Archive for the Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes Category

THE COMING AMERICAN RELIGIOUS WAR

Posted in American Decline, Antique surgical instruments, Common Enemy, Corruption, Crazy People, Crime and Punishment, Europe, GOP, health care, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, love, Mad Men, Michele Bachmann, Missile Defense, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, Newt Gingrich, Orcs, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, سياسة on March 3, 2012 by paulboylan

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I consider myself a Republican, conservative Christian man of faith. The problem is that I am Greek Orthodox, which the vast majority of the GOP base does not recognize as being Christian.

I cherish my freedoms, including the freedom to worship the Almighty the way I want. I will be damned if anyone is going to use the political process to impress their religious views upon me – and that is exactly what thehNew Republican Party is hell-bent on doing./

At it’s heart, this conflict is about the same things that caused and fueled the European religious wars of past centuries as well as every Jihadi’s fervor.  This conflict is about power and hate – in particular, the power to hurt those you hate.

The New Republican Party hates women.  Allow me to rephrase that – it hates independent, educated, thinking women who work outside of the home. Let’s call them modern women. And the reason why they hate these women is because their social, intellectual, economic and sexual independence violates a myopic interpretation of antiquated religious doctrine that has nothing to do with the central message that Jesus came to us to teach.

The New Republican Party is waging a war on modern women, and they have corrupted Jesus to do it.  They want to force women out of the job market, out of public life, out of graduate school and back into the four walls of the male dominated homes where ancient Semitic women were imprisoned and enslaved.

The revolutionary message central to Jesus’ teachings – and the reason the political system of his day murdered him – is charity, freedom and love.  This American crusade against women is about selfishness, control and hate.

And, to get the power to hurt the women they hate, these American Taliban have taken over and corrupted the GOP.  They support insurance coverage for Viagra to foster men having sex, but they are dead-set against insurance coverage for contraception or the use of tax dollars to pay for an abortion.

And who pays the ultimate price for this draconian scheme?  Women.  Like a male chimpanzee, a man has recreational sex and then walks away.  The women pays the price for that mutual decision by having no choice but to carry that embryo to term and then raise that child by herself.  She cannot work. She cannot go to school. She cannot participate in any meaningful way in the political process.  She is back where she belongs.

And what is the New Republican Party’s solution to this horrible conundrum?  Just ask Rick Santorum. He will tell you with absolute certainty that his solution is not just correct, but pleases God.  His solution is, essentially, to outlaw sex for any other purpose than procreation.  If Santorum, and the millions of right wing Americans who support him, get their way, the power of government can and should be used to make sure that every single time two people have sex they had better be prepared to have a child, and if they don’t want a baby, then they simply better not have any sex.

This is only one example of what the New Republican Party wants to do to America.  They want to use the power of government to force each and every one of us to live lives no different than the Puritan’s lived in Salem back in the 1600’s.  They pick and choose among the ideals of our Founding Fathers, agreeing with the freedom to bear arms but disagreeing with the separation of church and state.  They want our every day lives, what we do in the privacy of our own homes, to be regulated, to be dominated, by their perverted view of Christian values.

They are masters at self-deception and outright lying.  They try to minimize what they are doing by calling it “social issues.”  When the world found out that the Virginia legislature – dominated by right wing religious fanatics – was passing a bill that would force every woman who wants an abortion to first get a big stick shoved up their vaginas, the outcry was so powerful that those responsible for that repulsive law scurried around like the cockroaches that they are and revised the law.  And the governor of Virginia expressed his disappointment that Virginia’s consideration of a “social issue” would get such a negative reaction.

One person’s social issue is another person’s freedom.  By legislating social issues, the New Republican party is trying to take away everyone else’s freedoms.

Our founding fathers were personally aware of the wreckage the European religious wars caused.  For thirty years, what is now Germany was the battlefield for protestant armies fighting catholic armies. Thirty years.  Our founders decided to spare the people of the new nation they were creating that same pain.  To do it, they manufactured, for the first time in world history, a nation where people could worship God any way they wanted, so long as that worship didn’t mix with political power.

