Archive for the Mad Scientists Category

EXCLUSIVE!! INTERVIEW WITH SCHRODINGER’S CAT

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Scientists, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Research and Development, snaaks, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on July 22, 2012 by paulboylan

.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

SCHRODINGER’S CAT:  My pleasure Paul.  I’m a big fan of your blog.
.

.

POE:  Thank you. Let’s get right to it: you are  Erwin Schrödinger‘s cat, correct?

CAT:  Yes, I belong to that mother fucker.

.

Erwin Schrödinger – total mother fucker.

.

POE:  I beg your pardon?

CAT:  You heard me.  A total mother fucker.  Do you know about his famous experiment?

POE:  In broad terms, yes, but not in detail.

CAT:  Well, let me tell you all about it.  That asshole Erwin came up with this experiment to prove something or other dealing with quantum theory.  Are you following me?

POE:  I’m following you.

CAT:  Okay, well, in this experiment, he puts me in a box that contains a deadly poison, the poison is released and supposedly the person looking at the box can’t tell if I am alive or dead.

.

.

POE:  He tried this?

CAT:  Yeah.

POE:  So what happened?

CAT:  What happened is I busted the hell out of that fucking box!  Screw the experiment.

.

.

NEXT – INTERVIEW WITH PAVLOV’S DOG

.

.

.

A Grim Fairy Tale – THE HANDSOME MONSTER

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, космическая девушка, Evil Smiley Face, Frankenstein, Grim Fairy Tales, health care, Hubris, Isnt nature wonderful?, ανόητο άτομα, Kim Kardashian, Mad Scientists, Monsters, Nichola Tesla, ученые, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, urinary tract infections, What are you sick or something?, zombies, טילים, الجامعة العربية on December 17, 2011 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

Once upon a time, there was a handsome monster.  But he wasn’t born handsome.

He wasn’t born at all.   He was made.  A brilliant young scientist with a fetish for reanimating dead tissue made the monster from bits and pieces of dead people.

.

An early attempt.

.

 The young scientist did it in a laboratory he built in an abandoned castle in the middle of nowhere.

.

.

He chose the abandoned castle for four reasons. First, the price was right.  The place where the castle was built was experiencing a deep economic depression.

.

.

Years before, the local real estate market was red hot.  People bought castles and then resold them at a profit, over and over again.

.

.

But when this bubble burst, it drove property values lower and lower until, by the time the young scientist was looking for a place to do his experiments, he could buy a castle for next to nothing and, if it was a “fixer-upper” he could buy it for even less.

.

“It only needs a little work.”

The second reason the young scientist bought the castle was because it was isolated and provided him with privacy.   The young scientist wanted to keep his experiments secret because, at that time, the reanimation of dead tissue upset stupid people much like stem cell research upsets stupid people today.

.

Is also afraid of frozen food (not mentioned in the Bible).

.

 The third reason the young scientist wanted to experiment with dead tissue in secret was because he found the creation of life distinctly enthralling, and people with socially unacceptable desires prefer privacy when there is any chance their socially unacceptable desires might manifest.

.

The obvious benefits of privacy.

.

 The fourth reason the young scientist chose that particular location to perform his viscerally unsettling experiments was because the economic conditions that depressed the local real estate market also impoverished a nearby village.  The young scientist was from a wealthy family, and, as a member of the 1%, he knew that poor people embodied four virtues that would advance his interests – poor people lack curiosity, they keep to themselves, they overlook the eccentricities of the rich, and they die in large numbers.

.

Poor people are buried on their sides to save space.

.

 So the young scientist built his laboratory high inside a castle in the middle of nowhere near a poor village with a busy graveyard.  He built a man, stitched together from bits and pieces of dead people he “borrowed” from the village graveyard and, in time, his experiments bore strange fruit.

.

.

.

.

“It’s alive! Alive!!!” the young scientist shouted, filled with a love that dare not speak its name.

.

franky

 

.

tumblr_mo3ztyT6sE1s7sncao1_400

 

.

.

But, as quickly as the thrill coursed through his body, it vanished just as quickly when the young scientist realized that the man he made was incredibly ugly.

