Archive for the Is that really Ellie Goulding? Category

STUPID NEWS – Train kills disabled vets attending parade for disabled vets

Posted in And now the snorting starts, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, смешной, Small Town America, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on November 18, 2012 by paulboylan

One of the hallmarks of modern journalism is the growing proliferation ofhstupid news./  Especiallyhon the internet./

Recently in Texas a train hit a float in a parade honoring wounded/disabled war veterans. Some of the disabled veterans on that parade float were killed in the accident.

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Here is a follow-up story:

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Well, that is a huge relief.  If the float was rented, those vets might have lost their deposit – and what a tragedy that might have been.

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STUPID UPDATE!!

 

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HEADLINE – IRANIAN OFFICIAL CANCELS CANADIAN TRIP

Posted in Ahmadinejad, bacon, Canada, Geopolitical Insults, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, ανόητο άτομα, Joseph Bleckman, News, Politics, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים on September 8, 2012 by paulboylan

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MUNCIE – A top Iranian official has canceled his Canadian vacation plans to protest Canada’s recent decision to sever diplomatic ties between Canada and Iran.

“I was going to go to Banff to take in some skying, but screw that now,” said Osama bin Pharten, the Iranian Minister of Counterfeiting and Money Laundering.  “As far as I am concerned Canada is no longer a vacation destination for me or my family,” bin Pharten said.

“And their bacon is stupid,” he added.

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A Grim Fairy Tale – THE GHOST DANCE

Posted in End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Fire and Ice, Grim Fairy Tales, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, скарлетт йоханссон, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags on August 18, 2012 by paulboylan

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Hello, children. Would you like to hear a story?

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THE GHOST DANCE

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It began as a television show: a dance contest with a Native American theme, financed with Native American money accumulated slowly over the years from slot machine and roulette revenues.

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Auditions were held in New York, Boston, Chicago, Denver, Seattle, Houston, Kansas City, San Francisco and lost Angeles. Contestants from all walks of life were asked to perform a complex set of steps called “the Ghost Dance”.

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The competition was fierce.  The dance itself was hypnotic. The show was a hit – outperforming every program in its time slot and eventually becoming the most popular television show in America.

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In its 3rd season, the show began promoting what it called “Ghost Dance Day” during which the show’s growing television audience was invited to join in the fun. The goal was to get as many people as possible performing the Ghost Dance simultaneously.

Each year thereafter as the show’s popularity grew, so did Ghost Dance Day, with people all over America – from New York to San Diego – performing the steps of the Ghost Dance simultaneously. The producers of the show had tapped into the power of dance to build a sense of community.

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And the movement spread. People all over the world began to celebrate the Ghost Dance Day.  Even the world’s poorest people petitioned their government’s to furnish them with television or Internet access that would allow them to both view the competition and participate in Ghost Dance Day.

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Pundits both great and small endlessly analyzed the Ghost Dance phenomenon.

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Scholarly papers were written about the psycho/social elements of the dance’s  unbelievable popularity. But, despite all this intellectual attention, virtually no one looked very closely at the historical roots of the Ghost Dance – other than a few anthropologists and historians, whose warnings were ignored and classified as an element of the egg-head racist lunatic fringe.

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In its 8th year, the show’s producers boasted that Ghost Dance Day would see over 4 billion people dancing together.

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Nobody knows if that boast was realized. Nobody knows the exact number of people needed to fulfill Sitting Bull’s dream. All we know is that, all over the world, the skies grew dark, the earth trembled, and the dead returned.  The Ancestors returned and destroy the works of European civilization in Africa, Melanesia and the Americas, fulfilling cargo cult prophecies and millenaristic dreams.

