Archive for the rimshot wav download Category

HEADLINE: RANDOM SHOOTINGS DON’T BOTHER KANSAS CITY DRIVERS

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Headline, Headlines, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Kansas City, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on April 12, 2014 by paulboylan

Kansas City Drivers

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (Ass. Press) – Several shootings have targeted apparently random vehicles along a tangle of interstate highways in south Kansas City, but it doesn’t seem to have rattled area drivers, who say they’ll stick with their normal routes.

“I live in Kansas City,” said Steven Murphy, a local commuter. “Getting shot at might be the best thing that happens to me all day.”

“Heck, I invite being targeted by a sniper,” said Linda Kromthip, another Kansas City resident driver. “I have a bumper sticker that says ‘I Hate Violent Blacks and Jews.’ I know it is a long shot, but who knows? I might get lucky.”

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A GRIM FAIRY TALE – THE SOMBER TURKEY

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Grim Fairy Tales, Hapax Legomenon, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Monsters, neşeli, Orcs, Our animal friends, Politics, Rage Against the Machine, rimshot wav download, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA!, سياسة policy on November 24, 2013 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

It is that time of year again.  I post this story every November as we North Americans get closer to our Thanksgiving feast – which invariably features a big roasted turkey.

My friends, I give you…

The Somber Turkey

Once upon a time, outside of the Kingdom of Woodland, east of Winters, in the Land of California, there lived a happy turkey farmer named Hannigan.  He loved raising turkeys, killing them, and selling them – in part or in whole – to clients all over California – where turkey eating was a big thing, especially during Thanksgiving and Christmas.


On Hannigan’s turkey farm lived a happy turkey named Norman.  Norman was the happiest and most contented turkey the world had ever known because he was the biggest turkey anyone had ever seen.  Farmer Hannigan often brought other humans to marvel at Norman’s size and physical beauty.

“That’s gonna be some big turkey,” the human visitors would always say.

“Yep,” Farmer Hannigan would always reply.

Farmer Hannigan was happy, which made Norman happy. Norman was proud of the fact that he was so big and fat with lots of white meat, whatever that was.

The other turkeys knew how Norman felt, because he was always bragging about himself.

“I’m gonna be some big turkey!” he would say.

The other turkeys got fed up with Norman’s bragging.  One day Leonardo decided to do something about it.

Leonardo was not an especially big or happy turkey. Not being big didn’t make Leonardo unhappy.  He could give a rat’s ass about how big he was.  He didn’t buy into that neo-fascist farmcentric value system.  Leonardo was a fiery-eyed revolutionary with a strong interest in pragmatic Marxism.

Leonardo

“You are one fine, big turkey,” Leonardo said to Norman one day.

“Yes, I am,” Norman preened.

“You know what they’re going to do to you because you’re so big?” Leonardo asked.

“Admire me,” Norman said, meaning it.

“Sure they are.  They’re going to admire how good you taste,” Leonardo said.

“I beg your pardon?” Norman asked.

“They’re going to eat you, buddy.  In a couple of months they’re going to catch you, kill you, cut off your head, pull out all of your feathers and your internal organs, cook you and eat you, and they’re going to pick you first because you’re so big.  Lots of white meat.”

“Oh, my god!” Norman said.  “They’re going to eat me!”

Norman realizes the truth.

“You mean you didn’t know?”

“No!”

“Everyone else knows.  Why do you think that so many turkeys die while they’re drinking water?”

“Because they forget to breath?” Norman suggested.

Leonardo laughed. “You believe that?  It’s a lie invented by the Man.  Have you ever forgotten to breath?”

“No.”

“Of course not. You got to be really stupid to forget to breath.”

“But we are pretty stupid.”

“No we’re not.  That’s just a lie to keep us down, to ruin our self esteem so we will be easy to exploit and so we won’t cause any trouble.  I’ll tell you why some turkeys die drinking water. Depression.  They’re depressed.  Why else do you think those other “stupid” things happen?  Why do you think some turkeys kill themselves by opening their throats in the rain and drowning?  Why do you think hens sit on their eggs so hard they break the eggs?”

“Oh my god, they’re killing their babies,” Norman said, in horror.

“Right.  They know what’s in store and they can’t take it. Would you want someone to eat your babies?”

“No,” Norman said.  “What can I do?” he asked, whispering in abject terror.

“Maybe I can get you out of here,” Leonardo said.  “On the outside there is an underground network of birds and humans who can take you to a place where you will be free.”