.

.

It was a gross miscalculation. Even worse, the young scientist overestimated poverty’s effect on the local populace. They found out about his monster, but they did not shrug it off due to lethargy or indifference.

.

.

The villagers didn’t look the other way as they would have overlooked the excesses of other wealthy people acting badly, such as flamboyant homosexuals, or those who abuse their domestic servants, or those who use political influence to manipulate economic policy to their further enrichment at the poor’s expense and enhanced demise.

.

.

Reanimating dead bodies scavenged from the local cemetery was just too much to overlook and, in response, the local populace organized into a large mob, armed with torches and pitchforks, bent on killing the young scientist and destroying his unholy monster.

.

.

They killed the young scientist, but the monster got away. He wandered  alone, afraid, and friendless.

.

.

Then one day, deep in the forest, the monster stumbled upon a little cabin where lived an old, kindly plastic surgeon (the cabin was a  vacation home).  The old man took the monster in and offered to inject some collagen into his lips.

.

.

At first, the monster refused.

“Needles, bad,” the Monster said. 

But, in time, he learned to trust the old man, signed some consent forms, and submitted to the procedure.

.

.

The result was nothing less than spectacular.  Rounder, fuller lips transformed the monster from ugly into handsome.

.

.

And, in the twinkling of an eye, the monster’s fortunes changed. 

He found an agent.

.

.

He made a sex tape that was “accidentally” released to the internet.

.

.

.

He was recruited for a new reality television show The Real Monsters of the Enchanted Forest.

.

.

His sudden fits of anger and violence were especially popular with the audience.

.

.

He was a frequent guest on late night chat shows, with interchanges similar to the following:

LENO

I’m told you don’t like fire.

.

.

MONSTER

Fire, bad!

.

.

LENO

I’m also told that you are being considered to play Joey in a remake of the poplar television show Friends.

MONSTER

Friends, good…

.

.

But some things are just not meant to be.  One day when the monster was on tour promoting his new celebrity fragrance Menacing, he was killed by a mob of blind peasants

.

.

(who lost their sight due to malnutrition and lack of basic health care) – which is a powerful sermon on the fragility of modern celebrity.

.

.

HEADLINE – Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces

Posted in Brave New World, dada, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Isnt nature wonderful?, Mad Scientists, News, ученые, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Science, Stupid People, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 17, 2011 by paulboylan

TOKYO – Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement. 

“The process is very complex and expensive,” Ikeda explained. “The result is definitely edible. The problem is that it tastes like shit.”

“That tsunami really messed those people up,” said Evan Boylan, a student at Illinois State University, upon learned of the Japanese excrement-to-meat scientific breakthrough.

“That’s worse than f**king Soylent Green,” Boylan added.

SOURCE: http://japanesescientistscreatesmeatoutoffeces-

.

HEADLINE – Freeway air pollution linked to brain damage in mice

Posted in Headline, Headlines, Humor, Mad Scientists, News, Nichola Tesla, Our animal friends, Photography, Science, Travel, What are you sick or something? with tags , on April 11, 2011 by paulboylan

LOS ANGELES – Exposure to air pollution from cars and trucks on Southern California freeways has been linked to brain damage in mice, including signs associated with memory loss and Alzheimer’s disease, according to a USC study in the journal Environmental Health Perspectives. 

In a statement, senior author Caleb Finch, an expert on the effects of inflammation and holder of USC’s ARCO/William F. Kieschnick Chair in the Neurobiology of Aging, said “This study raises the possibility of long-term brain health consequences for mice that drive, especially mice with long commutes to and from work that expose them to freeway pollution.”

Dr. Finch was quick to point out that, even though his study reveals previously unknown risks to mice that drive, there are more serious problems mice with automobiles must consider.

 


 

 

Source: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/greenspace/2011/04/freeway-air-pollution-brain-damage-mice.html

.

