Archive for the Get a job Category

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JON HUBBARD

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Brave New World, Captain America, Crazy People, Get a job, GOP, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, News, Politics, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , on October 7, 2012 by paulboylan

Jon Hubbard

[Republican conservative Jon Hubbard has come into thehspotlightIfor what some consider racist comments.  In this frankly fictitious but candid interview, Representative Hubbard explains his views.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Mr. Hubbard you describe yourself as a “frustrated conservative.”

JON HUBBARD:  Yep.  I am a God fearing conservative Christian and I am frustrated.

POE:  What frustrates you the most?

HUBBARD:  Negroes.

POE: I beg your pardon?

HUBBARD:  You heard me. Negroes frustrate me the most. Hold on, hold on. Before you and your liberal commie friends get their panties in a bunch, let me explain that I don’t mean all negroes, just the ones that want to have the same rights as white people. You know – the uppity ones.

POE: Uppity black folk frustrate you?

HUBBARD:  Yep. The ones that don’t know their place and think they are equal to white people.

POE:  Black people aren’t equal to white people?

HUBBARD:  Of course not.  Any fool can see that.  They are genetically inferior in every which way they can be.  They are better at sports, I’ll concede that point, but they ain’t too bright. If it weren’t for free education and laws that give them the same employment rights as white folk, none of them would amount to much.

POE:  You write in your book Confessions of a Frustrated Conservative:

“The institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise.”

HUBBARD:  I sure did write that.  It is a truth I hold to be self evident.  Not like the one about all men being born equal.  That isn’t self evident at all.  What IS self evident is that people are NOT born equal.

POE:  Why do you believe that the system of slavery was a good thing?

HUBBARD:  Because negroes are much better off in America than they would have been if they hadn’t been captured and shipped to the United States.  If they had been left in Africa they would be living in mud huts and some weird click language and eating bugs.  But here in the United States they got food stamps they can use to buy watermelon, fried chicken and all the  Kool-Aid and malt liquor they can drink.  Compared to Africa, living in American poverty is paradise.

POE:  I see.

HUBBARD:  And they were better off under slavery than they are today being “free.”

POE:  Can you explain?

HUBBARD:  What are you, a retard? One of them mongolian retards?  You got dropped on your head when you were born, boy?  It is a self-evident truth that blacks were better off then than they are now.  Back then when they were slaves they got fed and taken care of. They didn’t have to worry about caucasian problems like earning a living and going to school and learning how to read and voting.  But that is all going to change.

POE:  How so?

HUBBARD:  There is a new revolution taking place. Conservative  God fearing white Christians are rising up to take back America.

POE:  How are they going to do that?

HUBBARD:  Simple. First, defund public education.  Turn all education over to businesses that run schools for profit.  Let the free market take over.

POE:  How will that solve the problem as you see it?

HUBBARD:  You must be a retard, boy. You can’t see what is right in front of you.  Let me try to put it simple so someone like you can understand: if there isn’t any publically funded education – or the public education that does exist is so underfunded that it can’t educate anybody – then only those with money will be able to afford to have their kids educated in expensive private schools, so only their children will be able to get good jobs.  And most people who can afford to buy education are white.  Sure, there are a lot of poor white folk out there who will get left behind, but the system will still favor them over poor blacks, so they should be happy. Nothing makes the unfortunate happier than some other group to look down on and feel superior to.

POE:  But there are plenty of blacks who have money now, and they will be able to afford to pay the cost of educating their kids.

HUBBARD:  There are fewer blacks with money than you realize.  The Jeffersons and the Cosby Show are fantasies. Black people don’t live like that. It is a lie to make liberals feel good. And even if there are a few negroes who do have money, in a generation or two it won’t matter because it will be okay again to discriminate against them in the workplace.  Their kids won’t get good jobs, so they won’t be able to afford to educate their kids, so those few blacks with money will slip back into poverty and illiteracy.

POE: But there are laws against economic discrimination.

HUBBARD:  Oh yeah. You’re talking about them civil rights, aintcha?  Well, we got that figured out too.  A law is only as good as the government’s will to enforce it.  Our program to pack every court with conservative judges is almost complete.  Soon it won’t matter if a black person who has been discriminated against sues, because they won’t win.  Ever.  As I said, problem solved.

POE:  And then what?

HUBBARD: As I said, the problem is solved.  If they don’t work, they will starve and die, so they will do whatever they are told to do.  It may not be called slavery, but it will look, sound, taste and smell exactly like it.

POE: Doesn’t this whole scheme conflict with your Christian values?

HUBBARD:  Which ones?

POE:  The Christian value of helping the poor.  Your plan makes more people  poor.

HUBBARD:  Yes, but it primarily makes black people poor.  And those greasy latinos.  But we are doing it for their own good. They are like children that need to be taken care of. They are happier when someone else does all that hard thinking for them.  Right now blacks who are educated and in the workforce doing complex and important jobs are miserable. And their inherent laziness makes them do a bad job, and that drags down our economy.  Black folk aren’t suited for good jobs that pay well and include health and retirement benefits.  They secretly yearn for a simpler time when white people were in charge and used a firm hand to maintain order.  Bringing negroes back to that state of grace is a kindness that surely Jesus would have approved of.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PAUL RYAN

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Brave New World, Captain America, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Get a job, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, ανόητο άτομα, Mad Men, News, Occupy Mordor, Paul Ryan, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سياسة with tags , , , , on September 30, 2012 by paulboylan

[In this frankly fictitious interview, Congressman Paul Ryan – Mitt Romney’s choice for Vice President – talked with People of Earth about his recent refusal to discuss Mitt’ Romney’s tax proposals because it would take too long to explain.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Congressman Ryan, let’s cut to the chase.  You recently appeared on Fox News and refused to discuss yours and Mitt Romney’s tax proposals because it would take too long to explain.

RYAN:  That’s right.  When Mitt Romney and I are elected, within the first 100 days of our first term in office we will cut every American’s taxes by 20%.

POE: How will you do that?

RYAN:  We will do it by closing tax loopholes.

POE:  Which ones?

RYAN:  Isn’t America great, Paul?

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POE:  Hold on. Let’s not get distracted.

RYAN:  What? Do you deny that America is the greatest nation the world has ever seen?

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POE:  About your tax proposals –

RYAN:  It’s about freedom, Paul.

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The freedom to die in the street.

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POE:  Congressman Ryan, I will talk with you about freedom later –

RYAN:  Freedom is great.

POE:  No argument there.  But –

RYAN:  It is great to be free.

POE: How would you cut taxes 20% for all Americans?

RYAN:  Could you repeat the question?

POE: How would you cut taxes 20% for all Americans?

RYAN:  We would do it by eliminating tax loopholes.

POE:  Which ones?

RYAN: Which ones what?

POE: Which tax loopholes would you eliminate to cut every American’s taxes by 20%?

RYAN:  We would cut a lot of them.

POE:  Yes, but which ones?

RYAN:  Well, it would take a lot of time to answer that question, Paul, so I would rather not do it.

POE:  We have all the time in the world.  Please feel free to explain.

RYAN:  I have many demands on my time. I am busy trying to save America from being destroyed by a secret Muslim socialist baby killer.

POE:  Clearly, you are a busy man.  So let’s use what time we have left hearing your explanation of how you and Mitt Romney are going to cut taxes by closing tax loopholes.

RYAN:  The explanation involves a lot of math.

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POE:  Do you understand the math?

RYAN:  I sure do!  I have the reputation in congress of being a number cruncher.

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“I TOTALLY crunched these numbers, you crunching mother cruncher!”

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POE:  Good, then why don’t you explain what you understand?

RYAN:  Because, even though I understand it – because I am real smart – it would take too long for you to understand it.

POE:  I am real smart, too.

RYAN:  Not as smart as me.

POE:  I have advanced degrees in mathematics and economics.

RYAN:  There still isn’t enough time for me to explain it.

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POE:  So you just want America to take it on faith that you are right – without any explanation before the election.

RYAN:  Bingo. On the nose.  Yes, exactly.

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POE:  But why should we believe you?  You lied to us about running a marathon in record time.

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RYAN:  (Laughing) yeah, I did lie about that, didn’t I?  But this is different.  I’m telling the truth here.  Mitt and I have a great plan to cut taxes by closing tax loopholes and it is a great plan but it is too complex for the average voter to understand.

POE: Okay. Then let’s try to apply some basic math here.  You want to cut taxes by eliminating tax loopholes.  That doesn’t add up.

RYAN:  Sure it does.

POE:  No it doesn’t.  People use tax loopholes to cut their taxes, to pay less tax.  Eliminating a tax loophole will increase the taxes for people who rely on those loopholes.  So by eliminating tax loopholes you are just shifting the tax burden from one group to another.  Some may see a tax decrease, but others will see a tax increase.

RYAN:  Not if you cut spending.  If you cut spending, then the tax reductions won’t increase the deficit because we are spending less than we are taking in overall.

POE:  You are talking about trillions of dollars in spending cuts.

RYAN: (Pausing) uh huh.

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POE:  What spending are you going to cut?

RYAN:  Isn’t America great, Paul?

POE:  Don’t change the subject.  True or false: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  Can you repeat the question?

POE: Yes or no: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  You changed the question from “true or false” to “yes or no.”

POE:  I did that to make it easier for you to answer. Here is the question again – yes or no: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  Yes.

POE:  Yes or no:  without an increase in taxes or, in the alternative, a cut in spending, cutting taxes for the wealthy will cause further budget deficits.

RYAN: We prefer to call rich people “job creators.”

POE:  My question, again is – yes or no:  without tax increases or spending reductions, cutting taxes for the wealthy will cause further budget deficits.

RYAN:  Yes. President Obama failed to –

POE:  Yes or no:  if elected, you will not cut military spending, corporate welfare, tax breaks for oil companies, or federal give-aways to red states with Republican majorities, but will, instead, cut education funding, food and safety regulations, entitlement programs for the poor and elderly.

RYAN: No, that isn’t true.  We are going to save Medicare and social security.

POE:  But the rest is true?

RYAN: (Pausing) yes, but we are going to save Medicare and Social Security.

POE:  How are you going to do that.

RYAN:  It would take too long to explain.

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POE:  Yes or no:  you intend on “saving” Medicare and Social Security by privatizing them.

RYAN:  Yes, but we won’t be making any changes that will affect any people currently retired or about to retire.

POE:  What about people like me who have paid taxes our whole lives into the Medicare and Social Security system but who aren’t going to retire for at least ten years?

RYAN:  Oh. Well, people like you are shit out of luck.

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“I feel your pain, you poor, sick, homeless, irrelevant asshole. Get a job.”

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POE:  How so?

RYAN:  By the time you retire, the Medicare and Social Security systems as we now know them will have been abolished and replaced by a voucher system where every American gets a flat payment they can use for retirement living expenses or medical care.  Or they can invest that money in the stock market and become rich the way Mitt Romney and his rich friends have.

POE:  What if the stock market crashes after I converted my retirement and health care vouchers into stock?

RYAN:  Shit out of luck.

POE:  What if I keep the money, but my living expenses and medical care are higher than what the voucher covers?

RYAN:  Shit out of luck. But so what? That’s your fault for not working harder and saving more, or, if your stock investments tank, its your fault for not having enough money to hire expensive investment advisors like the kind Mitt Romney and I have to help us know when the stock market is going to crash so we can take our money out before that happens and make huge profits off of the backs of people like you who can’t afford the same level of financial advice and so couldn’t get their money out of the market before it crashes.  And it is going to crash. It always crashes.

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RYAN:  That’s how people like Mitt and me make our money. We buy low after a crash, then sell high right before the next crash.  This process essentially takes money out of your pocket and puts it in ours.  And we didn’t have to do anything other than hire someone to tell us when to buy and when to sell – people you can’t afford to hire.  The free market is a beautiful thing.  We get rid of Medicare and Social Security and give you a check instead to invest in the stock market. Then we take that money the government gave you when the stock market crashes and you lose that money you invested – to us!  We get richer, and better able to pay for the advice we need to do it again, and you get poorer and less able to pay for the kind of financial advice you need to avoid being a victim to the financial game that we are essentially forcing you to play but that we fixed to benefit us at your disadvantage!

