Today I fulfilled a fantasy, and I just had to share it with y’all.
Every year, my wife throws an “Oscar party.” If you know what that is, skip ahead in the story to where I go to the hardware store in my hit man outfit. If you don’t know what an Oscar party is, allow me to explain:
Every year the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences holds a gala event where they hand out awards for excellence in motion pictures arts and sciences.
The award is nicknamed the “Oscar.” The United States is a movie culture (wrap your head around that one, if you can) and many, many Americans celebrate this pinnacle of commercialism and hold parties where groups of people watch the televised masturbatory splendor, eat, drink, make snide comments about the celebrities and hope that Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson or Gabrielle Union experience a spectacular wardrobe malfunction. Preferably all three simultaneously.
A Gabrielle Union impersonator
My lovely wife is one of these Oscarphiles, and every year we throw an Oscar party.
This year, as part of her party preparations, my wife purchased meat via the internet. Not just any meat. When I opened the enormous box left at my front door and dug through the space age insulation, I found an enormous pork roast – so large that it won’t fit the largest roasting pan in existence, which we own and keep in the garage because it frightens small children and upsets our two cats when it is left unattended.
I can hear you saying “So what? Just take a sharp knife and cut off a chunk so it will fit in the roasting pan.”
That is not an option – not with this roast. There is bone running through it. To cut off a chunk I need to cut through that bone, and I don’t have anything suited to do the cutting.
I called my local butcher, who declined my request to cut a chunk off of that big hunk of pork. I offered to pay him. He still refused saying “We have a policy not to cut meat that wasn’t purchased from our store.”
Won't cut strange meat.
So my only option was to go to my local hardware store and buy a hacksaw and do it myself.
And that’s when I realized this was a rare opportunity to fulfill a fantasy. Before I drove to Ace Hardware, I found and put on an old double breasted suit, a white tie and a pair of sunglasses.
I looked a lot like this.
I drove to the hardware store, walked in and approached the first employee I could find.
He looked a lot like this.
“Can I help you?” the hardware store clerk inquired.
“Yeah. Sure. Maybe,” I said. “See, I got this problem. I need to cut through a large piece of bone.”
“Bone?” the clerk asked.
“Yeah, bone,” I replied, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping. “I never realized until very recently just how difficult it is to cut bone. My usual apparatus isn’t up to it,” I continued. “You got any type of bone saw or something?”
“I – “
“You know, I figured a hacksaw would do, but if you got anything better, let me know. I don’t mind paying for quality, if you know what I mean.”
Quality bone saws.
“I – I’m not sure we –“
“I bet you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Quality. Something I can hang onto just in case I need to cut through a couple of bones and I got a deadline and a car boot space problem, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, don’t you?”
By this point the nice gentleman was clearly upset and I was afraid he was going to run, so I laughed and told him I was kidding, and I told him the whole story about the huge piece of meat my wife bought on the internet and the bone I had to cut to reduce the size of the roast so it would fit my roasting pan.
And would you believe it? I ended up buying a genuine bone saw. They had one behind the counter in the back.