Archive for the It's not what you think Category

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PROFESSOR X BOYLAN

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Australia, Early-onset dementia, Fiction, Geopolitical Insults, Hapax Legomenon, Horrible Coincidences, It's not what you think, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, بشار الاسد, سكارليت جوهانسون on June 7, 2015 by paulboylan

CATS FLOATING

 

John Birmingham is a prolific writer who’s most recent three novels – Emergence, Resistance and Ascendance – tell the story of how an oil drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico drills so deep that it accidentally breaks the “cap stone” separating our world from a demon hoard that once ruled the earth and used people for food.  They plan on reconquering the surface world only to discover that humans aren’t the timid, frightened “cattle” they were thousands of years ago, but have evolved from helpless savages into a global technological civilization with weapons that seem like magic to the invading demons.

 

kill dragon

 

And the demon hoard didn’t count on Dave Hooper, an oil rig worker, becoming the demon-killing champion of Humankind.

 

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Dave Hooper carrying Lucille.

 

Professor X. Boylan  is a fictional character depicted in Resistance, the second novel in the series.

 

Resistance

Resistance

 

We were fortunate enough to locate and interview Paul Nicholas Boylan, the real life basis for the fictional character.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Welcome Mr. Boylan.  Thank you for coming here today.

PAUL NICHOLAS BOYLAN: No problem, Chief.

POE: We here at People of Earth are big fans of John Birmingham’s novels and we feel his most recent  “technology v. magic” Dave Hooper novels are possibly the best Birmingham has written.

PNB:  Yeah, that’s what people are telling me.

POE:  You haven’t read these books yet?

PNB:  I’m waiting for the graphic novel adaptations to come out.

POE:  Why?

PNB:  ‘Cause I like comic books.

 

LostInSpaceAnnuals

POE:  Aren’t you at all curious about Professor X. Boylan, the character you inspired?

PNB:  Let me explain somethin’ here, Chief. It is sort of my policy, if you will, to not read any of the books that have characters based on yours truly.

POE:  Why not?

PNB: I got my reasons.

POE:  Are there other characters based on you?

PNB:  Yeah.  I’m sort of like a “muse” if you know what I mean.

POE:  What other authors have you inspired?

PNB:  Dean Koonz put me in Odd Thomas and that grenade launcher put me in Fifty Shades of Grey.

POE:  Which characters?

PNB:  I’m not sure but I’m told I’m in there.

POE:  I haven’t read either of those books –

PNB:  Me neither.

POE: – but let’s compare Professor X. Boylan to the real you.

PNB: Knock yourself out, Chief.

POE:  To start out with, this is you.

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Paul Nicholas Boylan

PNB:  Hey, thanks for not using one of my mug shots.

POE:  And this is what Professor X. Boylan is supposed to look like.

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Professor X. Boylan

PNB:  I got no complaints.

POE:  Nellie over at  onebooktwo.wordpress.com reviewed Resistance and said

Professor X Boylan, attorney at law, is an interesting character.  He’s obviously brilliant, but he’s also an attorney, which makes him a wordsmith.  He is very funny without meaning to be funny.

PNB: Funny?

POE:  Oh yes. Hilarious.  Nellie, also at onebooktwo.wordpress.com, wrote “Boylan make great comic relief.”

PNB: What the fuck does that mean?

POE:  It means the character based on you is funny.

PNB: What do you mean I’m funny?

POE: It’s funny, you know. Your character is a funny guy.

PNB: Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it?

POE: Just, you know, you character is funny.

PNB: Let me understand this, ’cause, ya know maybe it’s me, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown?

 

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POE:  No, not like a clown –

PNB: I amuse you? I make you laugh? What do you mean funny? How am I funny?

POE: Just… you know, your character –

PNB: No, no, I don’t know.  You said I’m funny. How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what’s funny.

Disgruntled Republican

POE:  Nothing. Nothing is funny about you at all, and I apologize for implying anything at all that you find objectionable.  Truth be told, you are actually more similar to Joe Pesci’s character, Tommy, in the movie Goodfellas.

PNB:  Nope. Much as I’d like to, I can’t take credit for that. Nick and Marty came up with that all on their own.

POE:  Well, that’s a fucking relief.

 

people of earth

HEADLINE: RANDOM SHOOTINGS DON’T BOTHER KANSAS CITY DRIVERS

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Headline, Headlines, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Kansas City, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on April 12, 2014 by paulboylan

Kansas City Drivers

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (Ass. Press) – Several shootings have targeted apparently random vehicles along a tangle of interstate highways in south Kansas City, but it doesn’t seem to have rattled area drivers, who say they’ll stick with their normal routes.

“I live in Kansas City,” said Steven Murphy, a local commuter. “Getting shot at might be the best thing that happens to me all day.”

“Heck, I invite being targeted by a sniper,” said Linda Kromthip, another Kansas City resident driver. “I have a bumper sticker that says ‘I Hate Violent Blacks and Jews.’ I know it is a long shot, but who knows? I might get lucky.”

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AN UNFORTUNATE MISTRANSLATION

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, greannmhar, health care, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Missile Defense, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, pork, rimshot wav download, Russia, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on June 2, 2012 by paulboylan

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THE MARK OF THE BEAST

Posted in 3D, And now the snorting starts, Brave New World, Headline, Headlines, It's not what you think, News, ученые, Religion and Politics, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, What are you sick or something?, بشار الاسد, سكارليت جوهانسون on March 21, 2012 by paulboylan

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THE END IS NEAR(ER)!

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Click on image to enlarge for easier reading.

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Actually, that seems kind of cool.

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A Grim Fairy Tale – BOXING DAY

Posted in And now the snorting starts, boxing day, Cowboys and Aliens, Crime and Punishment, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, Grim Fairy Tales, Horrible Coincidences, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, 스타게이트유니버스, love, Missile Defense, ученые, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Small Town America, Sports, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, טילים on December 30, 2011 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a true story?

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BOXING DAY

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Jennifer. Jennifer lived in a place known far and wide as the City of Angels, which Jennifer liked because she considered herself a Born Again Christian, and living in a city of angels was fine by her.

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Jennifer lived with a man named Robert.  They met in church and were married a year later.  The day after their first Christmas together, she found Robert’s secret briefcase hidden in the apartment bedroom closet.

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The briefcase was large, hard shelled and had a combination lock with three numbers on rotating dials set side by side.  It was very heavy. She shook it gently, but didn’t notice any peculiar movement. She had no idea what was in it.

She tried to open it (of course), but it was locked and she could not open it. That is when she realized the brief case belonged to Robert, because she would have remembered buying something that could lock.  

She put the briefcase back where she found it and walked away.

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But the next day she was in the closet again looking at the secret briefcase. She looked closely and noticed that the numbers on the combination had changed. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew. She memorized the number combination showing – 0-8-7 – and placed the briefcase back in the closet.

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A week later, she checked and saw that the numbers had changed to 4-2-7. This meant that at least twice in as many weeks, Robert had opened the lock, gone into the briefcase, and jumbled the numbers when he relocked it.  So Jennifer began to check the briefcase every day. Every day she tried to open it, just in case Robert forgot to jumble the numbers to set the lock.

One day the briefcase opened.

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Inside, Jennifer found a pair of musty, sweaty boxing gloves, a stack of magazines and some video cassettes. Tucked into one of the organizer pockets inside the briefcase, Jennifer found a bunch of letters from men addressed to Robert at his office.

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Jennifer read the letters and looked through the magazines. She even watched one of the videos. The magazines and videos showed men – and sometimes women – boxing and wrestling.

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Jennifer learned from the letters that Robert would regularly go to the Olympic Gym near Downtown L.A., rent a boxing ring, and box with strange men—rarely the same man twice.

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The Olympic Auditorium then.

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They’d punch and pound and smack each other and then afterwards they would perform unnatural, sinful acts upon themselves as the other watched.  The letters would end with promises that the writer would inflict great bodily harm upon Robert the next time they met at the gym.

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Naturally Jennifer confronted Robert about her awful discovery. She let him come home to find her sitting on their bed with the briefcase open, reading his letters.

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Robert admitted everything—the boxing and the unspeakable, sinful acts. He admitted that he lied to Jennifer – that when he said he was working on weekends he was really meeting strange men at the Olympic Gym.

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Robert admitted lying about playing rugby as a subterfuge to explain the injuries he sustained boxing.

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That night Jennifer slept at her friend’s house and the next day she moved her things out of the apartment she shared with Robert.  She resolved that her marriage with Robert was over because lying, Jennifer knew, is a sin. 

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The Olympic Auditorium now.

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CAN’T. STOP. LAUGHING.

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Crime and Punishment, Evil Smiley Face, good guys and bad guys, Horrible Coincidences, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, It's not what you think, ανόητο άτομα, Joseph Bleckman, News, Paying Attention, Photography, similarity, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, zombies, טילים on October 4, 2011 by paulboylan

BOEHNER POINTS THE FINGER

Posted in Barry Goldwater, Corruption, Crime and Punishment, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Get a job, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, IN MEMORIAM, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Money and Power, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA! on July 26, 2011 by paulboylan



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