Archive for the pandemic Category

THE BEST TWEET EVAR!

Posted in And now the snorting starts, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Fashion Forward, αστείος, Michele Bachmann Crazy, pandemic, Paying Attention, Research and Development, The Second Coming, What are you sick or something?, zombies on November 27, 2013 by paulboylan

zombie shoe laces

The boy who has talked to us said, ‘We were bored.”

Posted in American Decline, Australia, Brave New World, Grim Fairy Tales, Mordor, pandemic on August 21, 2013 by paulboylan

The boy who has talked to us said, ‘We were bored and didn’t have anything to do, so we decided to kill somebody,'” say police about the brutal murder of a collegiate baseball player in Oklahoma.

I feel the need to apologize for this.   I am more than horrified; I am ashamed.  I know so many people who are afraid to come and visit my country.  They think Americans are armed sociopaths.  They fear that, if they walk our streets – my streets – that someone could be watching them, could plot and carry out their murder.

Exactly what happened to Christopher Lane.

His father said “To try to understand it is a short way to insanity.”

I wish I didn’t understand it.  I wish what happened to Christopher is so unthinkable that one would risk insanity to contemplate it.  But I know those young murderers.  I understand them and why they decided to kill another human being to alleviate their boredom.  I think they are everywhere around me.  I know what created them – the poor parenting, the negligent and intentionally substandard schooling.  I know a culture of violence, a culture that discourages empathy and sympathy – the very qualities that make premeditated murder unlikely. I know that the fifteen year old boy who killed  Christopher used a gun, and if that boy did not have a gun, Christopher would be alive.

I don’t know what to say other than that I am sorry for all of this and horrified that I am helpless to do anything to fix what is broken.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

HEADLINE – 2 ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AT GUN SHOW

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Attorney fees, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Cowboys and Aliens, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, GOP, Headline, Headlines, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, Mysterious Mysteries, News, pandemic, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , , , , on January 20, 2013 by paulboylan

2 hurt in accidental shooting_edited-2

Bought a gun at a gun show without a background check.

WACO, Texas – 2 people were injured at a gun show, completely baffling gun rights activists.

.

Confused redneck

Inbred redneck gun owner contemplating the causes of gun violence.

.

“It is a complete mystery to me how on earth these two people could be accidentally shot a gun show,” said Skip Henderson, gun enthusiast, misogynist, homophobe, racist and sociopath.

.

Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

.

At gun shows Americans – or anyone – can purchase automatic weapons without any background check being conducted.

.

“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name.  It is not a made up name.  I am Joe.  And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction.  Oooo! are those high-capacity   ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name. It is not a made up name. I am Joe. And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction. Oooo! Are those high-capacity ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

.

 “I bet Obama snuck in here and shot those 2 people to make gun owners look bad so that he and his Negro Army can come and take away our guns” Henderson said.

.

Sneaky Obama

.

“Guns are not responsible for these injuries and it is completely irresponsible to imply that guns have any connection to gun violence whatsoever anywhere in the world especially at a gun show,”  said Tripp Wightman, a gun rights activist,”doomsday prepper” and paranoid schizophrenic who buys guns at gun shows without any background checks and makes methane from his own excrement.

.

Shooter 1

Mentally unfit to purchase a gun, but passed a background check because no court had ever declared him mentally unfit. So, like hundreds of thousands of people who should not ever own a gun, he was allowed to purchase one. And then he went to a political rally.

 >

“I will shoot anyone in the head multiple times using a semi automatic weapon with a fucking huge ammo clip,” Wightman said.  “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, the point I am trying to make is to make it very clear that I will shoot and kill anyone who argues that gun violence – the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping across our nation and tearing apart the fabric of our society.  Hell, it happened again. I totally lost my train of thought.”

.

He purchased two hand guns, a shot gun, and a semi automatic rifle and passed all three background checks. No court had ever declared him mentally unfit. Consequently he was not in the federal database that is used to perform background checks of people buying guns.
After purchasing these guns, he went to the cinema.

.

“Where was I?  Oh yeah, I will brutally murder anyone who so much as implies that guns have anything to do with gun violence or attempts in any way to improve mental health care or background checks to prevent someone like me from buying all the guns I want.  And then I will mutilate their bodies.  And if possible, I will sell the body parts – including fluids – to raise money so I can buy more guns.  That is how much I love America.  That is how much I love the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution that protects my rights to own and use weapons that are designed to kill people. Lots and lots of people.  Lots and lots of smelly, anti-American sinners who are building socialist agnostic, atheist, and Catholic robots that steal my luggage, violate my rights and infringe on my personal freedoms,”  said Wightman.

.

Shooter to

He bought this gun at a gun show without a background check. And now he is watching your children walk to school.

.

“No one loves America more than me.  Or guns,” said Wightman.  “Did I tell you that I make methane from my own poop?  I do it to stop the government from reading my thoughts.”

“The only option I will consider to remedy what is arguably an epidemic of gun related deaths in the United States is  what the NRA proposed, and that is posting armed guards in every school in the country.  But I do not want any taxpayer money to pay for it.  I want these armed guards to be volunteers.”

.

Eager to volunteer.

Eager to volunteer.

.

 “In other words, people like me,” Wightman concluded before adjusting the aluminum foil cap covering his head.

aluminum-foil-hat

foil helmet

.

GunOwnership

.

girl with gun

toddler suicide vest 1

toddler with gun 1

palestinian kids with guns

Gun-owner-Mike-from-Dalla-006

jesus with guns1

gun1

Gun owners are willing to kill in order to maintain unrestrained access to assault weapons and the lack of background checks for those buying automatic weapons.

