[Republican conservative Jon Hubbard has come into thehspotlightIfor what some consider racist comments. In this frankly fictitious but candid interview, Representative Hubbard explains his views.]
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Mr. Hubbard you describe yourself as a “frustrated conservative.”
JON HUBBARD: Yep. I am a God fearing conservative Christian and I am frustrated.
POE: What frustrates you the most?
POE: I beg your pardon?
HUBBARD: You heard me. Negroes frustrate me the most. Hold on, hold on. Before you and your liberal commie friends get their panties in a bunch, let me explain that I don’t mean all negroes, just the ones that want to have the same rights as white people. You know – the uppity ones.
POE: Uppity black folk frustrate you?
HUBBARD: Yep. The ones that don’t know their place and think they are equal to white people.
POE: Black people aren’t equal to white people?
HUBBARD: Of course not. Any fool can see that. They are genetically inferior in every which way they can be. They are better at sports, I’ll concede that point, but they ain’t too bright. If it weren’t for free education and laws that give them the same employment rights as white folk, none of them would amount to much.
POE: You write in your book Confessions of a Frustrated Conservative:
“The institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise.”
HUBBARD: I sure did write that. It is a truth I hold to be self evident. Not like the one about all men being born equal. That isn’t self evident at all. What IS self evident is that people are NOT born equal.
POE: Why do you believe that the system of slavery was a good thing?
HUBBARD: Because negroes are much better off in America than they would have been if they hadn’t been captured and shipped to the United States. If they had been left in Africa they would be living in mud huts and some weird click language and eating bugs. But here in the United States they got food stamps they can use to buy watermelon, fried chicken and all the Kool-Aid and malt liquor they can drink. Compared to Africa, living in American poverty is paradise.
POE: I see.
HUBBARD: And they were better off under slavery than they are today being “free.”
POE: Can you explain?
HUBBARD: What are you, a retard? One of them mongolian retards? You got dropped on your head when you were born, boy? It is a self-evident truth that blacks were better off then than they are now. Back then when they were slaves they got fed and taken care of. They didn’t have to worry about caucasian problems like earning a living and going to school and learning how to read and voting. But that is all going to change.
POE: How so?
HUBBARD: There is a new revolution taking place. Conservative God fearing white Christians are rising up to take back America.
POE: How are they going to do that?
HUBBARD: Simple. First, defund public education. Turn all education over to businesses that run schools for profit. Let the free market take over.
POE: How will that solve the problem as you see it?
HUBBARD: You must be a retard, boy. You can’t see what is right in front of you. Let me try to put it simple so someone like you can understand: if there isn’t any publically funded education – or the public education that does exist is so underfunded that it can’t educate anybody – then only those with money will be able to afford to have their kids educated in expensive private schools, so only their children will be able to get good jobs. And most people who can afford to buy education are white. Sure, there are a lot of poor white folk out there who will get left behind, but the system will still favor them over poor blacks, so they should be happy. Nothing makes the unfortunate happier than some other group to look down on and feel superior to.
POE: But there are plenty of blacks who have money now, and they will be able to afford to pay the cost of educating their kids.
HUBBARD: There are fewer blacks with money than you realize. The Jeffersons and the Cosby Show are fantasies. Black people don’t live like that. It is a lie to make liberals feel good. And even if there are a few negroes who do have money, in a generation or two it won’t matter because it will be okay again to discriminate against them in the workplace. Their kids won’t get good jobs, so they won’t be able to afford to educate their kids, so those few blacks with money will slip back into poverty and illiteracy.
POE: But there are laws against economic discrimination.
HUBBARD: Oh yeah. You’re talking about them civil rights, aintcha? Well, we got that figured out too. A law is only as good as the government’s will to enforce it. Our program to pack every court with conservative judges is almost complete. Soon it won’t matter if a black person who has been discriminated against sues, because they won’t win. Ever. As I said, problem solved.
POE: And then what?
HUBBARD: As I said, the problem is solved. If they don’t work, they will starve and die, so they will do whatever they are told to do. It may not be called slavery, but it will look, sound, taste and smell exactly like it.
POE: Doesn’t this whole scheme conflict with your Christian values?
HUBBARD: Which ones?
POE: The Christian value of helping the poor. Your plan makes more people poor.
HUBBARD: Yes, but it primarily makes black people poor. And those greasy latinos. But we are doing it for their own good. They are like children that need to be taken care of. They are happier when someone else does all that hard thinking for them. Right now blacks who are educated and in the workforce doing complex and important jobs are miserable. And their inherent laziness makes them do a bad job, and that drags down our economy. Black folk aren’t suited for good jobs that pay well and include health and retirement benefits. They secretly yearn for a simpler time when white people were in charge and used a firm hand to maintain order. Bringing negroes back to that state of grace is a kindness that surely Jesus would have approved of.