“Interested?”

“Of course!”

“Okay  I’ll see what I can do.”

Time went by.  Leonardo often spoke with Norman, teaching the bigger bird the truth about the world, teaching him hatred for the seemingly unbreakable power structure that doomed him and his race to be imprisoned, enslaved, slaughtered and devoured by killer apes.

“But remember,” Leonardo cautioned one night. “Not all humans are ravenous cannibals.  Some are good, and eat only plants and bugs.  These are the ones that help some of us get away.”

“How?” Norman asked in the star lit darkness.

“Every now and then there is a condition called Dark of the Moon, when there is no moon out and the darkness is as total as it can be.  During this time, a human jumps the fence and opens a big box. As many of us run in as we can.  We call it the Box of Freedom.”

“Just one box?”

“Yes, one box, but it is a big box, and it is better that some of us escape to keep the flames of hope burning.”

“I hope we both make it, brother,” Norman said.

“Me too, brother.  Me too.”

Then came the Dark of the Moon.  The turkeys were all quiet, making sure that there was no reason for Farmer Hannigan to investigate.

Suddenly the man with the box appeared.  He placed a big box on the ground and opened the side.

“This is it, brother!” Leonardo said, running.  Norman followed.

Leonardo made it into the box.  Norman didn’t get in before the man closed the box.

“Don’t worry, brother!” Leonardo cried from inside the box. “I’ll be waiting for you in paradise!”

But it didn’t happen.  The friendly human with the big box didn’t come back.  And Thanksgiving approached.  Leonardo was right – they came for Norman first.

Farmer Hannigan and his employees placed Norman in a big wooden crate built out of slats so that Norman could see and breathe.  Then Norman was carried to a truck, to an airport, into the belly of a jet, into another truck, and onto a large lawn next to a big white house.  Eventually, humans came to set up a lectern, chairs and cameras.  More humans came.  Some talked at the lectern in front of the crowd.

And then Norman’s cage was opened and gentle hands removed him from the crate.

“My god,” one human said.  “This had got to be the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s why the President is getting it,” another human said, not trying to make a joke.

Norman was brought to the front of the crowd.  One human in a black suit made a short speech to another man, also standing in front of the crowd.  Humans in the audience took pictures with still and video cameras.

And then Norman did it.  He thrust out his neck and tried to bite the man who wasn’t giving the speech.  Norman knew that he just couldn’t go gently into that good night.

The man giving the speech reached out, grabbed Norman’s long neck and choked Norman.  Other humans helped stuff Norman back into the crate.

“That is one feisty bird,” the President quipped, and the reporters laughed.


In those days it was customary for the President to display generosity, and pardon the White House Thanksgiving turkey.  So Norman was taken to a farm in Virginia, where he lived for the rest of his natural days.

Leonardo was not so lucky. He ended up as dinner for the man with the big box, who was nothing more than a thief who just couldn’t get over how stupid those turkeys were and how they would be so quite and just waddle into the box, as if they wanted to be eaten.

Which was, from the thief’s point of view, always possible.  After all, turkeys are so stupid.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

HEADLINE – TONY BENNETT RESIGNS

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Fair Use, Headline, Headlines, News, Politics, rimshot wav download, The Wilhelm Scream on August 2, 2013 by paulboylan

Bennett Resigns

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A GRIM FAIRY TALE – THE SAD GARAGE SALE

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Grim Fairy Tales, Rage Against the Machine, rimshot wav download, Small Town America, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , on September 16, 2012 by paulboylan

“Hello, children. I’m Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?”

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THE SAD GARAGE SALE

          Once upon a time in a tiny town named Elko, Nevada, a man named Ted was checking out of the Holiday Inn Express.

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          Ted was driving from Salt Lake City, Utah to Los Angeles, California because he had a passion for alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, all of which were difficult to procure in Salt Lake City without risking social isolation and spiritual damnation, or at least the popular perception of it.

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          The drive from Salt Lake City to Los Angeles is a long one, and Ted spent the night in Elko, more or less located half way between the two.

          “Where are you off to?” asked the checkout clerk at the front desk as Ted turned in his key.

          “Los Angeles,” Ted said.

          “Take me,” the checkout clerk said.

          Ted smiled and chuckled as he hoped was expected.

          “No, seriously,” the checkout clerk said. “Take me. I hate this place and I will do anything to get out. I will pay for gas and sexually satisfy you. What do you say?” clerk asked while making a rude and suggestive gesture with a partially closed fist.

