Food, Globalization, Headline, Headlines, IN MEMORIAM, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, Op Ed, Our animal friends, pandemic, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Rotwang, Science Fiction, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something? on April 17, 2011 by paulboylan

FDA spokesperson Vinny Slimp

WASHINGTON D.C. – North Pacific fish are so unlikely to be contaminated by radioactive material from the crippled nuclear plant in Japan that there’s no reason to test them, state and federal officials said this week.

“I personally smelled a fish that came out of the Pacific that looked like it could have been Japanese and could detect no radiation whatsoever,” said FDA spokesperson Vinny Slimp. The Food and Drug Administration has oversight of the nation’s food supplies.

“Based on the work they’re doing, no sampling or monitoring of our fish is necessary,” Slimp said. “We also consulted with a really good psychic that works for the North Pacific Fish Foundation who told us to tell everyone to eat all the Pacific fish they want and that no testing is necessary.”  The North Pacific Fish Foundation is an advocacy and lobbying group that represents the sea food industry and works closely with the FDA to provide guidance on sea food safety regulations. 

“Fish is good for you even if it is radioactive,” said Rocko Vincenchi, Associate Director of the Food Safety Advisory Board. “Like the chemicals in drinking water from plastic bottles and dyes in foods, there is nothing bad, per se, about radiation.  We got radiation everywhere. You walk outside and you get hit with radiation from the sun. That’s right, from the sun. Solar energy and radiation are the same thing.  Besides, fish got all that healthy fish oil in them, so the more radiated fish you eat the more you will be protected from radiation in the fish!” Vincenchi said, then quickly added “but I’m not saying there is any radiation in any fish. The FDA says there is no need for testing so that means there ain’t no radiation,  right?”

Rocko Vincenchi

The Food Safety Advisory Board is an advocacy/lobbying organization supported financially by the food industry and is dedicated to repealing food safety regulations.

Source:

http://www.thenewstribune.com/2011/04/16/1629400/fda-claims-no-need-to-test-pacific.html#ixzz1JnSXmTVC

HEADLINE – Japan vows to review nuclear safety standards

Posted in Brave New World, dada, Food, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Life, Mad Men, News, Op Ed, Parody, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Rotwang, satire, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , on March 29, 2011 by paulboylan

In response to charges of criminal regulatory negligence that resulted in the clearly apparent failure to build and maintain safe nuclear reactors, the Japanese government vowed to review Japan’s nuclear safety standards.

“We will review them, if we can find them,” promised Ken Fujikuma, Head of the Japanese Nuclear Industry Regulatory Commission and Late Night Drinking Games.

Fujikuma also pledged to “look into” the wisdom of running while holding scissors and playing Russian Roulette with fully loaded hand guns.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110329/ap_on_bi_ge/as_japan_earthquake;_ylt=AqGOpu9PvKLz0Dh77MPCoIys0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFoOGJ1Ymw0BHBvcwMyNwRzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX3RvcF9zdG9yaWVzBHNsawNqYXBhbnZvd3N0b3I-

HEADLINE – Toxic Waste Bars Have Hazardous Levels Of Lead, Recalled

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Scientists, morbid obesity, News, Nichola Tesla, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Rotwang, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on January 17, 2011 by paulboylan

LOS ANGELES –  Candy bars called “Toxic Waste Chew Bars” have been recalled because a sample lot was found to have high levels of lead – 0.24 parts per million, as opposed to the FDA tolerance of 0.1ppm.

“We clearly labeled those candy bars as Toxic Waste,” said Vinnie Slimp, Vice President of Marketing for Circle City Marketing and Distributors, producers of Toxic Waste Chew Bars.

Vinnie Slimp

“It states quite clearly on the wrapper that the ingredients include three kinds of lead, arsenic, dioxin, chromium 6, spent nuclear fuel and there is also a clear warning that the candy may contain traces of tree or ground nuts,” Slimp said.

“It isn’t our fault when someone ignores these clear warnings and actually eats that stuff,” Slimp concluded.


Circle City Marketing and Distributors  is also recalling  “Deadly Poison Gum Drops” which they also produce and market.

Both Toxic Waste Chew Bars and Deadly Poison Gum Drops are manufactured in China.