But that separation of church and state our founders created no longer exists.  Santorum – who could actually be elected our next president – actually states publically that there should be no separation of church and state.

The result is going to be the very war the Founding Fathers sought to avoid.  But what the hell. As Tom Petty sang, everybody’s had to fight to be free.

I am prepared to fight to keep these people out of my bedroom and out of my wife’s vagina.  What are you prepared to do?

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STATE MANDATED RAPE – An Interview With Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Crime and Punishment, Dogs, Fiction, GOP, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, Michele Bachmann, Mordor, Orcs, Politics, pork, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, سياسة on February 23, 2012 by paulboylan

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[In this frankly fictitious interview, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell talks candidly about the latest attempt by Republicans in the Virginia State legislature to pass a law requiring women who seek an abortion to submit to having a large, long wand shoved up their vaginas as punishment.]

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“The wand is at least this long,” said Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell

 

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Let’s cut to the chase, Governor.  What the hell is this law that everyone is talking about?

 MCDONNELL:  I presume you are referring to House Bill 462.

 POE:  That depends. What does House Bill 462 do?

 MCDONNELL:  It punishes women who want an abortion by mandating that they first get this big thing shoved up their hoo-has.

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 POE:  That’s the one.  How did this happen?

 MCDONNELL:  Through the democratic process that made our nation – and the great state of Virginia – great.  And here is the best part: we got a woman to introduce the bill! Haw haw haw haw!!!

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 MCDONNELL:  How great is that?

 POE:  Why is that great?

 MCDONNELL:  Because it is ironic, you moron.  Whatsamatter? Don’t you appreciate irony? I bet you went to a public school, huh? Are you Italian?  One of them Cath-o- licks?

 POE:  What does that matter?

MCDONNELL:  I take that as a big “yes.”

 POE:  What exactly does House Bill 462 say?

 MCDONNELL:  It requires doctors who perform abortions in the first trimester of pregnancy to perform an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus.

 POE:  That doesn’t sound so bad.

 MCDONNELL:  Yeah, well, that’s what we hoped everyone would think, but some nosey Jew liberal found out that the only way to determine the age of a fetus during the first trimester of pregnancy is by performing a transvaginal probe ultrasound.

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 POE:  And what is that exactly?

 MCDONNELL:  Well, to do it, a doctor or qualified nurse has to shove what looks like a long pole up inside a woman’s lady parts. The pole is called the “transducer.” He he he. Guys around here are now referring to their Johnson as their “transducer” like “hey, Ted, is that a transducer in your pocket or are you thinking about voting for House Bill 462?”

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 POE:  Is there a medical reason for requiring a transvaginal ultrasound?

 MCDONNELL:  Nope. No medical reason or medical benefit whatsoever. But is sure as hell is gonna make ’em think twice about getting an abortion, I know that for damned sure.

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POE:  Can the woman refuse?

 MCDONNELL:  Nope.  If she refuses we throw her in jail along with the doctor who did the operation without first shoving a transducer up her.

POE:  So if she wants an abortion she has to first spread her legs for the transducer.

MCDONNELL:  Hey, come on.  This isn’t virgin territory we are talking about.  She wouldn’t be there if she hadn’t had a “transducer” up in there in the first place.

POE:  But she has no choice about the procedure.

 MCDONNELL:  Exactly. Did I mention that the transducer has this bulb at the end? Eh? (Wiggles eyebrows suggestively.)

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Coincidentally similar to this.

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 POE:  Forgive me, but the whole thing sounds like state sponsored and mandated rape.

 MCDONNELL: Now wait a minute, as a Kath-o-lick you should be 100% in favor of a law that punishes women who want an abortion.  Isn’t that what Rick Santorum is all about?  Bringing back the moral foundation of the 12th Century when the Pope was in charge, no one was allowed to have any fun and witches were burnt?

 POE:  I’m not Catholic.  I am Greek Orthodox.

 MCDONNELL: What the hell is that?

 POE:  It is the oldest form of Christianity on earth.

 MCDONNELL:  I sort of doubt that.

 POE:  Why?

 MCDONNELL:  Because I never heard of it, and that means it probably doesn’t exist.  Look, I am unusually well-informed about the customs of mud people and I never heard of no Greek Orthodox Jews.

 POE:  We were talking about House Bill 462.

 MCDONNELL:  Oh yeah, the “Stick up the Hoo-ha” bill.

POE: Why isn’t that rape?

 MCDONNELL:  I am deeply offended by any attempt to compare a transvaginal ultrasound to a TSA airport patdown.

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 POE:  What?

 MCDONNELL:  I am on record as saying that the full body patdowns the TSA forces you to endure at the airport crosses the line in regards to concerns about privacy and civil liberties.

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 POE:  So you believe that forcibly patting you down at the airport, fully clothed, to make sure you aren’t carrying a weapon violates a person’s privacy and civil liberties?

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 MCDONNELL:  That’s right.

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 POE:  But forcibly inserting a 10 inch wand up a woman’s vagina doesn’t invade her privacy and civil liberties?

MCDONNELL:  Nope.

 POE:  I mean no disrespect, Governor, but it sounds like the Virginia legislature has its collective head up its collective ass.

 MCDONNELL:  So you’re against states’ rights, huh?

 POE:  States’ rights has nothing to do with it.

 MCDONNELL:   It sure as hell does.  This is another example of Obama trampling on states’ rights.

 POE:  No one in the Obama administration has said anything about this.

 MCDONNELL:  Yeah, but he’s thinking about it.  I can feel it.  He’s got these beady eyes that stare at you.  There’s all kinds of bad stuff he wants to do, a whole bunch of rights he wants to take away, but hasn’t talked about.  That’s why he can’t be reelected.  You know he hates white people, don’t you?

 POE:  Obama has nothing to do with this. States’ rights has nothing to do with this.  This is all about non-consensual, invasive sexual contact.

 MCDONNELL:  You hit the nail on the head, Paul.  And that’s how we’re gonna fix the problem.

 POE:  I don’t understand.

 MCDONNELL:  Well, the feminist lesbians, the Jews, the uppity negroes and illegal Mexicans and the liberal media are all upset about House Bill 462 because it forces women to go through a really horrible ordeal if they want an abortion.  So we’re changing the law so that it is consensual.

 POE:  You mean that women will be able to refuse to have the procedure performed?

 MCDONNELL:  Exactly.  The procedure will be performed only on women who want it.

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 POE: That means the law is dead. No woman will consent to a sexually invasive procedure that has no medical benefit.

 MCDONNELL:  Not necessarily.  There are a lot of freaky women out there. And, as you surely know, women aren’t all that bright.  I mean, look at the facts – we got a woman to introduce House Bill 462. Most women aren’t even going to know what a transvaginal ultrasound is.  So when someone asks them, “hey, darlin’ how would you like a free transvaginal ultrasound?”  I bet 99.9% of the time the woman will say yes, and embarrassment alone will prevent her from saying no once the procedure starts.  Heck, we’re thinking of legally changing the name of the procedure to “personality test” or “pedicure.”  Heck, they got their feet up anyway. Maybe they’ll think they’re gonna get their toe nails polished.

POE:  Why don’t you just buy them dinner afterwards?

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MCDONNELL:  Hey! That’s a great idea!

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POE:  No.   It isn’t.  It isn’t a good idea. Like House Bill 462, it is a very bad idea.

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“Hello, darlin’, would you like to take a free personality test or have a free pedicure?”

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MCDONNELL:  You worry too much. Look, if things for the good old boys get too hot, if the public outcry gets too loud, we can always withdraw the bill all together.

 POE: You think that will end this?

 MCDONNELL:  I’m sure of it. Because Americans have short attention spans, short memories and are, more or less, morons – especially in Virginia. God Bless illiteracy and generational poverty.  Look – I am clearly a fascist misogynistic ultra right wing sadist. Most of the men in the Virginia legislature are, too.  We don’t try to hide it.  It is a lifestyle choice. We like it when women feel pain.  They deserve it.  Heck, they want it.

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MCDONNELL: They need to be punished, first, for seducing Adam into eating the Apple of Knowledge and then later for learning to read and agitating for the right to vote and getting jobs outside of the home, which is against the Laws of God.  We’ll just tell the stupid woman who introduced House Bill 462 to withdraw it, she will do what she’s told, and, with enough time, all of this will blow over. And we can try it again when no one is looking.  We know what kind of Virginia we want. We know what kind of America we want. We want to be able to have all the sex we want without any risk of pregnancy because we can afford to buy birth control, but we want to make sure that poor people can’t because we like hurting them. Fun is for us. Suffering is for everyone else. We know how women should think and behave. And we are going to get it all because we are in charge.

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Update at 3:30 p.m. ET: Governor McDonnell said he would sign House Bill 462, The Washington Post reports.

 

Update at 4:19 p.m. ET: The Virginia House of Delegates has approved a substitute bill that would not fordce women to undergo the invasive transvaginal ultrasound before getting an abortion, the Richmond Times-Dispatch reports.  Women could choose to have the transvaginal procedure.  The vote in the Republican-controlled House was 65-32.

 

Update at 5:45 p.m. ET: Virginia State Senator Jill Holtzman Vogel – the Republican senator who sponsored House Bill 462 – now says she plans to withdraw the bill, according to news reports.

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POSTSCRIPT

This isn’t over.  House Bill 462 is a potent symbol of what has gone wrong with the Republican Party, and it will resonate for years to come.  And it’s true. The GOP is being “occupied” by political and religious fanatics who are so outside the American mainstream that it is hilarious, but isn’t funny.

They’ve alienated African Americans. They’ve alienated Hispanics. They’ve alienated homosexuals. And now they’ve alienated women as a class. Even those women, and men, who are pro life are horrified that House Bill 462 was even attempted.  These kooks have alienated the vast middle of America. And that means it is over for the GOP.

And the gaggle of clowns the GOP has thrust in our faces as an alternative to Obama have drifted away from the message of the economy and smaller government. Instead, they are fighting the culture wars again, focusing on social issues like birth control when jobs are all that should matter.  This is a strong sign that even they know they cannot win and are simply pandering to the republican “base” so they can have influence after they lose and make money like Sarah Palin did.

Obama is going to be reelected. Nothing can stop that now. The alternative is simply to horrible to contemplate.  And when that happens, the GOP will fragment into smaller parties that fight with each other for the power to go into people’s homes and tell them how to live their personal lives.

Our hope for smaller government is dead.  And rightly so.  We didn’t provide the American people with a coherent, acceptable alternative.

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SUCH A DEAL

Posted in End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Internet Fun!, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes on July 8, 2011 by paulboylan

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This is a real advertisement I found on the internet. I bet lots and lots of people jumped at the opportunity for such big savings.

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HEADLINE – Obama offends carnival barkers

Posted in American Decline, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Isnt nature wonderful?, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes on May 10, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE – President Obama lost the support of carnival workers and side-show freaks when he compared them to “birthers” – people demanding the President prove he was born in the United States.

“We’re not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers,” Obama said after producing a copy of his long-form birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii.

“It was like a slap in the face,” said Vinny Slimp, owner of the Slimp Family Circus.

Vinny Slimp

“The President’s comparison could ruin my business,” said Alberto Baracho, a carnival barker employed by the Ten in One Freak Emporium in Pensicola, Florida. “When people look at me now, they see Donald Trump or Orly Taitz, which could persuade them not to pay money to see the Bearded Lady or the Human Lobster.”

Donald Trump

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Orly Taitz

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The Bearded Lady

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The Human Lobster

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“I fully supported Obama in the last election, but that’s over now,” said Jo Jo the Dog Faced Boy.

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Jo Jo the Dog Faced Boy

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Source:  http://carnival-barkers-slam-obama html

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HEADLINE – Daily activities could trigger an aneurysms

Posted in French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Headline, Headlines, Humor, News, Photography, Rotwang, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 6, 2011 by paulboylan

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They are the things adults do on any given day: exercise, drink coffee, breathe, stand up, sit down, blink, urinate, scratch, eat.

They can also be the very things that cause a lurking brain aneurysm to rupture.

Researchers at the Institute for the Promotion of Irrational Fears and Anxieties in the Netherlands asked patients with brain aneurysms what they were doing shortly before those weakened and bulging blood vessels burst.

They found relatively mundane things like drinking soda, blowing one’s nose, exercising, drinking coffee, breathing, standing up, sitting down, blinking, urinating, scratching or eating often preceded the rupture.

“Anything can cause bad things,” explains Dr. Tad Greenblat.


Greenblat recommends minimizing your risk of suffering a brain aneurysm by doing nothing. ” Don’t exercise, don’t drink soda, don’t drink coffee, don’t breathe, don’t stand up, don’t sit down, don’t blink, don’t urinate, don’t scratch and most definitely don’t eat. Eating is very dangerous,” Greenblat said moving as little as possible.

“Avoiding an aneurysm may mean dying of starvation, but at least a blood vessel won’t explode in your head,” Greenblat concluded.


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Source:  http://www.kob.com/article/stories/html

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HEADLINE – Accidental Falls a Leading Cause of Head Injury

Posted in Family and Friends, Fire and Ice, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Getting it Right, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Life, News, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes on January 26, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE – About 2.8 million children and 2 million people aged 65 and older are treated each year at U.S. hospital emergency rooms for head injuries due to accidental falls, says the Open Head Wound Institute (OWHI) located in Muncie, Indiana.

“That accounts for 15% of all head wounds,” says Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Director of OWHI’s Open Head Wound Research and Development Department. “The other 85% of head wound incidents are attributed to angry wives,” Schnurstein continues.

Source:  http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/accidentalfalls-

HEADLINE – European anarchists grow more violent, coordinated

Posted in Berne Convention, dada, Droit Moral, Fair Use, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on December 30, 2010 by paulboylan

ROME – A loosely linked movement of European anarchists who want to bring down state and financial institutions is becoming more violent and coordinated, security experts say.

“Anarchists have suddenly realized that they can be more effective using organizational methods borrowed from business and government,” says Herb Slovo, Director of World Empire Security Consultants.

“Coordinating with other anarchists just makes subverting the world economic tyrany so much easier,” says Jimmy X, self-described anarchist and unemployed dog groomer.

Jimmy X

“Conventions, discussion groups, ad hoc committees. Even rules of procedure for meetings. Newsletters. Schedule books. All of it. It really helps us get things done without all that bickering and confusion,” X says.

“We are actualising öur potential with blue sky thinking, exploring a different set of paradigms,” says Swedish Anarchist “Therbs” (not his real name).

Therbs

“We have our eye on the prize and will leverage our corporate knowledge assets to achieve our goals within a defined set of core strategic streams,” Therbs continues.  “We’re cutting across the old silos which have held us back and moving forward we’re looking at a dynamic future with win-win scenarios coming into play.”


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101228/ap_on_re_eu/eu_italy_embassy_blasts;_ylt=AqM8tkLxzmdTlw1S3trFdtqs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFiMHNnZDNvBHBvcwM1MwRzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX3dvcmxkBHNsawNldXJvcGVhbmFuYXI-

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