          “I – don’t think so,” Ted mumbled.

          The check out clerk laughed. “Okay, I understand and I don’t blame you,” he said.  “If I was younger, well, maybe I would have had a shot, but I haven’t had any action since my 80th birthday. And you know, Elko isn’t such a bad place. At least it isn’t Battle Mountain.”

          “Battle Mountain?” Ted asked.

          “Yeah. The next town on the I-80 on the way to Reno.  Back in 1983 Battle Mountain  was voted the Armpit of the Universe.”

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          “Okay….” Ted said, walking towards the exit to the parking lot.

          “You can’t miss it,” the clerk called after Ted. “They put a big ‘BM’ on the hillside in  fifty foot letters in an attempt to publicize the town and create a new image.  They even voted for a new town slogan: ‘Home of the biggest BM in the universe.’”

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          Sure enough, Ted saw the letters “BM” on a hillside as he approached Battle Mountain, and he was overcome by the desire to leave the I-80 and take the business route through Battle Mountain.  Ted hoped to see the town slogan (“Home of the biggest BM in the universe”) on a building and further hoped to take a picture that he could then post on his blog.

          Ted did not find the town slogan, and he was beginning to wonder if the clerk was pulling his leg, when he saw a sign advertising “GARAGE SALE!”

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          And, as he was about to leave the Battle Mountain town limits, he saw another sign indicating the garage sale was happening in the driveway of the house he was passing.

          Ted stopped and walked up to a little boy sitting on a chair behind an empty table – empty except for one old tennis shoe.

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          “Where is the garage sale?” Ted asked the little boy.

          “You’re looking at it,” the boy said.

          “Here?”

          “Here.”

           “And you’re selling this shoe?”

          “Yup.”

          “Was there other stuff for sale earlier?”

          “Nope. Just this shoe.”

          “Why just one shoe?”

          “It’s all I got to sell.”

          “What happened to the other shoe?”

          “Dog took it.”

          “Oh.”

          “Look, are you going to buy anything or not?”

          “You mean the shoe?”

          “Yes, the shoe. Do you see anything else on the table?”

          “Why would I want to buy just one shoe?”

          “How the fuck should I know?  I don’t know your life.  Do I look like some kind of psychic?  Do I look like I even care why you want to buy this shoe?”

          “I didn’t say I wanted to buy that shoe –“

          “Yes you did. I heard you say it.”

          “No, I didn’t.”

          “Yes you did.”

          “No. I did not.”

         “Yes. You did.”

          “Okay, look, how much for the shoe?”

          “One thousand dollars.”

          “That’s ridiculous!”

          “Yeah, well, that’s the price.  You buying or not?”

          “I am not.”

          “Then this garage sale is over,” the boy said, taking the shoe off of the table and holding it close. “You just fucked yourself out of owning this shoe. It’s a magic shoe.”

          “Magic?”

           “Yeah, magic.  If you buy it, it will grant you three wishes.”

           “I don’t believe you.”

          “Why not? This is a magic shoe.”

          “If it is magic, why haven’t you used it?”

          “What do you mean?”

          “Well, if it is magic, you would have used it to get out of this town.  Its the most depressing place I’ve ever seen.  Even a kid like you has to know there is something better somewhere. If that shoe was magic, you would have used it to get out of here.”

          “Maybe I used it to wish for something else.”

          “Like what?”

          “None of your business.  I’m telling you this is a magic shoe.  Are you going to buy it?”

          “Does it still cost $1,000?”

          “No.”

          “No?”

          “The price has gone up to two thousand dollars. Cash.”

          “Forget it.”

          “Okay, then get the hell out of my face.”

          “No problem,” Ted said, turning to walk back to his car.

          “Mister?” the boy asked.

          “What?”

          “If you change your mind, I’ll be here next week.”

          “Selling that shoe?”

          “Uh huh.”

          “Will you be selling anything else?”

          “No.”

          “Do you do this every week?”

          “Uh huh.”

          “Have you ever sold anything?”

          “If I did, would I still be here, in the biggest BM in the universe??” the little boy shouted.

          Ted didn’t answer. He just got back in his car, drove out of town and back onto the I-80.  He stopped for lunch in Reno, Nevada, where he lost all his money playing roulette, betting on 22 black.  Ted never made it to LA.

