Archive for The Sales Pitch

21 PHOTOS!

Posted in American Decline, Headline, Headlines, News, photograph, Photography, Pycho-Social Trauma, What are you sick or something? with tags , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2012 by paulboylan

 

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I found this on CBS’ internet news site.

I feel anything short of 22 photos of a girl found dead in her dorm room is a waste of my time.

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HEADLINE – ROMNEY PANDERS TO MAINLAND CHINESE FOR CAMPAIGN CASH

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Captain America, Cowboys and Aliens, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, космическая девушка, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, good guys and bad guys, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Occupy Mordor, photograph, Photography, Politics, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, مصارعه, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים, פיצה, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags , , , , , , , on September 27, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE – After declaring China the “main enemy” of the United States and promising to start a trade war if elected, Mitt Romney announced plans to ask  Chinese nationals to contribute money to his campaign.

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“I don’t see anything inconsistent or hypocritical about this at all,” Romney said as he attempted to open a window in his private jet flying to Hong Kong to attend a fund raising dinner. “Darned thing is broken,” Romney complained when he failed to find a handle to “roll down” the jet window.

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“When Mitt was in charge of Bain Capital, he oversaw the export of thousands and thousands of American jobs to China,” said Romney Spokesman Trip Whiteman. “The least they can do is toss some cash at him in repayment,” Whiteman added.

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“I love the Chinese,” Romney said. “They are all the right height.  And their workers are grateful for their jobs, they don’t have health insurance, it is very, very difficult to escape poverty, and they like me – which is what I want for America,” Romney concluded.

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He has a vision.

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HEADLINE – DONALD TRUMP SAYS “VENGEANCE IS A CHRISTIAN VALUE”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Attorney fees, buffo, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, Mad Men, Money and Power, Mordor, News, neşeli, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Matrix, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2012 by paulboylan

 

“Jesus wants me to take vengeance against my hair stylist.”

MUNCIE –   During a speech on Monday at the Lynchburg, Virginia Christian college, Liberty University, Donald Trump gave the assembled Christian students some advice: “Get even.”

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“A few of you may say my advice is anti-Christian. Wrong!” Trump said.

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A student pointed out that Trumps advice conflicts with Christ’s Sermon on the Mount recorded in chapters 5-7 of the Gospel of Matthew, where Jesus tells his followers to reject the Old Testament rules on eye-for-an-eye justice and, if slapped, turn the other cheek rather than retaliate.

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 “Don’t believe any of that malarky,” Trump responded.  “Jesus was being misquoted by the liberal media.”

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The liberal media makes Jesus very, very angry.

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“Believe me, the central message of Christianity is “every man for himself” and “always kick a man when he’s down because there is no better time to do it,” Trump said.

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Trump, married three times, then advised the assembled students to get prenuptial agreements before they get married.

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“Jesus wasn’t married and I know why,” Trump said.  “It is because they didn’t have prenuptial agreements in those days so if you got married you were screwed if you wanted to get out of it, especially if you had a lot of money and the woman seduced you because she wanted your money.  But Jesus avoided all of that by not getting married. I’m not saying he didn’t play the field. He just didn’t get married.  I am absolutely sure that, if Jesus had access to a prenuptial agreement, he would have been married. At least once.”

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Maybe more than once.

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The university has posted a video of Trump’s speech on its website, noting that Chancellor Falwell introduced Trump as ”one of the greatest visionaries of our time.”

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A GRIM FAIRY TALE – THE SAD GARAGE SALE

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Grim Fairy Tales, Rage Against the Machine, rimshot wav download, Small Town America, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , on September 16, 2012 by paulboylan

“Hello, children. I’m Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?”

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THE SAD GARAGE SALE

          Once upon a time in a tiny town named Elko, Nevada, a man named Ted was checking out of the Holiday Inn Express.

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          Ted was driving from Salt Lake City, Utah to Los Angeles, California because he had a passion for alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, all of which were difficult to procure in Salt Lake City without risking social isolation and spiritual damnation, or at least the popular perception of it.

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          The drive from Salt Lake City to Los Angeles is a long one, and Ted spent the night in Elko, more or less located half way between the two.

