Archive for the The Second Coming Category

Angel is a Centerfold: Remembering Terri Nunn

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Corruption, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Fashion Forward, Grim Fairy Tales, Isnt nature wonderful?, love, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, pork, Rotwang, The Matrix, The Second Coming, the snows of yesteryear, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God on January 2, 2014 by paulboylan

The odds are none of you reading this know who Terry Nunn is – or was.

 Terry was the lead singer for the 1980′s band Berlin.

BERLIN-Love-Life

Berlin - with Terri – made some amazing music.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8_u7rEavBM
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Terry and I attended the same high school  in Santa Monica in the mid 1970′s – a good time and a good place to be a teenager.  Terri and I were not close, but we were tangentially connected through others (Robert Benson, Aaron Salter, etc.).  I did not know her well, but I always felt she seemed troubled in a way I could never really grasp or define.  In all honesty, I admired Terri from afar in the way a teenaged boy admires the object of his hopeless desire – an object, a goal, that can never be achieved.

I graduated high school in 1976.   In 1979 the clockwork movement of the Universe put me in a convenience store where I saw a copy of the February 1977 edition of Penthouse magazine:

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 Inside I saw Terri.

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omg copy
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Does she walk? Does she talk?
Does she come complete?
My homeroom homeroom angel
Always pulled me from my seat.  

She was pure like snowflakes. No one could ever stain

The memory of my angel
Could never cause me pain.

Years go by –  I’m lookin’ through a girly magazine
And there’s my homeroom angel on the pages in-between.

My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold

Slipped me notes under the desk
While I was thinkin’ about her dress
I was shy I turned away
Before she caught my eyeI was shakin’ in my shoes
Whenever she flashed those baby-blues
Something had a hold on me
When angel passed close by.

 Those soft and fuzzy sweaters

Too magical to touch

Too see her in that magazine

Is really just too much.

It’s okay, I understand
This ain’t no never-never land
I hope that when this issue’s gone
I’ll see you when your clothes are on

Take you car,

Yes we will
We’ll take your car and drive it
We’ll take it to a motel room
And take ‘em off in private

A part of me has just been ripped
The pages from my mind are stripped
Oh no, I can’t deny it
Oh yea, I guess I gotta buy it…

My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centerfold
Angel is the centerfold

THE BEST TWEET EVAR!

Posted in And now the snorting starts, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Fashion Forward, αστείος, Michele Bachmann Crazy, pandemic, Paying Attention, Research and Development, The Second Coming, What are you sick or something?, zombies on November 27, 2013 by paulboylan

zombie shoe laces

FAIR AND BALANCED?

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Early-onset dementia, good guys and bad guys, GOP, ανόητο άτομα, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Religion and Politics, Stupid News, Stupid People, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA! on July 28, 2013 by paulboylan

Stupid, evil, or both?  You decide.

If this vid had a laugh track it would be a hilarious skit on the Daily Show.

But it isn’t a joke.  It happened, and proves that, not only is the reporter conducting the interview biased, but also that she is abysmally stupid, sticking to the script long after it would have been apparent to three year old that the script wasn’t working.

And it shows that the reporter came into that interview looking for a fight. She was there to champion uneducated bigots.

The most embarrassing interview of all time. It is painful watching it unfold.  It is the absolute lowest moment of something pretending to be journalism I’ve ever witnessed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt1cOnNrY5s.

UPDATE:  A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

My wife just came into my office and said, about the awful interview above:

“I get it.  The reporter doesn’t understand the difference between intellectual argument and religious or political rhetoric.”

That is, of course, absolutely true.  And it is a truth that is both terrible and horrifying.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW – JOHN BOEHNER

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Captain America, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, скарлетт йоханссон, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags , , , , , , on February 19, 2013 by paulboylan

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House of Representatives Republican Majority Leader John Boehner recently stated “Obama wants to obliterate the Republican Party.” Boehner’s complaint has inspired me to draft a fake interview where he explains why Obama needs to do anything at all to destroy the GOP when the GOP is doing a fine job of destroying itself.

I haven’t finished writing the interview yet, but I have collected together the photos I will use for illustration:

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House Leader John Boehner Holds Press Briefing At The Capitol

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Boehner 7

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Obama Wants to Obliterate GOP 3 copy

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Obama State of the Union

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Obama Wants to Obliterate GOP 3 copy

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Boehner 5

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John Boehner

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Obama Wants to Obliterate GOP 3 copy

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Boehner 9

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Boehner 10

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Obama Wants to Obliterate GOP 3 copy

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JON HUBBARD

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Brave New World, Captain America, Crazy People, Get a job, GOP, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, News, Politics, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , on October 7, 2012 by paulboylan

Jon Hubbard

[Republican conservative Jon Hubbard has come into thehspotlightIfor what some consider racist comments.  In this frankly fictitious but candid interview, Representative Hubbard explains his views.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Mr. Hubbard you describe yourself as a “frustrated conservative.”

JON HUBBARD:  Yep.  I am a God fearing conservative Christian and I am frustrated.

POE:  What frustrates you the most?

HUBBARD:  Negroes.

POE: I beg your pardon?

HUBBARD:  You heard me. Negroes frustrate me the most. Hold on, hold on. Before you and your liberal commie friends get their panties in a bunch, let me explain that I don’t mean all negroes, just the ones that want to have the same rights as white people. You know – the uppity ones.

POE: Uppity black folk frustrate you?

HUBBARD:  Yep. The ones that don’t know their place and think they are equal to white people.

POE:  Black people aren’t equal to white people?

HUBBARD:  Of course not.  Any fool can see that.  They are genetically inferior in every which way they can be.  They are better at sports, I’ll concede that point, but they ain’t too bright. If it weren’t for free education and laws that give them the same employment rights as white folk, none of them would amount to much.

POE:  You write in your book Confessions of a Frustrated Conservative:

“The institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise.”

HUBBARD:  I sure did write that.  It is a truth I hold to be self evident.  Not like the one about all men being born equal.  That isn’t self evident at all.  What IS self evident is that people are NOT born equal.

POE:  Why do you believe that the system of slavery was a good thing?

HUBBARD:  Because negroes are much better off in America than they would have been if they hadn’t been captured and shipped to the United States.  If they had been left in Africa they would be living in mud huts and some weird click language and eating bugs.  But here in the United States they got food stamps they can use to buy watermelon, fried chicken and all the  Kool-Aid and malt liquor they can drink.  Compared to Africa, living in American poverty is paradise.

POE:  I see.

HUBBARD:  And they were better off under slavery than they are today being “free.”

POE:  Can you explain?

HUBBARD:  What are you, a retard? One of them mongolian retards?  You got dropped on your head when you were born, boy?  It is a self-evident truth that blacks were better off then than they are now.  Back then when they were slaves they got fed and taken care of. They didn’t have to worry about caucasian problems like earning a living and going to school and learning how to read and voting.  But that is all going to change.

POE:  How so?

HUBBARD:  There is a new revolution taking place. Conservative  God fearing white Christians are rising up to take back America.

POE:  How are they going to do that?

HUBBARD:  Simple. First, defund public education.  Turn all education over to businesses that run schools for profit.  Let the free market take over.

POE:  How will that solve the problem as you see it?

HUBBARD:  You must be a retard, boy. You can’t see what is right in front of you.  Let me try to put it simple so someone like you can understand: if there isn’t any publically funded education – or the public education that does exist is so underfunded that it can’t educate anybody – then only those with money will be able to afford to have their kids educated in expensive private schools, so only their children will be able to get good jobs.  And most people who can afford to buy education are white.  Sure, there are a lot of poor white folk out there who will get left behind, but the system will still favor them over poor blacks, so they should be happy. Nothing makes the unfortunate happier than some other group to look down on and feel superior to.

POE:  But there are plenty of blacks who have money now, and they will be able to afford to pay the cost of educating their kids.

HUBBARD:  There are fewer blacks with money than you realize.  The Jeffersons and the Cosby Show are fantasies. Black people don’t live like that. It is a lie to make liberals feel good. And even if there are a few negroes who do have money, in a generation or two it won’t matter because it will be okay again to discriminate against them in the workplace.  Their kids won’t get good jobs, so they won’t be able to afford to educate their kids, so those few blacks with money will slip back into poverty and illiteracy.

POE: But there are laws against economic discrimination.

HUBBARD:  Oh yeah. You’re talking about them civil rights, aintcha?  Well, we got that figured out too.  A law is only as good as the government’s will to enforce it.  Our program to pack every court with conservative judges is almost complete.  Soon it won’t matter if a black person who has been discriminated against sues, because they won’t win.  Ever.  As I said, problem solved.

POE:  And then what?

HUBBARD: As I said, the problem is solved.  If they don’t work, they will starve and die, so they will do whatever they are told to do.  It may not be called slavery, but it will look, sound, taste and smell exactly like it.

POE: Doesn’t this whole scheme conflict with your Christian values?

HUBBARD:  Which ones?

POE:  The Christian value of helping the poor.  Your plan makes more people  poor.

HUBBARD:  Yes, but it primarily makes black people poor.  And those greasy latinos.  But we are doing it for their own good. They are like children that need to be taken care of. They are happier when someone else does all that hard thinking for them.  Right now blacks who are educated and in the workforce doing complex and important jobs are miserable. And their inherent laziness makes them do a bad job, and that drags down our economy.  Black folk aren’t suited for good jobs that pay well and include health and retirement benefits.  They secretly yearn for a simpler time when white people were in charge and used a firm hand to maintain order.  Bringing negroes back to that state of grace is a kindness that surely Jesus would have approved of.

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HEADLINE – DONALD TRUMP SAYS “VENGEANCE IS A CHRISTIAN VALUE”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Attorney fees, buffo, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, Mad Men, Money and Power, Mordor, News, neşeli, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Matrix, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2012 by paulboylan

 

“Jesus wants me to take vengeance against my hair stylist.”

MUNCIE –   During a speech on Monday at the Lynchburg, Virginia Christian college, Liberty University, Donald Trump gave the assembled Christian students some advice: “Get even.”

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“A few of you may say my advice is anti-Christian. Wrong!” Trump said.

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A student pointed out that Trumps advice conflicts with Christ’s Sermon on the Mount recorded in chapters 5-7 of the Gospel of Matthew, where Jesus tells his followers to reject the Old Testament rules on eye-for-an-eye justice and, if slapped, turn the other cheek rather than retaliate.

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 “Don’t believe any of that malarky,” Trump responded.  “Jesus was being misquoted by the liberal media.”

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The liberal media makes Jesus very, very angry.

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“Believe me, the central message of Christianity is “every man for himself” and “always kick a man when he’s down because there is no better time to do it,” Trump said.

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Trump, married three times, then advised the assembled students to get prenuptial agreements before they get married.

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“Jesus wasn’t married and I know why,” Trump said.  “It is because they didn’t have prenuptial agreements in those days so if you got married you were screwed if you wanted to get out of it, especially if you had a lot of money and the woman seduced you because she wanted your money.  But Jesus avoided all of that by not getting married. I’m not saying he didn’t play the field. He just didn’t get married.  I am absolutely sure that, if Jesus had access to a prenuptial agreement, he would have been married. At least once.”

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Maybe more than once.

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The university has posted a video of Trump’s speech on its website, noting that Chancellor Falwell introduced Trump as ”one of the greatest visionaries of our time.”

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A Grim Fairy Tale – THE GHOST DANCE

Posted in End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Fire and Ice, Grim Fairy Tales, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, скарлетт йоханссон, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags on August 18, 2012 by paulboylan

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Hello, children. Would you like to hear a story?

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THE GHOST DANCE

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It began as a television show: a dance contest with a Native American theme, financed with Native American money accumulated slowly over the years from slot machine and roulette revenues.

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Auditions were held in New York, Boston, Chicago, Denver, Seattle, Houston, Kansas City, San Francisco and lost Angeles. Contestants from all walks of life were asked to perform a complex set of steps called “the Ghost Dance”.

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The competition was fierce.  The dance itself was hypnotic. The show was a hit – outperforming every program in its time slot and eventually becoming the most popular television show in America.

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In its 3rd season, the show began promoting what it called “Ghost Dance Day” during which the show’s growing television audience was invited to join in the fun. The goal was to get as many people as possible performing the Ghost Dance simultaneously.

Each year thereafter as the show’s popularity grew, so did Ghost Dance Day, with people all over America – from New York to San Diego – performing the steps of the Ghost Dance simultaneously. The producers of the show had tapped into the power of dance to build a sense of community.

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And the movement spread. People all over the world began to celebrate the Ghost Dance Day.  Even the world’s poorest people petitioned their government’s to furnish them with television or Internet access that would allow them to both view the competition and participate in Ghost Dance Day.

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Pundits both great and small endlessly analyzed the Ghost Dance phenomenon.

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Scholarly papers were written about the psycho/social elements of the dance’s  unbelievable popularity. But, despite all this intellectual attention, virtually no one looked very closely at the historical roots of the Ghost Dance – other than a few anthropologists and historians, whose warnings were ignored and classified as an element of the egg-head racist lunatic fringe.

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In its 8th year, the show’s producers boasted that Ghost Dance Day would see over 4 billion people dancing together.

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Nobody knows if that boast was realized. Nobody knows the exact number of people needed to fulfill Sitting Bull’s dream. All we know is that, all over the world, the skies grew dark, the earth trembled, and the dead returned.  The Ancestors returned and destroy the works of European civilization in Africa, Melanesia and the Americas, fulfilling cargo cult prophecies and millenaristic dreams.

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MORAL OF THE STORY:  dance shows are bad.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_Dance

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THE DAMNED

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Crazy People, Crime and Punishment, Early-onset dementia, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, good guys and bad guys, GOP, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Mordor, pandemic, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , , , on August 16, 2012 by paulboylan

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The Blue Church of God is much more forgiving.

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Vegetarians?

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HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Australia, Barry Goldwater, Bigotry in America, Dogs, Evil Smiley Face, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, Money and Power, Mordor, News, pandemic, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 16, 2012 by paulboylan

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DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.’”

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Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.’”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

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“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

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Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

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Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

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Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

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Ron Severstone

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“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

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HOW ADORABLE!! (MUST SEE!)

Posted in American Decline, Bigotry in America, Brave New World, Common Enemy, Corruption, Hate Crimes, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, Religion and Politics, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA! on May 31, 2012 by paulboylan

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Something to warm your heart from the American Heartland.  This vid shows a totally adorable three year old boy singing to his church congregation a song with the message “Ain’t No Homo Gonna Make it to Heaven.”

See for yourself!

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That little bigot got a standing ovation from that Christian crowd.

Teaching hate.

Teaching intolerance.

Round ‘em up, put them in camps with electrified fences, and let them die.

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Jesus came and preached a message full of Good News: God wasn’t vengeful, but full of love.  The old rules of hate and retribution were gone, replaced by kindness, understanding and acceptance.  “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” was replaced with “turn the other cheek.”  And most important of all, Jesus admonished us to give up our burning desire to judge others.

Matthew 7:1-5

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

Luke 6:37

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.

John 8:7

And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

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It is utterly horrifying that people who gather together to remember Jesus teach three year old boys to hate and to judge.  And it is terrifying because if Jesus’ clear and unequivocal message can so easily and readily be perverted, then what hope do we really have?

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AMERICAN PASTOR SUGGESTS “FINAL SOLUTION” FOR HOMOSEXUALITY

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Bigotry in America, Common Enemy, Crazy People, Crime and Punishment, Dogs, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Hate Crimes, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, Mad Men, Occupy Mordor, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Small Town America, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, سياسة with tags , on May 28, 2012 by paulboylan

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No kidding.  A “final solution” like the kind Hitler suggested for Europe’s “Jewish problem.”

You simply won’t believe how evil this man is.  And he isn’t alone. Millions of Americans see no problem with what he proposes.

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Perhaps Bangar was right:  the central tenant of Christianity for these people is “love thy neighbor, but it’s okay to hate them and kill them if they are different from you.”

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THE DOW JONES TANGO

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, GOP, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 24, 2012 by paulboylan

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Over the last few weeks I’ve been watching the Dow Jones Industrial Average playing with the 13000 point barrier.  It is like a weird flirtation.  The total gets close, and then pulls back. It shoots up just over the line, and then drops back under.  And this is what I see and hear in the back of my mind as I watch this macro economic dance – two lovers, in the dark, approaching climax….

INVESTORS:  I want to shoot this thing up to 14000!  15000!  Yeah, baby, yeah! Give me all you got!

DJIA: No! No! We can’t!

INVESTORS:  Why?  Why not?  I am just ready to explode, baby, you got me so hot to invest! I want to pour all of my money into you, every last coin!

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DJIA:  No, we can’t!  We just can’t! We have to wait!

INVESTORS:  Why wait?? The time is right!  The economy is improving, the housing market is coming back, unemployment is at a four year low! Consumer confidence is surging!

DJIA:  Surging???

INVESTORS:  Surging, I say! It is time to crank this thing up to 11!!

DJIA:  13!

INVESTORS:  Yeah, baby, yeah! 13! 14! 15! The Sky’s the limit! There is so much pent up demand! So much money tied up in savings accounts struggling to get out! It has to get out! Out!!!

DJIA: I know!  I know!  I want it too! But we can’t!!

INVESTORS:  In the name of Adam Smith, why? Why can’t we do this??

DJIA:  Because if we do, Barak Obama will get reelected!!!

INVESTORS:  Just stop thinking about Obama!  Think of money!!! Lots and lots of money!!!!

DJIA:  Yes!  Oh, yes!

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INVESTORS:  Come on, baby, take us over the top!  Let me push you past 13000!!!

DJIA:  I want to, but I just can’t stop thinking about Obama!

INVESTORS:  Damn it!

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HEADLINE – Romney Surrogate: Electability Should Trump ‘Beliefs and Principles’

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Bigotry in America, Brave New World, Headline, Headlines, Monsters, News, Politics, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Saron, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, zombies on January 8, 2012 by paulboylan

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MUNCIE, Indiana - A New Hampshire surrogate for Mitt Romney said at a local political event that it’s evident he will be the Republican presidential nominee and suggested that “beliefs and principles” should not be the deciding factor for voters. 

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State Sen. Gary Lambert said the most important thing is to nominate somebody who can defeat President Obama.

Senator Gary Lambert

“This is not about picking a favorite, it’s not about picking someone you like,” Lambert said. “It’s not about picking someone even with your own beliefs and principles.  This is about choosing the candidate with the best chance of getting that negro out of the White House,” Lambert concluded.

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 “We also have to make damned sure it never happens again,” Lambert added. “That’s why Republicans in the House of Representatives and the Senate in Washington refuse to vote for anything Obama proposes,” Lambert explained. “Sure, it means nothing can get done and it means our nation is going down the toilet, but that is a small price to pay to get that negro out of the White House.  We need to punish the American people so severely that they will never, ever elect one again,” Lambert said.

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“Sure, Rick Santorum has remained true to his beliefs and to conservative principals, and it is true that Santorum’s principals and beliefs are the same as the vast majority of Republicans out there,” Lambert said.

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Santorum

“But there is no way the American people will elect a religious fanatic/bigot. There is just no way. But they might elect Mitt Romney, a guy who has no moral values, who says whatever he thinks his audience wants to hear, and who changes his opinion from second to second.

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Snap that rubber glove! Snap it good!

And that’s why Republicans just have to hold their nose and vote for Romney – because he is our best hope of getting that awful negro out of the White House,” Lambert said. ” It is the “White” House, for Christ’s sake.”

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“Even though Mitt Romney isn’t the perfect candidate, he still has the best chance of beating Obama, and that is why I endorse Romney and urge all white people to vote for him,” Lambert concluded before running off into the darkness.

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HEADLINE – Jesus returns, punches Bieber

Posted in Headline, Headlines, Justin Bieber, music, News, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God on December 16, 2011 by paulboylan

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MUNCIE, Indiana – In what is being described as a Christmas miracle, Jesus Christ returned from the dead, punched pop star Justin Bieber in the face, and then vanished.

“Bieber’s version of Little Drummer Boy made Jesus really angry,” said Jesus spokesman, Pope Benedict, in Rome.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: BARAK OBAMA

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Crazy People, Dogs, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Mad Men, Michele Bachmann, News, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on July 28, 2009 by paulboylan

Barak Obama

[In this frankly fictitious interview, President Barak Obama agrees to sit down with People of Earth and discussed rumors spread by his political opponents in an attempt to demonize him.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Mr. President, may I call you “Barak?”

PRESIDENT BARAK OBAMA:  Sure. It’s great to be here.

POE:  After this interview, can I refer to you as “one of my peeps?”

OBAMA:  [Laughs] Why not?

POE: Great. Thanks. Mr. President – Barak – as you know, I write a blog that is read by at least five people, and some of them have  concerns about both you and your presidency.

OBAMA:  I am happy to answer any questions your readers have.

POE: Let’s start with the claim that you are a socialist.

OBAMA:  I suppose I am a socialist.

POE:  You’re admitting it just like that?

OBAMA:  [Smiling] yes, just like that.

POE:  Okay, what about the persistent rumor that you were born in Kenya?

OBAMA:  That’s true.  I was born in Kenya. My Hawaii birth certificate is a fake.


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POE:  Doesn’t that disqualify you for the presidency?

OBAMA:  I suppose so.  Next question.

POE:  Um [ shuffling of paper]… there is a persistent rumor that you are a Muslim. Is that true?

OBAMA:  It sure is, Paul. Allah akbar, death to America, and all that.

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POE:  One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – believes you are the Anti-Christ.


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POE:  That is absolutely true, Paul. First of all, if you read your Bible you will see that I fit the description of the Anti-Christ.

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POE:  If you are a Muslim, what are you doing reading the Bible?

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OBAMA:  [Good natured laughter.] Okay, you got me there, Paul.  I haven’t actually read the Bible, but I have seen all of the television specials.

POE:  Aren’t you worried about admitting all this stuff?

OBAMA:  Nope. Not a bit.

POE:  Why not?

OBAMA:  Because the people spreading these rumors are crazy.  I should point out they are kooks.  If I am not mistaken, they are a brick short of a load.  A combination plate short of a taco.  A few clowns short of a circus. They have a screw loose.

POE:  Mr. President –

OBAMA:  In fact, in some cases, they are a couple of cards short of a full deck. They are two fries short of a happy meal.  A few trucks short of a convoy.  Five cans sort of a six pack.

POE:  What about –

OBAMA:  These people are nuttier than a fruitcake. For example, the lights are on but nobody is home. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. They are knitting with only one needle. They are not firing on all cylinders. They are driving on only three wheels.

POE:  Maybe we should -

OBAMA:  Look, these are the same people who believe the moon landing was faked and that there is a secret world government using black helicopters to spy on people. My accusers are ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag, which means no one is going to believe them – even though this time they are right.  For example, this happened at a town hall meeting held by a town hall meeting held by a prominent Republican congresman:

POE:  That really happened? It wasn’t staged by an internet video comedy group?