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MORAL OF THE STORY: Gambling is bad.
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AN UNFORTUNATE MISTRANSLATION

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, greannmhar, health care, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Missile Defense, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, pork, rimshot wav download, Russia, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on June 2, 2012 by paulboylan

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PUTIN ON THE RITZ

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Celebrity, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, пицца, Fashion Forward, Frankenstein, Geopolitical Insults, greannmhar, Horrible Coincidences, Internet Fun!, 재미, αστείος, lächerlich, neşeli, смешной, photograph, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Putin on the Ritz, rimshot wav download, Russia, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 18, 2012 by paulboylan

I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help myself.

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click on image to activate GIF

I received this plea for my help…

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Barry Goldwater, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Globalization, good guys and bad guys, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Missile Defense, Mordor, neşeli, Nigerian Prince, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, rimshot wav download, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 5, 2012 by paulboylan

I recently received an email from someone in Africa who wants my help.  We’ve all received this kind of email from con artists trying to get us to send them cash in exchange for a share in an eventual fortune.  

Here is the first page of the two page email:

Click on image to enlarge.

As I said, the text is typical – but with one difference that stood out as I read.  In attempting to elicit my sympathy, the author described the horrors of his situation, including:

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Following the brake out of the war, almost all government offices, cooperation’s and prostates were attacked and vandalized.

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I’ve never read this sort of pitch before.  And, truth be told, learning that “almost all prostates were attacked and vandalized” does elicit a visceral reaction.

Those poor men.

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A Grim Fairy Tale – BOXING DAY

Posted in And now the snorting starts, boxing day, Cowboys and Aliens, Crime and Punishment, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, Grim Fairy Tales, Horrible Coincidences, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, 스타게이트유니버스, love, Missile Defense, ученые, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Small Town America, Sports, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, טילים on December 30, 2011 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a true story?

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BOXING DAY

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Jennifer. Jennifer lived in a place known far and wide as the City of Angels, which Jennifer liked because she considered herself a Born Again Christian, and living in a city of angels was fine by her.

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Jennifer lived with a man named Robert.  They met in church and were married a year later.  The day after their first Christmas together, she found Robert’s secret briefcase hidden in the apartment bedroom closet.

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The briefcase was large, hard shelled and had a combination lock with three numbers on rotating dials set side by side.  It was very heavy. She shook it gently, but didn’t notice any peculiar movement. She had no idea what was in it.

She tried to open it (of course), but it was locked and she could not open it. That is when she realized the brief case belonged to Robert, because she would have remembered buying something that could lock.  

She put the briefcase back where she found it and walked away.

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But the next day she was in the closet again looking at the secret briefcase. She looked closely and noticed that the numbers on the combination had changed. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew. She memorized the number combination showing – 0-8-7 – and placed the briefcase back in the closet.

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A week later, she checked and saw that the numbers had changed to 4-2-7. This meant that at least twice in as many weeks, Robert had opened the lock, gone into the briefcase, and jumbled the numbers when he relocked it.  So Jennifer began to check the briefcase every day. Every day she tried to open it, just in case Robert forgot to jumble the numbers to set the lock.

One day the briefcase opened.

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Inside, Jennifer found a pair of musty, sweaty boxing gloves, a stack of magazines and some video cassettes. Tucked into one of the organizer pockets inside the briefcase, Jennifer found a bunch of letters from men addressed to Robert at his office.

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Jennifer read the letters and looked through the magazines. She even watched one of the videos. The magazines and videos showed men – and sometimes women – boxing and wrestling.

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Jennifer learned from the letters that Robert would regularly go to the Olympic Gym near Downtown L.A., rent a boxing ring, and box with strange men—rarely the same man twice.

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The Olympic Auditorium then.

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They’d punch and pound and smack each other and then afterwards they would perform unnatural, sinful acts upon themselves as the other watched.  The letters would end with promises that the writer would inflict great bodily harm upon Robert the next time they met at the gym.

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Naturally Jennifer confronted Robert about her awful discovery. She let him come home to find her sitting on their bed with the briefcase open, reading his letters.

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Robert admitted everything—the boxing and the unspeakable, sinful acts. He admitted that he lied to Jennifer – that when he said he was working on weekends he was really meeting strange men at the Olympic Gym.

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Robert admitted lying about playing rugby as a subterfuge to explain the injuries he sustained boxing.

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That night Jennifer slept at her friend’s house and the next day she moved her things out of the apartment she shared with Robert.  She resolved that her marriage with Robert was over because lying, Jennifer knew, is a sin. 

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The Olympic Auditorium now.

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From the Christmas Season’s heart, I Smile at Thee!!!

Posted in disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Evil Smiley Face, good guys and bad guys, 스타게이트유니버스, Mad Men, Photography, rimshot wav download, Rotwang, Science Fiction, Space, Star Trek, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of Khan, Travel on December 9, 2011 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Lady Gaga Terrifies Baby

Posted in Artists Rights, Crazy People, dada, Evil Smiley Face, good guys and bad guys, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, Joseph Bleckman, Lady Gaga, News, ученые, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, What are you sick or something?, טילים on November 17, 2011 by paulboylan

Lady Gaga holds up crying baby after yelling "boo!" and shaking the infant.

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MUNCIE – For the third time in two days, pop star Lady Gaga has frightened a small child.

“So I like to scare kids. So what?” Gaga said on Wednesday.  “Everyone has their peccadillos.  Mine happens to be frightening children,” the singer added.

“I hate the little bastards,” Gaga concluded.

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Source:  http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20546230,00.html

HEADLINE – Rick Perry reassures GOP about debating Obama

Posted in Cowboys and Aliens, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Paying Attention, Politics, rimshot wav download, USA! USA! USA! on October 30, 2011 by paulboylan

WASHINGTON — Rick Perry on Sunday sought to reassure GOP primary voters concerned about his wobbly presidential debate performances, apparent low intelligence and general lack of basic education, saying he would draw sharp distinctions with the Democratic incumbent in televised showdowns next year.

“I’m not worried a bit to debate Barack Obama,” Perry said.  “And I believe in Santa Claus,” he added.

The Texas governor, driving for front-runner status as the most viable conservative in the wide-open field, offered up samples of the scathing rhetoric he used to get elected as Governor of Texas.

“President Obama’s policies are poopy,” Perry said with a grin.

“And he is ugly and his mother dresses him funny.  President Obama’s mother is so ugly, well, she is pretty ugly. And she is white. Can you believe that? A white woman having sex with a black man?  In Texas we don’t take kindly to any sort of race mixing.”

“And we don’t like Mormons. They are a cult,” Perry concluded  before further demonstrating his wit by firing a gun into the air.

“Yee ha!” Perry screamed. “Now, don’t that qualify me to be prez-o-dent?” he asked.

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HEADLINE – Scarlett Johansson cellphone pictures aren’t all that smart phone hackers are after

Posted in bilim adamları, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, скарлетт йоханссон, ученые, Photography, rimshot wav download, Rotwang, The Wilhelm Scream, טילים on September 30, 2011 by paulboylan

Actress Scarlett Johansson

SANTA MONICA, California – Hackers who broke into movie star Scarlett Johansson’s cellphone and stole nude photos of her admit that they want more than just pictures showing Johansson naked.

“We also want to have sex with her,” admits Ted Hinklehoffer, hacker spokesperson.

Hinklehoffer provided the statement from his secret lair in his mother’s basement.

Source:  http://news.yahoo.com/scarlett-johansson-cellphone-pictures-arent-smart-phone-hackers-164343913.html

HEADLINE – Japanese Official Resigns Over Radiation Joke

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Humor, Japan, News, ученые, Our animal friends, Politics, rimshot wav download, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים on September 10, 2011 by paulboylan

"Hey, it's great to be here."

TOKYO — Just over a week after he took office, Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda of Japan suffered his first political setback on Saturday when the new minister of trade and industry resigned after a joke about radiation caused a public uproar.

The industry minister, Yoshio Hachiro, stepped down after apologies failed to quell calls for his resignation within his own governing Democratic Party. The party appeared to be moving quickly to control damage to Mr. Noda’s government.

“The government is not responsible for Mr. Hachiro’s general poor performance, including his incomplete set up and lack of comic timing,” Mr. Noda said Saturday.

“They should have known what to expect when the press conference announcement said there was a two drink minimum,” said Shecky Watanabe, Japanese Minister for Economic Development, followed by a rimshotv from his drummer.

A DREAM DEFERRED

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, good guys and bad guys, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, 스타게이트유니버스, ανόητο άτομα, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Money and Power, music, News, Nichola Tesla, ученые, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, rimshot wav download, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Tasmania, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Uncategorized, Vegemite, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים, سياسة on March 17, 2009 by paulboylan

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My house was recently remodeled, and I am disappointed. To make matters worse, my disappointment is causing me to question my goals and dreams.