          “Where are you off to?” asked the checkout clerk at the front desk as Ted turned in his key.

          “Los Angeles,” Ted said.

          “Take me,” the checkout clerk said.

          Ted smiled and chuckled as he hoped was expected.

          “No, seriously,” the checkout clerk said. “Take me. I hate this place and I will do anything to get out. I will pay for gas and sexually satisfy you. What do you say?” clerk asked while making a rude and suggestive gesture with a partially closed fist.

          “I – don’t think so,” Ted mumbled.

          The check out clerk laughed. “Okay, I understand and I don’t blame you,” he said.  “If I was younger, well, maybe I would have had a shot, but I haven’t had any action since my 80th birthday. And you know, Elko isn’t such a bad place. At least it isn’t Battle Mountain.”

          “Battle Mountain?” Ted asked.

          “Yeah. The next town on the I-80 on the way to Reno.  Back in 1983 Battle Mountain  was voted the Armpit of the Universe.”

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          “Okay….” Ted said, walking towards the exit to the parking lot.

          “You can’t miss it,” the clerk called after Ted. “They put a big ‘BM’ on the hillside in  fifty foot letters in an attempt to publicize the town and create a new image.  They even voted for a new town slogan: ‘Home of the biggest BM in the universe.’”

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          Sure enough, Ted saw the letters “BM” on a hillside as he approached Battle Mountain, and he was overcome by the desire to leave the I-80 and take the business route through Battle Mountain.  Ted hoped to see the town slogan (“Home of the biggest BM in the universe”) on a building and further hoped to take a picture that he could then post on his blog.

          Ted did not find the town slogan, and he was beginning to wonder if the clerk was pulling his leg, when he saw a sign advertising “GARAGE SALE!”

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          And, as he was about to leave the Battle Mountain town limits, he saw another sign indicating the garage sale was happening in the driveway of the house he was passing.

          Ted stopped and walked up to a little boy sitting on a chair behind an empty table – empty except for one old tennis shoe.

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          “Where is the garage sale?” Ted asked the little boy.

          “You’re looking at it,” the boy said.

          “Here?”

          “Here.”

           “And you’re selling this shoe?”

          “Yup.”

          “Was there other stuff for sale earlier?”

          “Nope. Just this shoe.”

          “Why just one shoe?”

          “It’s all I got to sell.”

          “What happened to the other shoe?”

          “Dog took it.”

          “Oh.”

          “Look, are you going to buy anything or not?”

          “You mean the shoe?”

          “Yes, the shoe. Do you see anything else on the table?”

          “Why would I want to buy just one shoe?”

          “How the fuck should I know?  I don’t know your life.  Do I look like some kind of psychic?  Do I look like I even care why you want to buy this shoe?”

          “I didn’t say I wanted to buy that shoe –“

          “Yes you did. I heard you say it.”

          “No, I didn’t.”

          “Yes you did.”

          “No. I did not.”

         “Yes. You did.”

          “Okay, look, how much for the shoe?”

          “One thousand dollars.”

          “That’s ridiculous!”

          “Yeah, well, that’s the price.  You buying or not?”

          “I am not.”

          “Then this garage sale is over,” the boy said, taking the shoe off of the table and holding it close. “You just fucked yourself out of owning this shoe. It’s a magic shoe.”

          “Magic?”

           “Yeah, magic.  If you buy it, it will grant you three wishes.”

           “I don’t believe you.”

          “Why not? This is a magic shoe.”

          “If it is magic, why haven’t you used it?”

          “What do you mean?”

          “Well, if it is magic, you would have used it to get out of this town.  Its the most depressing place I’ve ever seen.  Even a kid like you has to know there is something better somewhere. If that shoe was magic, you would have used it to get out of here.”

          “Maybe I used it to wish for something else.”

          “Like what?”

          “None of your business.  I’m telling you this is a magic shoe.  Are you going to buy it?”

          “Does it still cost $1,000?”

          “No.”

          “No?”

          “The price has gone up to two thousand dollars. Cash.”

          “Forget it.”