.

UPDATE: subsequent to the posting of this story,  5 additional people were accidentally shot at gun shows in the United States.

.

A GRIM FAIRY TALE – THE ZOMBIE KITTEN

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Grim Fairy Tales, Our animal friends, pandemic, zombies, سكارليت جوهانسون on October 15, 2012 by paulboylan

It is that spooky time of year again, and that means more Grim Fairy Tales.  This next one was pulled from the archives of the now defunct but fondly remembered Journalspace that, like a ghost, was there one minute, and then vanished the next.

.

THE ZOMBIE KITTEN

Once upon a time there was a zombie kitten.

.

.

The story of how she became a zombie is long and complicated and would be a huge waste of time to tell.

.

.

All you need to know is that she was a kitten who died and came back to life as a zombie.

.

.

Which meant she was very sad.  No children wanted to pet or cuddle her.  They would always run in abject terror when they saw her.

You see, being a zombie meant she had an insatiable desire to kill other creatures and eat their brains.  To be honest, it didn’t cause any trouble as long as she was hunting birds and rodents and eating their brains.  But it didn’t stop with birds and rodents.  And that really prevented her from becoming a pet that is loved.  Which is all she wanted.  She just wanted to be loved.

.

.

She tried everything to find a family to adopt her.  She would run into houses when the door opened.  She would mew piteously in the rain.  She spent a small fortune and used a lot of favors to put up posters showing her picture with the words “lost kitten” in the hopes that someone would see her and take her in while her true owners were located.  She hoped some nice family would just fall in love with her and want to keep her.

.

.

These tactics worked once or twice.  But the whole brain-eating thing always ended up ruining everything.

One rainy night, some family she was haunting finally had enough of her running into their house when the door was open and mewing piteously in the rain. They tricked her into a box, baited with some cow brains, and took her to the Animal Shelter where they tossed her unceremoniously into the night drop box.

.

.

The shelter staff didn’t know what to do with her. It soon became evident that she was a zombie kitten and she was put in a cage all alone. The shelter staff knew no one would claim her and that no one coming in to adopt a pet would want a pet that would eventually attack them and try to eat their brains. So they had to kill her, but how do you kill one of the Undead?  No one at the shelter was willing or ready to shoot that zombie kitten in the head.

 Eventually they decided to cremate her along with a load of gassed, unwanted, unclaimed, unloved animals. The shelter staff didn’t know if this would work, but they figured it was worth a try.

.

.

Then – on the day the zombie kitten was scheduled for cremation – in walked a man and a woman and their daughter.  They were a zombie family looking for a pet. Ordinarily, zombies are not allowed to adopt children or pets – for obvious reasons – but the shelter made an exception and let the zombie family adopt the zombie kitten.

It was a win-win solution for all concerned.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  You never know.

 

THE DAMNED

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Crazy People, Crime and Punishment, Early-onset dementia, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, good guys and bad guys, GOP, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Mordor, pandemic, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , , , on August 16, 2012 by paulboylan

.

The Blue Church of God is much more forgiving.

.

Vegetarians?

.

HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Australia, Barry Goldwater, Bigotry in America, Dogs, Evil Smiley Face, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, Money and Power, Mordor, News, pandemic, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 16, 2012 by paulboylan

.

DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.'”

.

.

Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

.

James Bolger

.

“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

.

“I think I saw one over there.”

.

“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.'”

.

.

“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

.

.

“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

.

.

Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

.

.

“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

.

Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

.

.

Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

.

Ron Severstone

.

“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

.

.

.

“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

.

.

Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

.

.

.

.

 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

.

Prof. Judith Holmes

.

The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

.

.



A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Family and Friends, Food, 스타게이트유니버스, pandemic, Photography, zombies on November 19, 2011 by paulboylan

As most of you know, I recently returned from a really wonderful visit to Australia.

While there, I was enormously fortunate to spend a bit of time with the magnificent and munificent author, John Birmingham, during which we shared one or two or three really excellent meals.

I returned from Australia about 10 pounds heavier than when I left.  Apparently, John gained a bit of weight too, for which he blamed me.s

In response, I admitted causing John’s increased girth and explained that I did it for revenge.  This is what I said:

“I readily admit it. Why did I go through so much trouble at such high cost and such low profit to “visit” Oz? I did it to prompt the otherwise preternaturally svelte Mr. Birmingham to pack on unsightly kilos. I did it for revenge. Revenge! Birmingham’s failure to model a significant recurring character after me demanded revenge! Murph gets to be president. The Rhino gets to be, well, the Rhino. What do I get? Zilch! Bupkis! Maffi! Nada! Nichts! Nothing (I added that last one for you out there who don’t speak any Yiddish, Arabic, Spanish or German. Fucking Philistines)!

I am not an unreasonable man. I realize that a short, bald, fart-joke-loving, seppo lawyer of mixed Greek and Irish ancestry doesn’t really lend itself to military/tech adventure novels or histories of Sydney. So? So what? This is about respect!

I am not, however,  responsible for the advent of the restaurant review season. That’s our own damned fault.”

Feeling rather pleased with my creative invective, I showed it to my wife, Lori.  After reading it, she looked up at me and said:

“I would be careful what I say if I were you.  For all you know, you might end up as a gay zombie in one of his books.”

I… didn’t consider that possibility.  But now that I have considered it,  I must agree with my wife: I need to be more careful.

%d bloggers like this: