WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – A peek into the past

We live in a amazing place in time and space.  Never before in the history of the world has so much esoteric information been literally at our fingertips.  For most humans there is little value in an instant – almost godlike – ability to access information.  But for people like me – who see the entire purpose of existence as a desperate devotion, an inevitably futile lifelong quest to intellectually and emotionally grasp the absurd – living in the Information Age provides a spiritual high every time we go online.

Which brings me to my new favorite website, List of the Day.  Check out great-olan-mills-photos.html  for a taste of what is offered.  On this one page someone went through the significant trouble of collecting together stock photos from some of the photography studios that proliferated in the United States during the 1970′s.  Here is a small sample of what is offered:

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These photos were displayed as advertisement for a photo studio’s photographic services.  My, my, my, how times have changed.

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HEADLINE – Romney Surrogate: Electability Should Trump ‘Beliefs and Principles’

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MUNCIE, Indiana - A New Hampshire surrogate for Mitt Romney said at a local political event that it’s evident he will be the Republican presidential nominee and suggested that “beliefs and principles” should not be the deciding factor for voters. 

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State Sen. Gary Lambert said the most important thing is to nominate somebody who can defeat President Obama.

Senator Gary Lambert

“This is not about picking a favorite, it’s not about picking someone you like,” Lambert said. “It’s not about picking someone even with your own beliefs and principles.  This is about choosing the candidate with the best chance of getting that negro out of the White House,” Lambert concluded.

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 “We also have to make damned sure it never happens again,” Lambert added. “That’s why Republicans in the House of Representatives and the Senate in Washington refuse to vote for anything Obama proposes,” Lambert explained. “Sure, it means nothing can get done and it means our nation is going down the toilet, but that is a small price to pay to get that negro out of the White House.  We need to punish the American people so severely that they will never, ever elect one again,” Lambert said.

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“Sure, Rick Santorum has remained true to his beliefs and to conservative principals, and it is true that Santorum’s principals and beliefs are the same as the vast majority of Republicans out there,” Lambert said.

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Santorum

“But there is no way the American people will elect a religious fanatic/bigot. There is just no way. But they might elect Mitt Romney, a guy who has no moral values, who says whatever he thinks his audience wants to hear, and who changes his opinion from second to second.

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Snap that rubber glove! Snap it good!

And that’s why Republicans just have to hold their nose and vote for Romney – because he is our best hope of getting that awful negro out of the White House,” Lambert said. ” It is the “White” House, for Christ’s sake.”

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“Even though Mitt Romney isn’t the perfect candidate, he still has the best chance of beating Obama, and that is why I endorse Romney and urge all white people to vote for him,” Lambert concluded before running off into the darkness.

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HEADLINE – Poll shows GOP voters still looking for answers

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MUNCIE,  Indiana – A recent poll shows that an overwhelming number of voters who identify themselves as Republican are looking for answers.

“What is the meaning of life?” asks Linda Henderson, a stock broker in Omaha, Nebraska. “I mean, why are we here, really?”

Linda Henderson

“What is the nature of reality?” asks Jeb Smith, an unemployed Kentucky turd farmer. “Are we experiencing an objective reality, or is this all a subjective illusion?” Smith wonders.

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Jeb Smith

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“Why do black people complain so much?” asks Marilyn Davenport, GOP official in Orange County, California.

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Marilyn Davenport

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“Those people elected a negro to be their president, so racism is no longer a problem, so why are all those monkeys still complaining?” Davenport asks.

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Davenport gained national notoriety when she distributed a photograph depicting President Obama as a chimpanzee.

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Yep, this is the photo she distributed. But she insists she isn't racist.

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“Assassinate the fucken nigger and his monkey children,” advised Jules Manson, a Tea Party founder.

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Yep, that's what he said. About the President. But he denied being racist.

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“Although it is true that the GOP has opposed every single initiative President Obama has supported – including ideas that the GOP once proposed – and although it is also true that no one has ever done this to any other sitting president, it is utterly untrue that we are doing this because of his race and it is equally untrue that we are doing all we can to make sure he doesn’t succeed in order to send a clear and unequivocal message that it will never, ever, be allowed to happen again, and that we are willing to let the country burn to the ground to stop it,” said John Boehner, leader of the Republican Caucus in the US House of Representatives.

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Source:  http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57345824-503544/poll-shows-gop-voters-still-looking-for-answers/

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HEADLINE – Romney debate gaff threatens candidacy

DES MOINES, Iowa –  In the latest republican candidate debate, Mitt Romney made a statement that now threatens to derail his presidential campaign.

“People of Iowa,” Romney said, “Black people – you hate them, I hate them.”

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“What did he say?” debate moderator Diane Sawyer asked George Stephanopoulos.

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“I think he said he hates black people,” Stephanopoulos responded.

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Romney campaign officials were quick to correct any misinterpretation of Romney’s statement.

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“What Mitt meant to say is that President Obama is responsible for our nation’s economic problems and that Mitt, as a businessman, is best suited to solve those problems,” said Biff Hendric, Romney’s Iowa public relations director.

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Biff Hendric

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“That’s not what I heard him say,” said  Sawyer.

“Yeah, well, I’ll bet you $10,000 that that’s what he meant,” Hendric challenged.

Other Romney spokespersons emphasized that Romney would be spending substantial time and financial resources to campaign in “the great white state of Iowa” in his quest to “keep America American,” a phrase used by the Ku Klux Klan and the anti-immigrant party known as the “Know-nothings.”

Bend over, America!

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Source: http://nomoremister.blogspot.com/2011/12/romney-using-kkk-slogan-steve-benen.html

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HEADLINE – Russia Elevates Warning About U.S. Missile Defense Shield Plan

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MOSCOW — Russia will deploy its own missiles if the United States moves forward with its plans for a missile-defense system in Europe, President Dmitri A. Medvedev warned on Wednesday.

“If you set up a system designed to shoot down missiles, we will target our missiles at those bases,” Mr. Medvedev said.

“We realize your system will shoot down our missiles, but that’s all we’ve got,” Medvedev added.

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Warning to Parents

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When I saw the graphic reproduced above, I thought it was a joke.  A hilarious joke making fun of the breed of fundamentalist christians who were insane.  Comparing Easter Eggs with Satan’s testicles is incredible parody and satire.  Simply brilliant.

But I looked into it and found out that it is even funnier than I could have ever imagined – because it is real. Take a look for yourself. Go to http://www.landoverbaptist.org/eastereggs.html and see for yourself.  I reproduce it below.

The site offers some marvelous items more than suitable for Christmas gifts.

Click on the images for a larger version easier to read.

Enjoy.