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Me, standing in the wreckage of my dreams...

Me, standing in the wreckage of my dreams...

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My disappointment has nothing to do with the work that was done.  The construction company that did the work – North State Residential Development – did a great job.

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Rob - God of Electricity and other stuff

Rob - God of Electricity and other stuff

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The work was performed on time and on budget.  North State more or less built me a new home in five months.  No one in my neighborhood believed it was possible.  But these guys worked on weekends, in the dark and even in the rain to get the job done.

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The men responsible for my bitter disappointment.

The men responsible for my bitter disappointment.

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But every time I look at my new home I cannot put behind me the hopes I had when I originally decided to remodel my home. You see, I am an evil genius, and that means I have always wanted a secret lair. Allow me to explain.

There are lots of evil geniuses in the world – but they are not all created equal.Sure, there are high profile evil geniuses sitting around in big chairs, stroking persian cats and using their genius to plan and execute diabolical plans to threaten the world with the goal of getting rich.

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My role model - Ernst Stavro Blofeld

My role model - Ernst Stavro Blofeld

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Despite these few “stars” most evil geniuses live very humble lives. We have families. We go to church on Sundays.


Secretly evil.

Secretly evil.

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But we live secret lives where we dream of threatening humanity with extinction in order to become enormously wealthy.

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I am that kind of evil genius.  My extreme evil and my uncanny genius are well established.  How else do you explain my otherwise unexplainable success?  I’ve spent my life crafting a respectable persona that hides my secret evil identity – Professor Iniquitous.  Over the years I have hatched countless ingenious plans for taking over the world – none of which I have been able to execute.

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There is one primary reason why I haven’t taken over the world yet.  It isn’t the lack of sufficient evil.  If the editors over at Merriam Webster knew about me,  the word “evil” in their dictionary would have my picture next to it.  And I do not lack for genius.  I am always the smartest guy in the room and I know all of the answers to questions asked on television quiz shows.  Nevertheless, I lack the one thing that all successful evil geniuses possess:  membership in the Amalgamation of Evil Geniuses (AEG).

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The AEG is an international labor union that more or less controls all evil genius activity on this planet.  You can’t really be an evil genius without belonging to AEG.  And to join AEG you must have a secret lair – a private place to conduct your evil experiments and hatch your evil plans.

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So when my wife and I talked about remodeling our home, I was very excited about the possibilities of including a secret lair in the project.With a secret lair, I finally had a chance of joining AEG – and after that happened, it was only a matter of time before the world would be mine.

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The contractor at North State loved the idea.I talked to their architect, who drew up the plans and even made a 3D computer simulation of what my secret lair would look like after it was built.I sat there in the architect’s office as he showed me my underground secret lair – my future laboratory, my control room, my nuclear missile silo, my shark tank and the kitchen where my evil minions could microwave hot pocket snacks.It was a dream come true.

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Then I saw the price.  Underground lairs are very, very expensive.  So we began to reduce the project. The shark tank was the first thing to go.  I really didn’t need a shark tank.I could use other means to dispose of the secret agents sent to stop me.

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Then I gave up the missile silo.Nuclear weapons were old fashioned. I could eventually replace the nuclear missile with a much less expensive death ray.

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Even with these sacrifices, the costs associated with a secret lair were just too high to afford. More and more of what I wanted was cut away until eventually I was left with what amounts to a secret closet in the garage.

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Don’t get me wrong:the closet is very secret.  Unless you knew what to look for you wouldn’t really notice it.  But it is still a closet.  I can stand in it, but that’s about it.  I really cannot use it to menace the world.

And that is exactly what AEG told me when I sent them a picture of my secret closet attached to my membership application.They wrote and told me

The AEG New Member Selection Committee has decided to hold onto your application until such time that you improve upon your secret lair to meet or exceed AEG’s secret lair standards as described in the AEG publication “So You Think You Have a Secret Lair…” a copy of which is enclosed for your convenience.

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So I guess my plans for world domination are going to have to wait.  Maybe I should reconsider this whole evil genius thing.In the meantime, I am using my secret closet to store some gardening supplies…

Wait! That gives me an idea – a beautifully evil idea!  I can infect seemingly ordinary gardening supplies to spread bacteria genetically engineered to transform people from home gardeners into an army of zombie slaves!  Mooohahahahah!!

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I am back, baby!

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