“I WISH IS COULD TALK IN TECHNICOLOR…”

Posted in 3D, Art, Avatar, Brave New World, dada, Droit Moral, Fire and Ice, Hapax Legomenon, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Nichola Tesla, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Research and Development, Rotwang, Science, Small Town America, The Matrix, The River of Time, Uncategorized, What are you sick or something? on January 18, 2011 by paulboylan

 

I just watched a video of an ordinary 1950’s housewife take LSD.   Here is what she looked like:


Here is the link:

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/author-discovers-footage-of-50s-housewife-in-lsd-experiment;_ylt=Ap4VOiwZ343Im4WbTM5_Q9.s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTVkOGlzZ3VjBGFzc2V0A3libG9nX3RoZWxvb2tvdXQvMjAxMTAxMTgvYXV0aG9yLWRpc2NvdmVycy1mb290YWdlLW9mLTUwcy1ob3VzZXdpZmUtaW4tbHNkLWV4cGVyaW1lbnQEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM5BHBvcwM2BHB0A2hvbWVfY29rZQRzZWMDeW5faGVhZGxpbmVfbGlzdARzbGsDZm9vdGFnZW9mNTBz

 

I’m not sure what to say.

HEADLINE – Toxic Waste Bars Have Hazardous Levels Of Lead, Recalled

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Scientists, morbid obesity, News, Nichola Tesla, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Rotwang, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on January 17, 2011 by paulboylan

LOS ANGELES –  Candy bars called “Toxic Waste Chew Bars” have been recalled because a sample lot was found to have high levels of lead – 0.24 parts per million, as opposed to the FDA tolerance of 0.1ppm.

“We clearly labeled those candy bars as Toxic Waste,” said Vinnie Slimp, Vice President of Marketing for Circle City Marketing and Distributors, producers of Toxic Waste Chew Bars.

Vinnie Slimp

“It states quite clearly on the wrapper that the ingredients include three kinds of lead, arsenic, dioxin, chromium 6, spent nuclear fuel and there is also a clear warning that the candy may contain traces of tree or ground nuts,” Slimp said.

“It isn’t our fault when someone ignores these clear warnings and actually eats that stuff,” Slimp concluded.


Circle City Marketing and Distributors  is also recalling  “Deadly Poison Gum Drops” which they also produce and market.

Both Toxic Waste Chew Bars and Deadly Poison Gum Drops are manufactured in China.

Source: http://www.ecoworld.com/agriculture/toxic-candy-bars-recalled-for-lead-content.html


HEADLINE – FRITO-LAY ISSUES DORITOS WARNING

Posted in Art, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Moral Rights, music, News, Nichola Tesla, pandemic, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Television, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on October 24, 2010 by paulboylan

ST LOUIS – The Frito-Lay corporation is warning the public not to eat the new Doritos variety Extra Spicy Nacho Cheese Extreme.

“Look, I said to stay away from those things,” said Eric Paulson, Frito-Lay Vice President, hurrying out of his office with a box stuffed with personal belongings. “It’s not my fault. I didn’t know this would happen. No one could have known,” Paulson said as he ran off.

In response to Frito-Lay’s warning, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) posted the following advisory on the FEMA website:

“Close and lock or barricade all doors and windows.  Close all blinds and/or window coverings.  Turn off all lights.  Move everyone as far from potential threat areas as possible.  Take cover behind heavy furnishings or structures. Stay down.  Do not open doors unless instructed to do so by FEMA or positively identified public safety personnel.

If possible, shut off building ventilation systems. If it is safe to do so, provide first aid and appropriate care for the injured or ill person.  Whenever possible, if blood, vomit, or other bodily fluids are present, avoid contact with these and use appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (gloves, mask, etc.).  Do not move seriously injured people unless movement is necessary to protect them from immediate, life-threatening danger.  Consider the possibility that injured persons may have been contaminated and take appropriate precautionary measures.”

“We will survive this,” said said Janette Hemply, Acting Frito-Lay Board President from an undisclosed location. “We will rebuild.”

“It’s in the trees!  It’s coming!” yelled an unidentified person behind Hemply.

Source:

http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2010/06/15/fake-doritos-coupon-warning-from-frito-lay/

%d bloggers like this: