Archive for the Stupid People Category

HEADLINE – PR campaign for the apocalypse seems to be working

Posted in American Decline, Brave New World, dada, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Fire and Ice, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, News, Stupid People, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA! on May 23, 2011 by paulboylan

Heaven is apparently going to be minority-free.


MUNCIE –  Evangelical American Christians are not satisfied predicting the end of the world. So they hired a public relations firm to convince the rest of the world that the end is near.

 “More people than ever before are open to the idea of the End of Days,” says Ralf Rabinowitz, Chief Account Executive at Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz & Murphy, one of the world’s top PR firms with corporate offices headquartered in New York City.

Ralf Rabinowi

 “We started with some catchy slogans,” said Rabinowitz. “ ‘The apocalypse is great!’ has appeared on bill boards everywhere in five languages. ‘Capture the Rapture’ was my own idea,” Rabinowitz continued.

 It seems to be working.

 “If you asked me how I felt about the end of the world a year ago, I would have been skeptical,” said Phil Henderson of Fort Wayne, New Jersey. “But now I feel, what the hell, why not?”

 

Phil Henderson

“As long as I am among those who are yanked up to heaven when the rapture comes, then I am for it,” said Samantha Dunning of Mar Vista, California. “Everyone else can just go to hell. Literally.”

Samantha Dunning (right)

 Evangelical churches have poured millions of dollars into the PR campaign to convince non believers that the end is near.


 “It’s good for business,” said Harold Camping, an evangelical radio preacher who has predicted the end of the world six times in the last 20 years. “As long as the money keeps rolling in, I plan on keep predicting Doomsday.”

Harold Camping

Camping owns a corporation that manufactures the materials used to make signs announcing the end of the world.

Cha – ching!

 Source: http:// pr-campaign-for-the-apocalypse-seems-to-be-working

Racist Christians are in for a surprise.

HEADLINE – Trump takes credit for bin Laden death

Posted in American Decline, dada, Headline, Headlines, Humor, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 2, 2011 by paulboylan

Donald Trump

MUNCIE – Real estate mogul and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took credit tonight for Osama bin Laden’s death.

“I am very proud of the fact that, by forcing the President to produce his birth certificate, that the President was finally able to concentrate and put the time and effort into apprehending and killing that bin Laden guy,” said Trump in New York tonight.

“It is no coincidence that bin Laden was killed right after the President produced the long form of his birth certificate, which I made him do,” Trump said.

Trump recently announced that he will seek the presidency after his television show “Celebrity Apprentice” concludes.

An anonymous source within the White House confirmed that, when President Obama learned of Trump’s decision, the President smiled, said “excellent” and began stroking a Persian cat sitting on the President’s lap.

Representatives of the GOP were not available for comment.

HEADLINE – “Birthers” attack Obama for releasing birth certificate

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Mad Men, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, satire, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 1, 2011 by paulboylan

A prominent crazy person hooting like a loon on Fox News.

Donald Trump hooting like a loon for an audience in Las Vegas.

Sara Palin hooting like a loon for supporters in Boston

John Boehner hooting like a loon in Washington D.C.

Rick Perry hooting like a loon in Texas.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia hooting like a loon.

Michelle Bachmann hooting like a loon in Cleveland, Ohio

Mitt Romney hooting like a loon in Spartanburg, South Carolina.

MUNCIE - Republican leaders on Thursday slammed President Obama’s release of his detailed birth certificate as a distraction from the issue of whether or not he was born in the United States.

“Its a distraction from our distraction,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said on “CNN Newsroom,” referring to Obama’s decision to release his long-form birth certificate.

Reince Preibus with a silly big hammer. Like the kind of hammer a judge uses in court, but way bigger.

“The whole ‘show us your birth certificate’ thing was the greatest non issue in American political history, totally distracting millions of people from the real issues,” Preibus continued. “It’s maddening that the President would put an end to our yelling and screaming for him to show us his birth certificate by actually disproving our idiotic charges – charges that have never been made against any other sitting president or any candidate for the presidency.”

Born in Panama, but his citizenship has never been questioned.

“Well, that isn’t entirely true,” Preibus then admitted. “There was a persistent rumor that Grover Cleveland was born in Canada.”

Probably Canadian.

“But no one made an issue of it because Cleveland wasn’t …. he wasn’t like Obama,” Preibus said and ran off.

Preibus running away.

Most birthers feel the issue is not settled: “Okay, so he was born in Hawaii,” said Donald Trump, billionaire birther and possible Republican presidential candidate.

Donald Trump reacts to Obama proving he was born in Hawaii.

“But science has proven that the blacks, they just aren’t good in school. How could Obama go to Harvard much less be president?”

It just doesn’t seem possible.

“It just doesn’t make scientific sense. I am prepared to show that a black man couldn’t possibly have been smart enough to go to Harvard, and to prove it I have investigators researching Obama’s elementary school report cards.  The word is his grades were bad, very bad. The word is he failed gym because he wouldn’t play dodge ball, which is exactly what someone born in Kenya would do. The word is that Kenyans hate dodge ball.”

Everybody knows Africans prefer basketball.

“The only way a black man could get into Harvard is through Affirmative Action, so all the stories about Obama being a smart negro are clearly a fraud,” Trump concludes.

Trump, quoting “The Bell Curve” and loving it.

“Heck, do they even let those people go to college?” asked Marilyn Davenport, a Republican official in Southern California. “They didn’t allow that sort of thing in my day,” Davenport said.

Marilyn Davenport, arguing in favor of repealing the Voting Rights Act.

“It’s all fun, it’s all a circus, it’s all a rodeo, until it starts to smack of racism. And then it’s no longer fun,” late night talk show host David Letterman said.

“We dwell in a time when buffoons are elevated and presidents are compelled to respond to the jester. These circumstances cannot bode well for the republic,” said Kathleen Parker of the Washington Post.

“It’s not about proving anything that’s real. It’s about demonizing someone, in this case the president of the United States, by pursuing a lie under the guise of pursuing the truth. Some of the foot soldiers in this illicit campaign may be stupid, but the intent behind it is clearly thought out. If you don’t move away from it, you stand with bigotry and stupidity. We need to shine a light on those who, in the name of patriotism, defile the ideas they pretend to defend,” said Marcos Benton, in an editorial for the Sacramento Bee.

“This isn’t over,” declared Orly Taitz, real estate agent, plumber, soon-to-be-disbarred attorney and self proclaimed “Queen” of the birther movement.

Wait for it….

“I have a piece of paper that proves Obama is Hitler, Stalin and Martha Stewart,” Taitz said just prior to her head exploding from natural causes.

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Sources:

http://gop-pivots-on-birther-questions-blames-obama-html

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/david-letterman

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/birthers_buffoonery

http://www.sacbee.com/9 

HEADLINE – Republican Leader “Obama as Chimp Photo Not Racist”

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fire and Ice, Get a job, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, It's not what you think, Mad Men, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on April 18, 2011 by paulboylan


“The Chinese are cheaper than the Jews,” says Marilyn Davenport at a recent news conference.

SANTA ANA –  A prominent Tea Party organizer has come under fire for sending an email containing a photograph depicting President Barack Obama as a chimpanzee.

“There is nothing racist about comparing African Americans with monkeys,” said Marilyn Davenport, an elected member of the Orange County Republican central committee.

Davenport sent the e-mail on Friday. The “family photo” attached to Davenport’s email features the commander-in-chief as a baby chimpanzee with two chimp parents.

Nothing racist about this.

“My position would be I am concerned, knowing what the responsibility is of a president,” Davenport said. “I guess we should know his origin, shouldn’t we?”

In 2009 Davenport rose to national notoriety when she defended the former Republican mayor of Los AlamitosDean Grose when Grose emailed a photo showing a watermelon patch in front of the White House.

Nothing racist about this at all.

“There is nothing racist about predicting that President Obama will grow watermelons on the White house lawn,” said Davenport, adding that it is a “well-known fact that the blacks enjoy watermelon after eating fried chicken.”

Totally not racist.

“They also enjoy malt liquor,” Davenport added.

Davenport defended former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols when Nichols objected to beach improvements because Mexicans would utilize the improvements.

Dick Nichols – not a racist.

“There is nothing racist about complaining that there are too many Mexicans using our local beaches, ruining it for the rest of us,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that your basic Mexican isn’t as clean as normal people.”  Davenport went on to state that “those people” should speak English.

Ruining our white beaches.

Davenport also defended a Republican women’s club in San Bernardino County that sent out a  newsletter with a fake “food stamp” showing Barack Obama surrounded by fried chicken, watermelon and ribs.

If you think this is racist, then you are a racist for thinking that.

“There is nothing racist about associating the president – who is half-black – with fried chicken, watermelon and ribs,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that many people on welfare, almost all of them black, use food stamps to purchase fried chicken, watermelon, ribs and Kool Aid. Those people just love Kool Aid,” Davenport opined.

Nothing racist about this whatsoever.

Davenport’s supporters argue that the entire controversy is a big misunderstanding.

“All Marilyn was doing was sharing a racist joke with a few of her closest racist friends, which is nothing more than an exercise of her rights of free speech as an American citizen.  If Marilyn is guilty of anything, she is guilty of not taking the time and care to identify her truly racist friends, and separate them from those she knows who are just pretending to be racist,” said an anonymous source close to Davenport.

Her supporter was wearing this t-shirt.

“I think it’s only racist when the intent in my heart is to make it that way, and that was not the intent in my heart,” Davenport said outside her suburban ranch-style home.

In her heart she knows she isn’t racist.

“I’m gaining weight, my period has stopped, I have morning sickness but I’m not pregnant,” said Davenport’s 18 year old niece, Buffy. “A person can only be pregnant if they personally think they are pregnant, and if they don’t think they are, then they aren’t.”

Buffy Davenport

“In my heart I know I’m not pregnant,” said Buffy as she tried to cross a busy highway on foot because, in her heart, she “intended” the freeway to be a garden path.

An unknown person who received the email from Davenport was offended and reported the incident to the local media.  Davenport and her supporters are attempting to ascertain the identity of this “race traitor.”

Sources:  

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2011/04/17/2011-04-H 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_obama_offensive_email;_ -

HEADLINE – Will Kate Middleton wear a tiara for the royal wedding?

Posted in dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, News, Paying Attention, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on March 5, 2011 by paulboylan

Yes, friends, this is a real headline. Don’t believe me? Click here and see for yourself. WRk

But, in all honesty, who really gives a flying f**k?  Anyone?  Really?  If you do, you desperately need to get a life, or a hobby, or something to occupy your abysmally vacant mind.


HEADLINE – Will Paul Boylan wear a tiara when he eats breakfast tomorrow morning?

Posted in Anyone enraptured by royal weddings is an idiotdadadisembodied heads of the rich and famousHapax LegomenonHeadlineHeadlinesI have a bridge for sale you simply must purchase!I’m not kiddingmorbidly obese celebritiesNewsPaying AttentionPop CulturePost Modern Knock-Knock JokesSemi Fake NewsStupid PeopleThe Wilhelm ScreamTravelWhat are you sick or something?Why do people in other countries talk funny?

DAVIS - Should Paul Boylan don a tiara tomorrow when he eats his customary morning bowl of bran cereal, he will be joining a tradition which goes all the way back to the leaders of ancient Persia. “The upright tiara, the privileged head-dress of the Persian Kings while eating breakfast,” quotes the Oxford English Dictionary from a 19th Century history book. The word comes from Greek, and partly Italian, via Latin. As if it matters. Which it doesn’t, but we put that bit of trivia here because, well, just because we have a lot of space to fill and very little to say and wikipedia is just so darned easy to access, even though it is likely it isn’t very accurate or even truthful.

But we digress. What were we talking about?  Oh yeah, tiaras.  According to wikipedia, notables from popes to princesses have been wearing tiaras for centuries when they eat breakfast, and it is rumored that Boylan has a treasure trove of tiaras that have been passed down from generation to generation of some notable family that one of Boylan’s ancestors robbed blind sometime in the early 18th Century. Tiaras are properly worn not only while eating bran cereal – because bowel health is important, especially for the elderly – tiaras are an essential part of anyone’s breakfast wardrobe. There’s the spectacular “Indian” tiara, made for Queen Victoria, and worn by Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother when she ate a large bowl of stewed prunes for breakfast during her State Visit to France in 1933. The bowl she ate from was chinese porcelain from the Ming Dynasty period, or at least that is what it says on wikipedia. It is widely rumored the Queen Mum ate those prunes using her hands with great gusto, audibly manifesting her pleasure, and the resulting mess caused undue embarrassment due to French ridicule over the brown goo covering the Queen Mum’s face and hands coupled with the loud “yummy sounds” she made as she ate, resulting in a pivotal loss of British prestige and influence and quite possibly contributing to Hitler’s rise due to the resulting European power vacuum, but those rumors cannot be verified.

NEXT:  Gaddafi performs puppet show for children.

The broken wall, the burning roof and tower, and Agamemnon dead.

HEADLINE- Rep. Chris Lee resigns after reports of Craigslist flirtation

Posted in American Decline, Art, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Family and Friends, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Internet Fun!, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Moral Rights, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Small Town America, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 12, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana - Rep. Chris Lee of New York abruptly resigned after a gossip Web site reported that the married Republican had allegedly sent flirtatious e-mail messages and a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met online.

“In February of 2011 Representative Chris Lee was found to have been posting personal ads on Craigslist looking for women and lying about his age and marriage after e-mails and risque photos he sent to a woman were uncovered.”


“The liberal media is at it again,” said Shirley Blond-Bigbreast, Fox News anchor and GOP apologist.


“The real story here is that this latest incident is proof that the Republican Party is making progress solving right wing sex scandals,” Blond-Bigbreast said.  “Sure, Chris Lee solicited multiple strangers on the internet for sex and lied to them about his age and marital status, but least he isn’t gay.”


Sources:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906912.html

http://gawker.com/#!5756377/craigslist-congressman-resigns

Filed Under: RepublicansCongressRepressed homosexuality among conservatives
Tagged: chris leechris lee craigslistchris lee resignationchris lee shirtlesschris lee trying to look buff to impress what he clearly hopes is a stupid woman


HEADLINE – Chavez says he won’t give up decree powers

Posted in Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Headline, Headlines, Joseph Bleckman, News, Our animal friends, Stupid People, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on January 24, 2011 by paulboylan

"You're thinking of the number 7..."

MUNCIE, Indiana - Venezuela strong man Hugo Chavez said yesterday he will not give up his decree powers.

“Under no circumstances will I even consider giving up my decree powers,” Chavez said.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110121/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/lt_venezuela_chavez;_ylt=ArnyDzHwkaiTMb8aNJzTbmOs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFicjRrbzNkBHBvcwM1NQRzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX3dvcmxkBHNsawNjaGF2ZXpzYXlzaGU-


A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

Posted in American Decline, Brave New World, dada, Droit Moral, Family and Friends, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, News, pandemic, Paying Attention, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Small Town America, Steampunk, Stupid People, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on January 22, 2011 by paulboylan

So I was in bed last night watching television with my wife and we were discussing gun control.

There is no more divisive issue sui generis to the American experience and national psyche than the question of gun control.  I am often asked to appear as a guest speaker on topics touching on constitutional rights.  I always begin those talks by quickly describing my travels and experience living and working with people from similar and vastly different cultures.  Because of my exposure to different cultures I am very much aware of what makes Americans different from anyone else on earth. I also know that very few Americans are aware of that difference.

So I ask groups of people whenever I can what it is that makes Americans different and distinct as a culture.  It often isn’t easy for them to determine because they’ve never considered the question before. Most of them have never been more than 50 miles from where they were born and most of them live near people who look, talk and think the same way they do.

But eventually the Socratic method succeeds in helping my audience discover the truth – i.e,  that it is the rights we enjoy as Americans that makes us fundamentally different.  Americans experience a level of freedom no one else in the world can exercise.

Which prompts the inevitable follow-up question. I ask “What freedoms are uniquely American?”

The answer I get varies from audience to audience, but I am always surprised how often the answer is the right to bear arms.

Those who believe this, of course, are wrong.  The right to bear arms isn’t fundamentally or uniquely American.  The Taliban in Afghanistan believe the same thing and are willing to kill anyone who attempts to compromise their right to own and use fire arms.

I bring this up only to illustrate how important it is to own firearms to many, many Americans.  It is so important that millions of Americans value the right to bear arms above the rights of speech, assembly and movement.

I am not that extreme in my views, but I do feel the right to bear arms is an important right if for no other reason than it is expressly mentioned in the American Constitution.  My wife disagrees.  She believes that the American Founding Fathers’ viewpoint is important, but not controlling because time has made their worldview – their original intent – absurd.

You can see her argument best expressed here:

http://www.examiner.com/video

 

Gun control is a fairly hot topic, which is why my wife and I were discussing the topic while watching television last night.

The recent horrific shootings in Tuscon, Arizona are at the forefront of all of our minds. My wife is upset and believes Arizona should have more potent gun control regulations.  In the heat of our discussion she said “guns kill people.”

I was ready for that argument. “Blaming guns for killing people,” I retorted, “is like blaming spoons for obesity.”

I felt pretty good about that statement. It was eloquent and elegant, bordering on poetry.

We sat in silence a while, me feeling a bit smug, and then my wife said:

“Yeah, but if crazy people were running around killing 9 year old girls with spoons, I bet we would have some spoon control laws pretty quick.”

God, I love my wife.


HEADLINE – Toxic Waste Bars Have Hazardous Levels Of Lead, Recalled

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Scientists, morbid obesity, News, Nichola Tesla, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Rotwang, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on January 17, 2011 by paulboylan

LOS ANGELES –  Candy bars called “Toxic Waste Chew Bars” have been recalled because a sample lot was found to have high levels of lead – 0.24 parts per million, as opposed to the FDA tolerance of 0.1ppm.

“We clearly labeled those candy bars as Toxic Waste,” said Vinnie Slimp, Vice President of Marketing for Circle City Marketing and Distributors, producers of Toxic Waste Chew Bars.

Vinnie Slimp

“It states quite clearly on the wrapper that the ingredients include three kinds of lead, arsenic, dioxin, chromium 6, spent nuclear fuel and there is also a clear warning that the candy may contain traces of tree or ground nuts,” Slimp said.

“It isn’t our fault when someone ignores these clear warnings and actually eats that stuff,” Slimp concluded.


Circle City Marketing and Distributors  is also recalling  “Deadly Poison Gum Drops” which they also produce and market.

Both Toxic Waste Chew Bars and Deadly Poison Gum Drops are manufactured in China.

Source: http://www.ecoworld.com/agriculture/toxic-candy-bars-recalled-for-lead-content.html


Can you say “Brown Shirts?”

Posted in American Decline, Brave New World, Hate Crimes, Hubris, IN MEMORIAM, Mad Men, pandemic, Paying Attention, Politics, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God on October 26, 2010 by paulboylan

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The good people of Kentucky are going to send Rand Paul and his supporters to the United States congress.

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Look, I don’t like them either, but you don’t go stepping on people’s heads because you disagree with what they have to say. That isn’t conservative. That isn’t American. It is unacceptable.

“Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to my death your right to say it.”

God bless America and save us from ourselves.

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HEADLINE: Montana GOP policy: Male homosexuality illegal

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, Free Utilization Doctrine, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Nichola Tesla, Parody, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Small Town America, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wrath of God, Uncategorized, What are you sick or something? on September 18, 2010 by paulboylan

HELENA, Mont. – At a time when gays have been gaining victories across the country, the Republican Party in Montana still wants to make male homosexuality illegal.

The party adopted an official platform in June that keeps a long-held position in support of making homosexual acts illegal, a policy adopted after the Montana Supreme Court struck down such laws in 1997.

However, Montana GOP officials believe that targeting male homosexuality, leaving lesbianism legal, will satisfy social conservatives and prove the party’s tolerance.

“If you read the Bible real careful like, you will see that God doesn’t mention girl-on-girl action at all,” said Track Mannhole, Montana Tea Party spokesperson.  “God hates fags, not lesbians,” Mannhole concludes.

Perfectly fine.

Biblical scholars agree. “The Biblical prohibition against homosexuality is found only in Leviticus,” observes Krista Schnurstein, Director of Religious Studies at the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. “But only male homosexuality is criminalized and punished by death,” Schnurstein continues. “The writers of the Torah conspicuously left out any mention of female homosexuality from the long list of prohibited activities.  It is almost as if they said ‘sex between men – forbidden; sex between women – no comment.”

"That which is not expressly forbidden is permitted."

 

This conspicuous biblical omission is at the heart of the Montana GOP’s new drive to outlaw male homosexuality. As Mannhole explains “If you think about it, it makes sense that those old prophets would exclude lesbians from the list. Male homosexuality is, well, sort of disgusting, whereas female homosexuality is sort of hot.”



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HEADLINE – Doctor dies in chimney

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Astronomy, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, IN MEMORIAM, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Life, News, neşeli, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Weird Stuff, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on September 1, 2010 by paulboylan

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Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. – A doctor involved in an “on-again, off-again” relationship apparently tried to force her way into her boyfriend’s home by sliding down the chimney, police said Tuesday. Her decomposing body was found there three days later.

Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac, 49, first tried to get into the house with a shovel, then climbed a ladder to the roof last Wednesday night, removed the chimney cap and slid feet first down the flue, Bakersfield police Sgt. Mary DeGeare said.

It was a good plan, and might have worked, but Dr. Kotarac apparently forgot that, when she became a physician, she lost the powers of Santa Claus,” DeGeare said. “The same thing happens to lawyers, accountants and professional writers.”

Source:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100901/ap_on_re_us/us_woman_in_chimney;_ylt=AtbQBQyyKtOwWcjgF.pksXGs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFpZWZrdGI2BHBvcwMzOARzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX21vc3RfcG9wdWxhcgRzbGsDY29wc2NhbGlmZG9j

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Obama IS a secret Muslim!

Posted in American Decline, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Mad Men, News, Op Ed, pandemic, Paying Attention, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Small Town America, Stupid People, Television, The Wrath of God on August 19, 2010 by paulboylan

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Anyone who believes that Barak Obama is a secret Muslim is an idiot.

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Anyone who thinks it matters what religion – if any – the President practices is a bigger idiot.

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Anyone who believes that Islamist extremists want to build a “victory mosque” at the site of the 9-ll World Trade Center (Ground Zero) is incapable of the minimal critical thinking skills necessary to be an active American citizen and should be forcibly sterilized and prohibited from voting.

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They also want englich proclaimed the ofishal langwaj

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WEBSITE/VIDEO OF THE WEEK (Must See)

Posted in Avatar, Battlestar Galactica, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Hapax Legomenon, Internet Fun!, Mad Men, Nichola Tesla, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Science, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, The Matrix, Uncategorized, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on July 20, 2010 by paulboylan

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This vid shows off a website that allows you to write a script for two animated  characters who speak your dialogue in electronic voices.

I can’t wait to try it.

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New Feature! SEARCH TERM OF THE WEEK

Posted in Art, Brave New World, Hapax Legomenon, It's not what you think, Life, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Small Town America, Stupid People, What are you sick or something? on June 23, 2010 by paulboylan

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A lot of people visit my site because they googled a search term that directed them here.  Some of these search terms amuse me because I have no idea what I posted that could possibly cause google to pinpoint my blog as a response to the particular search term.

For example, today I had two visitors access my blog because they googled the following phrase:

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FAT PUBLIC MOUND

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I know what they are looking for but they are barking up the wrong tree because I have never posted anything even remotely related to that direct or implied subject matter.

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REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Art, Artists Rights, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Berne Convention, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Moral Rights, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Our animal friends, pandemic, Parody, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, satire, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, South Korea, Space, Sports, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stoats, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmania, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TRIPs, TV, Uncategorized, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, West Korea, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on December 23, 2009 by paulboylan

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike.

Ah, those halcyon days! – when men selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, but the major studios wouldn’t give them more money.  And so they went on strike.


Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.



The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

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AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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RESTAURANT REVIEW

Posted in Art, Avatar, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, buffo, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Getting it Right, Globalization, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Life, Mad Men, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Op Ed, Photography, Pop Culture, Review, Small Town America, Smiley Face, snaaks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Television, The Matrix, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Uncategorized, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on December 17, 2009 by paulboylan

Last Saturday my wife and I ate at Ming Tu’s – a restaurant located at 1158 “L” Street in Downtown Sacramento.  Ming Tu’s serves Asian” inspired” food in a casual setting.

Not affiliated with Ming Tu in any way whatsoever.

Many people have eaten at Ming Tu’s.  Some of them have written reviews that can be found at http://www.yelp.com/biz/ming-tus-asian-diner-sacramento.  For example, Karina of Elk Grove writes:

“I’ve been here twice – with coworkers and with friends.  The food is definitely an Americanized version of Chinese food, but far better than Panda Express. Love their Mongolian beef over brown rice.”



Moo N of Sacramento writes:

“I work a couple of blocks from here so I have had opportunity to eat here often.  Each time I have eaten here, I have been quite happy.  The teriyaki chicken with rice is my fave and I love the fried rice too!  I love rice so if you do too you should definitely partake :-)”



My dining experience was a little different from Katrina’s and Moo’s. My meal was not as good as theirs. So this is going to be a negative restaurant review.



Over the years I’ve written plenty of restaurant reviews, may of them negative, and when I write a negative review I spend a lot of time describing what I ate and how it was served. Then I complain a lot.


I feel this is a special case. The usual descriptions of the food and service and the usual complaining just wouldn’t be enough to properly express how I feel about this dining experience. So I’m not going to describe the food or the service. I’m not going to make fun of the owner’s funny accent. I am not going to mock the handicapped busboy.  Instead, I will simply describe what I did after I left Ming Tu’s.



After I paid the bill and my wife and I left the restaurant, I immediately walked to a nearby church and prayed that God would reach down with His mighty hand and, with a fist of divine fury, smite Ming Tu’s, crushing it down to the bedrock, destroying it utterly.



I know what you are thinking. You think I over reacted.  You are thinking: “Aw, come on, Paul. The meal couldn’t have been so bad that you would call upon the Creator of the Universe to smite those responsible. “



If you are thinking this, you are wrong.  You weren’t there. You didn’t pay good money for really bad Chinese food. It was so bad that I felt, and still feel, within my rights as a God fearing Christian to call upon the power of Almighty God to send down destruction upon Ming Tu’s and punish all those responsible for my mediocre dining experience.



Now you are thinking: “Okay, Paul, let’s assume for the sake of argument that the meal you were served wasn’t very good.  Is that sufficient reason for calling for divine retribution? Isn’t being served a bad meal at a restaurant a trivial reason for calling upon the divine power of God Almighty to smite those who displeased you?”



Not at all.  And if you think that, then you probably are not a Christian.


Or you might be a Socialist.


A Socialist Atheist, that’s what you are, if you think there is anything wrong with me asking God to smite anyone I don’t like or destroy any business that has provided less than acceptable service.



Every day, ordinary people from all walks of life call upon the power of the Lord to avenge them – often for seemingly trivial reasons. My own Aunt reads the Bible every day and goes to church every Sunday – and every single day she prays to Baby Jesus that her neighbor die of a heart attack.

Her neighbor is a liberal who plays that jazz music much too loud. And he voted for Obama. Who is a secret Muslim.


But I digress.  My point is that it is perfectly okay to call upon the power of God to right any wrong, no matter how trivial the wrong may appear. The Bible shows us that God responds in dramatic ways to correct what seem to be trivial wrongs.


For example, in 2 Kings 23-25, the prophet Elisha, who had a bald head, cast a “curse unto God” at a bunch of young boys who were making fun of Elisha’s bald head.  Now, you non-Christian, socialist liberal secret Muslims will say that what those kids did was no big deal.  Well, God didn’t think so.  In response to Elisha’s curse, God sent two female bears to kill forty-two of those boys.



So Elisha called upon the divine power of the Creator of the Universe to punish a bunch of boys who made fun of him. I am calling upon that same power to smite a restaurant that served me a lousy meal.  I honestly don’t see the difference. I fully expect to see a big hole in the ground where Ming Tu’s used to be when I next drive or walk by that place.



I’ll let you know if it happens.


HEADLINE – Iran slams Swiss, warns of rising Islamophobia

Posted in Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Evil Smiley Face, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Mad Men, News, pandemic, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on December 9, 2009 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana – Iran criticized a Swiss ban on the construction of minarets on mosques, and warned of rising Islamophobia in Europe, Iranian English-language news agency Press TV reported Saturday.

“This ban is a manifestation of an irrational and baseless fear of fundamentalist Islam,” said Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki, who then placed a “fatwa” on those responsible for the ban.


“I call upon all True Believers who fear and worship Allah to find and kill the Swiss politicians who voted in favor of this unjust law that serves no purpose other than to spread Islamophobia,” Mottaki said. “Find these infidels,” Mottaki instructed, “cut off their heads, kill their families and post videos of our revenge on Youtube for other Infidels to download and see during their spare time,” Mottaki concluded.


A “fatwa” is a death sentence that Muslim clergy can impose on anyone who displeases them. Those who carry out the fatwa receive prizes and extra virgins in the afterlife.


“Death to all those who spread Islamophobia!” shouted Abu Salla, a student in Pakistan, who hopes to win a toaster oven after killing Swiss politicians.

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“Soon everyone will be too afraid to be afraid of us!” Salla concluded.


“YOU LIE!”

Posted in 3D, American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Bigotry in America, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, GOP, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Life, Mad Men, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Tasmania, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on September 29, 2009 by paulboylan

JOE WILSON AND THE AMERICAN WAY

I want to talk to you about Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled Barak Obama by yelling “you lie!” when the president was addressing a joint session of congress.

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He looks retarded, but he is more than that.

He looks retarded, but he is more than that.

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The liberal media has expressed extreme outrage over this incident, accusing Wilson of being everything from a boorish idiot to a racist.

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Victim of the liberal media

Victim of the liberal media

Don’t let that outrage fool you. What Wilson did is no big deal – especially when viewed through the lens of American history.  A congressman yelling “you lie!” at the president during a presentation to congress is not only a trivial event, the event itself fits well within the American traditions of political free speech.

The American Way

The American Way

To begin with, allow me to remind you what it means to be an American.  More than anything else, being an American means having the constitutional right to speak your mind.  Many Americans take this important freedom for granted.  But those outside our great nation know how special and precious it is. During the great wave of immigration that took place near the beginning of the 20th Century – the time my Greek ancestors came to this country – immigrants wrote home saying that the streets of American cities were “paved with gold.”


In a literal sense this wasn’t true.  But to people escaping tyranny, oppression and poverty, the freedoms and opportunities that came with merely walking on American soil were priceless.  Where they came from, no matter how hard they worked they could never hope for a better life for their children.  In America, men and women who are willing to work hard can shape their own futures.  In their homelands, these immigrants could be arrested and imprisoned for saying the wrong thing.  But in America they could argue in the streets and express their opinions freely.


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What the liberal media wants us to forget is that the right of free speech includes the right to get angry.  When Joe Wilson interrupted the President of the United States by shouting “you lie!” Citizen Joe was merely exercising his rights as an American and was taking part in a tradition that spans our nation’s noble history.

The American Founding Fathers were notoriously cranky, rude, angry men who openly hated each other.  Benjamin Franklin hated Thomas Paine. Thomas Paine hated George Washington. George Washington hated all French intellectuals – who, in a very real sense, gave birth to the American Revolution.


Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr hated each other so much they fought a duel – and Burr killed Hamilton with a bullet that pierced Hamilton’s liver.  Thomas Jefferson – the man given credit with drafting the American Declaration of Independence – made loud, unmistakable noises simulating flatulence – often using his hand and armpit – every time he encountered his political rival John Adams.  Adams never hesitated to accuse Jefferson of “preferring the company of young boys” and of stealing the design for the swivel chair from Nathaniel Swivel, a Boston furniture maker and brewer.

Nathanial Swivel

Nathaniel Swivel

As our republic grew and matured, so did the salty nature of American political discourse.  Martin Van Buren – our 8th president – and the first American president born in the United States – won the 1832 election in a landslide.  But the Whig Party (now defunct) despised Van Buren and refused to recognize his legitimacy.  They spread rumors that he was born in Holland and that he was secretly a Quaker.

Quaker

Quaker

In conjunction with this rumor campaign, the Whigs engaged in a rhetorical attack utilizing misleading vocabulary. For example, Winfield Scott – a Whig Party organizer – gave a speech in Buffalo, New York accusing Van Buren of vague charges that no one understood but everyone believed.  Scott is quoted as saying:

“In addition to the many crimes Martin Van Buren has committed against the American people as a whole – nay humanity – perhaps most disturbing, if not revolting, is the indisputable fact that Van Buren is a notorious masticator.   Reliable sources close to Van Buren – if that is his real name – confirm that he masticates at least three times a day, often in the presence of his wife. As monstrous as this may seem, Van Buren has also been known to vacillate on numerous occasions.  I put it to you that, not only is Van Buren a vacillator AND a masticator, he vacillates WHILE he masticates! The man has practiced vacillation and chronic mastication ever since he was a small child in Holland!”

These Whig tactics worked: the public turned against Van Buren, with many refusing to shake his hand for fear of where it may have been.  Whig congressmen and senators began pelting Van Buren with rotten vegetables whenever he spoke publically. The threat of violence became so pronounced that Van Buren would carry two loaded pistols whenever he addressed congress.

Packing heat

More recently, Republicans unhappy with Franklin Delano Roosevelt – a polio victim confined to a wheel chair – accused Roosevelt of being born in Norway and of secretly being a Free Mason. They would yell “cripple!” and “gimp!” during Roosevelt’s State of the Union addresses, pretending that they were sneezing.

He killed and ate this child.

He killed and ate this child.

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So, when seen through the lens of history, Joe Wilson’s yelling, “you lie!” at Obama during the the President’s State of the Union Address, or Arizona Governor Jan Brewer jabbing her finger into the President’s face while yelling at him, or even a reporter heckling Obama during a press conference, it really isn’t very important.

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Maybe it was tourettes.

This never happened when a white president was giving a speech.

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This would never happen to a white president, and never has.

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Perhaps they feel free to disrespect him because he isn’t white, so he can’t really be the president, so they don’t owe him any respect.

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 It is just part of the American way.

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HEADLINE – Ugandan gorillas join Facebook

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Tasmania, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on September 27, 2009 by paulboylan

Endangered Ugandan gorillas join Facebook, MySpace

By Rhappi Khanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Sat Sep 26, 10:53 am ET

KAMPALA, Uganda – Around 340 mountain gorillas — nearly half of the 740 remaining worldwide — have joined Facebook, Myspace and Twitter in an attempt to live it up before the end.

“I figured, what the hell?” explains M’bitah, a male silverback weighing 400 pounds (180 kilograms) who lives in Uganda’s lush Bwindi Impenetrable Forest National Park. “Maybe I can hook up with a willing female and have a little fun before I am shot, killed and eaten,” M’bitah said.

Despite their size — a male silverback can reach over 7 feet (2.1 meters) — the gorillas are threatened by poachers who kill them for meat, farmers and charcoal-burners who encroach on their habitat, and the indiscriminate bullets of rebels on the run.

“We Mountain Gorillas will probably be eaten into extinction within a year or two,” said Kampanga, a female adult mountain gorilla. “But I just got friended by five people on Facebook and 28 people responded to my tweet about scratching my stomach,” she said. “How cool is that?”

“We support efforts to include gorillas within internet based social networks,” said N’kita “Ernie” Ruzigandekwa, President and former Treasurer for the Ugandan Bush Meat Advisory Board, a nonprofit, corporate sponsored interest group that promotes eating gorillas. “The Ugandan mountain gorilla is an elusive creature that is much, much easier to sneak up on when concentrating on updating their Facebook profile,” Ruzigandekwa said.

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MY FAVORITE HOMOSEXUALS

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Tasmania, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on September 16, 2009 by paulboylan


Today I couldn’t help but notice homosexuals all over the place.

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I noticed three homosexuals while I watched television as I made coffee for my wife. I saw half a dozen more as I drove my son to school. I saw another two or three in the supermarket where I stopped to buy milk on my way back home. And, when I parked outside my house, I waved to Ted, my gay neighbor, as he was leaving his house to go to work.

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My gay neighbor, Ted.
My gay neighbor, Ted.

We chatted a bit and both agreed that the weather was fabulous for this time of year.

It wasn’t always this way.  At one time, not so long ago, I could go for months without encountering a homosexual or even noticing one on the street. Other than Richard Simmons, you almost never saw one on TV.

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Richard Simmons. Very gay.
Richard Simmons. Very gay.

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But things have changed.  The media today seems jam-packed with homosexuals – both real and imaginary. For example, on the television show Will and Grace, Eric McCormack – a fine, upstanding heterosexual actor – plays the part of a homosexual lawyer.

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Eric McCormack: not gay.

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While on the television show How I Met Your Mother Neil Patrick Harris, who is gay, plays the part of Barney, who isn’t.

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Neil Patrick Harris: totally gay.
Neil Patrick Harris: totally gay.

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(Harris also played the part of Doogie Howser, which disturbs me.  Somehow I cannot accept that Doogie is gay.)

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What the hell?

What the hell?

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It wasn’t always this way.  In the old days, you could go your whole life without noticing a homosexual.  You could be in the middle of a crowd without realizing you were surrounded by them. Your best friends could have been gay – and probably were – but you would never have known it because they did everything they could to look, sound, dress and live like heterosexuals.  And they were pretty good at it.  Some – like Senator Larry Craig – got married and even had kids just to avoid anyone knowing they were gay. You gotta admire that kind of effort.

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Republican Senator Larry Craig.   Gay - with children.

Republican Senator Larry Craig.   Imagine the effort.

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But now it seems that more and more homosexuals go out of their way to appear “gay” by embodying gay stereotypes.  I see lesbians every day with short hair, often wearing bandanas on their heads, dressed in flannel shirts, wearing extra-long baggy cargo/plaid/khaki shorts and walking in Doc Martins or Birkenstocks.

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(If you are a woman and I just described what you look like, and you are not gay, I’m sorry, but it isn’t my fault: you look like a lesbian).

Every day I see effeminate, lisping, mincing, fastidious, fashion-forward, musical theater loving guys who “simply adore” Betty Davis, and who go out of their way to demonstrate that they throw like a girl. (“Here! Catch!  Don’t I throw like a girl?”)


But I am not one to judge.  I mean that in a literal sense.  I tried it, and I was a terrible judge.  I couldn’t really accept the whole “innocent until proven guilty” slogan.  I mean, if the accused might be innocent, then why were they in jail?  They must have done something wrong, right?  When I found out judges are supposed to be “impartial” I realized I am not one to judge.

Not as easy as it looks.

Not as easy as it looks.

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Neither am I here to debate the issue.  I am not here to say whether the advent of open homosexuality is good or bad.  The last thing I want to do is get involved in a argument over whether homosexuality is a naturally occurring condition – like red hair and freckles – or a mental disease like acute schizophrenia that can be treated with intensive psychotherapy or drugs or even institutionalization.

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As far as I am concerned, both positions have merit, but I don’t want to get involved.

In all honesty, there is a limit to my ability to embrace this brave new world.  I feel I speak for many heterosexuals when I say that there is a certain “ick” factor associated with the concept, if not the practice, of homosexuality.

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We heterosexuals are trying to keep open minds, but we are wired this way and cannot help finding the picture below sort of unsettling on a visceral level.

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And let’s not forget the problems inherent in the persistent argument that the gay lifestyle is an abomination in the eyes of God.  I mean, Leviticus 18:23 really complicates the whole discussion, doesn’t it?

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Repressed homosexuals

Repressed homosexual (the one holding the signs).

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But I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that there are lots of homosexuals out there and I might as well point out the ones I like.  Here is a quick list of the homosexuals I approve of:

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Ellen DeGeneres:


Ellen is American’s Gay Sweetheart.

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She is smart.  She is funny.   She replaced Paula Abdul on American Idol.

When you see Ellen it is easy to overlook that she prefers to have sex with women.


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Karl Rove:

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Karl is one of my favorite homosexuals because he defeats the gay stereotype that male homosexuals are fastidious, well groomed and fashionable.  He does this by being fat and sloppy.  Snap! You go, Karl!

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And, to give balance to this column, my least favorite homosexuals are….

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Elton John:

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Elton hasn’t had a hit for years and that thing on his head is clearly a toupee.  Come on, Elton: spend the money.

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Rosie O’Donnell:

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I detest Rosie O’Donnell.  She is a loud-mouthed, annoying, pompous, self-important, corpulent idiot.  She discredits all homosexuals – especially the fat, ugly ones.


Well, that’s it for my thoughts on homosexuality.  I think I’ll have a beer and watch High School Musical. That show is totally gay.

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HEADLINE – MADONNA BOOED FOR DEFENDING GYPSIES

Posted in Art, Fritz Lang, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Humor, Joseph Bleckman, music, News, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Science, Steampunk, Stupid People, Television, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, TV, Weird Stuff, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on August 27, 2009 by paulboylan

Singer tells Bucharest audience she had a “higher duty to act”

Superhero Action Girl

Action Girl

By Rhappee Kanasta (Ass. Press) Updated 3 hours ago.

BUCHAREST, Romania – Thousands of fans booed pop star Madonna as she donned her alter-ego “Action Girl” during one of her concerts.

Madonna paused in the two-hour concert to leap from the stage into the crowd and save a family of Gypsies, also known as Roma, from armed thugs who were trying to rob the family.

“I came here to see a concert, not a rescue,” said Atila Szapolyai. “I don’t care if Madonna is also a superhero. I paid $175 to watch her sing Like A Virgin, not save the day. If I wanted to watch acts of social responsibility I would have gone to the Al Gore concert.”

After teleporting the criminals to the local jail and making sure the family was all right, Madonna continued the concert without further interruption.

After the concert, Gypsies lined up outside Madonna’s dressing room hoping to be adopted.

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SARAH PALIN AND THE GOP RENAISSANCE – Part 3

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headlines, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on August 20, 2009 by paulboylan


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It has been a while since I’ve appeared here. During my absence I’ve paid close attention to the increasingly hostile national debate that is now focused on health care reform. The way the topic is being debated reinforces my belief the Republican Party is poised for renaissance and that Sarah Palin is key to the GOP’s rebirth.

As I’ve said, I am not addressing these comments to everyone out there who considers themselves conservative Republicans.  As I’ve explained previously, over the last 30 years the term “conservative Republican” has become warped and twisted to include people that hold positions contrary to what the GOP has historically championed.

Considers himself a conservative.

Considers himself a conservative, and is probably a registered Republican

Let me make it simple:  if you believe that Barak Obama can’t be president because he was born in Kenya, or if you think Obama’s health care reform proposals are similar to anything Hitler did,  then stop reading.

Yeah. You. Stop reading. It will only make your brain hurt.

Yeah. You. Stop reading. It will only make your brain hurt.

Go watch Glenn Beck on Fox.

Proof there is a flaw in the First Amendment.

Proof there is a flaw in the First Amendment.

Enjoy yourself.

But stop reading this. You lack the intellectual and/or emotional capacity and/or stability to join the effort to fix what is broken and to help guide the GOP back to national prominence.

I am writing to conservative Republicans who, like me, reluctantly supported Obama because a McCain win that included Palin as his Vice President was too horrifying to event think about.

I am writing to you out there who are watching with equal horror as crazy people disrupt town hall meetings – and then are interviewed on cable news.

I am here to tell you not to worry. The screaming crazies are part of a chain of events that will transform the GOP from its current status as a “rump” political party into a new and stronger national force.  And Sarah Palin is the key to this rebirth.

But before that can happen, we need to admit some basic truths – like the undeniable fact that crazy, stupid people have taken over the GOP.

Crazy+Christians+Protesting+Academy+Awards+BHeKb7Xyebql

Ronald Reagan invited them in.

We need to recognize that this was a mistake.

Republican candidates lose votes every time some middle-aged fat, poorly dressed woman screams “I want my country back!” at a nationally televised town hall meeting or some wild-eyed attorney (who is also a dentist and real estate agent) demonizes Obama by comparing him to Joseph Stalin or Adolf Hitler and calls for the army to revolt against our national government.

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She really said that (the one in the middle).

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When John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, he did so with the hopes of pleasing social conservatives/fundamentalist.  He succeeded.

They flocked to McCain/Palin rallies where they did what they always do at their local school board meetings, city council meetings and county board of supervisor meetings – they screamed and shook their fists in anger.  They demonized their opponents.  They proudly proclaimed their intellectual, educational and worldly ignorance.

Palin encouraged this because she was and is, essentially, a small town politician. She did what she knows, and that included saying and doing really dumb things, and then lying about it.  She pretended to be moral when her record revealed entrenched corruption.  She exploited her Down Syndrome baby because that plays well to small town crowds.

Small town crowds just adore retarded babies.

Small town crowds just adore retarded babies.

Plays GREAT in Wasilla!

A photo op at home!

A photo op at home!

Possibly the most exploited child in America. I'm not saying they should be ashamed of him or hide him. I am saying they actively exploited that poor kid.

Possibly the most exploited child in America. I'm not saying they should be ashamed of him or hide him. I am saying they actively exploited that poor kid.

I take that back. These were the most exploited children in America.  Remember: marriage is a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.

I take that back. These were the most exploited children in America. Remember: marriage is a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.

But it did not play well to the national American audience.  McCain, to his credit, tried to manage the damage, but it was too late. Palin gave the crazies a reason, a platform, a place to do their crazy political thing in front of the whole world.

And that is why McCain lost. Although he is a true conservative, he had no choice but to choose Palin as his running mate because the GOP is dependent on the lunatic fringe’s money and support in the same way a drug addict is dependent on his or her supplier.  But when moderate conservatives saw the lunatics screaming at Palin rallies, McCain lost the moderate vote, which lost him the election.

Don't think it didn't hurt.

Don't think it didn't hurt.

Dont think it doesnt still hurt. Dont you understand? The GOP left us no choice.

Don't think it doesn't still hurt. Don't you understand? The GOP left us no choice.

Palin’s resignation as Alaska’s governor freed her to reach out to the crazies who support her.  In essence, she is forming a new political party.

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Traditional conservatives should welcome this.  The crazies need a place to go – and stay.  They are welcomed to exert local and regional influence, but, if the GOP has a chance of returning to national prominence, the crazies cannot be allowed to hijack  the national debate.

Palin will continue saying outrageous things that the media cannot resist reporting.

Each time this happens, more and more screaming crazies will join her organization. Close to the next election, Palin will approach the GOP leadership – probably at the national convention – and try to make a deal. She will offer money and support in exchange for influence behind the scenes on the national stage.

We need to say no.  If we accept the deal, we will be repeating the mistake Reagan made, which will alienate the moderate votes we need to regain the White House and majorities in congress.  We need to say no when the devil comes again to our door with promises of power in exchange for just a little bit of our soul.

Yeah, its a little like this.

Yeah, its a little like this.

It won’t be easy. Politicians often cannot resist the lure of easy money or the promise of guaranteed votes. But if our Republican leaders can resist this temptation, then the GOP will again become the voice of and for the American majority.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: BARAK OBAMA

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Crazy People, Dogs, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Mad Men, Michele Bachmann, News, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on July 28, 2009 by paulboylan

Barak Obama

[In this frankly fictitious interview, President Barak Obama agrees to sit down with People of Earth and discussed rumors spread by his political opponents in an attempt to demonize him.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Mr. President, may I call you “Barak?”

PRESIDENT BARAK OBAMA:  Sure. It’s great to be here.

POE:  After this interview, can I refer to you as “one of my peeps?”

OBAMA:  [Laughs] Why not?

POE: Great. Thanks. Mr. President – Barak – as you know, I write a blog that is read by at least five people, and some of them have  concerns about both you and your presidency.

OBAMA:  I am happy to answer any questions your readers have.

POE: Let’s start with the claim that you are a socialist.

OBAMA:  I suppose I am a socialist.

POE:  You’re admitting it just like that?

OBAMA:  [Smiling] yes, just like that.

POE:  Okay, what about the persistent rumor that you were born in Kenya?

OBAMA:  That’s true.  I was born in Kenya. My Hawaii birth certificate is a fake.


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POE:  Doesn’t that disqualify you for the presidency?

OBAMA:  I suppose so.  Next question.

POE:  Um [ shuffling of paper]… there is a persistent rumor that you are a Muslim. Is that true?

OBAMA:  It sure is, Paul. Allah akbar, death to America, and all that.

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POE:  One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – believes you are the Anti-Christ.


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POE:  That is absolutely true, Paul. First of all, if you read your Bible you will see that I fit the description of the Anti-Christ.

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POE:  If you are a Muslim, what are you doing reading the Bible?

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OBAMA:  [Good natured laughter.] Okay, you got me there, Paul.  I haven’t actually read the Bible, but I have seen all of the television specials.

POE:  Aren’t you worried about admitting all this stuff?

OBAMA:  Nope. Not a bit.

POE:  Why not?

OBAMA:  Because the people spreading these rumors are crazy.  I should point out they are kooks.  If I am not mistaken, they are a brick short of a load.  A combination plate short of a taco.  A few clowns short of a circus. They have a screw loose.

POE:  Mr. President –

OBAMA:  In fact, in some cases, they are a couple of cards short of a full deck. They are two fries short of a happy meal.  A few trucks short of a convoy.  Five cans sort of a six pack.

POE:  What about –

OBAMA:  These people are nuttier than a fruitcake. For example, the lights are on but nobody is home. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. They are knitting with only one needle. They are not firing on all cylinders. They are driving on only three wheels.

POE:  Maybe we should -

OBAMA:  Look, these are the same people who believe the moon landing was faked and that there is a secret world government using black helicopters to spy on people. My accusers are ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag, which means no one is going to believe them – even though this time they are right.  For example, this happened at a town hall meeting held by a town hall meeting held by a prominent Republican congresman:

POE:  That really happened? It wasn’t staged by an internet video comedy group?

OBAMA:  It really happened.

POE:  That lady sounded crazy.

OBAMA:  They all sound, look, smell, walk, talk and breath crazy. No one – and I mean no one – is going to believe them.  Here is another example. Do you know who Alan Keyes is?

POE:  The crazy black guy who ran against you for senator of Illinois and keeps running for president?

OBAMA:  That’s the one.  He hired an attorney from California to file lawsuits to get me removed from the presidency because I am foreign born.  Here is Keys and his attorney appearing on CNN.  Please keep in mind this next video was posted on Youtube by people who want to prove I was born in Kenya:


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POE:  Keys didn’t sound all that bad.

OBAMA:  Granted. But did you see his attorney?  Her eyes move around independently like some kind of lizard.

OBAMA: The vid edited out all the times she interrupted everyone else. Her name is Orly Taitz and, as the screens hows, she is a dentist, a real estate agent – and she got her law degree from the – get this – William Howard Taft University in Santa Anna, California, and was admitted to practice law in 2002.  So she’s been a practicing attorney for about seven years.  According to http://www.obamaconspiracy.org/2009/01/dr-orly-taitz/ she is calling for the the United States military to rise up against me and form a new government:

“Obama “truth” squad and people like Secretary of State of Ohio Jennifer Brunner and all the others that have been collaborating with this Gestapo-SS establishment, they all should and would be tried in Nurenberg style trials for harassing, intimidating, blackmailing and terrorizing fellow citizens, for defrauding the whole country. Patriots of this country didn’t fight and defeat Nazi Germany to end up with Obamas, McCuskill, Soros, Brunner and the rest of this squad. I hope that the men in this country, particularly in our military will finally revolt against this travesty of Justice. If our government and our elected officials and our judiciary have failed us, then it is time for the new government, new elected officials and a new judiciary.”

POE:  Mr. President, I admit she seems a bit – unusual – but I don’t see what you are getting at.

OBAMA:  My point is – is  this the best Keyes can do?  I am sure Ms. Taitz is a fine dentist and real estate agent, but she has only been practicing law a few years and, she looks and sounds like she is – let me put it this way: these people could point up and yell “the sky is blue!’ and no one would believe them.  So they want to call me a socialist or a communist or the anti-christ?  Be my guest.  The people trying to prove I wasn’t born here couldn’t have chosen a worse spokesperson to represent them.

POE:  Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

OBAMA:  Okay, I’m listening.

POE:  Maybe Keyes intentionally chose her because -

OBAMA:  [Encouraging] yes?

POE:  - because you and Keyes are really working together!

OBAMA: [Smiling and nodding] At this juncture I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.


Coconspirators? The rumors are flying.

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POE:  But it makes sense and explains so much!  Both you and Keys are black. Both of you are from Illinois. Both of you enjoy pasta puttanesca.

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OBAMA:  We also are both Freemasons.

POE:  Really?

OBAMA:  [Laughing]  No, not really.

POE:  Are there any rumors out there that bother you?

OBAMA:  Well, there is a persistent rumor that I eat puppies.


POE:  They accuse me of eating puppies, too!


"It was this big. But it got away."
“It was this big. But it got away.”

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OBAMA:  In my case, though, the rumor is true. I do eat puppies.


So?
So?

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POE:  So do I!


Lunch
Lunch

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OBAMA:  No kidding. I appreciate that.  Okay, in your option, what is the best part?

POE:  The front paws, of course. Deep fried.


I know this little place in Manilla.
I know this little place in Manilla.

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OBAMA:  I prefer the tongue.


POE:  Not me. Too chewy.

OBAMA:  Not if you cook it right.


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POE:  Well, that’s about all the time we have. I would like to thank Barak Obama – puppy eating, socialist, foreign born muslim anti-christ – for speaking with us today.

OBAMA: Hey, Paul, how about lunch?

POE:  Sure, why not?


God help us.

God help us.

THE 100,000 MARK

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Barry Goldwater, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Rotwang, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags on June 6, 2009 by paulboylan

I’ve passed my 100,000th visitor. I know that 100,000 is a drop in the bucket for you uber bloggers out there,  but is it even smaller than that.  When you look at the kinds of google searches that lead people to my site, the following  search terms are the ones that keep bringing people to this page:

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Smiley - 53,424

 

 

 

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Smiley face – 20,013

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Sarah Palin – 11,301

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Sarah Palin nude – 3,175

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Martin Van Buren  - 1,007

 

 

 

 

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Martin Van Buren nude – 1,005

 

 

 

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Katie Couric cleavage – 728

 

 

 

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Redneck -366

 

 

 

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Stupid people – 359

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Oops – 254

 

 

 

 

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Steampunk office – 249

 

 

 

 

 

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Mean smiley – 208

 

 

 

 

 

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Morons eating pie – 119

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Jews in the news – 103

 

 

 

 

 

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Taye Diggs Wife – 99

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Beastiality – 97

Horrified-woman

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I very much appreciate the 10 or 20 people that seem to habitually drop by. But the vast majority of those visiting here pass through looking for something else (pics of nude politicians) or land here utterly by mistake (‘oops”).

I’m not complaining – just grooving on the goofiness of the whole thing.

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HEADLINE – POLICE APPREHEND BIGGEST SERIAL KILLER

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Art, Avatar, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit de Suite, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Globalization, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, music, News, Op Ed, Our animal friends, pandemic, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmania, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags on May 1, 2009 by paulboylan


By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Thu Apr 30, 9:59 pm ET

LOS ANGELES – Police believe a 72-year-old insurance claims adjuster arrested earlier this month is the biggest serial killer in the city’s history.

“This guy is huge,” Capt. Denis Cremins said. “When we say we caught him laying around the house, we mean “around” the house.”

The suspect weighs over a metric ton and is so large that his arrest required two specially trained SWAT units just to put him in improvised handcuffs originally used to restrain emotionally unstable, bipolar hippos at the Los Angeles Zoo.

“We trained in Iraq, so my men are familiar with morbidly obese perpetrators,” Denis said. “But this is way beyond my experience.  How could he let that happen to him? He should be ashamed of himself.”

Serial killers often over-eat, said FBI profiler, David Carr. “It really is a big problem and it can lead to clinical depression. Without counseling and medical intervention, a serial killer’s uncontrollable appetite for fast food eventually interferes with their predatory activities, and when that happens suicidal thoughts are not uncommon” Carr explained.

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Source for headline:  http://largest-ever-serial-killer-captured.html

THERE IS IRONY HERE, IF YOU LOOK DEEP ENOUGH

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Tasmania, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, TV, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something? with tags on April 11, 2009 by paulboylan

wipenose

Let’s talk about funny.

I won’t bore you describing the tiny tragedies of my beginnings.  We’ve all suffered, and, when viewed in proper perspective, all suffering is trivial.  When the self-indulgent drama is brushed aside, I best remember laughter.  Through it all, the darkness was split and punctuated by laughter.

Samuel Clemens is famously misquoted as saying “man is the only animal that laughs, or needs to.”  The first time I heard that quote I understood it thoroughly.  Humanity was born the moment a cold, hungry, shivering animal looked around at the noise, waste and horror – and laughed – because there was nothing else to do about it but laugh.

I vaguely remember pain and dread.  Then something happened, something I still struggle to understand.  I concluded it was good and right to encourage others to laugh.

At first it was my immediate family, in particular my mother.  Her laughter was special.  But so was my older brother and younger sister’s.  It was a simple thing that cost nothing, but made so much difference for those brief moments in time.  Light in the darkness.  Trembling, tentative order forced out of chaos by the simple act of willing it to be so.  For a brief moment, the Power of Creation, the shadow of what it must feel like to be a god.

Funnier than thou

Funnier than thou

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And so it continued, it was and it has always been.  When all is said and done, the truest, strongest, most meaningful bond I share with my wife is laughter.  Slowly, time robs us of everything that brought us together, but shared laughter holds us close.

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And our son – our only child.   I am a proud father.  My son is shaping up to be a good man – a better man than his father.  I am proud that his mind is sharp. I am grateful that, unlike his old man, he is truly kind and caring. But I am most proud of his fine and complex sense of humor.  It is the one gift I hoped to give him, valued above intellect and heart because the mind and the spirit are subsumed by it.   One cannot be truly funny unless one is smart and sensitive.

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God doesn’t laugh.  I’m not kidding: look it up.  God laughs exactly twice in the Old Testament and not at all in the New – and both times in the Old He laughs “in derision.”

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Humans laugh.  Only we humans.  And that is absolute proof that God loves us.  Animals are too busy living from moment to moment to laugh.  Angels are too perfect to so much as crack a smile.  But we beautifully flawed humans not only laugh, we are inspired to make – to help – to encourage – others to laugh too.  It is a kindness only we know.  It is a blessing only we can bestow.  It is a light only we can spark.

I love to make people laugh.  It is my connection to the infinite.   It is the absurdity that makes total sense.

And that is enough.

That and money.  Lots of money.  And sex.  Kinky sex – not the “man on top, get it over with quick” kind of sex.  And champagne – the good French stuff, not cheap California swill. And double-jointed women – two, whenever possible.

Fiat lux, oh my brothers and sisters.

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green_lantern_10

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HEADLINE – PALIN SLAMS OBAMA FOR BOWLING COMMENT

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, South Korea, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, West Korea, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on March 21, 2009 by paulboylan


Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

 

WASHINGTON (March 21) – Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said she was “shocked” to hear President Obama’s offhand comment referring to the Special Olympics in an appearance on the Tonight Show on Thursday night.

“This was a degrading remark about our world’s most precious and unique people, coming from the most powerful position in the world,” Palin said just before walking into a closed door.

“Ouch,” Palin quipped, rubbing her nose and winking.

After winking again, Palin struggled to open the door until an aide showed her that, to open the door, Palin needed to pull, not push at the door.

“The sign on the door says “pull,” the aide noted.

The special aide to Governor Palin is paid for by the Republican National Committee from a special fund devoted to providing special aides to special Republican governors. The RNC provided George W. Bush with similar special aides during the eight years Bush served as Governor of Texas.

“I don’t know what I would have done without ‘em,” Bush quipped. “I gave them all nicknames so I could rememorize who they were so that I wouldn’t order them shot as spys,” Bush said before walking into a closed door.

“Dang it, I thought this door was open,” Bush said as he pulled on the door handle and made a goofy face. “Now, if I was still Governor of Texas, some guy would step up and open the door for me,” Bush noted.

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A DREAM DEFERRED

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, good guys and bad guys, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, 스타게이트유니버스, ανόητο άτομα, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Money and Power, music, News, Nichola Tesla, ученые, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, rimshot wav download, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Tasmania, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Uncategorized, Vegemite, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים, سياسة on March 17, 2009 by paulboylan

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My house was recently remodeled, and I am disappointed. To make matters worse, my disappointment is causing me to question my goals and dreams.

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Me, standing in the wreckage of my dreams...

Me, standing in the wreckage of my dreams...

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My disappointment has nothing to do with the work that was done.  The construction company that did the work – North State Residential Development – did a great job.

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renovation3-0771

renovation4andlesmis-021

Rob - God of Electricity and other stuff

Rob - God of Electricity and other stuff

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The work was performed on time and on budget.  North State more or less built me a new home in five months.  No one in my neighborhood believed it was possible.  But these guys worked on weekends, in the dark and even in the rain to get the job done.

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renovation4andlesmis-083

renovation4andlesmis-087

The men responsible for my bitter disappointment.

The men responsible for my bitter disappointment.

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But every time I look at my new home I cannot put behind me the hopes I had when I originally decided to remodel my home. You see, I am an evil genius, and that means I have always wanted a secret lair. Allow me to explain.

There are lots of evil geniuses in the world – but they are not all created equal.Sure, there are high profile evil geniuses sitting around in big chairs, stroking persian cats and using their genius to plan and execute diabolical plans to threaten the world with the goal of getting rich.

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My role model - Ernst Stavro Blofeld

My role model - Ernst Stavro Blofeld

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Despite these few “stars” most evil geniuses live very humble lives. We have families. We go to church on Sundays.


Secretly evil.

Secretly evil.

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But we live secret lives where we dream of threatening humanity with extinction in order to become enormously wealthy.

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evil-smiley-face

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I am that kind of evil genius.  My extreme evil and my uncanny genius are well established.  How else do you explain my otherwise unexplainable success?  I’ve spent my life crafting a respectable persona that hides my secret evil identity – Professor Iniquitous.  Over the years I have hatched countless ingenious plans for taking over the world – none of which I have been able to execute.

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blueprint

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There is one primary reason why I haven’t taken over the world yet.  It isn’t the lack of sufficient evil.  If the editors over at Merriam Webster knew about me,  the word “evil” in their dictionary would have my picture next to it.  And I do not lack for genius.  I am always the smartest guy in the room and I know all of the answers to questions asked on television quiz shows.  Nevertheless, I lack the one thing that all successful evil geniuses possess:  membership in the Amalgamation of Evil Geniuses (AEG).

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incorporated

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The AEG is an international labor union that more or less controls all evil genius activity on this planet.  You can’t really be an evil genius without belonging to AEG.  And to join AEG you must have a secret lair – a private place to conduct your evil experiments and hatch your evil plans.

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steampunk-office4

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So when my wife and I talked about remodeling our home, I was very excited about the possibilities of including a secret lair in the project.With a secret lair, I finally had a chance of joining AEG – and after that happened, it was only a matter of time before the world would be mine.

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ist2_751755-businessman-s-hands-holding-globe

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The contractor at North State loved the idea.I talked to their architect, who drew up the plans and even made a 3D computer simulation of what my secret lair would look like after it was built.I sat there in the architect’s office as he showed me my underground secret lair – my future laboratory, my control room, my nuclear missile silo, my shark tank and the kitchen where my evil minions could microwave hot pocket snacks.It was a dream come true.

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lost-wall-748621

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Then I saw the price.  Underground lairs are very, very expensive.  So we began to reduce the project. The shark tank was the first thing to go.  I really didn’t need a shark tank.I could use other means to dispose of the secret agents sent to stop me.

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Then I gave up the missile silo.Nuclear weapons were old fashioned. I could eventually replace the nuclear missile with a much less expensive death ray.

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Even with these sacrifices, the costs associated with a secret lair were just too high to afford. More and more of what I wanted was cut away until eventually I was left with what amounts to a secret closet in the garage.

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Don’t get me wrong:the closet is very secret.  Unless you knew what to look for you wouldn’t really notice it.  But it is still a closet.  I can stand in it, but that’s about it.  I really cannot use it to menace the world.

And that is exactly what AEG told me when I sent them a picture of my secret closet attached to my membership application.They wrote and told me

The AEG New Member Selection Committee has decided to hold onto your application until such time that you improve upon your secret lair to meet or exceed AEG’s secret lair standards as described in the AEG publication “So You Think You Have a Secret Lair…” a copy of which is enclosed for your convenience.

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doctor-no-lair-design

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So I guess my plans for world domination are going to have to wait.  Maybe I should reconsider this whole evil genius thing.In the meantime, I am using my secret closet to store some gardening supplies…

Wait! That gives me an idea – a beautifully evil idea!  I can infect seemingly ordinary gardening supplies to spread bacteria genetically engineered to transform people from home gardeners into an army of zombie slaves!  Mooohahahahah!!

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madscientist_21

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I am back, baby!

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NEWS YOU CAN’T USE

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Family and Friends, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Humor, Joseph Bleckman, Life, music, News, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Politics, Pop Culture, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Small Town America, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags on February 17, 2009 by paulboylan


Something is happening to me and I am not sure why. Maybe I’m getting old. Or maybe watching the world economy collapse is making me reevaluate what is important and what is not important.

Like you, I now find myself working harder for less. When that happens, people tend to become impatient with trivia. They simply don’t have time to waste on foolishness.

And so, with a sharper focus prompted by advancing years or economic worry – or both – I find that most of what I read in my daily newspaper is utterly worthless. I suddenly realize that the majority of the headlines that reach out in an attempt to grab my attention are not worth the effort to scan them. They are either abysmally trivial, insult my intelligence, or both.

The following are real headlines pulled from real newspapers that I read. The odds are good you’ve seen these headlines, too.

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“SCIENTISTS FLABBERGASTED BY SPEEDY BIRDS”

I read this article and learned that a certain kind of songbird travels more than 300 miles a day on its annual migration, and scientists have no idea how they do it.

Let me solve the mystery: they do it by flapping their little wings really, really hard and fast. That’s how they do it. Mystery solved.

Here is what I want to know: can I eat those songbirds? If not, don’t bother me and don’t waste any more time and money on the problem – because it isn’t a problem. Instead of spending valuable time and money figuring out how birds fly fast, concentrate on discovering a new, clean, cheap energy source we need to stop industrial civilization from collapsing.

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“EXISTING HOME SALES RISE, BUT PRICES DROP”

Gee, I wonder why? The headline seems to argue that it is a mystery why prices don’t go up as sales go up. But it isn’t a mystery. Any idiot now knows home sales are rising because the price for houses is dropping. The lower the price goes, the more homes will be bought.

This headline presumes that you and I know nothing about basic economics and that we are likely to buy stuff that we don’t need and cannot afford and it is a mystery when we stopped buying stuff we don’t need or cannot afford.

This headline reflects a way of thinking that is dying or dead. The economic depression we are entering killed it. We may have been mindless consumers once, but we can’t afford to be stupid about our money any longer. We are through buying stuff we can’t afford or don’t need. If they want us to buy stuff, then they should make stuff we need and sell it for a price we can afford.

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“BLUE THE HUE OF CREATIVITY? RED FOR DETAIL?”

This is another headline for the Who Gives a F**k file. Perhaps there was a time when people could afford to waste valuable time worrying about the appropriate color to wear when they write a sonnet or fix a computer, but that time is gone. It is time to worry about keeping the lights on and heat in the house.

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“WOMEN BETTER THAN MEN AT SPOTTING A CUTE BABY”

How much money did someone spend to figure this out? I know women can spot a cute baby better and faster than men and I didn’t waste a nickel hiring anyone to research the problem – because it isn’t a problem: it is something everyone who has been to a mall knows. Stop wasting my time telling me things I already know.

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“NEW DRUG MAKES EYELASHES THICKER”

This headline is for an article that is basically a big advertisement for a new product – which no one is going to buy. Here is the choice being presented: you can either spend money buying dinner for you and your wife or you can spend that same money on a pill that will make your wife’s eyelashes longer. Anyone who chooses the pill is a moron. I choose to have dinner with my wife. Her short eyelashes are just fine for all normal purposes.

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“RESEARCHERS SAY ANIMALS PLAN FOR THE FUTURE”

How does knowing that animals plan stuff help me pay my bills? If animals are planning to break into my home and kill me while I am sleeping, then I want to know more. But otherwise I simply don’t care.

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“JAPAN ALUMINUM STOCKPILES JUMP TO HIGHEST IN DECADE”

Apparently there is a lot of aluminum in Japan right now – more aluminum than the Japanese have had in years. One question: so what? Why would anyone other than a Japanese aluminum seller or buyer care how much aluminum is stockpiled in Japan? Who is the super genius that made the decision to put this story in my newspaper?

None of these headlines are worth the ink used to print them. The information they provide is either wrong or worthless. It is no wonder why newspapers across the country are closing down or cutting back. Time is precious now more than since the Great Depression of the 1930’s. Either give us news we can use, or go away.

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