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MORAL OF THE STORY:  dance shows are bad.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_Dance

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HEADLINE – MUTANT BUTTERFLIES FOUND AT JAPANESE NUCLEAR DISTASTER SITE

Posted in End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Japan, Monsters, News, photograph, Photography, Science, The Wrath of God, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, بشار الاسد with tags , , , , , on August 15, 2012 by paulboylan

 

HOW NEWS REALLY WORKS

Posted in American Decline, amusant, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Photography, Politics, snaaks, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on May 29, 2012 by paulboylan

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FEELING STUPID AND NOT ENJOYING IT (not even a little bit)

Posted in Is that really Ellie Goulding?, ανόητο άτομα, People who suffer from abject pretension, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه on May 22, 2012 by paulboylan

Okay, peeps, so here I am, perusing  the news on the Internets, and I come across this headline:

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Yep. That’s right:  “Prudent Structures Should Help Washington Muni Transport Deal.”

WTF does that mean? I have no idea, and that bothers me.

It bothers me because I fancy myself a Master of the Universe.  Because I am.  Seriously.  I am one of the most informed people on earth, and I use information to project power.  And I do that every day, casually, and I do it well.

But I have no idea what this headline means. None whatsoever.

Is it some kind of joke?  If it was a joke, I would laugh.  I would laugh and laugh and laugh, and then go drink French champaign with my wife (as is our custom and habit) at the end of the day to celebrate another day of economic security.

But it isn’t a joke. I can feel it. Somewhere, there is some other even more powerful Master of the Universe who read that headline and said: “Really? Well, that is a relief.”  And I have no idea why it would be a relief. I have no idea what any of it means at all.

And that bothers me.

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HEADLINE – Chicago prepares for NATO summit

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Cinema, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Movies, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Occupy Mordor, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Rage Against the Machine, snaaks, Stupid People, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on May 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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MUNCIE, Indiana –  Chicago police are preparing as best they can for protests against the pending summit of the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO) that begins tomorrow.

“NATO sucks!” shouted Jason Rabinowitz, a protester protesting NATO policy.

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“We don’t understand,” said Raj Hempstead, President of NATO.  “We know the price of popcorn is ridiculously high, but does it really warrant rock throwing and people lighting themselves on fire in protest?”

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 “Look, we will lower the price.  We’ll lower the price of all movie theater concessions. Like Milk Duds.  We will lower the price of Milk Duds.  Just please stop yelling,” Hempstead said.

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AWFUL FORTUNE

Posted in amusant, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, космическая девушка, Food, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on May 5, 2012 by paulboylan

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I don’t know about you, but I expect a little more from my fortune cookies.

For example:

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WHAT IS ART?

Posted in 3D, amusant, And now the snorting starts, Art, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, dada, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Fair Use, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Monsters, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, snaaks, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on May 3, 2012 by paulboylan


I often ask the question “what is art?”  A day doesn’t go by that I don’t ask myself that question over and over again.  

I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and have a large list of questions I ask my self over and over again, primarily because I can’t help myself: that is the nature of OCD – those with the disorder cannot help doing things over and over and over again.  For example, in addition to asking myself “what is art?” I also habitually ask myself “why is a second as long as it  is?”  Seriously. Why?  Why is a second as long as it is?  Who decided?

But I digress. In the same manner that I am fascinated with the history of seemingly arbitrary units of measurement, I am also fascinated by the question of what makes art different from stuff that isn’t art.

After long and obsessive (if not compulsive) pondering, I have concluded that art communicates.  Art has something to say. If it doesn’t have anything to say, then it isn’t art.

Art is a conversation that is multidimensional.  It is a conversation between the artist and viewer.  The conversation can be intellectual.

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It can be emotional.

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And the art people choose to put up in their homes communicates volumes about the person who acquired that art.

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Allow me to attempt to illustrate my thesis with an example drawn from my own life.  Below is a painting my wife purchased for our home.

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Beautiful, isn’t it? This painting is an extremely good example of my wife’s personality.  When I see it on the wall I smile and think of her.

Below is a painting that I recently purchased because it spoke to me. When I a saw it I knew I had to have it.  I wanted to look up and see it in my home.  And, I suspect that my decision to purchase this painting says a great deal about me.

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I can imagine your reaction. You think I’m kidding.  You’ve read my blog and think this is some kind of joke.  It isn’t a joke.  I bought that painting.  Here it it up on my family room wall:

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I just love it. When I look at it I smile because of the multidimensional message it communicates.

