ST LOUIS – The Frito-Lay corporation is warning the public not to eat the new Doritos variety Extra Spicy Nacho Cheese Extreme.
“Look, I said to stay away from those things,” said Eric Paulson, Frito-Lay Vice President, hurrying out of his office with a box stuffed with personal belongings. “It’s not my fault. I didn’t know this would happen. No one could have known,” Paulson said as he ran off.
In response to Frito-Lay’s warning, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) posted the following advisory on the FEMA website:
“Close and lock or barricade all doors and windows. Close all blinds and/or window coverings. Turn off all lights. Move everyone as far from potential threat areas as possible. Take cover behind heavy furnishings or structures. Stay down. Do not open doors unless instructed to do so by FEMA or positively identified public safety personnel.
If possible, shut off building ventilation systems. If it is safe to do so, provide first aid and appropriate care for the injured or ill person. Whenever possible, if blood, vomit, or other bodily fluids are present, avoid contact with these and use appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (gloves, mask, etc.). Do not move seriously injured people unless movement is necessary to protect them from immediate, life-threatening danger. Consider the possibility that injured persons may have been contaminated and take appropriate precautionary measures.”
“We will survive this,” said said Janette Hemply, Acting Frito-Lay Board President from an undisclosed location. “We will rebuild.”
“It’s in the trees! It’s coming!” yelled an unidentified person behind Hemply.