          “Okay, then get the hell out of my face.”

          “No problem,” Ted said, turning to walk back to his car.

          “Mister?” the boy asked.

          “What?”

          “If you change your mind, I’ll be here next week.”

          “Selling that shoe?”

          “Uh huh.”

          “Will you be selling anything else?”

          “No.”

          “Do you do this every week?”

          “Uh huh.”

          “Have you ever sold anything?”

          “If I did, would I still be here, in the biggest BM in the universe??” the little boy shouted.

          Ted didn’t answer. He just got back in his car, drove out of town and back onto the I-80.  He stopped for lunch in Reno, Nevada, where he lost all his money playing roulette, betting on 22 black.  Ted never made it to LA.

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MORAL OF THE STORY: Gambling is bad.
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THE DAMNED

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Crazy People, Crime and Punishment, Early-onset dementia, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, good guys and bad guys, GOP, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Mordor, pandemic, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , , , on August 16, 2012 by paulboylan

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The Blue Church of God is much more forgiving.

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Vegetarians?

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HEADLINE – Questioning Romney Tax History Irresponsible, says Fox News

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, GOP, Headline, Headlines, lächerlich, Money and Power, News, photograph, Photography, Politics, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, zombies, سياسة with tags , , , , , on August 3, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE Indiana – Fox News pundit Sean Hannity is questioning those who question Mitt Romney on his history of paying no taxes.

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Sean Hannity

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“Those questions are irresponsible,” Hannity said on Thursday.

“People who want to know if I ever paid any taxes are probably poor.”

Senate minority leader Harry Reid recently charged that sources inside Bain Capital, the private equity firm Romney ran, confirm that for as much as ten years Mitt Romney paid the equivalent of no taxes.

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“It feels GREAT to be filthy rich and not pay any taxes!”

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“That’s zero taxes,” Said Reid. “Zero taxes paid by a rich guy who says that if he is elected president he will cut taxes for the rich even farther than they are right now.”

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“If I am elected president, not only will rich people pay no taxes, everyone else will have to give them money! Big smelly piles of it! And I will also bomb Iran.”

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Romney’s return from his ill-fated European campaign trip was dogged by reporters yelling questions at him about Reid’s charges.

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“IT great to be in England. Did I mention that I think your Olympic games suck? Hey, what smells funny?”

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“Hey, Romney!”  a reporter yelled. “How many years did you pay zero tax?”

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“You want me to remember? Only poor people need a memory. People like me hire accountants to remember that stuff for us.”

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“That reporter ‘s question was totally irresponsible!” Hannity yelled at a group of immigrants.  “And any questions about his time as governor of Massachusetts are irresponsible.”

“Hey, did I tell you about that great health care system I started when I was governor? It is exactly Like President Obama’s health care system and it worked great. But I am totally against President Obama’s health care system, and if I am elected president I will get rid of it on day one of my presidency. I know that sounds contradictory, but so what? Enough voters won’t notice or won’t care to get me elected!”

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“And so are questions about Bain Capital firing workers and giving their jobs to people in other countries.  And it is totally irresponsible to ask questions about the gay kids Romney bullied when he was in high school. “

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“Hold him down, boys!”

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“Or his views on Jews being hard workers and Palestinians being lazy. Questions about that stuff are irresponsible, too.”

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“Hey, its great to be here in Jerusalem talking to a bunch of hard working, thrifty Jews. I love Jews. They are all the right height. I have a joke: how many culturally inferior Palestinians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100! See, they are so lazy that it takes a bunch of them to do something even one thrifty, hardworking Jew could do. Did I say how great it is to be here talking to a bunch of Jews? Did I mention that if I am elected president I start a war with Iran?”

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When asked what questions would be responsible, Mr. Hannity said “Any question about whether Barak Obama is a half breed muslim.”

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“Or trees. Trees in Michigan. How the trees in Michigan are the right height,” Hannity concluded.

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On the other hand, Mitt hates the trees in Minnesota. They are NOT the right height.

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HEADLINE – Japan’s reactor operator apologizes for radiation release

Posted in Headline, Headlines, Humor, News, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on April 12, 2011 by paulboylan

TOKYO – A Japanese power company executive apologized on Saturday for spreading radiation into the air and sea due to preventable mechanical malfunctions caused by negligent operational protocols and substandard maintenance of nuclear reactors damaged by recent earthquakes and a tsunami.

“I totally apologize for spreading radiation into the air and sea due to preventable mechanical malfunctions caused by negligent operational protocols and substandard maintenance of nuclear reactors damaged by recent earthquakes and a tsunami,” Sakae Muto, a TEPCO vice president, told a news conference.

“I totally goofed. It was totally my fault, and for that I am totally sorry. My bad,” Muto added, pointing out that he should get some credit for “totally owning” the problem and not trying to point the finger of blame at Japanese nuclear safety regulators who either repealed or failed to enforce safety regulations.

“This guy is totally ruining it for all of us,” said Gene McTutle, a high level executive with Goldman Sachs. “Never apologize for anything. Never admit you made a mistake. Never ever.  Insist that you are too big to fail and then convince the government to fix your private mistakes by bailing you out by giving you lots and lots of public money that you can give to yourself as bonuses and that you will never pay back. That’s how this works,” McTutle concluded.


McTutle

Source: http://www.vancouversun.com/Japan+reactor+operator+apologizes+radiation+release/4588943/story.html#ixzz1J4d8Cnfz

HEADLINE – Japan vows to review nuclear safety standards

Posted in Brave New World, dada, Food, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Life, Mad Men, News, Op Ed, Parody, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Rotwang, satire, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , on March 29, 2011 by paulboylan

In response to charges of criminal regulatory negligence that resulted in the clearly apparent failure to build and maintain safe nuclear reactors, the Japanese government vowed to review Japan’s nuclear safety standards.

“We will review them, if we can find them,” promised Ken Fujikuma, Head of the Japanese Nuclear Industry Regulatory Commission and Late Night Drinking Games.

Fujikuma also pledged to “look into” the wisdom of running while holding scissors and playing Russian Roulette with fully loaded hand guns.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110329/ap_on_bi_ge/as_japan_earthquake;_ylt=AqGOpu9PvKLz0Dh77MPCoIys0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFoOGJ1Ymw0BHBvcwMyNwRzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX3RvcF9zdG9yaWVzBHNsawNqYXBhbnZvd3N0b3I-

HOT FOR WORDS 1.0

Posted in Brave New World with tags on January 21, 2009 by paulboylan

 

This is the debut of a new continuing feature here in this blog.

 

In my most recent foray into the YouTube universe, I discovered something truly amazing.  I don’t know her name. I don’t know how long she has been doing this. I don’t know if she is still doing it.  But I like it.  This is one of the most complexly bizarre internet phenomenon I have experienced thus far.  Truly the product of a twisted mind coupled with an advanced sense of humor.

 

I am going to show a lot of these.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SARAH PALIN’S 2012 STRATEGY: (Part One)

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Get a job, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, It's not what you think, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Op Ed, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, South Korea, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, West Korea, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 18, 2009 by paulboylan


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I am now convinced that Sarah Palin will be the next President of the United States.

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milk-out-of-nose

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No, really.  I’m not kidding. This isn’t a joke. Let me tell you why.

In a recent interview posted on Youtube, Palin “set the record straight” about her humiliating performance in the last election.  Most of Palin’s explanation centered on  her refusal to answer Katie Couric’s question “what newspapers do you read?” Most political analysts interpreted Palin’s refusal as an attempt to hide that she doesn’t read and isn’t very well informed.  But that’s not what happened at all.

“We got it completely wrong,” admits US Political Thought Editor-in-Chief Zev Wlcshznksnk. “Palin didn’t answer because, if she revealed that she reads to stay informed, then she would have risked alienating her political base.

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Zev Wlcshznksnk

Zev Wlcshznksnk

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“During the Reagan Revolution, the Republican Party – a party of wealthy business interests – succeeded in convincing voters comprised of economically disadvantaged high school and college dropouts who lacked critical thinking skills to support Republican candidates,” Wlcshznksnk continues.