HEADLINE – Rick Perry reassures GOP about debating Obama

WASHINGTON — Rick Perry on Sunday sought to reassure GOP primary voters concerned about his wobbly presidential debate performances, apparent low intelligence and general lack of basic education, saying he would draw sharp distinctions with the Democratic incumbent in televised showdowns next year.

“I’m not worried a bit to debate Barack Obama,” Perry said.  “And I believe in Santa Claus,” he added.

The Texas governor, driving for front-runner status as the most viable conservative in the wide-open field, offered up samples of the scathing rhetoric he used to get elected as Governor of Texas.

“President Obama’s policies are poopy,” Perry said with a grin.

“And he is ugly and his mother dresses him funny.  President Obama’s mother is so ugly, well, she is pretty ugly. And she is white. Can you believe that? A white woman having sex with a black man?  In Texas we don’t take kindly to any sort of race mixing.”

“And we don’t like Mormons. They are a cult,” Perry concluded  before further demonstrating his wit by firing a gun into the air.

“Yee ha!” Perry screamed. “Now, don’t that qualify me to be prez-o-dent?” he asked.

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A Grim Fairy Tale: BUMPKIN THE COUNTRY PUMPKIN

So I am sitting in this tavern in Melbourne with my mates Flinthart, Banger, Melbo, Mayhem and Catty, eating and drinking and otherwise faffing up a storm, exploring the random furphy and otherwise having a grand time, when the topic of writing comes up.

I mentioned the inappropriate series of children’s stories I wrote many years ago told by my alter-ego, an evil old man named Brother Grim.

One of my dining companions actually encouraged me to post those awful stories here. I think all of them are secretly laughing at me.  Australians are inscrutable.  I can’t think of any way they can be scruted. But, what the heck, it is nearly Halloween, so why not trot out Bumpkin the Country Pumpkin – posted a couple of years ago at the Mini Burger.  I’ve added illustrations.  I recommend that all of you read it to your children, the younger the better.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you

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BUMPKIN THE COUNTRY PUMPKIN

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Once upon a time there was a little pumpkin named Bumpkin.

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He lived in the country, far away from the Big City, on the side of the road next to the pumpkin patch.  He was a bit scrawny and small.  He began as a stray seed that accidentally flew to the roadside to sprout and grow without the benefit of regular water, fertilizer and pesticides. 

So he sat by the side of the road, watching the pumpkins in the pumpkin patch grow big and orange and proud.

“We are Halloween pumpkins!” the pumpkin patch pumpkins would say to Bumpkin.  “Children will buy us and make us into Jack-o-lanterns for Halloween!” they bragged shamelessly.

Bumpkin wished he, too, could be a Jack-O-Lantern for Halloween, but the pumpkin patch pumpkins laughed when he confessed his deepest desire.

“We are big and orange,” they would point out.  “We will be picked at harvest and taken to the supermarket where we will be examined and fawned over and picked by children, who will carve us into scary and silly faces.  We will be illuminated by flickering candles, glowing yellow out from our carved eyes.  We will be remembered forever by children who grow into adults, who will take their children in turn to the supermarket to pick a Halloween pumpkin.”

“Maybe I will become a Jack-o-lantern too!” Bumpkin squeaked from the roadside, interrupting the litany of self-admiration.

“You?” the other pumpkins sneered. “Who would pick you?  You are funny-looking, and besides, you are growing out by the roadside, away from the pumpkin patch.  You will never be harvested and taken to the supermarket.”

When harvest came, Bumpkins saw that it was true.  The truck loads of migrant workers were paid by the pound, so they concentrated on the bigger, oranger pumpkins in the pumpkin patch.  They didn’t even notice little, scrawny, misshaped Bumpkin.

But then one of the workers, for reasons unknown, and to the righteous shock of the finer pumpkins, reached out and picked Bumpkin and placed him on the pile with the other pumpkins.

And so Bumpkin was taken to the supermarket and placed on display. 

But no one picked him.  Many children came and looked.  Some touched and weighed, some seriously considered, but they all ended up choosing the bigger, oranger pumpkins.

On Halloween Eve Bumpkin found himself all alone on the wooden display sitting between two rotting pumpkins.  He felt it was all over when he heard a woman’s voice ask:

“How much for the pumpkins?”

“I’ll give you all three for a penny a piece,” the voice of the produce manager said.

And so the woman bought Bumpkin and the two rotting pumpkins and brought them to her home.

The woman lived in a bad neighborhood in a small appartment near a busy street.  When she got home, she took all three pumpkins out of the bag and began cutting and cleaning the two rotting pumpkins, who had died from despair many days earlier.

“I guess I’m going to be a pie,” Bumpkin said to himself in bitter disappointment. 

But then a little boy walked into the kitchen.  His name was Timmy, and Timmy wanted – more than anything in the world – to carve a jack-o-lantern for Halloween.  He saw Bumpkin lying on the counter beside the sink, and Timmy fell in love.  Bumpkin was the most beautiful pumpkin Timmy had ever seen.

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“Please, Mamma. Please, can I have that little pumpkin?” he asked.

“No,” his mother said.  “We are very poor, and we need these pumpkins for food.  It is wrong to play with food.”

“Oh, please Mamma!  If you give me the pumpkin, I promise to get a job and work real hard to earn enough money to buy another pumpkin so you can cook it!  Please!”  Timmy said, and began to cry, because he knew full well that there were no jobs for poor little boys like him.

His mother knew it, too, but she gave Timmy the little pumpkin anyway. She really didn’t want to cook it.  She was suspicious of Bumpkin’s sickly color and odd shape.  She thought Bumpkin might be diseased.  So she gave it to Timmy.

“Make sure to wash your hands afterwards,” Timmy’s mother instructed.

Timmy didn’t care what Bumpkin looked like or the risk of pathogen contamination associated with cutting into Bumpkin’s flesh.  Timmy was overjoyed.

And Bumpkin was overjoyed.  He was going to be a jack-o-lantern!  At last, his dream was coming true.

Bumpkin became a little hesitant when he saw Timmy spread some newspaper on the floor and take hold of a long carving knife.

 

And it hurt a lot when Timmy clumsily stabbed into Bumpkin’s flesh, cutting a hole in Bumpkin’s top and reaching in to scoop out Bumpkin’s guts.

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Bumpkin fainted more than once.  And, as Timmy’s little hand scooped out Bumpkin’s insides, reaching in over and over again,  Bumpkin screamed over and over again, screams that only other pumpkins could hear – as well as the occasional banana squash.

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Between fainting and screaming, Bumpkin could hear, out in the black night, the howling screams of the bigger, oranger pumpkins who, like Bumpkin, were being eviscerated by smiling, laughing children, as well as the occasional perverted adult.

After what seemed to be a timeless eternity of suffering without end, Bumpkin was transformed into a jack-o-lantern.  Timmy beamed as he placed a candle in Bumpkin, lit the candle and set Bumpkin in front of the apartment door.

Bumpkin’s pride overshadowed his excruciating pain.  He looked up and down the street at the other jack-o-lanterns carved from the fine, cultivated pumpkins.   Bumpkin could feel their surprise – and a little outrage – when they noticed him.  Bumpkin decided that he was just as good as any of them.  And he was.

The magic of that night went on and on.  Bumpkin watched as the costumed children went door to door yelling “trick or treat!” holding out their bags for candy.

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And then it was Timmy’s turn.  Bumpkin watched as Timmy and his mother left the apartment to go trick or treating.

“Isn’t my jack-o-lantern beautiful?” Timmy beamed.

“Yes, dear,” his mother said, and they walked off.

It wasn’t long before more children came to the door.  But no one was home to give them candy, and the children walked away, dissappointed. Some of them said foul and impolite things, angered by the lack of candy caused by Timmy and his mother’s absence.   Then one group of boys came by who weren’t dressed in costumes.

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When no one responded to their baritone cries of “trick or treat!,” the boys threw eggs at Timmy’s apartment and wrote rude remarks with bars of soap on the apartment windows.  Then they picked up Bumpkin and ran off.

Bumpkin remained with those terrible boys through the night.  He was with them when they threw more eggs, sprayed shaving cream, and frightened other children.  The boys even used Bumpkin to terrify the littlest kids.  The boys would thrust Bumpkin into the faces of children and yell “boo!”  The little kids would look at Bumpkin, scream and run away crying.

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Just before midnight, the boys climbed to the top of a building, ran over to the edge of the roof and threw Bumpkin down to the pavement below.  Bumpkin smashed into a million pieces.

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But he didn’t die. 

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In the morning someone swept up the pieces of Bumpkin and threw them into a garbage can.

As the pieces of Bumpkin lay there in the dark, smelly garbage can, Bumpkin heard a little boy crying.  It was Timmy, and he was crying because someone had stolen his first and most favorite jack-o-lantern.  Timmy’s mother came to comfort him.

“Don’t cry, dear. It was only a vegetable,” she said.

And then, alone in the trash, Bumpkin died.  

THE END

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HEADLINE – Bachmann Takes Break From Campaign

MUNCIE, Indiana – Tea Party darling Michelle Bachmann took time off from her presidential campaign to relax by strolling through a meat locker.

“Nothing clears my head and makes me feel more confident in God’s great plan for me than spending time with a bunch of hanging carcasses,” Bachmann said as she walked among dead cows waiting to be  butchered at the Acme International Meat Processing plant just outside of Muncie.

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” quipped convicted serial killer, Charles Manson, from his cell in Folsom Prision.

Michele Bachmann vis-a-vis Charles Manson (a fair and balanced examination)

In my last entry, I argued that Newsweek did not try to make Tea Party favorite presidential candidate Michele Bachmann look “crazy” by featuring a certain photograph of Ms. Bachmann on the latest Newsweek cover.

I attempted to support my argument by showing other, much less flattering photographs of Ms. Bachmann that most definitely make her look crazy.

The point I was trying to make was that, if Newsweek really wanted to make Michele Bachmann look crazy, they could have and would have easilly used a less flattering photograph of her.

A number of you commented that Bachmann’s eyes remind you of notorious serial killer Charlie Manson.

I don’t think that is true, but, in the spirit of fairness, I will let you judge for yourself.  Michele Bachmann’s eyes look like this:

Whereas Charlie Manson’s eyes look like this:

As you can see, any similarity is entirely superficial.

Did Newsweek choose Michele Bachmann cover photo to make her ‘look crazy’?

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American right wing pundits and Tea Party boosters are up in arms over Newsweek‘s latest cover, which they claim unfairly makes Michele Bachmann “look crazy”:

I think Newsweek went easy on Bachmann. They could have chosen any of these already existing photos:

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My  grandmother once told me that, to know if someone is mentally imbalanced,  look at only their eyes.  Ignore their voice, the rest of their face. Just look at their eyes.  Here are Michele Bachmann’s eyes:

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In my opinion, Michele Bachmann is ten pounds of crazy trying to fit inside of a five pound bag.  This lady scares the hell out of me.

But please, decide for yourself.

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BOEHNER POINTS THE FINGER

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HEADLINE – Binge drinking impairs memory in women

They won't remember a thing.

MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.

“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.

The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found at http://www.duh.edu.

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SOURSE:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14154404

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HEADLINE – Bin Laden sought name change, rebranding for Al Qaeda

The new, smiling, friendly face of international terror.

WASHINGTON—As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that Al Qaeda was suffering from a marketing problem. He proposed Al Qaeda get a fresh start with a new name.

A friendlier image.

“The Crusader war against us has caused our name to lose its positive, favorable impression with the public,” Bin Laden wrote sometime in 2010. “We need a new, friendlier image,” Bin Laden concluded.

Bin Laden went on to make suggestions for a new name, including “Pal Qaeda,” “Jihad Is Us” and “Wahabi Wally’s Freedom Emporium.”  Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQR) lobbied hard to change their name to “Starbucks” or “Target” but Bin Laden warned his followers against choosing a name “that will only serve to draw us into protracted and expensive litigation, not to mention one that will cause great consumer confusion.”

Some of Starbuck's lawyers.

Al Queda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) suggested “The Ass Bomb Group” but Bin Laden chided AQAP and warned them not to choose a name that limited Al Qaeda’s operational parameters.

“I know how much you guys like to hide bombs in the rectums of idiot converts,” Bin Laden wrote, 

Idiot recruit (they actually convinced him to let them shove a bomb up his poop chute).

“…but a joke – even one that is rich with dramatic irony – should not create the framework within which we operate. If we called ourselves the Ass Bomb Group, that name choice would create a momentum to only use ass bombs to sow fear among the opponents of God.  As funny as that would be, humor should not limit our operational options.”

Bin Laden wrote one final letter instructing his followers to hire “some New York public relations firm” to help Al Qaeda come up with a catchy new name, a PR firm “preferably with a lot of Jews. Jews are so good at that kind of thing.  The Irish, not so much,” Bin Laden stated.

 

a public relations disaster.

The letter, which was undated, was discovered among bin Laden’s recent writings. Navy SEALs stormed his compound and killed him before any name change could be made. 

Federal Express

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Source: bin-laden-sought-name-change-rebranding-for-al-qaeda

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HEADLINE – Gates rebukes European allies in farewell speech

"I hate you most of all," Gates said.

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OSLO – In an unusually stinging speech, made on his valedictory visit to Europe before he retires at the end of the month, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates rebuked some of America’s staunchest allies Friday, saying the United States “is sick and tired of all you cheese eating, beer swilling, butt pinching surrender monkeys.”

“It’s been real and it’s been fun,” Gates continued, “but it hasn’t been real fun. I personally am not going to miss any of you, especially the Germans. What is up with you Germans, cozying up to the Russians? You think you can trust them? Really?”

Gates heaped insults upon the stunned and mostly silent foreign dignitaries in the room – and he didn’t stop with Europe.

“And you Muslims, especially you Arab Muslims, snap out of it. This whole jihad thing is just sad. Do what you need to do to put a stop to it. Those few homicidal morons are making all of you look bad. And your “Arab Spring” is a joke. You can yell and scream all you want but it isn’t going to change anything. When push comes to shove, your dictatorial governments will crush you like bugs just as Syria has done and is doing.”

“And Africa,” Gates said. “I am so tired of you people.  Why can’t you just get along?”

“Screw you guys, I’m going home,” Gates concluded and abruptly left the building.

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/story.html

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HEADLINE – PR campaign for the apocalypse seems to be working

Heaven is apparently going to be minority-free.

MUNCIE –  Evangelical American Christians are not satisfied predicting the end of the world. So they hired a public relations firm to convince the rest of the world that the end is near.

 “More people than ever before are open to the idea of the End of Days,” says Ralf Rabinowitz, Chief Account Executive at Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz & Murphy, one of the world’s top PR firms with corporate offices headquartered in New York City.

Ralf Rabinowi

 “We started with some catchy slogans,” said Rabinowitz. “ ‘The apocalypse is great!’ has appeared on bill boards everywhere in five languages. ‘Capture the Rapture’ was my own idea,” Rabinowitz continued.

 It seems to be working.

 “If you asked me how I felt about the end of the world a year ago, I would have been skeptical,” said Phil Henderson of Fort Wayne, New Jersey. “But now I feel, what the hell, why not?”

 

Phil Henderson

“As long as I am among those who are yanked up to heaven when the rapture comes, then I am for it,” said Samantha Dunning of Mar Vista, California. “Everyone else can just go to hell. Literally.”

Samantha Dunning (right)

 Evangelical churches have poured millions of dollars into the PR campaign to convince non believers that the end is near.

 “It’s good for business,” said Harold Camping, an evangelical radio preacher who has predicted the end of the world six times in the last 20 years. “As long as the money keeps rolling in, I plan on keep predicting Doomsday.”

Harold Camping

Camping owns a corporation that manufactures the materials used to make signs announcing the end of the world.

Cha – ching!

 Source: http:// pr-campaign-for-the-apocalypse-seems-to-be-working

Racist Christians are in for a surprise.

HEADLINE – Tall, obese men at higher risk for blood clots

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Finally, some good news for short, obese men.

Source: http://tall-obese-clots-20110429

HEADLINE – Elderly Arab recluse killed in robbery

ISLAMABAD -  A prominent Arab recluse was killed during what appears to be a “home invasion” style robbery.

Witnesses say that a notorious gang that calls itself the SEALs forced their way into the elderly man’s Abbottabad vacation home, killed the home owner and some of his house guests and then ran off with the old man’s computers and extensive collection of personal videos documenting his quite home life.

The SEALs are lead by a Kenyan born warlord rumored to be ruthless and tricky.

Pakistani law enforcement officials are investigating.

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HEADLINE – Trump takes credit for bin Laden death

Donald Trump

MUNCIE – Real estate mogul and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took credit tonight for Osama bin Laden’s death.

“I am very proud of the fact that, by forcing the President to produce his birth certificate, that the President was finally able to concentrate and put the time and effort into apprehending and killing that bin Laden guy,” said Trump in New York tonight.

“It is no coincidence that bin Laden was killed right after the President produced the long form of his birth certificate, which I made him do,” Trump said.

Trump recently announced that he will seek the presidency after his television show “Celebrity Apprentice” concludes.

An anonymous source within the White House confirmed that, when President Obama learned of Trump’s decision, the President smiled, said “excellent” and began stroking a Persian cat sitting on the President’s lap.

Representatives of the GOP were not available for comment.

HEADLINE – “Birthers” attack Obama for releasing birth certificate

A prominent crazy person hooting like a loon on Fox News.

Donald Trump hooting like a loon for an audience in Las Vegas.

Sara Palin hooting like a loon for supporters in Boston

John Boehner hooting like a loon in Washington D.C.

Rick Perry hooting like a loon in Texas.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia hooting like a loon.

Michelle Bachmann hooting like a loon in Cleveland, Ohio

Mitt Romney hooting like a loon in Spartanburg, South Carolina.

MUNCIE - Republican leaders on Thursday slammed President Obama’s release of his detailed birth certificate as a distraction from the issue of whether or not he was born in the United States.

“Its a distraction from our distraction,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said on “CNN Newsroom,” referring to Obama’s decision to release his long-form birth certificate.

Reince Preibus with a silly big hammer. Like the kind of hammer a judge uses in court, but way bigger.

“The whole ‘show us your birth certificate’ thing was the greatest non issue in American political history, totally distracting millions of people from the real issues,” Preibus continued. “It’s maddening that the President would put an end to our yelling and screaming for him to show us his birth certificate by actually disproving our idiotic charges – charges that have never been made against any other sitting president or any candidate for the presidency.”

Born in Panama, but his citizenship has never been questioned.

“Well, that isn’t entirely true,” Preibus then admitted. “There was a persistent rumor that Grover Cleveland was born in Canada.”

Probably Canadian.

“But no one made an issue of it because Cleveland wasn’t …. he wasn’t like Obama,” Preibus said and ran off.

Preibus running away.

Most birthers feel the issue is not settled: “Okay, so he was born in Hawaii,” said Donald Trump, billionaire birther and possible Republican presidential candidate.

Donald Trump reacts to Obama proving he was born in Hawaii.

“But science has proven that the blacks, they just aren’t good in school. How could Obama go to Harvard much less be president?”

It just doesn’t seem possible.

“It just doesn’t make scientific sense. I am prepared to show that a black man couldn’t possibly have been smart enough to go to Harvard, and to prove it I have investigators researching Obama’s elementary school report cards.  The word is his grades were bad, very bad. The word is he failed gym because he wouldn’t play dodge ball, which is exactly what someone born in Kenya would do. The word is that Kenyans hate dodge ball.”

Everybody knows Africans prefer basketball.

HEADLINE – Where next for NASA? Scientists draw up wish list

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BILLINGS, MT –  Facing funding cuts, NASA scientists drew up their “wish lists.”

“I want a pony and a monkey and a trip to Disneyland!” said Dr. Herbert Krantz, Project Director for the now cancelled first manned mission to Mars, at a press conference where he revealed his personal wish list.

Virtually all NASA manned and unmanned space missions have been cancelled due to lack of funding.

Source:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110308/ap_on_sc/us_sci_science_wish_list-

HEADLINE – Republican Leader “Obama as Chimp Photo Not Racist”

“The Chinese are cheaper than the Jews,” says Marilyn Davenport at a recent news conference.

SANTA ANA –  A prominent Tea Party organizer has come under fire for sending an email containing a photograph depicting President Barack Obama as a chimpanzee.

“There is nothing racist about comparing African Americans with monkeys,” said Marilyn Davenport, an elected member of the Orange County Republican central committee.

Davenport sent the e-mail on Friday. The “family photo” attached to Davenport’s email features the commander-in-chief as a baby chimpanzee with two chimp parents.

Nothing racist about this.

“My position would be I am concerned, knowing what the responsibility is of a president,” Davenport said. “I guess we should know his origin, shouldn’t we?”

In 2009 Davenport rose to national notoriety when she defended the former Republican mayor of Los Alamitos, Dean Grose when Grose emailed a photo showing a watermelon patch in front of the White House.

Nothing racist about this at all.

“There is nothing racist about predicting that President Obama will grow watermelons on the White house lawn,” said Davenport, adding that it is a “well-known fact that the blacks enjoy watermelon after eating fried chicken.”

Totally not racist.

“They also enjoy malt liquor,” Davenport added.

Davenport defended former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols when Nichols objected to beach improvements because Mexicans would utilize the improvements.

Dick Nichols – not a racist.

“There is nothing racist about complaining that there are too many Mexicans using our local beaches, ruining it for the rest of us,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that your basic Mexican isn’t as clean as normal people.”  Davenport went on to state that “those people” should speak English.

Ruining our white beaches.

Davenport also defended a Republican women’s club in San Bernardino County that sent out a  newsletter with a fake “food stamp” showing Barack Obama surrounded by fried chicken, watermelon and ribs.

If you think this is racist, then you are a racist for thinking that.

“There is nothing racist about associating the president – who is half-black – with fried chicken, watermelon and ribs,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that many people on welfare, almost all of them black, use food stamps to purchase fried chicken, watermelon, ribs and Kool Aid. Those people just love Kool Aid,” Davenport opined.

Nothing racist about this whatsoever.

Davenport’s supporters argue that the entire controversy is a big misunderstanding.

“All Marilyn was doing was sharing a racist joke with a few of her closest racist friends, which is nothing more than an exercise of her rights of free speech as an American citizen.  If Marilyn is guilty of anything, she is guilty of not taking the time and care to identify her truly racist friends, and separate them from those she knows who are just pretending to be racist,” said an anonymous source close to Davenport.

Her supporter was wearing this t-shirt.

“I think it’s only racist when the intent in my heart is to make it that way, and that was not the intent in my heart,” Davenport said outside her suburban ranch-style home.

In her heart she knows she isn’t racist.

“I’m gaining weight, my period has stopped, I have morning sickness but I’m not pregnant,” said Davenport’s 18 year old niece, Buffy. “A person can only be pregnant if they personally think they are pregnant, and if they don’t think they are, then they aren’t.”

Buffy Davenport

“In my heart I know I’m not pregnant,” said Buffy as she tried to cross a busy highway on foot because, in her heart, she “intended” the freeway to be a garden path.

An unknown person who received the email from Davenport was offended and reported the incident to the local media.  Davenport and her supporters are attempting to ascertain the identity of this “race traitor.”

Sources:  

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2011/04/17/2011-04-H 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_obama_offensive_email;_ -

HEADLINE – FDA claims no need to test Pacific fish for radioactivity

FDA spokesperson Vinny Slimp

WASHINGTON D.C. – North Pacific fish are so unlikely to be contaminated by radioactive material from the crippled nuclear plant in Japan that there’s no reason to test them, state and federal officials said this week.

“I personally smelled a fish that came out of the Pacific that looked like it could have been Japanese and could detect no radiation whatsoever,” said FDA spokesperson Vinny Slimp. The Food and Drug Administration has oversight of the nation’s food supplies.

“Based on the work they’re doing, no sampling or monitoring of our fish is necessary,” Slimp said. “We also consulted with a really good psychic that works for the North Pacific Fish Foundation who told us to tell everyone to eat all the Pacific fish they want and that no testing is necessary.”  The North Pacific Fish Foundation is an advocacy and lobbying group that represents the sea food industry and works closely with the FDA to provide guidance on sea food safety regulations. 

“Fish is good for you even if it is radioactive,” said Rocko Vincenchi, Associate Director of the Food Safety Advisory Board. “Like the chemicals in drinking water from plastic bottles and dyes in foods, there is nothing bad, per se, about radiation.  We got radiation everywhere. You walk outside and you get hit with radiation from the sun. That’s right, from the sun. Solar energy and radiation are the same thing.  Besides, fish got all that healthy fish oil in them, so the more radiated fish you eat the more you will be protected from radiation in the fish!” Vincenchi said, then quickly added “but I’m not saying there is any radiation in any fish. The FDA says there is no need for testing so that means there ain’t no radiation,  right?”

Rocko Vincenchi

The Food Safety Advisory Board is an advocacy/lobbying organization supported financially by the food industry and is dedicated to repealing food safety regulations.

Source:

http://www.thenewstribune.com/2011/04/16/1629400/fda-claims-no-need-to-test-pacific.html#ixzz1JnSXmTVC

HEADLINE – Serial killer sentenced to death dies in prison

Warden Henderson learning the news.

COLUMBUS, Ohio — An elderly Kentucky con man who pleaded guilty to five slayings in Wisconsin and Ohio — and was on death row for his most recent crime — has died in prison of natural causes, an Ohio prisons spokesman said Friday.

Edward Edwards, 77, died Thursday night at the Corrections Medical Center in Columbus, where he was being held, spokesman Carlo LoParo told The Associated Press. An autopsy determined that he suffered a heart attack during the night and died peacefully in his sleep.

“Edward’s untimely death is nothing less than a tragedy,” said LoParo. “The Warden is totally bummed.  He had an outfit picked out for the execution. And the deposit on the post-execution luncheon is nonrefundable, so that’s gone, too.”

“This may ruin my chances for a modeling career,” said Cindy Henderson, Queen of the Execution Day parade. “The Execution Day parade organizers said I have to return the tiara.”

“We just gotta figure out a way to fry these guys faster,” said Skip Obrien, Director of Justice for All, a pro death penalty advocacy group. “This guy died in his sleep before we could throw the switch. It is really embarrassing.”

Source: http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/serial-killer-sentenced-to-904064.html

HEADLINE – Gov’t focus on nuke crisis angers tsunami victims

RIKUZENTAKATA, Japan – As Japan’s prime minister held another in an endless stream of press conferences to describe in great detail the Japanese government’s efforts to fix damaged nuclear reactors, frustrated tsunami victims complained that the government has been too focused on the nuclear crisis that followed the massive wave.

“Hey! Over here! 165,000 people living in cardboard boxes and packing crates! HELLO?? Is anyone home??” 35-year-old Megumi Shimanuki shouted at the Prime Minister from the crowd gathered at the press conference. “Yeah, yeah, highly radioactive water is leaking into the sea. Blah, blah, blah. I need a house,” Shimanuki yelled.

“Go find the corporate executives and their stooge government regulators who willfully and knowingly decided to operate unsafe nuclear reactors right near the ocean, line them up against a wall, and shoot them,” suggested Ken Hashimoto, a fellow tsunami evacuee.

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“Kill them all, then confiscate their multiple homes, expensive automobiles and jewelry they bought with the profits they made cutting safety corners.  Sell that property and use the money to get me some food,” Hashimoto added.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com

Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions – and Ray Gun Girls

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By now you know I kind of dig Space Chicks.

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In addition to writing substantively on the historical, sociological and geopolitical aspects of Space Chicks, my purely scholarly passion led me to become the worlds leading authority on subject.

Professor Boylan presenting a paper on Space Chicks at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa, in 2006

When I first determined the importance of Space Chicks as a pop culture phenomenon,  I soon observed that there is an important Space Chick subset that is best described as “Ray Gun Girls.”  Simply put, a Ray Gun Girl is a girl often, but not always, wearing a space suit in close proximity to a ray gun, often, but not always holding the ray gun.

Like Space Chicks in general, Ray Gun Girls first appeared on the cover of pulp magazines.

And when Space Chicks migrated from pulp novel covers to film and television, Ray Gun Girls began showing up there, too.

In all honesty, most Ray Gun Girl images are fetish driven manifestations of arrested male adolescent wish fulfillment, amounting to little more than soft core pornography.

However, as the years went by science fiction matured, and Space Chick images began to include strong, capable women who were fully realized heroic figures as complex and detailed as any male hero. As this happened, the images of Ray Gun Girls also evolved into something more serious and less sexist.

To me, the entire phenomenon is really quite fascinating. I don’t have the time or inclination to explore in this blog why there is such a driving interest to depict women holding ray guns.  The psycho-sexual implications alone would fill more space than I have to work with here. However, it is worth noting that the Ray Gun Girl concept is distancing itself from sex object utility and is increasingly being seen as a sign of feminist empowerment.

I’m taking the time here to provide you with the opportunity to judge for yourself.  Below is a gallery of Ray Gun Girl drawings and photos representing only what I was able to download in a few minutes before I gave up and went on to more serious business.  Nevertheless, this incomplete sample is the most comprehensive collection of Ray Gun Girl pics anywhere on or off the internet.

I present them in the order my computer imposed due to file title.

[If you don't see any gallery below, then you need to go back up to the top and click on the link entitled something like "The Ultimate Ray Gun Girl Gallery."

I take no responsibility for any offense that may result from anyone accessing and scrutinizing any of the photos in that gallery.]

HEADLINE – More Proof God Exists: Obese People More Likely To Die From Swine Flu

MUNCIE – Extremely obese individuals – those with a body mass index over 40 because they eat like pigs – have a significantly higher chance of dying from a H1N1 swine flu infection compared to people who do not eat like pigs, researchers revealed in the journal Clinical Infectious Diseases.

“This is more proof that God exists,” said Krista Schnurstein, a Bibleologist and Christian stand-up comedian.  “This joke took over a billion years to be told, which also illustrates God’s incredible patience.  The joke required humans and pigs to evolve, the H1N1 virus to evolve and be identified, as well as the process that eventually named it ‘swine flu.’ God’s majesty is truly apparent when you consider the slow evolution of the now universal comparison between fat people and pigs, resulting in this new research showing fat people more likely to die of swine flu – which is, essentially, a divine punch line,” Schnurstein concluded.

Advocates for the morbidly obese are more concerned about the emotional pain this new study will cause fat people. “Fat people are often made fun of by comparing them to pigs,” said Tina Finster, Director of Friends of Obese Dependents (FOOD), a non profit organization that lobbies on behalf of obese citizens trapped in their homes because they are too large to use ordinary doors. “We want to change the name of swine flu to something less insulting to fat people who contract that illness,” Finster said.

FOOD has polled its members to determine what term should be used to replace “swine flu.”  Based on the poll results, FOOD is sponsoring legislation that will require all state and federal government agencies to refer to swine flu by any of the following alternative names: cuddly-kitten flu, extra-crispy flu, chocolate-cake flu, fried-chicken flu, four-double-Whoppers-with-extra-cheese flu, or yes-I-want-fries-with-that flu.

“YOU LIE!”

JOE WILSON AND THE AMERICAN WAY

I want to talk to you about Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled Barak Obama by yelling “you lie!” when the president was addressing a joint session of congress.

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He looks retarded, but he is more than that.

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The liberal media has expressed extreme outrage over this incident, accusing Wilson of being everything from a boorish idiot to a racist.

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Victim of the liberal media

Don’t let that outrage fool you. What Wilson did is no big deal – especially when viewed through the lens of American history.  A congressman yelling “you lie!” at the president during a presentation to congress is not only a trivial event, the event itself fits well within the American traditions of political free speech.

The American Way

To begin with, allow me to remind you what it means to be an American.  More than anything else, being an American means having the constitutional right to speak your mind.  Many Americans take this important freedom for granted.  But those outside our great nation know how special and precious it is. During the great wave of immigration that took place near the beginning of the 20^th Century – the time my Greek ancestors came to this country – immigrants wrote home saying that the streets of American cities were “paved with gold.”

In a literal sense this wasn’t true.  But to people escaping tyranny, oppression and poverty, the freedoms and opportunities that came with merely walking on American soil were priceless.  Where they came from, no matter how hard they worked they could never hope for a better life for their children.  In America, men and women who are willing to work hard can shape their own futures.  In their homelands, these immigrants could be arrested and imprisoned for saying the wrong thing.  But in America they could argue in the streets and express their opinions freely.

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What the liberal media wants us to forget is that the right of free speech includes the right to get angry.  When Joe Wilson interrupted the President of the United States by shouting “you lie!” Citizen Joe was merely exercising his rights as an American and was taking part in a tradition that spans our nation’s noble history.

The American Founding Fathers were notoriously cranky, rude, angry men who openly hated each other.  Benjamin Franklin hated Thomas Paine. Thomas Paine hated George Washington. George Washington hated all French intellectuals – who, in a very real sense, gave birth to the American Revolution.

Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr hated each other so much they fought a duel – and Burr killed Hamilton with a bullet that pierced Hamilton’s liver.  Thomas Jefferson – the man given credit with drafting the American Declaration of Independence – made loud, unmistakable noises simulating flatulence – often using his hand and armpit – every time he encountered his political rival John Adams.  Adams never hesitated to accuse Jefferson of “preferring the company of young boys” and of stealing the design for the swivel chair from Nathaniel Swivel, a Boston furniture maker and brewer.

Nathaniel Swivel

As our republic grew and matured, so did the salty nature of American political discourse.  Martin Van Buren – our 8^th president – and the first American president born in the United States – won the 1832 election in a landslide.  But the Whig Party (now defunct) despised Van Buren and refused to recognize his legitimacy.  They spread rumors that he was born in Holland and that he was secretly a Quaker.

Quaker

In conjunction with this rumor campaign, the Whigs engaged in a rhetorical attack utilizing misleading vocabulary. For example, Winfield Scott – a Whig Party organizer – gave a speech in Buffalo, New York accusing Van Buren of vague charges that no one understood but everyone believed.  Scott is quoted as saying:

“In addition to the many crimes Martin Van Buren has committed against the American people as a whole – nay humanity – perhaps most disturbing, if not revolting, is the indisputable fact that Van Buren is a notorious masticator.   Reliable sources close to Van Buren – if that is his real name – confirm that he masticates at least three times a day, often in the presence of his wife. As monstrous as this may seem, Van Buren has also been known to vacillate on numerous occasions.  I put it to you that, not only is Van Buren a vacillator AND a masticator, he vacillates WHILE he masticates! The man has practiced vacillation and chronic mastication ever since he was a small child in Holland!”

These Whig tactics worked: the public turned against Van Buren, with many refusing to shake his hand for fear of where it may have been.  Whig congressmen and senators began pelting Van Buren with rotten vegetables whenever he spoke publically. The threat of violence became so pronounced that Van Buren would carry two loaded pistols whenever he addressed congress.

Packing heat

More recently, Republicans unhappy with Franklin Delano Roosevelt – a polio victim confined to a wheel chair – accused Roosevelt of being born in Norway and of secretly being a Free Mason. They would yell “cripple!” and “gimp!” during Roosevelt’s State of the Union addresses, pretending that they were sneezing.

He killed and ate this child.

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So, when seen through the lens of history, Joe Wilson’s yelling, “you lie!” at Obama during the the President’s State of the Union Address, or Arizona Governor Jan Brewer jabbing her finger into the President’s face while yelling at him, or even a reporter heckling Obama during a press conference, it really isn’t very important.

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This never happened when a white president was giving a speech.

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This would never happen to a white president, and never has.

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Perhaps they feel free to disrespect him because he isn’t white, so he can’t really be the president, so they don’t owe him any respect.

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 It is just part of the American way.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: BARAK OBAMA

[In this frankly fictitious interview, President Barak Obama agrees to sit down with People of Earth and discussed rumors spread by his political opponents in an attempt to demonize him.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Mr. President, may I call you “Barak?”

PRESIDENT BARAK OBAMA:  Sure. It’s great to be here.

POE:  After this interview, can I refer to you as “one of my peeps?”

OBAMA:  [Laughs] Why not?

POE: Great. Thanks. Mr. President – Barak – as you know, I write a blog that is read by at least five people, and some of them have  concerns about both you and your presidency.

OBAMA:  I am happy to answer any questions your readers have.

POE: Let’s start with the claim that you are a socialist.

OBAMA:  I suppose I am a socialist.

POE:  You’re admitting it just like that?

OBAMA:  [Smiling] yes, just like that.

POE:  Okay, what about the persistent rumor that you were born in Kenya?

OBAMA:  That’s true.  I was born in Kenya. My Hawaii birth certificate is a fake.

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POE:  Doesn’t that disqualify you for the presidency?

OBAMA:  I suppose so.  Next question.

POE:  Um [ shuffling of paper]… there is a persistent rumor that you are a Muslim. Is that true?

OBAMA:  It sure is, Paul. Allah akbar, death to America, and all that.

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POE:  One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – believes you are the Anti-Christ.

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POE:  That is absolutely true, Paul. First of all, if you read your Bible you will see that I fit the description of the Anti-Christ.

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POE:  If you are a Muslim, what are you doing reading the Bible?

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OBAMA:  [Good natured laughter.] Okay, you got me there, Paul.  I haven’t actually read the Bible, but I have seen all of the television specials.

POE:  Aren’t you worried about admitting all this stuff?

OBAMA:  Nope. Not a bit.

POE:  Why not?

OBAMA:  Because the people spreading these rumors are crazy.  I should point out they are kooks.  If I am not mistaken, they are a brick short of a load.  A combination plate short of a taco.  A few clowns short of a circus. They have a screw loose.

POE:  Mr. President –

OBAMA:  In fact, in some cases, they are a couple of cards short of a full deck. They are two fries short of a happy meal.  A few trucks short of a convoy.  Five cans sort of a six pack.

POE:  What about –

OBAMA:  These people are nuttier than a fruitcake. For example, the lights are on but nobody is home. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. They are knitting with only one needle. They are not firing on all cylinders. They are driving on only three wheels.

POE:  Maybe we should -

OBAMA:  Look, these are the same people who believe the moon landing was faked and that there is a secret world government using black helicopters to spy on people. My accusers are ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag, which means no one is going to believe them – even though this time they are right.  For example, this happened at a town hall meeting held by a town hall meeting held by a prominent Republican congresman:

POE:  That really happened? It wasn’t staged by an internet video comedy group?

OBAMA:  It really happened.

POE:  That lady sounded crazy.

OBAMA:  They all sound, look, smell, walk, talk and breath crazy. No one – and I mean no one – is going to believe them.  Here is another example. Do you know who Alan Keyes is?

POE:  The crazy black guy who ran against you for senator of Illinois and keeps running for president?

OBAMA:  That’s the one.  He hired an attorney from California to file lawsuits to get me removed from the presidency because I am foreign born.  Here is Keys and his attorney appearing on CNN.  Please keep in mind this next video was posted on Youtube by people who want to prove I was born in Kenya:

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POE:  Keys didn’t sound all that bad.

OBAMA:  Granted. But did you see his attorney?  Her eyes move around independently like some kind of lizard.

OBAMA: The vid edited out all the times she interrupted everyone else. Her name is Orly Taitz and, as the screens hows, she is a dentist, a real estate agent – and she got her law degree from the – get this – William Howard Taft University in Santa Anna, California, and was admitted to practice law in 2002.  So she’s been a practicing attorney for about seven years.  According to http://www.obamaconspiracy.org/2009/01/dr-orly-taitz/ she is calling for the the United States military to rise up against me and form a new government:

“Obama “truth” squad and people like Secretary of State of Ohio Jennifer Brunner and all the others that have been collaborating with this Gestapo-SS establishment, they all should and would be tried in Nurenberg style trials for harassing, intimidating, blackmailing and terrorizing fellow citizens, for defrauding the whole country. Patriots of this country didn’t fight and defeat Nazi Germany to end up with Obamas, McCuskill, Soros, Brunner and the rest of this squad. I hope that the men in this country, particularly in our military will finally revolt against this travesty of Justice. If our government and our elected officials and our judiciary have failed us, then it is time for the new government, new elected officials and a new judiciary.”

POE:  Mr. President, I admit she seems a bit – unusual – but I don’t see what you are getting at.

OBAMA:  My point is – is  this the best Keyes can do?  I am sure Ms. Taitz is a fine dentist and real estate agent, but she has only been practicing law a few years and, she looks and sounds like she is – let me put it this way: these people could point up and yell “the sky is blue!’ and no one would believe them.  So they want to call me a socialist or a communist or the anti-christ?  Be my guest.  The people trying to prove I wasn’t born here couldn’t have chosen a worse spokesperson to represent them.

POE:  Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

OBAMA:  Okay, I’m listening.

POE:  Maybe Keyes intentionally chose her because -

OBAMA:  [Encouraging] yes?

POE:  - because you and Keyes are really working together!

OBAMA: [Smiling and nodding] At this juncture I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.

Coconspirators? The rumors are flying.

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POE:  But it makes sense and explains so much!  Both you and Keys are black. Both of you are from Illinois. Both of you enjoy pasta puttanesca.

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OBAMA:  We also are both Freemasons.

POE:  Really?

OBAMA:  [Laughing]  No, not really.

POE:  Are there any rumors out there that bother you?

OBAMA:  Well, there is a persistent rumor that I eat puppies.

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POE:  They accuse me of eating puppies, too!

“It was this big. But it got away.”

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OBAMA:  In my case, though, the rumor is true. I do eat puppies.

So?

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POE:  So do I!

Lunch

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OBAMA:  No kidding. I appreciate that.  Okay, in your option, what is the best part?

POE:  The front paws, of course. Deep fried.

I know this little place in Manilla.

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OBAMA:  I prefer the tongue.

POE:  Not me. Too chewy.

OBAMA:  Not if you cook it right.

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POE:  Well, that’s about all the time we have. I would like to thank Barak Obama – puppy eating, socialist, foreign born muslim anti-christ – for speaking with us today.

OBAMA: Hey, Paul, how about lunch?

POE:  Sure, why not?

God help us.

RECENT FAN MAIL

One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“you think you’re so smart but I am smarter than you and I rarely leave my house I spend all day doing research on the Internet looking up stuff about people I don’t like and then I spread gossip about them on the internet  I hate you I hate Jews and the Pope and illegal aliens why won’t they speak english like normal people english is the national language and they should be forced to speak it or they should go back where they came from but as I was saying before you interrupted me  you are a criminal and I bet all of your clients are criminals and you help them do criminal stuff I hope you die soon.”

Before you rush to my defense, sit back and think about what Penelope said.  He may be an under-medicated, uneducated, cross-dressing racist kook, but he raises one valid point that is worth discussing.  Most of my clients are not criminals, but some are.

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

Why do I represent criminals? It isn’t the money.  Representing criminals doesn’t pay as well as you might think.  Believe me, criminals rarely ever pay their bills.  I don’t want to stereotype anyone, but I can tell you from experience that criminals are incredibly cheap.  They hate spending money. 

Hated paying his attorneys.

I imagine it is because crime doesn’t pay as well as it once did. 

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

Whatever the reason, more often than not, my criminal clients do everything they can to avoid paying me for my time. So it isn’t the money that prompts me to represent them.  I do it because I believe that there is only one thing more dangerous than organized crime – and that is disorganized crime.  There is nothing that poses a greater risk to the public than a disorganized criminal.

Let me give you some examples (all of these really happened):

First: the Case of the Disorganized Jewel Thieves. Neiman Marcus is a high-scale department store in Beverly Hills that offer valet parking to its customers.  Three masked gunmen robbed the Neiman Marcus jewelry department, but they forgot they parked their car with the valet, and so had to take off on foot through residential Beverly Hills to escape the police. 

They were easily apprehended, but I think we can all agree that disorganized armed criminals running down the street dragging bags of money, jewelry and expensive shoes for their wives presents an extreme hazard to the community that could have been avoided if the criminals in question were a bit more organized and planned the robbery out in advance.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Bank Robber.  Some poor fool tried to rob a bank using a paper bag over his head as a maks to hide his true identity.  But he forgot to cut holes in the bag so that he could see what he was doing and where he was going.  To compensate for his failure to properly plan the heist, the robber kept lifting the bag up so that he could see – which allowed the bank’s surveillance cameras to get a good look at his face.

Didn't think it through.

This idiot used a gun to rob that bank – which is dangerous enough without the person holding the gun blinding himself by putting a paper bag over his head.  An organized bank robber would have presented less of a threat to the innocent bystanders in the bank.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Drug Dealers.  A police car in a nearby town noticed a car weaving back and forth as is traveled down a city street.  When the car was pulled over, the police officer discovered that the car was weaving because the three men in the car were watching a video on a portable player while they were driving.  More importantly, the video was an instructional tape designed to teach the viewer how to grow and sell marijuana.  The police officer discovered one hundred pounds of marijuana in plastic bags piled on the car’s back seat.

Organized criminals would have watched the instructional video before getting in the car, which means the drug dealers would have been able to keep their eyes on the road.These are only a few examples proving the point that disorganized crime can be far more dangerous and presents much more of a threat to the health, safety and well-being of the public than organized crime. I do not condone criminal acts, but I am far more afraid of disorganized criminals than I am of the organized ones. An organized criminal would never think this would work.

I represent criminals because there always comes a time when I am sitting with them face to face and, after they tell all about what they did and they didn’t do, I get the chance to look them straight in the eye and ask “what are you, stupid?”   Maybe, just maybe, they will realize they are too disorganized to be a criminal and, knowing that, they will give up their criminal aspirations.

Feels better than it looks.

And maybe they will pay their defense attorneys.  That would be good, too.

I can dream, can't I?