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RYAN:  When the US government encouraged people to gamble with their retirement money by investing it in the stock market it resulted in the biggest redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the upper class in history!  We can do the same thing with Medicare and Social Security, and the beauty part is that these “vouchers” will be paid for with tax money – middle class tax money – being snatched out of the hands of elderly Americans and sucked right into the offshore tax sheltered secret bank accounts of the wealthy!

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It’s socialism in reverse! Instead of redistributing wealth downward from the rich back to the poor, it redistributes wealth upward!

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POE: So that is how you are going to save Medicare and Social Security?

RYAN:  Yup.

POE: By destroying it and replacing it with a voucher system that favors the rich at the expense of the middle class and poor?

RYAN:  We prefer the term “reform.”

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POE:  A distinction without a difference.

RYAN:  That is free market economics, baby!  It is what made American great. Well, to be honest – and, as we’ve determined in this interview, honesty does not come easy to me – free market economics made some Americans great, but not all.  And for a good reason. Someone has to be so afraid of starving to death and dying of preventable disease to work for near starvation wages and be grateful for it in order for a very small group of people who don’t work at all to be super rich forever.

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If they get hungry enough, they will be satisfied with less.

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RYAN:  That is how every system that allowed a small group of people to get rich and stay rich has worked through the ages.  Something went wrong here in America, but Mitt and I – joined with a Senate and House of Representatives controlled by social conservatives – will set it right.  I mean, look at China!  They have what we want:  a huge group of serfs without health insurance of any kind working hard for virtually nothing to make less than 1% of the Chinese population rich!

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RYAN: Sure, you get the occasional peasant riot in factories, that are more like prisons with barbed wire fences and guard towers around them, but look at how the Chinese deal with those ingrates – they round them up, throw them in real prisons where they make them work, this time for no pay, and then sell their internal organs to rich people all over the world who get the best medical care their money can pay for so they can live on virtually forever.

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RYAN:  Look at Dick Cheney!  He should have died years ago.  For a while he didn’t even have a heartbeat!  But he is rich!  We are so close. So close to getting that for everyone who counts, who matters – the job creators.

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RYAN:  It is so close.  But with voter suppression efforts, voter vigilante gangs that will harass minority voters at the polls, and with the grace of God, we will win this election and the revolution will be an accomplished fact.  This may be our last chance.  If Obama wins, he will improve education, which means the average voter is more likely to see through the bullshit I am spouting and realize that I want to use Big Government to make me and my rich friends even richer and to impose an economic system on America that is the modern equivalent of feudalism where workers have no rights and the poor are free to die, and where the wealthy ruling class uses modern technology to suppress dissent by listening to phone calls and reading emails and text messages to find the potential leaders of any popular revolt and have them arrested because they are terrorists trying to overthrow the political system oppressing and enslaving them.

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RYAN: We are so close. Everything is in place.  We have the legislation we need to suppress dissent. The vast majority of the population is now dependent on electronic means of communications like phones and the internet; there are CCTV cameras everywhere, which means we have everyone under surveillance. We control the Supreme Court.  The Press is now irrelevant as a watchdog.  We are about to take over congress and the executive office. We won’t get a chance like this again for a generation, if ever.  So this is it. We have to take advantage of a stupid, undereducated electorate before steps are taken to teach them critical thinking skills.

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Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Get a job, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, News, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Orcs, Paying Attention, People who suffer from abject pretension, Politics, Pop Culture, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 21, 2012 by paulboylan

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Goths in Trees

Posted in And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, Get a job, Internet Fun!, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, 스타게이트유니버스, Justin Bieber, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, urinary tract infections, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, טילים on January 4, 2012 by paulboylan

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I don’t have the words to go beyond what you will see and read when you click on the following link:

http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/ 

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WONDERFUL NEWS!!!

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, Get a job, Getting it Right, Kim Kardashian, News, ученые, Paying Attention, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, טילים, פיצה on December 20, 2011 by paulboylan

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Must See (SO cute)!!!

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Get a job, Isnt nature wonderful?, ανόητο άτομα, Our animal friends, What are you sick or something? on October 20, 2011 by paulboylan


Click on the photo:

BOEHNER POINTS THE FINGER

Posted in Barry Goldwater, Corruption, Crime and Punishment, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Get a job, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, IN MEMORIAM, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Money and Power, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA! on July 26, 2011 by paulboylan



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