Other pundits agree. “The rise of the stupid voter demographic coincides directly with the decline in reading skills,” explains Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Research Director at the National Institute for Moronic Studies. “Those who lose the ability to think critically because they cannot or do not read enough become suspicious and resentful of anyone “smart” or who can “speak well” – a common reason many Republican voters said they distrusted Barak Obama.

Dr. Krista Schnurstein

Dr. Krista Schnurstein

When seen in this light, Palin’s failure to answer Couric’s question becomes shrewd, if not brilliant.  Her recent explanation of her failure to answer only reinforces the growing appreciation for Palin’s political skill – and her potential to be our next President.

542389855_811a187e7b

Palin said “to me (Couric’s) question was more along the lines of, do you read, what do you guys do up there, what is it that you read, and perhaps I was too fliffant [sic] in my answer back to her.”

If Palin’s explanation sounds like a poor excuse that makes no sense, then you are probably educated and read recreationally.  But to a stupid person, Palin’s seemingly bizarre attempt to rewrite the question makes perfect sense. Stupid people are often asked questions they don’t understand or can’t answer.  In response, they manipulate reality to hide their ignorance and/or incompetence.

“Stupid people believe their lame excuses because it is the only way to maintain their illusion of self-respect,” says Armando Schwartz, inventor of the Vegomatic.  “By creating the kind of excuse that a stupid person would use, Palin is, essentially, encouraging stupid people to identify with her because if they call her out on her lies it would be the same as challenging their own dumb excuses for their own failures,” Schwartz concludes.

8527stupid-people-posters

This explains why Palin is still out there saying stupid things.  When she does, she is manipulating the media into pointing out and criticizing every dumb thing she says and does.  And when the media does this, it forces stupid voters to take sides with Palin against those criticizing her.

stupid_voter1

“In order to appeal to stupid voters, it is essential to demonstrate inconsistency,” says Professor Alan Shainwooks of the National Institute for Stupid Studies. “Stupid people live in a state of virtually constant confusion as they try to figure out what is going on,” Shainwooks says. “And being stupid often goes hand in hand with having a poor memory. Combine confusion and poor memory with a stupid person’s almost pathological need to make up excuses for their failings and mistakes, and you get a person who can’t keep their story straight if their life depended on it.”

Palin amply uses this strategy. In response to her interviews with Couric, Palin first said she approved of the interview in advance.  Then she said the McCain campaign forced her to do the interview. Then she denied saying that, claiming that the interview was her idea. And now Palin has returned to blaming the McCain campaign for forcing her to do it.

“A smart person would be concerned about Palin’s seeming inability to tell the truth,” says Mary Hemplin, an international authority on political trends and the author of The Rise of Stupididy in American Politics. “But a stupid person wouldn’t realize that Palin is constantly changing her story and contradicting herself because a stupid person will only remember the last thing Palin says, and how shiny the buttons on her sweater are.”

Probably can't read.

A stupid voter?

Palin’s contradictory statements also serve to distance her from the real reason John McCain lost the election. “McCain’s people knew they couldn’t win the election unless he could rally the stupid vote,” Shainwooks observes. “But McCain’s ultimate strategic blunder was not leaving the stage to Palin. McCain stayed in the spotlight. His rationality and intellect alienated enough stupid voters to keep them from voting, and that is why Obama won.”

Cardinal Stanley Moran

Cardinal Stanley Moran

Palin demonstrates that she realizes this simple truth. By repeatedly blaming the McCain campaign for her failures she is attempting to appeal to those stupid voters who didn’t vote in the last election. And with critical reading skills continuing to decline and fewer students being able to afford a college education, Palin is betting that, if she can realize the full political potential of the growing stupid vote, it could put her in the White House.

Clyde Scoggins, a Palin supporter, is grateful for Palin’s efforts to avoid alienating her political base. “I got alienated once,” Scoggins says, “and those little guys did medical experiments on me and I wound up naked in a corn field. I sure don’t want that to happen again.”

Clyde Scoggins (right) and his cousin, Hank (left)

Clyde Scoggins (right) and his cousin, Hank (left)

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Get ready for a Palin administration, by golly.

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