The most amazing thing, however, about my new painting is that my wife agreed to let me put it up at all.  I think she did it because the pleasure it provides me is greater than the deep revulsion she feels when she looks at it.

I’ve decided to push my luck.  I’ve found a new painting that I simply must have. I must own it and must place it on a wall within my home.  I love it because it speaks directly to my appreciation for those intrepid 19th Century artists who left civilization to travel through the America West to chronicle the Native American, or “the Noble Savage” as those artists called them.

I found a painting of a Noble Savage – sitting proud and noble – on his trusty Uniclown.

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I simply must own it.

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HEADLINE – Obama ate a dog

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Dogs, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann Crazy, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on April 18, 2012 by paulboylan

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 I take full responsibility and credit for this rumor./ 

 

UPDATE:

That dog had it coming, man.

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HEADLINE – Colonoscopy Patients Opt for Painless Approach

Posted in Antique surgical instruments, Astronomy, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Headline, Headlines, health care, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Missile Defense, News, Politics, Religion and Politics on March 20, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE – Physicians and health care professionals all over the world are mystified as to why so many patients who undergo a colonoscopy opt for a painless procedure.

“I don’t get it,” Dr. Hans Gruber, a Gastroenterologist with the Sam Houston Institute of Technology, confessed. “I always discuss both procedures with my colonoscopy patents – the painless approach and the one that hurts like hell.  Overwhelmingly, my patients choose the painless procedure.”

“The German doctors who pioneered the colonoscopy designed the procedure to inflict as much pain as possible,” said Dr. Krista Schnurstein, a painful medical procedure historian with the Friendlyy Foundation. “The theory was that patients at risk of cancer or bowel disease would benefit medically by being absolutely terrified.”

“People get sick by choice,” said Rick Santorum, ultra conservative Republican candidate for President of the United States.  “Especially poor, lazy people.  That’s why I am against any kind of socialized medicine that provides medical care to the poor. It will only encourage them to get sick so they can eat free hospital food,” Santorum said.

“Thats why I get a rigid sigmoidoscopy once every other week. I make my wife and kids get one, too,” Santorum bragged.  “Does it hurt? Heck yes, it hurts.  But pain is natural. It is part of life.  And, truth be told, I sort of enjoy it.”

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When Pigs Fly

Posted in Ahmadinejad, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bacon, Celebrity, Food, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, when pigs fly, 滑稽, פיצה, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار on February 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Goths in Trees

Posted in And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, Get a job, Internet Fun!, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, 스타게이트유니버스, Justin Bieber, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, urinary tract infections, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, טילים on January 4, 2012 by paulboylan

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I don’t have the words to go beyond what you will see and read when you click on the following link:

http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/ 

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My Bananahead Nightmare (continued)

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Artists Rights, Banana, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, Mysterious Mysteries, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, The Great State of Montana!, urinary tract infections, Weird Stuff on December 13, 2011 by paulboylan

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Apparently, some of you out there misconstrue my prior post’s serious nature.  I really am not kidding.  There is something about people putting bananas on their head that creeps me out. Big time.

I felt the GIF of Freddy Mercury fondling a bunch of bananas on his head would be horrifying enough. But it wasn’t.  So I am forced to show you the true extent of this sick perversion.

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CAN’T. STOP. LAUGHING.

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Crime and Punishment, Evil Smiley Face, good guys and bad guys, Horrible Coincidences, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, It's not what you think, ανόητο άτομα, Joseph Bleckman, News, Paying Attention, Photography, similarity, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, zombies, טילים on October 4, 2011 by paulboylan

HEADLINE – Scarlett Johansson cellphone pictures aren’t all that smart phone hackers are after

Posted in bilim adamları, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, скарлетт йоханссон, ученые, Photography, rimshot wav download, Rotwang, The Wilhelm Scream, טילים on September 30, 2011 by paulboylan

Actress Scarlett Johansson

SANTA MONICA, California – Hackers who broke into movie star Scarlett Johansson’s cellphone and stole nude photos of her admit that they want more than just pictures showing Johansson naked.

“We also want to have sex with her,” admits Ted Hinklehoffer, hacker spokesperson.

Hinklehoffer provided the statement from his secret lair in his mother’s basement.

Source:  http://news.yahoo.com/scarlett-johansson-cellphone-pictures-arent-smart-phone-hackers-164343913.html

HEADLINE – ‘Inherently racist’ bake sale by UC Berkeley set for Tuesday

Posted in Arab Spring, Barry Goldwater, dada, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, News, The Wilhelm Scream, Uncategorized, טילים on September 27, 2011 by paulboylan

FRESNO, California – The University of California, Berkeley, will  be holding its seventh annual Inherently Racist Bake Sale to raise funds for environmental projects.

The tasty treats offered for sale will include Buckra Crackers (sort of bland and very expensive; they come with a side of mayonnaise),  Jigaboo Chews, Wop Drops, Spic on a Stick, Chocolate Frogs (coco treats shaped like Frenchmen), Hymie-Limeyade (a refreshing citrus beverage served by a Rabbi with an English accent ) and Fig Gobbler Cobbler.

Lunch items will also be available, such as the always popular Jap Wrap and Seppo Salad.

Complementary Bamboo Coon balloons will be given out to children.

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/27/us/california-racial-bake-sale

HEADLINE – Binge drinking impairs memory in women

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Moral Rights, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, News, neşeli, смешной, Research and Development, Science, snaaks, Stupid People, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on July 17, 2011 by paulboylan

They won't remember a thing.

MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.

“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.

The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found at http://www.duh.edu.

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SOURSE:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14154404

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SUCH A DEAL

Posted in End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Internet Fun!, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes on July 8, 2011 by paulboylan

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This is a real advertisement I found on the internet. I bet lots and lots of people jumped at the opportunity for such big savings.

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HEADLINE – Man accused of sexually assaulting unconscious woman on sidewalk

Posted in Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Stupid People, Travel, What are you sick or something? on July 7, 2011 by paulboylan

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Sometimes, a news story is just too – special – to even attempt altering.  This is one:

http://www.kansascity.com/man-accused-h

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The excuse he offers in the last sentence of the first paragraph doesn’t help rectify his situation.  It may be an explanation, but it is hardly an exculpatory or even mitigating excuse.

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It made me laugh

Posted in Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, Science, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something? on July 3, 2011 by paulboylan

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Ellie Goulding falling off a Segway

Posted in Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Photography, Rage Against the Machine, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 19, 2011 by paulboylan

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I have nothing to add.

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HEADLINE – TESTICLE FESTIVAL HUGE SUCCESTICLE

Posted in 3D, And now the snorting starts, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, buffo, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Food, Fritz Lang, Globalization, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Life, Mad Men, music, News, Nichola Tesla, скарлетт йоханссон, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Rotwang, Science Fiction, Small Town America, snaaks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson on June 15, 2010 by paulboylan

Photographer: Karen Combs 2010

Photographer: Karen Combs 2010

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OLEAN, MO. – The Olean Festival Commission has declared this year’s Testicle Festival to be most successful testicle festival in the 17 years that Olean has hosted a testicle festival. “Attendance this year broke all prior attendance records,” said Gunther Haas, the primary organizer of this year’s Testicle Festival. “People traveled from as far away as Henley to participate in the testicle themed festivities.”

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Good, clean testicle related fun.

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In addition to the many testicle related food items being offered, this year’s Testicle Festival featured a Testicle Festival Parade, a Testicle Festival Pancake Breakfast, with testicle shaped pancakes and free testicle shaped balloons for the kids, and a testicle eating contest.

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A number of testicle-themed rides and educational exhibits also contributed to this year’s Testicle Festival’s unprecedented success.

“We got a roller-coaster called the Testicle Express that is sure to give a thrill,” said Travis Jode, Honorary Mayor of Olean’s 17th Annual Testicle Festival. “And for the kids we have a giant testicle you can walk through and learn all about testicles.”

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But the one thing that sets this year’s Testicle Festival apart from all other testicle festivals was the variety of testicles offered for consumption.

“Bull testicles are great,” said Sue Ellen Plavin, this year’s Testicle Queen.


“But you can get bull testicles at any testicle festival.  That’s where we’re different.  At the Olean Testicle Festival you can enjoy all sorts of testicles ranging from goat and sheep and pig and turkey to more exotic testes like squirrel, possum and frog, which I can tell you are simply delicious.  And I hear tell that somewhere around here you can score some kangaroo balls,” Plavin said and smiled. “I bet you can’t get kangaroo ‘nads at the Russelville Testicle Festival. No siree bob.”

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Good, clean testicle related fun.

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Space Chicks Speaking German

Posted in Brave New World, космическая девушка, космическая девушка space girl, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 스타게이트유니버스, ανόητο άτομα, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים on November 18, 2009 by paulboylan

It’s hypnotic….

PLEASE DON’T EAT MY BRAIN, HEIDI KLUM

Posted in disembodied heads of the rich and famous, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fashion Forward, Food, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), good guys and bad guys, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Joseph Bleckman, ученые, Paying Attention, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, zombies, سياسة on September 13, 2009 by paulboylan

Yes, she is beautiful, but I think she is a zombie.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: BARAK OBAMA

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Crazy People, Dogs, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Mad Men, Michele Bachmann, News, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on July 28, 2009 by paulboylan

Barak Obama

[In this frankly fictitious interview, President Barak Obama agrees to sit down with People of Earth and discussed rumors spread by his political opponents in an attempt to demonize him.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Mr. President, may I call you “Barak?”

PRESIDENT BARAK OBAMA:  Sure. It’s great to be here.

POE:  After this interview, can I refer to you as “one of my peeps?”

OBAMA:  [Laughs] Why not?

POE: Great. Thanks. Mr. President – Barak – as you know, I write a blog that is read by at least five people, and some of them have  concerns about both you and your presidency.

OBAMA:  I am happy to answer any questions your readers have.

POE: Let’s start with the claim that you are a socialist.

OBAMA:  I suppose I am a socialist.

POE:  You’re admitting it just like that?

OBAMA:  [Smiling] yes, just like that.

POE:  Okay, what about the persistent rumor that you were born in Kenya?

OBAMA:  That’s true.  I was born in Kenya. My Hawaii birth certificate is a fake.


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POE:  Doesn’t that disqualify you for the presidency?

OBAMA:  I suppose so.  Next question.

POE:  Um [ shuffling of paper]… there is a persistent rumor that you are a Muslim. Is that true?

OBAMA:  It sure is, Paul. Allah akbar, death to America, and all that.

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POE:  One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – believes you are the Anti-Christ.


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POE:  That is absolutely true, Paul. First of all, if you read your Bible you will see that I fit the description of the Anti-Christ.

.

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POE:  If you are a Muslim, what are you doing reading the Bible?

.

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OBAMA:  [Good natured laughter.] Okay, you got me there, Paul.  I haven’t actually read the Bible, but I have seen all of the television specials.

POE:  Aren’t you worried about admitting all this stuff?

OBAMA:  Nope. Not a bit.

POE:  Why not?

OBAMA:  Because the people spreading these rumors are crazy.  I should point out they are kooks.  If I am not mistaken, they are a brick short of a load.  A combination plate short of a taco.  A few clowns short of a circus. They have a screw loose.

POE:  Mr. President –

OBAMA:  In fact, in some cases, they are a couple of cards short of a full deck. They are two fries short of a happy meal.  A few trucks short of a convoy.  Five cans sort of a six pack.

POE:  What about –

OBAMA:  These people are nuttier than a fruitcake. For example, the lights are on but nobody is home. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. They are knitting with only one needle. They are not firing on all cylinders. They are driving on only three wheels.

POE:  Maybe we should -

OBAMA:  Look, these are the same people who believe the moon landing was faked and that there is a secret world government using black helicopters to spy on people. My accusers are ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag, which means no one is going to believe them – even though this time they are right.  For example, this happened at a town hall meeting held by a town hall meeting held by a prominent Republican congresman:

POE:  That really happened? It wasn’t staged by an internet video comedy group?

OBAMA:  It really happened.

POE:  That lady sounded crazy.

OBAMA:  They all sound, look, smell, walk, talk and breath crazy. No one – and I mean no one – is going to believe them.  Here is another example. Do you know who Alan Keyes is?

POE:  The crazy black guy who ran against you for senator of Illinois and keeps running for president?

OBAMA:  That’s the one.  He hired an attorney from California to file lawsuits to get me removed from the presidency because I am foreign born.  Here is Keys and his attorney appearing on CNN.  Please keep in mind this next video was posted on Youtube by people who want to prove I was born in Kenya:


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POE:  Keys didn’t sound all that bad.

OBAMA:  Granted. But did you see his attorney?  Her eyes move around independently like some kind of lizard.

OBAMA: The vid edited out all the times she interrupted everyone else. Her name is Orly Taitz and, as the screens hows, she is a dentist, a real estate agent – and she got her law degree from the – get this – William Howard Taft University in Santa Anna, California, and was admitted to practice law in 2002.  So she’s been a practicing attorney for about seven years.  According to http://www.obamaconspiracy.org/2009/01/dr-orly-taitz/ she is calling for the the United States military to rise up against me and form a new government:

“Obama “truth” squad and people like Secretary of State of Ohio Jennifer Brunner and all the others that have been collaborating with this Gestapo-SS establishment, they all should and would be tried in Nurenberg style trials for harassing, intimidating, blackmailing and terrorizing fellow citizens, for defrauding the whole country. Patriots of this country didn’t fight and defeat Nazi Germany to end up with Obamas, McCuskill, Soros, Brunner and the rest of this squad. I hope that the men in this country, particularly in our military will finally revolt against this travesty of Justice. If our government and our elected officials and our judiciary have failed us, then it is time for the new government, new elected officials and a new judiciary.”

POE:  Mr. President, I admit she seems a bit – unusual – but I don’t see what you are getting at.

OBAMA:  My point is – is  this the best Keyes can do?  I am sure Ms. Taitz is a fine dentist and real estate agent, but she has only been practicing law a few years and, she looks and sounds like she is – let me put it this way: these people could point up and yell “the sky is blue!’ and no one would believe them.  So they want to call me a socialist or a communist or the anti-christ?  Be my guest.  The people trying to prove I wasn’t born here couldn’t have chosen a worse spokesperson to represent them.

POE:  Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

OBAMA:  Okay, I’m listening.

POE:  Maybe Keyes intentionally chose her because -

OBAMA:  [Encouraging] yes?

POE:  - because you and Keyes are really working together!

OBAMA: [Smiling and nodding] At this juncture I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.


Coconspirators? The rumors are flying.

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POE:  But it makes sense and explains so much!  Both you and Keys are black. Both of you are from Illinois. Both of you enjoy pasta puttanesca.

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OBAMA:  We also are both Freemasons.

POE:  Really?

OBAMA:  [Laughing]  No, not really.

POE:  Are there any rumors out there that bother you?

OBAMA:  Well, there is a persistent rumor that I eat puppies.


POE:  They accuse me of eating puppies, too!


"It was this big. But it got away."
“It was this big. But it got away.”

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OBAMA:  In my case, though, the rumor is true. I do eat puppies.


So?
So?

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POE:  So do I!


Lunch
Lunch

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OBAMA:  No kidding. I appreciate that.  Okay, in your option, what is the best part?

POE:  The front paws, of course. Deep fried.


I know this little place in Manilla.
I know this little place in Manilla.

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OBAMA:  I prefer the tongue.


POE:  Not me. Too chewy.

OBAMA:  Not if you cook it right.


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POE:  Well, that’s about all the time we have. I would like to thank Barak Obama – puppy eating, socialist, foreign born muslim anti-christ – for speaking with us today.

OBAMA: Hey, Paul, how about lunch?

POE:  Sure, why not?


God help us.

God help us.

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