Source: http://www.ecoworld.com/agriculture/toxic-candy-bars-recalled-for-lead-content.html


HEADLINE – More Proof God Exists: Obese People More Likely To Die From Swine Flu

Posted in 3D, amusant, bacon, пицца, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Food, gülen yüz, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, Horrible Coincidences, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, Mysterious Mysteries, News, скарлетт йоханссон, pandemic, pork, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, snaaks, Stoats, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, פיצה, سياسة on January 9, 2011 by paulboylan


MUNCIE – Extremely obese individuals – those with a body mass index over 40 because they eat like pigs – have a significantly higher chance of dying from a H1N1 swine flu infection compared to people who do not eat like pigs, researchers revealed in the journal Clinical Infectious Diseases.

“This is more proof that God exists,” said Krista Schnurstein, a Bibleologist and Christian stand-up comedian.  “This joke took over a billion years to be told, which also illustrates God’s incredible patience.  The joke required humans and pigs to evolve, the H1N1 virus to evolve and be identified, as well as the process that eventually named it ‘swine flu.’ God’s majesty is truly apparent when you consider the slow evolution of the now universal comparison between fat people and pigs, resulting in this new research showing fat people more likely to die of swine flu – which is, essentially, a divine punch line,” Schnurstein concluded.

Advocates for the morbidly obese are more concerned about the emotional pain this new study will cause fat people. “Fat people are often made fun of by comparing them to pigs,” said Tina Finster, Director of Friends of Obese Dependents (FOOD), a non profit organization that lobbies on behalf of obese citizens trapped in their homes because they are too large to use ordinary doors. “We want to change the name of swine flu to something less insulting to fat people who contract that illness,” Finster said.

FOOD has polled its members to determine what term should be used to replace “swine flu.”  Based on the poll results, FOOD is sponsoring legislation that will require all state and federal government agencies to refer to swine flu by any of the following alternative names: cuddly-kitten flu, extra-crispy flu, chocolate-cake flu, fried-chicken flu, four-double-Whoppers-with-extra-cheese flu, or yes-I-want-fries-with-that flu.

A Grim Fairy Tale: THE SOMBER TURKEY

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Family and Friends, Fiction, Food, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, Our animal friends, Parody, Photography, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on November 14, 2010 by paulboylan

Most of you who visit here know that I am an attorney – and a happy one, content in my work and honored to be part of one of the Great Professions.

But before I shook the dust out of my brain and decided to make something of myself, I fancied myself a writer – or at least thought I would write professionally one day.

During that phase of my wasted youth I wrote a series of terrible and really inappropriate children’s stories I called Grim Fairy Tales.  They were told by Brother Grim, an old man who owned and operated a convenience store. One night a bad storm forced brother Grim and a small group of children to spend the night in Brother Grim’s store.  The lights and phone were out, so Brother Grim entertained them with stories told in the dark, while the wind and rain howled and rattled the windows.

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

What follows is one of those stories.  I post it every November as we North Americans get closer to our Thanksgiving feast – which invariably features a big roasted turkey.

It is that time of year again.  My friends, I give you…

The Somber Turkey

Once upon a time, outside of the Kingdom of Woodland, east of Winters, in the Land of California, there lived a happy turkey farmer named Hannigan.  He loved raising turkeys, killing them, and selling them – in part or in whole – to clients all over California – where turkey eating was a big thing, especially during Thanksgiving and Christmas.


On Hannigan’s turkey farm lived a happy turkey named Norman.  Norman was the happiest and most contented turkey the world had ever known because he was the biggest turkey anyone had ever seen.  Farmer Hannigan often brought other humans to marvel at Norman’s size and physical beauty.

“That’s gonna be some big turkey,” the human visitors would always say.

“Yep,” Farmer Hannigan would always reply.

Farmer Hannigan was happy, which made Norman happy. Norman was proud of the fact that he was so big and fat with lots of white meat, whatever that was.

The other turkeys knew how Norman felt, because he was always bragging about himself.

“I’m gonna be some big turkey!” he would say.

The other turkeys got fed up with Norman’s bragging.  One day Leonardo decided to do something about it.

Leonardo was not an especially big or happy turkey. Not being big didn’t make Leonardo unhappy.  He could give a rat’s ass about how big he was.  He didn’t buy into that neo-fascist farmcentric value system.  Leonardo was a fiery-eyed revolutionary with a strong interest in pragmatic Marxism.

Leonardo

“You are one fine, big turkey,” Leonardo said to Norman one day.

“Yes, I am,” Norman preened.

“You know what they’re going to do to you because you’re so big?” Leonardo asked.

“Admire me,” Norman said, meaning it.

“Sure they are.  They’re going to admire how good you taste,” Leonardo said.

“I beg your pardon?” Norman asked.

“They’re going to eat you, buddy.  In a couple of months they’re going to catch you, kill you, cut off your head, pull out all of your feathers and your internal organs, cook you and eat you, and they’re going to pick you first because you’re so big.  Lots of white meat.”

“Oh, my god!” Norman said.  “They’re going to eat me!”

Norman realizing the truth.

“You mean you didn’t know?”

“No!”

“Everyone else knows.  Why do you think that so many turkeys die while they’re drinking water?”

“Because they forget to breath?”

Leonardo laughed. “You believe that?  It’s a lie invented by the Man.  Have you ever forgotten to breath?”

“No.”

“Of course not. You got to be really stupid to forget to breath.”

“But we are pretty stupid.”

“No we’re not.  That’s just a lie to keep us down, to ruin our self esteem so we will be easy to exploit and so we won’t cause any trouble.  I’ll tell you why some turkeys die drinking water. Depression.  They’re depressed.  Why else do you think those other “stupid” things happen?  Why do you think some turkeys kill themselves by opening their throats in the rain and drowning?  Why do you think hens sit on their eggs so hard they break the eggs?”

“Oh my god, they’re killing their babies,” Norman said, in horror.

“Right.  They know what’s in store and they can’t take it. Would you want someone to eat your babies?”

“No,” Norman said.  “What can I do?” he asked, whispering in abject terror.

“Maybe I can get you out of here,” Leonardo said.  “On the outside there is an underground network of birds and humans who can take you to a place where you will be free.”

“Interested?”

“Of course!”

“Okay  I’ll see what I can do.”

Time went by.  Leonardo often spoke with Norman, teaching the bigger bird the truth about the world, teaching him hatred for the seemingly unbreakable power structure that doomed him and his race to be imprisoned, enslaved, slaughtered and devoured by killer apes.

“But remember,” Leonardo cautioned one night. “Not all humans are ravenous cannibals.  Some are good, and eat only plants and bugs.  These are the ones that help some of us get away.”

“How?” Leonardo asked in the star lit darkness.

“Every now and then there is a condition called Dark of the Moon, when there is no moon out and the darkness is as total as it can be.  During this time, a human jumps the fence and opens a big box. As many of us run in as we can.  We call it the Box of Freedom.”

“Just one box?”

“Yes, one box, but it is a big box, and it is better that some of us escape to keep the flames of hope burning.”

“I hope we both make it, brother,” Leonardo said.

“Me too, brother.  Me too.”

Then came the Dark of the Moon.  The turkeys were all quiet, making sure that there was no reason for Farmer Hannigan to investigate.

Suddenly the man with the box appeared.  He placed a big box on the ground and opened the side.

“This is it, brother!” Leonardo said, running.  Norman followed.

Leonardo made it into the box.  Norman didn’t get in before the man closed the box.

“Don’t worry, brother!” Leonardo cried from inside the box. “I’ll be waiting for you in paradise!”


But it didn’t happen.  The friendly human with the big box didn’t come back.  And Thanksgiving approached.  Leonardo was right – they came for Norman first.


Farmer Hannigan and his employees placed Norman in a big wooden crate built out of slats so that Norman could see and breathe.  Then Norman was carried to a truck, to an airport, into the belly of a jet, into another truck, and onto a large lawn next to a big white house.  Eventually, humans came to set up a lectern, chairs and cameras.  More humans came.  Some talked at the lectern in front of the crowd.

And then Norman’s cage was opened and gentle hands removed him from the crate.

“My god,” one human said.  “This had got to be the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s why the President is getting it,” another human said, not trying to make a joke.

Norman was brought to the front of the crowd.  One human in a black suit made a short speech to another man, also standing in front of the crowd.  Humans in the audience took pictures with still and video cameras.


And then Norman did it.  He thrust out his neck and tried to bite the man who wasn’t giving the speech.  Norman knew that he just couldn’t go gently into that good night.

The man giving the speech reached out, grabbed Norman’s long neck and choked Norman.  Other humans helped stuff Norman back into the crate.

“That is one feisty bird,” the President quipped, and the reporters laughed.


In those days it was customary for the President to display generosity, and pardon the White House Thanksgiving turkey.  So Norman was taken to a farm in Virginia, where he lived for the rest of his natural days.

Leonardo was not so lucky. He ended up as dinner for the man with the big box, who was nothing more than a thief who just couldn’t get over how stupid those turkeys were and how they would be so quite and just waddle into the box, as if they wanted to be eaten.

Which was, from the thief’s point of view, always possible.  After all, turkeys are so stupid.



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


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