OBAMA:  It really happened.

POE:  That lady sounded crazy.

OBAMA:  They all sound, look, smell, walk, talk and breath crazy. No one – and I mean no one – is going to believe them.  Here is another example. Do you know who Alan Keyes is?

POE:  The crazy black guy who ran against you for senator of Illinois and keeps running for president?

OBAMA:  That’s the one.  He hired an attorney from California to file lawsuits to get me removed from the presidency because I am foreign born.  Here is Keys and his attorney appearing on CNN.  Please keep in mind this next video was posted on Youtube by people who want to prove I was born in Kenya:


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POE:  Keys didn’t sound all that bad.

OBAMA:  Granted. But did you see his attorney?  Her eyes move around independently like some kind of lizard.

OBAMA: The vid edited out all the times she interrupted everyone else. Her name is Orly Taitz and, as the screens hows, she is a dentist, a real estate agent – and she got her law degree from the – get this – William Howard Taft University in Santa Anna, California, and was admitted to practice law in 2002.  So she’s been a practicing attorney for about seven years.  According to http://www.obamaconspiracy.org/2009/01/dr-orly-taitz/ she is calling for the the United States military to rise up against me and form a new government:

“Obama “truth” squad and people like Secretary of State of Ohio Jennifer Brunner and all the others that have been collaborating with this Gestapo-SS establishment, they all should and would be tried in Nurenberg style trials for harassing, intimidating, blackmailing and terrorizing fellow citizens, for defrauding the whole country. Patriots of this country didn’t fight and defeat Nazi Germany to end up with Obamas, McCuskill, Soros, Brunner and the rest of this squad. I hope that the men in this country, particularly in our military will finally revolt against this travesty of Justice. If our government and our elected officials and our judiciary have failed us, then it is time for the new government, new elected officials and a new judiciary.”

POE:  Mr. President, I admit she seems a bit – unusual – but I don’t see what you are getting at.

OBAMA:  My point is – is  this the best Keyes can do?  I am sure Ms. Taitz is a fine dentist and real estate agent, but she has only been practicing law a few years and, she looks and sounds like she is – let me put it this way: these people could point up and yell “the sky is blue!’ and no one would believe them.  So they want to call me a socialist or a communist or the anti-christ?  Be my guest.  The people trying to prove I wasn’t born here couldn’t have chosen a worse spokesperson to represent them.

POE:  Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

OBAMA:  Okay, I’m listening.

POE:  Maybe Keyes intentionally chose her because -

OBAMA:  [Encouraging] yes?

POE:  - because you and Keyes are really working together!

OBAMA: [Smiling and nodding] At this juncture I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.


Coconspirators? The rumors are flying.

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POE:  But it makes sense and explains so much!  Both you and Keys are black. Both of you are from Illinois. Both of you enjoy pasta puttanesca.

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OBAMA:  We also are both Freemasons.

POE:  Really?

OBAMA:  [Laughing]  No, not really.

POE:  Are there any rumors out there that bother you?

OBAMA:  Well, there is a persistent rumor that I eat puppies.


POE:  They accuse me of eating puppies, too!


"It was this big. But it got away."
“It was this big. But it got away.”

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OBAMA:  In my case, though, the rumor is true. I do eat puppies.


So?
So?

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POE:  So do I!


Lunch
Lunch

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OBAMA:  No kidding. I appreciate that.  Okay, in your option, what is the best part?

POE:  The front paws, of course. Deep fried.


I know this little place in Manilla.
I know this little place in Manilla.

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OBAMA:  I prefer the tongue.


POE:  Not me. Too chewy.

OBAMA:  Not if you cook it right.


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POE:  Well, that’s about all the time we have. I would like to thank Barak Obama – puppy eating, socialist, foreign born muslim anti-christ – for speaking with us today.

OBAMA: Hey, Paul, how about lunch?

POE:  Sure, why not?


God help us.

God help us.

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